by C. J. Anaya
“Please, don’t leave me again, Edana. Never again.”
I felt a large tear run down my face and choked back a sob, forcing myself to say exactly what he needed to hear.
“Never again,” I whispered. “Never again.” And I meant it. I actually meant it. I wanted to ease his mind and lessen his pain, but in that moment I realized I had no desire to ever leave him again. I loved him terribly, and I would stand by him in any capacity he saw fit…friend, sister, student…it mattered very little at this point so long as I never left his side.
Musubi let out a contented sigh while I continued holding his hand, wanting to give him the emotional security he needed, but feeling hollow and empty inside. Edana must have been the woman he lost so long ago, and he was still holding onto the pain of it. It made me wonder if he would ever be willing to let that pain go and eventually love someone again.
Then a new thought set in: my duties and responsibilities as The Healer.
Denial had been my friend for quite some time, a tool I used to help me cope, as if I might have some kind of control over my future and the choices that loomed ahead. I’d wanted to bury my head in the sand and pretend I could choose to be happy…that I could choose love.
Millions of people were depending on me to serve my purpose and protect this world we lived in. I had an obligation to find my true soul mate and fulfill the prophecy. Could I turn my back on millions of lives just to be close to a man who was in love with someone else? It was selfish, reckless, and unthinkable.
Why was I actually considering it?
It was no use. This idea of turning my back on my responsibilities. I couldn’t consider it any longer. I would join the rebels and defeat my father and his army, and then I would begin searching for my soul mate. I wearily positioned myself next to the man I loved, if only to remain close to him during the little time we had left.
When I awoke some time later, Musubi was no longer next to me. I panicked, thinking something awful might have happened to him, and quickly stood, nearly running into the horse standing still and silent next to me. I patted his neck more to calm my nerves than his and tried to see through the gloom of the empty cave. The only source of light came from the rays of the sun glistening off the cascading water from the falls. It was a mystical kind of liquid barrier between this tiny safe haven and the world beyond.
I walked forward and let my hand gently graze the cool water, then I cupped it with both hands and washed my face and neck. There was a small space between the cave and the falling water to the right, so I followed that space, walking out of the cave, past the liquid shield and down a grassy winding path. I ventured forth into a small clearing and found Musubi sitting in the middle, shirtless, with his back to me. I immediately searched for the arrow wound from last night, but his skin looked smooth and unblemished. There wasn’t even the puckering of a fresh scar.
“Your wound has healed completely. How is that possible?” I asked. My voice carried softly across the meadow.
Musubi stood and turned, giving me a view of his nicely muscled chest. I suddenly wished I hadn’t asked him anything. This was the first time we’d had a moment alone after he denied having ever harbored any affection for me. I felt uncertain as to where we would go from here.
He looked as if he was about to say something, but then his eyes widened and fear flashed across his face. He hurriedly marched over to me and lifted my chin.
“Mikomi, the whites of your eyes remain blood red. Why is this injury still affecting you?” He began examining my head, softly running his fingers across the top of my scalp and gliding them down to the base of my neck. The sensations his fingers evoked prevented me from responding to his question. I finally stepped out of his reach and held my hands up.
“My body will make it right eventually, I’m sure.”
This information didn’t seem to ease his worry. He approached me again and lifted my chin.
“You will explain the circumstances surrounding your injury this time, and don’t you dare tell me you were ill. For the whites of your eyes to turn red like this a serious injury must have occurred first.”
“I believe the last time we spoke, I was very clear that I didn’t wish to discuss it.” I pulled away from his touch again. His close contact unnerved me. Unfortunately, my voice shook, and I was unable to maintain eye contact. It was difficult to keep things from a man whose carefully measured look caused my soul to feel naked and vulnerable.
I studied the ground, hoping he would drop the matter. He stepped toward me again and soon his bare feet came into view. I wondered where his shoes were and almost laughed at the ridiculously errant thought.
“Mikomi,” he said, lifting my chin again. I was surprised at the stormy look in his eyes. “Who did this to you?”
“No...no one.”
“You’re a terrible liar. I want to know who did this to you and how.”
“My father did this to me, but I can’t tell you how.”
He looked even more angered at my response.
“You can, and you will.”
“No, I will not. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”
“But it has everything to do with your safety, and your safety falls under my jurisdiction. Do you really think I’m going to train you to fight and defend yourself against the emperor’s men only turn a blind eye to your father’s abuse?”
His hands came to rest on my shoulders. I kept my eyes firmly glued to the grass between us.
“How many times has he hurt you?”
“I really think we should change the subject—”
“How many times, Mikomi? You’ll either tell me now or…” he wrapped his arms around me and drew me against his chest,”…we remain like this for as long as it takes for you to trust me with your fear and your pain. I cannot teach you if you are not honest with me.”
I swallowed hard. It was such a struggle to steady my breathing with his arms around me.
“It’s happened all my life; too many times to give you an exact number, but I deal with it as best as I can and that’s all.”
“I won’t allow you to return to your home. From now on you will stay with the rebels.”
The words were sweet music to my ears, and only the night before I had vowed to never leave him again, but other factors weighed in, becoming clearer in the brightness of the noon day. Collecting Saigo and Kenji and joining the rebels would be nearly impossible once I returned home. By now, my absence had undoubtedly been noticed by Katsu, and once I returned there was no guarantee he would let me out of his sight again.
“Impossible. I have a brother at home that I am responsible for. He needs me, and I cannot leave until he is ready to go with me.”
“Then we will collect him together.”
“We can’t. It’s…I cannot explain to you the reasons, just know that it is safer for me to return home and leave with him when things have quieted down.”
Musubi’s anger blossomed; an emotion that always thrummed within him, but this time the thrumming grew into a snarling growl. It choked off all other feelings. He needed a distraction. A change of topic was certainly in order.
“Enough about my current situation, I must know how your wound healed so quickly. I know you were hit with an arrow.”
He released me and moved away, leaving me cold without his arms to warm me.
“I have always been quick to heal. I assure you it is nothing out of the ordinary amongst my family and friends.”
He had no desire to talk about the subject, and I decided to let it drop for now.
I couldn’t help but worry about Yao and Chan and how they were covering for my inexplicable absence. I needed to return to the palace as quickly as possible or a search party would be sent for me. Katsu was going to have a thousand questions.
“I really feel we should be getting back.”
“Not anxious to spend another glorious night with me, little healer?” He turned back to look at me.
&
nbsp; A slow blush blossom across my face. My discomfort was obvious considering the satisfied smirk he gave me. It was cruel, really. I had already played my hand and allowed him access to my heart. Any flirting or teasing from him now would only serve to hurt and confuse me.
“I have obligations and family waiting for me. I’m sure they’re all very worried, and no doubt searching for me.” Katsu would be combing every nook and cranny of the empire in an attempt to find me.
“Yes, about that…just which family of the higher classes do you belong to, and how have you managed to keep your involvement with us rebels a secret for the last few months? In other words, who is your father and when can I kill him for all of the beatings you’ve suffered under his hand?”
His tone was conversational, but I knew it masked the tight anger coiled just beneath the surface. I wondered what it might take for that anger to uncoil and strike.
“You’ll understand then why I refuse to give up that information.”
“I see. Well, I’m afraid they must know something is terribly wrong by now, and as much as I would love to return you to your loving father, leaving this area would be unwise.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mikomi, the emperor’s soldiers are no doubt combing the forest looking for us. Me, more specifically.”
“What makes you think the soldiers won’t find us here? Besides the cave behind the waterfall, this place isn’t exactly well hidden.”
“I have a...special talent for hiding myself and those I’m protecting.”
I puzzled at that. I was certain, even he couldn’t backtrack the way we had come to cover up his horse’s hoof prints.
“We remain here until I feel it is safe to contact Akane and retrieve your brother from your dwelling. I won’t let you go back to your home to suffer another beating, Mikomi.”
I hoped Akane had a plan for that. The last thing I wanted was for Musubi to deliver me to the gates of the palace. Cover destroyed, not to mention his neck on the chopping block.
“I do want to leave, but a few things must fall into place beforehand. I’m sorry, but I must go back.”
Musubi grunted, looking as if he might press the matter further.
“You don’t even know if Akane has been captured,” I argued. “She may not have escaped before the guards arrived. We must depart now and discover what has happened to her.” The thought of my dear friend wounded and helpless was not something I wanted to contemplate.
“Akane is much more resilient than you could possibly imagine. In situations such as these, we know to meet up at a specific rendezvous point within two days. She’ll be awaiting our arrival. She will be fine,” he insisted as I opened my mouth to form another argument. “I am responsible for you, and I will not take you out of this area until I know it is safe to leave. Until then, I believe it would be a good idea for us to continue your training. Perhaps you will consider using what you have learned against your father in order to prevent his further injuring you.”
Trainings. Always the perfect distraction from whatever differences or heavy emotions existed between us.
I wanted to be honest with Musubi. I knew I could trust him with my secret, but it was an amazing thing to have someone know me as simply Mikomi and not The Healer. Would he treat me differently if he knew who I really was? Would he even be willing to continue on as my mentor? I couldn’t risk my training or the opportunity to be with Musubi. I just needed to spend a little more time as Mikomi.
“I want to cover a technique vital to your training,” he continued when I refused to respond to his comment.
“What technique is that?”
“Sight.” He stared at me, but said nothing after that. I thought he might give further instructions on his one-word answer, but he continued to stand there watching...waiting. I couldn’t seem to look away. Anytime I allowed myself the luxury of staring into those startling azure eyes of his, I usually found myself lost, submerged within their watery blue depths and reemerging with time lost. I came back to myself as my feet slipped out from underneath me, and I landed lightly on my back.
“Oof,” I grunted. I sat up and glared at Musubi’s happy little smile.
“How…why…?”
“How did I manage to swipe your legs out from under you? Sight. The way you watch an opponent will be crucial to the success of your attacks and your ability to defend yourself. If I stare at your legs, the area in which I intend to strike, you might anticipate my move and prevent it. Though your legs are quite lovely to look upon,” he gave me a wicked smile, “staring at them will forewarn you of my intentions.” He reached for my hand and helped me to stand. “I see that you are wearing more appropriate attire this time. It’s a shame, really. I didn’t mind relieving you of your kimono.”
Studying myself, I realized I was still wearing my brother’s clothing. I folded my arms across my chest, feeling flustered and frustrated at Musubi’s teasing manner. Having him treat me with cold indifference was almost preferable to his sultry smiles and heady flirtations since he was so determined to never follow through with any of it. I nearly stomped my foot in annoyance, but remembered my upbringing and refrained from exhibiting such rude behavior. A silly thing to adhere to.
“Your mistake was looking solely at my face—”
“Your eyes,” I corrected absently.
“What was that?”
“I was looking into your eyes.” Just as I was at that very moment. I couldn’t help it. They were frosty pools of liquid blue and completely captivated me. Musubi’’s face went from that of teacher to something else entirely. It was a heated look of warning and possibly desire. “I mean...it’s just very hard to look away from them...your eye color is not common around here.””
“So you enjoy staring into my eyes due to their unique coloring?” He was teasing me. Again. I couldn’t hold onto my composure. His presence alone made my emotions unravel.
“I didn’t say I enjoyed it. I merely corrected you on your assumption that I was staring at your face. It’s perfectly normal for me to be curious about your origins. You don’t look like you were born here.”
“Of course,” he said, approaching me like a panther might approach something he means to pounce on and devour. “It’s perfectly normal for you to stare lovingly into my eyes simply because they’re blue.”
“I wasn’t staring lovingly—oof.”
My legs went out from under me again, and he let out a low chuckle.
“You tend to lose focus when you’re flustered. It’s quite adorable, but it could get you killed.” He offered his hand, but I batted it away and stood up on my own.
“I highly doubt my enemy is going to attempt to flirt with me before he runs me through with his blade.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing? Flirting?”
“Well, you don’t seem to have any concept of personal boundaries, you are constantly ripping off my kimonos left and right.” He let out a laugh, but I ignored him and continued while wiping the grass from my trousers. “And you kissed me in the cave back there when you were sleeping.”
His laughter broke off abruptly.
“What did you say?”
I looked up and noticed an immediate change in his stance. His body was rigid, his jaw clenched tight, with arms straight and fists folded in at his side. The thrumming anger returned like a loud buzzing within my head, but this time his anger was directed at me.
“Mikomi,” he ground out. “I have already made myself perfectly clear as to how the dynamics of our relationship will play out. I am your teacher, and you are my student. I would never confuse that by kissing you in a dark cave in the middle of the night.”
No, but your eyes and emotional responses to me tell a different story.
His immediate rejection to my claim hurt me in a crushing kind of way. The ache in my heart was not the kind of pain my ki specialized in healing. I think what disturbed me more was his immediate need to wrap himself in a cocoon of negat
ive emotion in response to any suggestions of physical intimacy between us. He looked like a tightly pressurized bottle of rage ready to explode. I’d witnessed and felt that same kind of anger around my father, and although I knew Musubi wished to protect me, I couldn’t help feeling fear in the presence of this cancerous rage coursing through him. It was so strong I began to feel nauseated.
“You must be right. I’m sure I was just terrified from last night’s events and as a result experienced some vivid dreams. It was just a dream.”
His shoulders lowered slightly as the heat from his rage slowly cooled.
“I’m sorry, Mikomi. I should not have reacted that way. You have no need to fear me. I promise.”
I let out a shaky breath and nodded.
“There…was this woman—”
“Please, stop.” I didn’t want to hear about Edana. The kiss from last night and the pain his utterance of Edana’s name had given me remained raw and fresh. More than anything, I wanted him to trust in me and share those burdens he carried, but my fragile emotions couldn’t handle discussing the woman he had loved and lost. Not at that particular moment. “You don’t owe me an explanation. You don’t owe me anything at all. You’re my teacher, and I am your student. Correct?”
Musubi silently scrutinized me. I wondered for a moment if he might tell me I was wrong. That being a simple student wasn’t the role he wished me to play. That he felt more for me than what an instructor might feel for his pupil. After a few moments, though, he simply nodded and returned to his previous instruction.
I inhaled deeply and did my best to breathe out the turmoil within me.
“As I was saying, it is important to see your opponent as you would a mountain.”
“A mountain?”
“Yes, you take in the whole of your opponent all at once as you would a distant mountain. If you look solely at my eyes for a hint as to my next move you may be missing some signal I give when I start to move my hands or feet. If your attention is diverted to my limbs, I can trick you with a movement designed to distract you. Soon you are focusing on something else when I strike. If you look only at the point of a sword you will also be fooled by a feint.”