by C. J. Anaya
He must have come to some desperate conclusion, for, without warning, he threw his arms around me and crushed my lips to his. It was a hard and desperate collision, attempting to force a connection that didn’t exist. I felt his tears as they mingled with my own and returned his kiss even though I knew what he was attempting would never have its desired effect. His fear and desperation escalated as he tried to connect to a soul that didn’t belong with his.
He finally lessened the intensity between us and slowly pulled back. The sadness in his eyes made me feel as if he had somehow been dealt a death blow and there was no one capable of saving him. I was a monster for putting him through this. I had to alleviate his concerns and ease his mind. He wasn’t a failure. This wasn’t his fault.
“It’s as if you’ve become fully mortal,” he whispered.
This revelation brought me up short.
“I don’t understand,” I rasped out.
“Humans cannot heal themselves due to the parts of their minds they have no access to. If they could harness the mental capacity to sense their own ki they could heal themselves just as naturally as we do. You used what little energy you owned and subdued your ki long enough to transfer the commander’s memories, but in the process you’ve lost access to the parts of your mind that communicate with your ki. You’re not human, but you may as well be.”
I shook my head. “No, that can’t be right. How do we fix it?”
“I don’t know, Mikomi, but I will do everything I can to bring your soul back to mine. I’ll find a way, I promise.” He stepped forward and kissed me again, softly this time before turning around and leaving the room.
I felt my hope stealing away as I watched him leave. Katsu would never be able to save me, and I had no way of saving myself.
* * *
My father entered the room a few minutes after Katsu left. If he noticed my distress he didn’t care, as usual.
“I see you’ve taken my threat seriously and discovered the location for the arrival of the gold shipment.”
He still maintained that eerily calm façade. It set my nerves on edge. I waited for an attack in the dark, sensing the danger without seeing it.
“I have the location, but I must have your word that you will harm no one in the village.” My demands were stated with much more confidence than I held. I had never before bargained with my father or refused to immediately impart information. I saw his nostrils flare ever so slightly. I’d finally hit a nerve.
“I can respect a woman who dares to challenge my authority, especially when it comes from a daughter I previously considered spineless.” He let out a cruel chuckle. “Fine. What are your peasant friends to me?”
“The shipment is landing on the Miyako beach three weeks from now.” My lie came easily. The location was accurate, but I fudged on the arrival date. It would come in two weeks’ time. I wanted to give Akane and her men ample opportunity to encounter the shipment before my father and his soldiers did.
He shot his hand forward and snatched the front of my kimono. “If this is not accurate, I will find out eventually, and you will not enjoy the consequences.”
I forced myself to make eye contact with him as I said, “I’m not lying.” I held still and waited for him as he vacillated between suspicion and acceptance. If he sensed my lie, the beating rendered would be one from which I might never recover, not without the ability to heal.
Satisfied, he nodded once and released me. He patted me on the head, treating me like a pet who had just performed a useful service.
“There is one more thing I wish to discuss with you. It has come to my attention that you have discovered my desire to build a kami army.”
I spoke before thinking. “How did you—”
My father backhanded me, sending me sprawling to the floor. I tasted the coppery tang of blood and swayed unsteadily upon my knees. Once the room steadied and the darkening of my vision cleared, I turned to face him, though I could only manage to do so in a sitting position. He stood over me, no longer concealing his hatred and anger for my insubordinate behavior.
“I haven’t spent thousands of hours plotting and planning, sharing your blood amongst my pathetic soldiers only to have you thwart me with your passive aggressive tactics. If you continue to refuse to bind your blood to those men, I will strike at you in any way I can. No one will be spared. Not Kenji. Not Katsu. Not even your mother.”
“You can’t be serious,” I stated.
My father’s anger spiked, but I had had enough of playing the victim.
“You can’t kill Katsu. He is immortal.”
“You surprise me, Mikomi. After all of the wonderful time we’ve spent together, how could you possibly underestimate me? My threats are never idle. The next time I summon you for a healing, you had best comply with my true wishes.”
“I can’t heal anymore. My ki is no longer under my control.”
“Find a way, Mikomi. You’ve proved yourself rather resourceful as of late. Find a way or your precious Katsu dies.” With that he sailed out of the room, not sparing a single glance for his dead commander on the table.
I knew he had something up his sleeve, but I never dreamed he had found a way to kill a kami. Unless he was simply throwing out empty threats to scare me—and I doubted very much that this was the case—my father possessed a weapon from the underworld and was ready to use it on my betrothed if I didn’t fall in line. How he had managed to come by such a dangerous weapon was beyond me, but I knew it held the key to his recent behavior. He felt invincible, more so than usual. The proverbial trick up his sleeve. I had to discover where that weapon was, and soon, before all of my options were taken from me and all of the people I loved perished in the process.
I stared into the empty space before me, searching for a solution to my many insurmountable problems, stifling silence my only companion.
I slept like the dead that night, but the slumber did me little good in the face of what Katsu had planned for me. He arrived just after I dressed, asking if he could join me for breakfast.
“Of course, Katsu. I would be delighted. I am happy to see you are not needed elsewhere.”
His lips puckered into an angry scowl. “It would seem that leaving you unattended at any time, whether day or night, isn’t the wisest of decisions. I find that it is necessary to either protect you from your father or protect you from yourself.”
His censure stung, but I could find no fault with it. As my betrothed, it was understood that Katsu was also my master and the man I answered to since my care and protection were his responsibility. The idea of any woman making the kind of decisions I had made without express permission from some male authority was absolutely unheard of, not to mention insulting and disrespectful.
In truth, I felt a little easier with him here even if he had come to chastise me. With my father’s threat at the forefront of my mind, Katsu’s company was more than welcome.
I bent my head low, eyes to the floor, hating to do it, but recognizing I owed this man more than I could ever repay, and the damage I had inflicted upon our relationship was mine to atone for.
“I must apologize for what happened, and for embarrassing you in front of my father.”
“Mikomi, do you really believe that is what I am upset about? Embarrassing me? You were traveling outside the palace walls with no protection, healing peasants at some local tavern. I understand why you hid your activities from your father, but you never should have hidden them from me.”
I chafed at the reprimand even though he was in the right. I should have confided everything. There were still many things I needed to impart with him, but I still possessed the desire to defend my actions.
“The decision I made to help the village as their healer came at a time in my life when I had very little to live for. I couldn’t stand to witness the suffering within my empire without employing my gift. I began my forays from the palace long before you came into the picture. I never meant to deceive you, but my
role as the village healer has been a part of my life for five years now, and I didn’t think it wise to tell you.”
His outrage and disappointment were palpable. I revealed to him the truth of how I felt about this and made no apologies for my own behavior. It was not the response he wanted or expected.
“You didn’t think it wise to tell me? You didn’t even ask for my permission to continue this foolishness, Mikomi.”
I lifted my eyes to his. “Would you have allowed it if I had?”
“Of course not,” he thundered. “I understand these tender feelings you hold toward a people who have suffered at the hands of your father, but you are meant for something greater, and at the present you aren’t even capable of healing a small bruise or cut. You have done nothing but endanger your ascension, and by so doing you have endangered all of us.”
His hands were fisted at his sides and he took a deep breath. I watched him warily. I knew he had no intention of ever laying a hand on me, but it was difficult for my mind to convince my body to remain calm when I knew this kind of anger tended to escalate in a manner that generally left me bruised and bleeding.
When his eyes grabbed mine again, I was startled to read sadness and despair there.
I swallowed hard, fighting back the guilt I felt at never having told him the truth while simultaneously trying to convince myself that the lies had been worth it to help all of those people.
“Katsu, I can’t change my actions or my decisions, and I can’t say that if I had the chance to do it all over again I would choose a different path. My nature doesn’t allow for quiet acceptance of another person’s suffering and pain, and my status as The Healer, and a woman no less, leaves me very little room for arguing the point. I do not have equal say in my movements, and the best way around that is to decide these things for myself. I am sorry I hurt you with my deception.”
Katsu let out a frustrated sigh. “You disobeyed because you care so much for others. Even I cannot fault you for that, but I can tell you that it will never happen again. There is too much at stake, Mikomi, and even now I have no idea if there is a way to fix what is broken within you or if we should all submit ourselves to the demon god and be done with it.”
Panic stirred within me. “Katsu, surely you don’t believe that our situation is as helpless as that. I just need time to heal—”
“And you shall have it. This radical behavior from you has forced my hand, and from now on you will remain in this room unless I summon you or Kenji takes you out for your veil training, and as my betrothed you are duty bound to obey me. Do you understand?”
I lowered my eyes to the floor before they could flash the anger I felt at this humiliating change in our relationship. He was drawing a line. No matter how much he cared or protected me from my father, in the end I was his property, and he was firmly setting up those proper boundaries between a man and his wife. It was the type of behavior I dreaded dealing with before Katsu arrived. It was the type of marriage I’d hoped to avoid.
I schooled my voice before I responded. “I understand.”
“I want to make you happy, Mikomi. For the longest time this is all I have wanted, but in the end, I must do what is best for all of mankind.” He hardened his emotions against me before he spoke again. “I must protect The Healer.”
My heart seized at this duty bound statement. A statement acknowledging that any action he took for or against me would always be determined by my status as The Healer and nothing more. There would never be true love or even real affection, just a gnawing reminder of his duty to enter into a marriage for the good of all mankind instead of the desires of his heart.
And why should that pain me so when I loved another? Because in the end, I believed our relationship to mean more than this. I was suddenly extremely grateful I hadn’t shared my other secrets concerning my involvement with the rebels. Forget locking me in my room. If Katsu knew the truth, he might very well force me to leave, not just Kagami, but the whole of Japan.
He strode out of the room angry yet determined, completely ignoring the servants who entered to lay out breakfast for the morning. He had his own agenda to attend to, but I had come too far to accept defeat by shoving aside mine. I still had work to do.
With a sinking heart, I realized I hadn’t had a chance to warn him of my father’s threats to his safety. It was imperative that I inform Katsu of the existence of a weapon from the underworld in my father’s possession. I raced to the door and wrenched it open, fully intending to follow Katsu and warn him of the danger, but Yao placed a hand on my shoulder to stop me.
“Princess, Katsu has ordered that we are not to let you leave your rooms.” He appeared pained at this admission, yet I understood the fine line he and Chan walked. They would help me to make my meetings with Akane and Musubi, but they also had to make it look as if they followed orders from Katsu as well.
I gave Yao a smile to communicate my understanding and took a step back. Lowering my voice, I said, “Katsu is in grave danger. My father has somehow managed to obtain a weapon from the underworld and is threatening to use it against Katsu if I don’t comply with his wishes.”” Yao and Chan widened their eyes at this, the only perceptible reaction to my alarming announcement. “If I am not allowed to leave my rooms to warn him, then I must ask that you send an anonymous message if you can manage it. Something to keep him on his guard and abreast of the danger to his person.”
Yao and Chan placed a fist to their chests and bowed from the waist. “We will take care of it, Princess,” Chan whispered.
I returned the bow and then entered my room, closing the door softly behind me. There was nothing to do now but chafe at my imprisonment until my next meeting with Akane and Musubi.
* * *
Arriving at my planned meeting the following night proved a more difficult task to accomplish due to my current incarceration. I was forced to sneak out of my window—disguised in some of Saigo’s clothing——much later than planned when extra guards were sent to my door to keep tabs on me, courtesy of Katsu. This was no doubt a reaction to the warning of the danger to his person.
It amused me that a threat to the warrior god’s existence would induce him to bulk up my own protection. Though he remained upset with my actions, his top priority would always be The Healer’s safety. A deep sense of guilt engulfed me as I climbed out my window, considering my continued deceptions and secretive behavior.
I brushed these distracting thoughts aside, reminding myself that my subterfuge was for a good cause. Even now the information I intended to impart with Akane and Musubi concerning the gold shipment would be invaluable in forcing my father’s hand and drawing him out of the palace, making him an easier target for capture and imprisonment.
Upon my arrival at the ruins of Yanbaru, I found Akane pacing back and forth, clearly agitated. I scanned the area for Musubi, but failed to locate him. My heart sank in despair. My brazen advances during our last session together must have put him off. What if he refused to train me after all? I cast the horrifying thought aside, forcing myself to stop jumping to conclusions.
Akane turned at my approach and let out a relieved sigh.
“I thought the very worst when you failed to arrive on time. Dozens of scenarios of what might have prevented you from coming played through my mind over and over again. Considering what happened with Daiki and Hatsumi, I wondered if your father had injured you again.”
I gave her a quizzical look.
“Yao managed to get a message to me yesterday.” She reached over to give me a hug, which I eagerly accepted. “How are they, by the way?”
I explained to her their circumstances and the danger they were now in because of me. “Katsu is going to oversee their flight from Kagami.”
She stewed on that for a moment. “It is interesting that he would risk his immortality for Daiki and his family. Your betrothed must genuinely care for you.”
I gave a half-hearted shrug, reviewing the most recent conversation wi
th Katsu and the way he had pulled rank, so to speak. “I think he holds some regard for me as a human being, but he is strictly devoted to The Healer.”
Akane’s eyes narrowed. “And how do you feel about your betrothed?”
“I know I am not in love with him, but I had thought for some time that we were becoming dear friends. The secrets he has discovered have ruined any trust he may have had in me. I fear I have hurt him and will most likely continue to do so, though I know he doesn’t deserve such treatment.” I spread my arms wide as if to ask, “What other choice do I have?” My hands were tied in so many ways, and the lies continued to pile one on top of the other. “I cannot abandon this path I am on, and the sooner my father is removed from the throne, the sooner the empire of Kagami can begin to heal.”
“I know it is difficult to keep secrets from the people we love and care about. I’m exhausted when I consider the way Musubi will react when he discovers everything we have kept from him, but it is necessary for the time being, Mikomi.” She placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “I promise you when the time is right we will be able to reveal all of these secrets. You won’t have to carry this burden much longer.”
“Do you ever have doubts about the path you have chosen, Akane?”
She took on a reflective expression. “I’m not one to second guess myself. It is blatantly obvious that the emperor is a cancerous presence, poisoning the empire and destroying the citizens within it. I cannot for the life of me understand why our First Parents have not interceded on our behalf. How could this misery and suffering be part of their plan?”
I considered her question and thought back to something Katsu had revealed to me. “I think we are meant to make our own choices in this life, and the consequences must play out their course. I too have often questioned why terrible tragedies happen to the greatest and the most undeserving of us without any interference from gods who claim to have our best interests at heart, but I believe we might resent our First Parents if they took those choices and those consequences away. We are left to govern ourselves, and when tyrannical forces rise against us it is our choice to either cower in defeat or band together and fight.”