by C. J. Anaya
My mother glared at him. I had to admire her bravery. I was so frightened of him when his anger reached this level, but she sat there sick and weak, fighting him with what little energy she had left.
“Perhaps once I have healed her, you might consider allowing her ascension to take place in order to avoid any more of these illnesses?” My suggestion was soft and tentative, but one hopeful look from my mother made me realize how long she had been waiting for such an event to take place.
I was suddenly enraged that my father had never made good on his promise. This whole situation never would have occurred in the first place if he had been willing to help her ascend as a full kami immediately after giving birth to me, instead of using that promise as leverage to keep her in line.
“Fine,” he said in a gruff voice.
My eyebrows rose at that, surprised that he wouldn’t even argue the point or berate me for speaking without permission. The severity of my mother’s condition must have escalated to a dangerous level indeed.
“Mother, if you would permit,” I said, tentatively reaching out toward her head. She slapped my hands away.
“Don’t you dare touch me,” she hissed.
“You will allow this, Chinatsu, or so help me I will beat you unconscious with my bare hands,” he threatened.
The anger my mother felt was beginning to overwhelm me. I needed some distance from her to avoid absorbing any more of her emotions, but I didn’t dare move from my spot, knowing full well my father’s anger would be waiting for me.
When she stayed silent, I raised my hands again and placed them on either side of her head. I couldn’t connect to her at first. She desperately fought me, despite my father’s threats—threats I knew he would make good on. I continued to push through whatever block she had placed in front of me, and eventually I connected with her ki, but by the time I did so, I was fairly worn out. I had never endured such a difficult connection with anyone else. Moving aside my mother’s icy will was as insurmountable as moving a boulder with my mind.
There was something about my connection with her that felt wrong. I realized I’d only managed to penetrate part of her ki; her own mind had closed up completely. I let it go for now but knew once I ascertained what was happening within her body, I would need to push through whatever mental walls she had put up against me.
I could feel most of her pain, but her anger was terribly distracting. I knew how little she cared for me, but I didn’t want to feel it, not like this. Not ever. Forcing myself to focus, I searched for the source of her illness. Her lungs were filled with some kind of infection, but I had never healed anyone with an infection like this and couldn’t identify it. All I really knew was the pain I felt in her chest, and her temperature was dangerously high. The infection was the cause and needed to be dealt with, but without full access to her ki, her indomitable spirit wouldn’t allow it.
I suddenly heard a loud hacking sound and realized my mother was having another coughing fit, forcing her to let down her guard. I seized my moment and connected to her fully. I wasn’t prepared for the next wall I encountered once I started giving instructions. My mind beat soundly against a door of impenetrable, cold glass.
The veil! I found myself struggling against the veil. I was so shocked by this that I lost my connection and opened my eyes.
“Well? How soon can we expect a full recovery?” my father asked.
I stared at my mother. Her eyes were shooting daggers at me, and I could only stare. She was going to die. My mother couldn’t recover from this.
“Mikomi, you will answer me or—”
“She won’t recover,” I said softly.
“What was that?”
“I can’t heal her. The veil won’t permit it. She’s meant to die.”
The silence that came after felt heavy, dark, and threatening. I’d never witnessed my mother show any fear, and even now, this news did nothing to change her demeanor or her attitude toward me, but I could sense real fear emanating from my father. Without my mother to keep his subjects at bay, there was nothing to prevent them from joining the rebels.
“I gave you an order, child, and you will obey me.”
“I wish I could, but I can’t. The veil is present when I connect with her ki. She is not meant to survive this disease.”
I felt a kind of numbness engulf me as I said it. I loved my mother, or at least the idea of her. She’d given birth to me, but that was all I could give her credit for. In the end, we were perfect strangers, and I think I hated her for that. I didn’t want her to die, but even if I could have saved her, she would have resented me for it.
My father didn’t hesitate to handle the situation the way he handled everything else. I felt his hand clamp down upon the back of my neck while his fingers dug into my skin. My back and neck stiffened automatically, but I knew better than to try and fight him off.
“The veil is not my problem, it is yours, and if you don’t find a way to get around it, I will have your tutor, Kenji, executed right before your eyes.”
He shoved my head forward and stepped back. My father always followed through with his threats. If I didn’t find a way to save my mother, then Kenji would be dead within minutes.
I quickly grabbed my mother’s head despite her weak protests and forced a connection. My panic must have been all consuming because my mother’s resistance was batted away within seconds. I hit the veil again and mentally searched for a way around it. I could find no weaknesses, no holes or thin spots that might break under the mental tension I threw at it. My efforts became less controlled and more frantic when I thought about what the result would be if I failed.
I shoved my mother’s ki to the foreground and communicated with the veil directly. My father got whatever he wanted through brute force and intimidation. I didn’t like his methods, but I was willing to give anything a try. Instead of finding a way around the veil, I was going to have to push through it. I started by pressing my mind against the glass wall, and then I continued to add more pressure. I wasn’t going to stop pushing or shoving until I broke through, no matter the outcome.
I wasn’t sure how long I was at it before I felt a small give in the glass wall, but I took advantage, even though sweat trickled down my face and my body shook uncontrollably. The wall became more pliable as if it were melting under the force of my determination. I gave one more desperate push and exploded through. I felt my body jolt at the pressure being released, but I didn’t have time to analyze it. Instead, I immediately began instructing the tiny intelligences that made up her lungs to fight the infection and eliminate it completely.
I watched as the infection in her lungs began to die off and disappear, slowly at first and then more rapidly as more of the intelligences within her lungs responded to my instructions. The scarring on her lungs began to heal, and any residual blood was absorbed and restored to its rightful place within the body.
My mother’s body temperature dropped to its normal level, and her chest pain vanished. I wanted to disconnect and pull away from her, but I no longer had control over my own body due to how badly it was shaking.
I thought I heard yelling and a loud scream, but anything happening outside was muffled and too distant for me to follow. Suddenly, my connection with my mother was severed, and someone roughly jerked me backward.
I opened my eyes and saw Katsu’s stormy face staring back at me. I wondered why he had returned when he wasn’t due back for a few more days.
“You cannot stop this, Katsu. I forbid it,” my father yelled.
Katsu stood to his full height, towering over my father in the process.
“You have to be the most ignorant kami our First Parents ever created. Have you learned nothing about the veil and the consequences for breaching it? Do you truly value power over your own daughter’s life? Do you have any idea what you could have done?” Katsu was yelling. I had never before seen him so angry. “You cannot ask this of Mikomi. If someone is meant to die then that is fin
al. Forcing a healing like that is dangerous and could have caused serious damage. Her body was already rejecting the process when I arrived.”
I felt something wet dripping on my hand. I glanced down. Red drops of blood smacked my skin and spread on contact. I lifted a hand to my nose and felt warm liquid dripping down my fingers. Then the warm liquid began to drip from my eyes and my world turned red. I could hardly find my voice to bring it to the attention of those present, but I didn’t feel the need to panic either.
“Katsu,” I whispered, but he didn’t hear me.
“If she had managed to break through the veil, if she had even managed to get close to weakening it, the damage to her brain would have been immeasurable.”
Interesting. Maybe that was why droplets of blood from my nose and eyes had turned into a slow, steady stream.
“Fortunately for all of us, it is virtually impossible to break through the veil.”
I had to laugh at that, although I wasn’t sure why I found it so funny.
“I’m afraid that’s not entirely true,” I stated in a loud voice. “Not only was I able to break through the veil, but mother’s illness has healed completely.”
I heard Katsu gasp and my mother scream.
Chaos ensued, with my father barking orders about finding a physician. I thought that amusing since the only competent physician in the palace was me. My mother’s screams were frantic, begging for my father to heal me, something I found to be equally humorous. I couldn’t think of a being less qualified to mend or heal anyone.
It was impossible to see what was happening due to the blood seeping out of my eyes, but my hearing wasn’t affected at all, which made all of the yelling and screaming amplify the pounding pain within my skull.
I felt feminine arms wrap around me, and my mother whispered something unintelligible as she rocked me in her arms. All this time I wanted her to show me some kind of affection, and it took my imminent death to achieve that kind of milestone.
“Quiet,” Katsu roared.
I felt him place hands on either side of my head and then sensed his presence within my mind, but the pain didn’t allow me to focus for much longer, and a strange, insistent blackness began pulling me away from him.
I fought it at first. The darkness scared me, and I wanted to take advantage of the nurturing contact I was receiving from my mother. I wasn’t able to put up much of a fight, and once the darkness touched me, I felt peaceful and weightless. The pain existed, but felt deadened somehow, and I found myself wanting to accept the darkness.
Eventually, I gave in and let go, sleeping under a curtain of endless night.
* * *
“When will she wake up?” I heard Saigo ask.
“I’m really not sure,” Katsu responded in frustration. “The damage she sustained when she broke through the veil was extensive. I can’t believe she managed to accomplish something so mentally demanding without dying immediately afterward. Even now, I’m not sure that I healed all of the damage her mind sustained.”
If he was trying to comfort my brother, he was making a huge mess of things.
“I tried reasoning with the emperor, Katsu. I even tried to prevent her from connecting with me, but he threatened Kenji’s life, knowing her attachment to him to be a weakness for her. Foolish girl.”
I wanted to return to my own personal oblivion after hearing my mother’s criticism. I’d saved her life, but she didn’t care. I realized nothing I did, short of becoming The Healer, would ever be enough for her.
“It isn’t your fault, Highness. It isn’t Mikomi’s fault, either. She had no idea what the repercussions would be if she actually succeeded. She only knew what they would be if she failed, and as I understand it, Kenji is considered a valued member of the family.”
“That he is,” Saigo said. “If I had been in her position, I would have behaved in the exact same way, foolish or not.”
I knew I could always count on my brother to defend me.
“Where is the emperor now?” my mother asked.
“I believe he is in a meeting with some of his generals. He actually had the nerve to demand that Mikomi be brought to his quarters once she had awakened. If he thinks I’ll allow him near my betrothed again, he’s insane. ”
A soft giggle escaped my mouth as I managed to open my eyes a crack. “Don’t let my father hear you accusing him of insanity. He’ll throw you into the nearest dungeon.” My giggling returned, and I found that I couldn’t stop. It must have been contagious because Saigo joined in and attacked me on the bed where I lay immobile.
“I knew you would be all right, sister. You have too much spunk to let little things like fatal injuries prevent you from bouncing back.” He kissed the top of my forehead, and I smiled. I could only make out his outline. Everything else was a bit fuzzy.
“Thank the gods.” I heard Katsu say under his breath. I heard him slide whatever he was sitting on closer to the side of my bed. He gripped one of my hands in his. “I don’t know what I would have done if the damage to your mind had been irreversible.”
I managed to turn my head in his direction and forced my eyes open a little wider, but everything still remained fuzzy.
“Is my mother well?” I asked.
“Of course I am, you silly girl.” I sensed her approach my bed, but she stopped just before she reached it. I released Katsu’s hand and lifted it toward her. I guessed I was hoping that somehow her feelings toward me had changed. She hesitated for a second, then patted my shoulder stiffly and turned away.
“She’ll make a full recovery, and that’s all that matters,” she flung over her shoulder as she left my room.
Not many things were capable of crushing me so completely, but at that moment, as my mother walked away from me, I felt a piece of my heart shrivel and break.
“Yes, I suppose The Healer is all that matters,” I mumbled.
“Don’t let it hurt you, Mikomi,” Saigo said, attempting to console me. “You know Mother has never been one to show affection.”
I stayed mute, deciding now was neither the time nor the place to share with him our mother’s previous remarks about her feelings toward me. I certainly wasn’t going to discuss it in front of Katsu.
“How do you feel?” the warrior god asked. He reached for the hand my mother had refused and tightly grasped it. I squeezed his hand and felt grateful that he was at least showing some concern, even if it was only meant for The Healer.
“I’m feeling much better, thank you.” I turned my head to try and look at him and managed to pry open my eyes a little more. His face was coming into focus, but the edges were deformed and fuzzy. I heard his sharp intake of breath as he looked at me.
“Mikomi, the whites of your eyes are completely red. Do you feel any pain?” He was trying to remain calm, but I could tell he was worried.
“Her eyes are red?” Saigo turned my face to look at me and grimaced. “Does it hurt?”
“Not really.” I wondered why everything else within me had healed. “I’m having trouble seeing as sharply as I once did, but I’m sure my body will correct itself, now that I am feeling better.”
“Yes, let’s hope that is true.”
“How long have I been unconscious?”
“Three days,” Katsu said.
I went from a prone position to sitting straight up. “Three days? I have never been sick that long. Why would my body have taken so much time to heal?”
Katsu placed his hands on my shoulders and guided me back down. “I am happy to answer your questions, but I want you resting while I do so. You had a very close call, and I’m not entirely certain that you are completely recovered, especially with how your eyes look. There seems to be some residual damage.”
“What happened to me exactly?”
“You injured yourself by attacking the veil. There are laws in death just as there are in life, and when the natural order of the Universe is tampered with, fatal consequences are usually the result. If I hadn’t come
when I did…if I hadn’t been able to stop the bleeding within your brain…” Katsu took a deep, calming breath and grasped my hand again, bringing it to his lips and placing a soft kiss there. “I’m just not sure what I would have done.”
I was astounded. I knew it was possible for kami to use a small amount of power to heal someone, but I had never thought that Katsu would do something like that for me.
“You healed me? You sacrificed some of your power for me?”
“Of course I did, Mikomi. You’re The Healer. Did you really think I would just stand back and watch you die?”
At first I had been overwhelmed with emotion to think that Katsu would risk his immortality to heal me. That he might care that much for me, but my heart sank at his explanation. Of course, he would do everything he could to save The Healer. It was his duty and his destiny to share a life with me, whether he wanted to or not, and Katsu, above all else, was a kami sworn to fulfill his destiny. I had to wonder if my title as The Healer made it impossible for anyone to really love me.
I knew my brother loved me and Kenji loved me, but that was familial affection, not the kind of love between couples that, if strong enough, could join them in a way no other love was capable of. Would I ever experience that for myself, or would a union with Katsu always be about duty, honor and fulfilling one’s destiny?
I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to do it in front of my betrothed. I didn’t want him to think me ungrateful regardless of his motives for saving me.
“Perhaps, I could be left alone to rest. I think if I sleep just a little more, I will recover completely.”
Katsu and Saigo agreed it was a good idea. The warrior god left my room first, giving the back of my hand a light kiss before leaving. He no doubt felt it his duty to show some signs of affection. I didn’t even know how to interpret his behavior toward me. I never had.
Once Katsu left the room, Saigo turned to me.
“I realize that you are tired from your ordeal, but you must be informed. One of the guards had a message for you from Akane, and when he discovered that you were ill, he gave the message to Kenji. I have it here.”