A Baby on Her Christmas List

by Louisa George

So, in reality, she needed to forget about any kind of intimacy with Liam, shouldn’t waste precious time wondering how it was going to work out—because she should be concentrating on getting through the pregnancy and planning to bring up a child as a co-parent with a friend.

  Which didn’t work so well for her when she was lying next to him in bed, or trying to do the nine-to-five at her day job when her head was full of naked images of him earlier that morning.

  ‘Georgie, did you manage to get the blood-test results for Kate Holland? She’s coming in this afternoon and I want to make sure she’s all set.’ Malcolm had returned from settling his mum into a nursing home in Dorset and had hit the clinic with renewed vigour.

  Georgie watched as he bustled around the office, ordered and officious. He was a nice guy, but had some traits that she found just a little irritating. In retrospect it was good that she hadn’t asked him to be the donor for her child. What on earth had she been thinking? But, then, on the other hand, Malcolm was nice. Just nice. Not anything else. Not complicated, not sexy as all hell, not a brilliant kisser—okay, so she didn’t know that, but he didn’t have sexy lips.

  ‘Georgie?’

  Malcolm. He was sitting at the desk opposite her now, face masked by a computer screen. ‘Oh, sorry. Yes?’

  ‘Blood results for Kate Holland?’

  ‘Yes, I phoned the lab to chase them again an hour ago and they said they’d email them through. They should be here...’ She tapped on her keyboard and brought the work up on screen. ‘There you go. I’ve directed them to her file. All looking good. She’ll be pleased.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Her boss’s head popped up over the monitor. ‘Georgie, are you okay?’

  ‘Absolutely fine, thanks.’ And so far she hadn’t let her thoughts interfere with her job, but they were definitely trying to filter in. Which was annoying in the extreme, because she loved this job, needed the pay, loved helping people reach their dreams, so focus was the watchword of the day.

  ‘If you need to talk anything through I’d be more than happy...’ Malcolm’s face disappeared back behind the computer screen, but after a few moments it reappeared again. ‘No pressure, though.’

  ‘Seriously, I’m fine. Tired, but that’s to be expected.’ And in truth the lack of sleep wasn’t all pregnancy related.

  Malcolm looked hugely relieved at the prospect of not having a stressing-out employee on his hands. She hadn’t mentioned to anyone at work who the father was and wanted to keep things quiet. It was far too complicated to try talking about this kind of thing here. Everyone thought they knew everything, everyone thought they understood and they were all so lovely and well meaning, but how could they understand when she didn’t even understand half of it herself?

  Malcolm went back to tapping on the keyboard. ‘Ah, I see we have Jo Kinney arriving in ten minutes for follicular monitoring.’

  ‘I know, I made the booking, but don’t worry—I’ll make myself scarce. I understand how frustrating it is to see pregnant tummies in a fertility clinic when you’re struggling to get even a fraction of the way.’

  Her boss’s voice was concerned. ‘I’m hoping the counselling sessions are helping her.’

  ‘I think so. The last time she was in she confessed to feelings of uncontrollable jealousy if any of her friends told her they were pregnant. And she’s not talking to her sister at the moment because she’s carrying twins. It’s all so very difficult for her.’ Since she’d become pregnant Georgie had been at pains to make sure she’d been extra-compassionate with her patients. She had what many of them only dreamt about and that was something she would never take for granted. ‘I do have a feeling that she’ll get there in the end, though.’

  ‘We can only hope so. Don’t look so worried, I’ll give her the best shot we have.’ Malcolm stood to leave. ‘So do me a favour and take a lunch break for a change. The sun’s shining and the yachts are racing out on the gulf. Get some fresh air. And while you’re out, buy some tinsel, we need to Christmas this place up a bit, and last year’s decorations are looking a bit sad.’

  ‘Now you’ve definitely asked the right person for that job. I don’t need to be asked twice to go Christmas shopping.’ Smiling, Georgie stood and took off her name badge. She had plans to meet Liam for lunch, but had kept that information under wraps. Meeting him in secret for snatched lunches added to the excitement. ‘Actually, I’m also going to go and take a sneak peek at that new baby shop. They import things from Europe apparently, it sounds wonderful.’

  ‘Don’t go buying the whole place up.’

  ‘I won’t. I’m just going for ideas. After the renovations I don’t have much left over for the frills.’ She grabbed her bag and made a quick mental list of things she needed. A pram, a cot, cloth nappies, a stroller. Basically, the essentials. It was only window shopping, but it was lovely to dream.

  The light warm breeze was welcome after the cloistered atmosphere in the clinic. Summer was edging in and starting to make its presence felt; the shoppers and office workers on High Street had shed their thick woollen coats and knee-length boots. The shop displays had Christmassy reds, greens and silvers instead of wintry blacks and browns, Georgie noted, and that made her feel bright. Despite not knowing which way was up with Liam, there was so much she should be thankful for. She had a great house, a great job with understanding and supportive colleagues. She had a future right here in her belly. There were many not so fortunate.

  She almost broke into song, with the buskers churning out the old Christmas favourites...and, strangely, hearing ‘Away In A Manger’ brought a lump to her throat. A happy lump.

  Choosing a colour theme for her tree this year was hard, but in the end she went with traditional red and gold. A few new baubles. And a named one for her and one for Liam. And for Nugget too... Desdemona didn’t fit.

  The baby shop was exclusive and expensive, she could see that just from the window displays with beautiful hand-carved cots and no price tags. When she entered the well-dressed shop assistants greeted her with expectant smiles.

  ‘Just looking, thanks,’ she answered their questioning faces, and wondered whether she’d have been better walking past and on to the more affordable chain stores further down the road. But, oh, it was such an adorable place, decorated with luxury Christmas items—‘Baby’s First Christmas’ bibs, blankets, towels. Miniature stockings hung from a makeshift mantelpiece. She eyed a kit for a hand-sewn advent calendar and made a mental note to add it to her ever-growing list. That would all have to wait until next year. Nugget’s real first Christmas, and she’d make sure everything would be just perfect.

  No, this Christmas would be special too. She had the feeling that waddling around trying to feed an army would be too much for her this year, so it would be just her and Liam, if she could lure him away from that ER...for the first time in her adult life she’d have a quiet one. At the thought of just the two of them spending such a special day together she grew a little hot. She imagined waking up to a special Liam Christmas surprise...and her cheeks flushed.

  But where was he?

  Clearly, he’d been held up by some emergency or other, but soon she’d need to get back to work, so she headed for the exit.

  ‘Georgie? Hey, is that you, Georgie? Wow! Look at you. I had no idea...’ It was Kate and Mark Holland, hand in hand staring into the same shop window.

  ‘Kate?’ The woman looked a darned sight healthier than she’d looked before, when she’d been bloated and on bed rest and pretty damned miserable. ‘Lovely to see you. How are you doing?’

  Kate’s eyes twinkled. ‘Not as well as you, clearly. My goodness, this is a surprise. When are you due?’

  Georgie resisted running her hand over her now huge bump. ‘Eight more weeks, end of January. A summer baby. Believe me, I am not looking forward to waddling around in that humidity.’

  ‘Do you know the gender? What about names?’

  More things on her list. She’d been putting off talking to Liam ab
out names again, and when she’d jokingly mentioned it he’d ended up...well...it had been very nice indeed. ‘No, I don’t know the sex, I want it to be a surprise. And names are so hard to choose, don’t you think? Picking one’s hard enough, but a middle name too? That’s all kinds of heavy-duty responsibility. Imagine picking a name and them hating it for the rest of their lives.’

  ‘So you have some planning to do. I like the traditional ones myself. Make a list.’ Kate seemed genuinely pleased for her and wrapped her in a gentle hug. ‘Lucky you. I really am pleased.’

  Georgie told herself to get a grip as her throat filled with emotion for Kate. Her hormones were all over the place today. ‘I saw you’d booked into the clinic this afternoon—what’s the plan?’

  Her patient gripped her husband’s hand as they both smiled. ‘My mum’s given us some money for one more round, an early and very unexpected Christmas present. I can’t tell you how amazing that is. I just can’t give up. I just can’t.’

  ‘That’s great news. Really brilliant. I’ll keep everything crossed for you and we’ll do everything we can at the clinic.’ Georgie knew exactly how Kate felt and wondered just how hard she’d have fought to feel the way she felt right now. Hell, she’d have kept on fighting until she’d had no fight left. And then she’d have fought harder still. Nothing was as precious as this child, getting this child. Having this child. It was the first time that Georgie had ever sensed what it would be like to be part of a family. To belong. To love and be loved, unconditionally. And Liam fitted into that picture, too. No matter how much she tried not to, she couldn’t help but do some serious Christmas wishing on that account.

  ‘Thanks.’ Kate bit her lip and her eyes briefly fluttered closed. ‘I’m a bit worried, to be honest. I don’t want to have another major disaster like last time.’

  ‘Okay, so the first thing you have to do is stop worrying. That’s not going to help at all. We’ll start you on a lower dose of stimulation drugs this time and monitor you very closely. There’s nothing to say that you’ll have the same experience again. Really, try to relax, that’s the best thing you can do. I’ll see you later and we can talk more then.’

  ‘Okay. See you soon.’

  Georgie was about to leave when she felt a prickling along her neckline. Turning, she saw Liam approaching and felt the immediate rush of bright light whenever she saw him. ‘Hey. Did you forget the time?’

  ‘I’m so sorry. Just one thing after another today.’ He shook his head and pecked a kiss on her cheek. ‘Did I miss the shopping? Come on, let’s go. I’m starving.’

  ‘Me, too.’

  He grinned. ‘No surprises there. What’s in the bags?’

  She hid the bag of named baubles behind her back and grinned right back—he’d probably think she was just a sentimental old sook. ‘Not telling.’

  ‘Aw...come on.’ As he spoke his mobile phone went off. He shook his head in irritation, dragged his phone out of his pocket and looked at the display. ‘Look, I’ve got to get this.’

  ‘Who is it?’

  ‘Just MAI.’

  ‘The agency? Why? What do they want?’ She felt the colour drain from her face. He’d been home so long this time. Long nights she’d kept him to herself like a delicious secret, always knowing that this day might come but pretending that it wouldn’t. Convincing herself that it wouldn’t matter anyway, that she was on top of her feelings about him. She’d managed to leave herself enough space and hadn’t fallen for him so completely that his leaving would damage her.

  Besides, he didn’t have to go. The baby was due soon. He would turn them down. He would stay. ‘What do they want?’

  ‘No idea.’ He shrugged. ‘Sorry again. I won’t be long.’

  He turned a little away from her and she stared into the shop window, half looking at the too-expensive wares, half-listening to his side of the conversation. It would be fine. She would be fine. He wouldn’t run, she trusted that he wouldn’t go now, not when she needed him.

  ‘Hey. No worries. Where...? How long...? Why...? What do you need?’ Suddenly his voice went quiet and the bright light inside her went out.

  He stayed quiet for a few moments as he listened to the caller. Then he looked over and caught her eye. There was something about his tense expression that made her heart stumble. Guilt? Panic? He tried for a smile, but it was more regretful than reassuring. Then he closed his eyes, turned his back to her, shoulders hitched.

  Something was wrong.

  She strained to listen, but whether he was hiding the information from her or protecting her she didn’t know.

  She heard her name.

  She heard ‘pregnant’.

  She heard, ‘Yes, I’ll do it.’

  Then he stood stock-still.

  Something was wrong. Numbness crept through her. The only things she could feel were the fast, unsteady beat of her heart and the clench of her fists around the shopping bag handles.

  Something was wrong but, unlike her house, or the garden or the zillion things that had broken over the last few years, Liam wasn’t going to fix this.

  * * *

  Liam snapped the phone into his pocket and turned to face her, already understanding that she’d heard a little and assumed a lot. Things were careering out of control in every direction he turned. ‘I’m sorry. Again.’ It was inadequate, he knew, but it was heartfelt.

  ‘So you keep saying. What for? Being late for lunch or agreeing to whatever it was you just agreed to?’ Her eyes were dark, her cheeks hollowed. She knew him too well, Liam realised. He couldn’t hide things from her. ‘What did they want? No...more to the point, when are you leaving? Where are you going?’

  ‘Sudan. Tonight.’

  ‘They need you, right? There’s no one else? Absolutely no one else? Tell me they were desperate. You had no choice?’

  The pause he gave was too long. Long enough for her to read between the lines. They’d sort of asked and he’d sort of offered. And, yes, there were others who could have gone. He’d just fast-tracked himself to the top of the list.

  Things between them had got so complicated so quickly, he was thrashing around trying to make sense of it. But he couldn’t.

  Yes, he loved waking up with her. Yes, he loved spending time with her. Too much. It was all too much and he was starting to want things, to feel things he shouldn’t about the baby and about her. He was supposed to have kept his emotions out of all this and yet here they were washing through him. Guilt. Panic. Adoration. Need. Fear.

  And taking that risk was a step too far. He needed to get his head straight. To have time to think. Sudan was the perfect place. It wouldn’t be for ever, but it might just be enough to get things in order again, so he could be rational and stop these gut-wrenching emotions messing with his head. ‘Well...’

  He could hardly look at her, but he had to face her anger.

  Which was swift and fierce and almost tangible. He could see her starting to close down.

  She shook her head and strode past him. ‘Okay. So you’ve made your decision. I have to go to work. I’m going to be late.’

  Liam followed her down Queen Street towards her clinic, trying to keep up. The way she’d looked at him he could have sworn she’d wanted him to say something more. Something profound. But he wouldn’t lie to her, let her think one thing, believe something—want something—that he wasn’t sure he could give. Hell, she was hearts and flowers all the way and he was, in comparison, a lost cause. He shouldn’t have let things get to this point. ‘For a woman who’s seven months pregnant you can sure keep a good pace.’

  ‘That’s because I’m in a hurry. My clinic’s due to start and you’re making me late for my job. You’re not the only one with a strong work ethic.’ She was in front of him now, grumping over her shoulder. And watching her stalk ahead, all proud and indignant, made him want her more. Which gave him every reason why he should get that damn flight.

  ‘Georgie, we need to talk about this.’

&
nbsp; ‘Really? You think?’ She stopped outside the clinic. ‘When you’ve already made your decision? You jumped at the chance. No hesitation. I didn’t see much talking going on between us.’

  He followed her up the stairs and into a meeting room. He closed the door and went to sit opposite her across a table. The table was too big, the room too sterile.

  Her words echoed off the walls. ‘And you don’t know for how long. You never do. It could be months.’

  ‘Look, it’ll be okay. Everything will be fine. The deck’s almost finished, the garden just needs some final touches. Don’t do anything until I get back.’

  Those lifeless eyes regained a spark that flamed. ‘So this is your idea of being in it for ever? A lifetime commitment, and this is what you’re promising? You won’t be here geographically—and I can probably handle that. A lot of mothers have to deal with that. But...oh, this is unfair. I’m being unfair.’ She stood up. ‘I knew this all along, but—’

  ‘What? Say it... Say what you’re thinking.’ He reached across for her hand, but she pulled it away. She was closing down. ‘Talk to me, Georgie.’

  ‘What’s the point?’

  ‘It’s what we do. Talking.’

  ‘Not, it appears, about the important things. Not when it matters. You should have discussed it with me first. We should have decided.’ She took a deep breath and huffed it out. ‘You say you’re committed, that you want to work as a team, as a co-parent, but the moment they call, you jump. You choose. You can say no. You can stay here. There is a get-out clause. I do know.’

  It was important that he remain calm and let her anger bounce off him. ‘It’s my job, Georgie. I’ve been home for a long time.’ Home. That thought made Liam’s stomach clench— it was the first time he’d thought of anywhere as home. Georgie’s home. His heart swelled in pride at what they’d achieved at her house, but simultaneously he felt as if it was being slashed into pieces. ‘This will be the last time. I’ll make sure I resign completely after this.’

  ‘I’m sure that’s what they all say, and I’m sure they mean it too. Besides, I know why you do it, month after month, serving your penance to Lauren. I get that. I wouldn’t ask you to give it up. But now? Right now? When you have a choice and you chose them. You chose them. Unbelievable.’ She began to pace the room, glancing every few seconds at the clock. Which ticked away the minutes sonorously, ominously, like a sentinel counting down.