by C. J. Anaya
“There’s nothing to understand.”
“Your life sounds lonely.”
“It has been.”
“Until you met your one true love, Edana.”
“Yes. My loneliness was briefly alleviated.”
“And then she died.”
Musubi gritted his teeth. “Why are you asking about Edana again?”
I shrugged, feeling anxious and hopeful while fearing rejection at any moment. “I’m trying to see things in the order they happened. Edana is gone, you’re still here, and you’re still unwed. Don’t you yearn for someone to share your life with?”
Musubi warred within himself for the correct response and then turned his back to me, letting out a frustrated grunt as he did so.
“Even if I wanted to find someone to share my life with, it would take years of searching to find an individual who met the right criteria.”
“Criteria? So now you have a check list,” I teased.
He shook his head, letting out a rueful laugh.
“There is only one kami who has been given the promise of love with a woman he can have by his side forever. Masaru Katsu,” he nearly ground out the name, “will never know what it is like to endure the endless monotony of immortality with nothing but duty as his eternal companion.”
“Why won’t you give us a chance? Why won’t you at least try?”
He turned to me and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’ll never again allow myself to fall for someone I can’t have. The consequences are too painful to consider, and there are still those who must pay for previous wrongs committed.” He swallowed hard and hardened himself to the feelings my questions evoked.
“It’s a bit warm in here, Mikomi. I think I’ll go sleep outside under the stars tonight.”
I stared at the empty space on the cot after his departure. The material was still warm from his body heat, but I felt chilled to the bone by his persistent resistance to what was so obviously right between us. I wondered if his fear and his thirst for what he perceived as justice would forever blind him to what was right in front of him. If he was the god of love and marriage, why couldn’t he see that we were meant for one another?
* * *
Day two of our journey was about as long and arduous as the first day had been, but it was less enjoyable due to Musubi’s conspicuous absence. He never once came to check on me throughout the day. I mentally berated myself for my bold behavior. I had certainly pushed him too far the previous night.
After we made camp about two miles from the edge of the forest, I headed toward the smell of cooked fish.
A warm hand lightly grasped my shoulder. I recognized the tingling sensation I felt whenever Musubi was near.
“Mikomi, Akane feels that I have been remiss in my duties as your teacher and wishes me to work with you on your technique before dinner.”
My stomach grumbled an angry protest, but I ignored it, unwilling to turn down an opportunity to spend time with my husband.
Fake husband.
No doubt, Akane had noticed Musubi distancing himself from me and sought to rectify the situation. Clever move on her part.
“Of course. I’ll retrieve my practice sword and—”
“No need. I have everything we need over in that small clearing.” He pointed to an area several yards behind the camp and moved toward it without checking to see if I followed. His feigned indifference annoyed me.
My patience with him was wearing thin.
* * *
“Again,” Musubi shouted.
This session had been a delicate balancing act between increasing my abilities without revealing too much of what I was already capable of. He had started with basic sword thrusts and parries, but had advanced far beyond that as I showed quick ability to remember the varying hand positions upon my sword and the footwork with every maneuver. Though I felt I had done my best to unearth my skill at a slower pace, Musubi looked to be increasingly frustrated with each new piece of technique I mastered.
“Gyaku-dou,” he barked out.
Recognizing the specific sword attack, I stepped back on my left foot as I brought my sword forward and moved my left hand higher upon the hilt. I then brought it closer toward my abdomen, striking Musubi’s sword as he blocked my attack and called out an attack of his own, which I quickly moved to meet.
His shouted attacks and defenses came closer together, and I forgot to contain myself as I fell into the rhythm of our natural sparring.
After several minutes of this Musubi suddenly threw his sword down and batted my own to the side as he reached my shoulders and shook me none too gently.
“What the hell is going on, Mikomi? You did not have such skill during our last training session.”
I stared at him open-mouthed for a moment, sucking in some much needed air. “Is it so difficult to admit that I am an exceptional student and you are an exceptional teacher?”
“I would be more than happy to accept such praises and accolades if it were true, but I cannot take credit for skills I have never taught you.”
My heart leapt to my throat. “Wh-what?”
He leveled me with a searing gaze while drawing me closer to his chest. “You were able to meet me step for step, defense, attack, back and forth as if you didn’t need to think about the orders I gave or the directives I shouted. I decided to see what would happen if I called out some techniques I never before taught you, and you performed them immediately and with flawless precision. What is going on, Mikomi? The truth this time.”
Well, I had certainly spoiled everything. I let out a heavy sigh, nearly feeling giddy with relief that I might unburden myself of at least a few secrets. I couldn’t reveal my identity, not after the promise I had made to Akane, but if I omitted a few truths then I believed I might, in good conscious, answer Musubi’s questions without going against Akane’s wishes.
“As an...empath I have many special talents and abilities. I cannot only read one’s mood but also one’s mind.”
He looked absolutely horrified with my revelation.
“You know exactly what I am thinking?”
I nearly allowed myself an inappropriate chuckle at his obvious panic. No doubt he wondered if thoughts concerning his true feelings for me had been easy to discern.
“No, nothing like that. I am capable of extracting one’s memories. This can be very…er…helpful in ascertaining how certain illnesses are contracted in order to diagnose and cure.” I thought my lie left my lips a little too effortlessly. “Akane and I agreed that it might be better if I learned the art of the sword at a more rapid pace, and she allowed me to share her memories of her trainings with you. I have all of the information now stored within my own memories as if I had been there and trained with you myself. I simply need to practice this newfound knowledge in order to commit it to my own muscle memory. Either way, it appears that our experiment worked, and I am not nearly as helpless as I was before.”
Musubi blinked after I ended my long narrative, but remained silent.
The longer he refused to comment, the more my nervousness grew. “Musubi, tell me what you are thinking, please.”
“I am thinking that it is impossible for a human to be blessed with such rare abilities. Are you quite certain of your parentage? You were in no way adopted or...you didn’t simply arrive at your parents’ doorstep one day?”
I wondered if he thought I might have kami blood in me. An idea that hit far too close to home, but it was better for him to question my parentage than my identity, so I sought to encourage this misconception.
“My mother died long ago, but perhaps her side of the family might have a few interesting secrets never before revealed. As to my father’s status, I couldn’t say.”
More lies. I was becoming a veteran in the art of deception. A sick feeling gnawed its way through my stomach.
“I have suspected for some time that there was something extraordinary concerning your heritage. No human could have the kind o
f power you hold unless a part of you, or all of you, isn’t human.”
“Well, I suppose I could be some sort of mystical creature, inhabiting a human form,” I teased.
My lighthearted comment seemed to hold no sway over his pensive musings.
“I think it’s very likely that you are part kami, Mikomi, and I would like to put this theory to the test.” He seemed almost excited with the prospect.
A surge of panic overwhelmed my senses. Perhaps encouraging this line of thinking had been a mistake. I had no idea if there was a way he could test that particular theory, but felt that any testing he designed might very well lay bare every secret Akane and I harbored.
“That can’t be possible. I thought kami were not able to reproduce.”
“Male kami are perfectly capable of reproducing with humans. It is the female kami who refuse to do so in order to avoid losing their immortality. If your father is a kami, he might have married a human and kept you after she passed. Though it seems improbable considering a kami’s duty is to his role in the universe and not the children he has sired.”
“Or perhaps, I am simply a gifted human, and you are reading far too much into this.”
He gave me a determined look and then wrapped his arms around me. “I am going to do something I have never had the desire…nay…the courage to do with you.”
“What is that?”
“As a kami I have special abilities just as other kami have. I do not wish to tell you what they are at the moment because I have no idea if my suspicions will be confirmed or denied at this point, but I would ask that you allow me to hold you for a moment while I use my ki to communicate with yours.”
My eye widened, but I couldn’t very well argue the point lest he become suspicious. “All right.” My voice sounded shaky even to my own ears.
I immediately felt a strange warmth begin from the tips of my toes and travel the full length of me, centering upon my heart and holding there for several moments. It felt like a strange type of scan upon my person, nothing that I had ever before encountered with anyone. It was different than the way our ki had connected when he had kissed me. That connection had promised a joining of two souls, a healing and rebirth of something foreordained by the gods, but this was more like a quick and impartial look at my own ki, as if examining its substance and chemistry.
He finally pulled away from me, his expression completely indiscernible, but his emotions of elation, suppressed hope, and righteous anger made it completely impossible for me to understand what in the world had just happened. What exactly did Musubi discover?
“Are you going to explain to me what that was about?” I asked.
“You and Akane have kept your secrets, dear Mikomi, but it looks as if I have discovered something that our leader most likely already knew.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. “Come. There is much to discuss with that closed-mouthed street rat.”
My hand warmed within his, and I allowed him to pull me along despite my anxiety in regards to his epiphany.
“You don’t plan on calling Akane a street rat to her face, do you?”
“Why? Are you frightened of her reaction?”
“Of course,” I immediately responded. “I’m no fool. Besides, I’m terribly fond of you, and have no wish to see you die.”
Musubi’s rueful look took on new meaning in light of what he had most likely discovered. “You may not be a fool, my dear, but it would appear that I am. Akane has much to answer for.”
I swallowed hard, knowing in that moment that all of my secrets were about to be laid bare. We entered Akane’s makeshift tent without so much as a by-your-leave, and Musubi didn’t hesitate to upend the cot that Akane was currently sleeping upon.
She moaned as she hit the ground with a soft thud, and then sprang to life in a crouched position with a dagger already unsheathed and ready to wield. When she realized it was simply us, her annoyance combined with her relief was almost comical.
“How many times have I warned you about awakening me like some drunken loon recently returning from a tavern fight?” She sheathed her dagger and stood, rubbing a hand over her sleepy eyes.
“How many times have I asked you about Mikomi’s parentage, her background, her history, and how many times have you lied?”
Akane appeared wide awake now and ready to bolt should the need arise. She sent me a questioning glance, but my worried shoulder shrug conveyed my own confusion.
“What are you talking about? I haven’t lied about anything.”
“You’ve lied to me about everything.” Musubi smashed a hand down upon the rickety table in the tent, sending it flying into pieces.
Akane rolled her eyes heavenward. “The gods save me from kami and their immature temper tantrums.”
My eyes bugged out of their sockets with her provoking comment. I thought it unwise to test the kami’s restraint.
“I know you have read her, Akane. You can’t see her death, can you? You have absolutely no idea how she is going to die because her death is never going to happen. She’s half kami, isn’t she?”
The commander appeared slightly abashed on the one hand, but I sensed her relief as well. Musubi had not yet made that leap to The Healer, but how long would it take for him to do just that.
“And if I confirm your theory, what then?”
Musubi’s eyes glittered with excitement and some underlying outrage.
“Is she or isn’t she half kami?”
“She is.”
Musubi seemed to visibly relax in relief. “Do you have any idea what this means?”
Oh no. My anxious glance rested on Akane as we both held our breaths for whatever conclusions Musubi had come to.
“Tell me,” she said.
It took Musubi several seconds of gaining control over his emotions before he could speak.
“It means that she is unattached, she is…in no way tethered to a soul mate.”
Akane’s confusion was palpable, knowing full well that this title belonged to Musubi himself.
“Are you certain? Perhaps she is tethered to you in some way.”
He shook his head. “You know it doesn’t work like that for full kami. We are not given soul mates. At least most of us aren’t.” He said that last part with a slash of bitterness. “And even if, by some miracle, the gods decided to bless me with a soul mate, I would hardly be capable of recognizing it. Not with this…” he fisted his hand to his heart, “…this encumbrance.”
My eyebrows narrowed.
Encumbrance? What on earth was he referring to? I looked at Akane for some answers, but she appeared just as confused by his choice of words.
“Well, now you know. Mikomi is half kami, she will never die, and as one who has kami blood in her, she is automatically excluded from ever receiving a soul mate. Untethered, as you put it. So what exactly are you going to do about it?”
She had issued a challenge that I couldn’t quite grapple with. What was he supposed to do with the knowledge that I was half kami? Train me harder? Encourage me to absorb other memories that might be beneficial for my future as a samurai warrior? The answer came when Musubi turned around with a look that I can only describe as fearful, grabbed my hand and led me out of the tent, past our sparse company of soldiers and back into the thicker parts of the forest. As I struggled to keep up with him his emotions caught hold of my attention.
There was fear, certainly, but it was the fear of hoping, of holding onto an idea that might just be the beginning of something greater than simple contentment. Then that hope began to grow and his excitement grew with it. An intoxicating energy built between us as we walked deeper into the forest. I soon realized that the energy buzzing within him was simple, sweet elation. Joy took over, effectively annihilating any latent anger that had managed to survive this emotional transformation, and the moment he turned to face me I almost failed to recognize him.
The muscles in his jaw were completely relaxed. The angry scowl and bitter twist to h
is otherwise perfect lips had taken flight. In a word, he looked radiant.
Happy.
Hopeful.
What is going on?
As if answering my internal question, he cupped my chin and brought his lips to mine, delivering a kiss that left me dizzy with desire. I felt my knees buckle at the unexpected sensations rushing through my system, and Musubi pulled me to him, supporting me as our kiss deepened. He pulled away all of a sudden and narrowed his eyes, running a hand through his hair and muttering an expletive under his breath.
“I’m going about this all wrong.”
“What you’re doing is confusing me. Not that I’m against receiving kisses from you, but you’ve made it abundantly clear that our relationship will never go past that of teacher and student. You were painfully forthcoming on the matter.”
He took both my hands in his and held them close to his heart. “Mikomi, I…” A ball of emotion prevented him from continuing on. I saw the struggle in his countenance, experienced the exuberance of his discovery and its meaning. He tried again.
“I’ve spent centuries believing that the kind of happiness and joy others receive through finding their soul mate—the one person on this Earth capable of completing such an essential place in their heart and making it whole—would never be something I might come to know. Everyone on this Earth belongs to someone, but kami are never given to anyone. They are untethered, their duties requiring their entire focus and attention, and a family is simply not one of their duties.” He gazed upon me, nearly swallowing me whole with the hopefulness I witnessed there. “But a family is the only thing I’ve ever wanted for myself. I tried with Edana.”
It hurt to hear him mention her name again, but I fought back the uncalled for jealousy.
“She was the first human I had ever encountered who didn’t belong to anyone. I can’t account for the reasons why or how that happened, but I thought it was a chance for happiness, and I’ve never been more bitterly disappointed than when that happiness was forcibly taken from me.” He drew me in closer and traced a finger down the side of my face, allowing it to linger just under my chin. “But then you came along with your caring heart and your selfless desire to be everyone’s savior, including mine.” He shook his head as a few rogue tears slid from his eyes. “I couldn’t bear the thought of caring for you because I knew…I knew if I ever allowed my heart to be moved in that direction, I would only come up empty-handed. Every human has a soul mate, Mikomi. I didn’t read your soul because I didn’t want to know who he was. This man that would hold you during the night, be the father of your children, the one chosen to be your other half in life and in death. I knew any love I might develop for you would change my goals and strip my anger and bitterness away. It would save me from myself just as you have saved me. But you have a choice. You’re tied to no one, least of all me, and yet that gives me more hope than I’ve ever allowed myself to realize throughout my entire existence.”