Confessions

by Amber Stephens

  ‘What was that?’ I panted, when it was finally all over.

  ‘That was your Chakra,’ Mand said. ‘Learnt about it in India.’

  ‘Did you now?’ I asked, ‘what else did you …’ but she cut me off.

  ‘Let’s not talk about what we’ve done before. We’re starting from scratch, yeah?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah.’

  Anyway, that’s when I knew I was definitely in love.

  Chapter Ten

  When college finished, Amanda and I moved to Manchester together. This was in the boom during the late 80s and we both got jobs straightaway, good money too. I worked for financial services, Mand was in white goods. We rented a small terrace east of the city centre and before I knew it we’d been together a year. The longest relationship I’d had before that was about three weeks. You can see why I thought this was different. I’d been such an idiot thinking all that stuff about men being hunters, of course that was what little boys think. When you grow up you realise that you’re supposed to pick one woman and stay with her forever, don’t you?

  My mates were discovering the same thing, seemed like there were weddings every weekend and after Mand caught her third bouquet I figured I’d better get on with it. We were married in a little church in Bournemouth, where Mand comes from. We honeymooned in Barbados – told you the money was good – and when we got back we bought a huge modern apartment in the centre of Manchester. Mand was doing well for herself and I made a move into sales where there was more money. I did a brokering course in the evenings to get my qualifications.

  Anyway, everything was fine for a couple of years. I sometimes watched girls go by, with short skirts and low-cut tops, and I’d think about the old times, but then I’d think about Amanda, and what she could do to me and I’d think, why go out for hamburger when you can have steak at home?

  Then Amanda announced she was pregnant. I was over the moon. ‘Can we still have sex?’ I asked

  ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘It’s recommended during pregnancy, as long as you’re not too rough. In fact, my libido will probably be increased, plus no periods.’

  So we had to cut out swinging from the chandeliers, but we did everything else. When she got big, she liked to rest her bump on a pillow while she lay on her side. I’d enter her from behind and reach around so I could rub her clit. I found I could make her come over and over again by doing that.

  If she took it easy, she could go on top as well, if she went reverse cowboy she could support herself with her arms while I thrust up into her and stuck a couple of fingers up her arse, looking for that damn Chakra.

  ‘I love you, Will,’ she’d say, as she came.

  ‘I love you Mand,’ I reply. And I did. I loved her more than anything in this world.

  But when Jamie came along, things changed a bit. Now I love my son. I’ll do anything for him. It’s for him as much as for Mand that I’m here today. But by God that kid could scream. Hours and hours every day. Always something wrong with him. First colic, then teeth, then ear infections, then chickenpox. I spent half my life in the waiting room at the clinic, listening to the little bugger scream at some poor doctor who hadn’t warmed her stethoscope enough. Mand was exhausted. And of course that was the end of the sex for a long, long time. Even when things calmed down a bit, she didn’t seem interested.

  Home wasn’t fun and now Mand wasn’t working we needed extra money so I started working longer hours, trying to get my commissions up. It was around then that we got this new junior dealer. Young girl by the name of Jenny. She was tiny, blonde with perky boobs she didn’t mind showing off. Confident and smart too. I liked her straight away. She made me laugh, whereas Mand just moaned at me as soon as I walked through the door. I went for a drink with Jen and told her how bad things were at home. I’d had a bit too much to drink and as we said goodbye I leaned in and kissed her on the lips. She seemed surprised but she didn’t scream, just smiled in a thoughtful way and walked off.

  Well, to cut a long story short, the next day Jen came into my room and closed the door.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘About last night. I didn’t mean to kiss you, I was just emotional.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mind.’ She kept looking at me.

  ‘What?’ I said.

  Then she shut the door, closed the Venetian blinds and walked around to my side of the desk. She stood over me, with a faint smile on her face, and then leant over to whisper in my ear.

  ‘I think you and I are the same,’ she said.

  ‘How’s that?’ I asked. I could smell her perfume. It was something I’d smelt before, on some girl’s pillow years ago. I couldn’t remember the girl, but I remembered what I did with her. My cock shifted in my trousers at the memory.

  ‘I think we’re both hunters,’ she said. ‘We both see what we want, and then we go and get it.’

  I shrugged, ‘All good brokers have that quality,’ I replied. ‘Anyone who wants to be successful in business needs to be able to focus on their goal.’

  ‘I’m not talking about business,’ she said. ‘As you know full well.’ Then she slipped a soft hand inside my shirt and kissed my ear. I tried not to turn my head.

  She nibbled my earlobe and stroked my chest. I wanted her so much. I hadn’t had sex in weeks, longer than I’d ever gone since I first lost my cherry. She was beautiful. Smooth, pale skin, dead-straight blonde hair pulled back in a cute little ponytail. Icy-blue eyes. Amanda on her best day was betterlooking. But Amanda’s best days were behind her. Steak she might have been, but sometimes what you really feel like is a nice, juicy hamburger.

  I turned my head and she kissed me, biting my bottom lip. She took her hand out of my shirt and wrapped her arms behind my head, pulling me towards her as our kiss became more urgent. She had a wicked little tongue, fencing with mine and trying to get itself down my throat. Then, without breaking the kiss, she swung a leg across me and sat astride me, her skirt riding up, showing her little panties. She never stopped kissing me but managed somehow to unbutton my shirt and take it off. Then finally she stopped kissing my mouth and moved to my nipples. I lay back in the chair, trying not to think of my little family at home. There was no going back though. If she’d stopped and tried to walk out at that point I think I would have forced myself on her, I was that worked up.

  I placed my hand on her narrow waist and ran it up to her right breast. I, along with all the other men in the office, had been dreaming about these breasts since they’d arrived in the office, and I felt a brief pang of regret that I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone I’d been first to touch them. Or maybe I wasn’t the first. It didn’t matter.

  Her shirt felt too tight so I started fumbling with the buttons. I made a mess of it though and she just leant back and ripped the front open, firing buttons across my office and exposing her white cotton bra. She reached behind and unclipped it, exposing her small, perfect tits, nipples pink and erect. I leaned forward and took one in my mouth, sweet as a peach. She held my head against her and rocked as I suckled, stroking her back.

  Then she stood up and took her skirt off.

  ‘Those, off!’ she said, pointing to my trousers. I obliged, and then removed my boxers, releasing my cock, by now stiff as a statue.

  She stuck a hand down her knickers and felt herself to see how wet she was. Then she smiled, turned around and leant over the table, turning her head back to watch me approach. ‘Leave the panties on,’ she said.

  I came up behind her and stroked my hands across her narrow hips. She had almost a boy’s body, apart from the tits of course, and her pert, round little arse. I hooked a thumb inside the elastic and pulled the crotch aside, exposing her peach-fuzzed pussy lips. She sighed as I used my fingers to part her lips gently and I rubbed my cock head up and down between them. She was certainly moist enough. I positioned myself carefully, then grabbed hold of one of her shoulders and yanked her back onto me. She let out a low, guttural moan, like she’d been w
aiting for this as long as I had. Maybe she had. I felt like I was so big I was going to split her in half, though I’m not bragging ladies. I’m average size, nothing more, but I felt enormous that day, like I was expanding in her, like every last drop of blood in my veins was thrusting into that cock shaft just as I was thrusting into her.

  I took hold of her ponytail and pulled her head back. She loved that. With my other hand I reached around and could just get my fingertips to her clit. I tickled it as I fucked her hard from behind and she came just a little before me. I fired my load into her, out of my mind with the intense pleasure as I kept pounding away into her slippery pussy.

  Afterwards she slipped her skirt back on but finally took the panties off and left them in my top drawer.

  I showered in the office gym and went home to my wife and child. I dealt with the guilt by ignoring it, putting it out of my head. I told myself that what happened at work, stayed at work. It was part of my male life, the hunting part. I didn’t need to bore Amanda with the details of what I got up to at work. I just needed to bring the bread home.

  At first Jenny and I just saw each other at work. I’d work late two or three nights a week, and if she was around she’d pop into my office and we’d fuck. Sometimes on the desk, sometimes under the desk, sometimes both. But soon enough we got bored with this: what’s the point of having an affair if you’re just going to get into a rut like at home?

  We arranged to go off on trips together and we’d have marathon sex sessions in the hotel in between meetings. Conferences I liked the best. Mand was invited to come sometimes but I never told her that. Why take sand to the beach? We had to hide the affair from everyone else of course, so we’d be sneaking around the conference centres late at night trying not to be seen by a senior manager. It was part of the fun.

  Mand never suspected anything. Jamie had settled down and things were starting to improve at home. Speaking for myself I reckoned I was happier and more relaxed at home on account of getting a regular shag at work. I didn’t pester Mand for sex so much, so things were easier between us. Mand started to come across once or twice a week, so I was getting some most nights in the week and was pretty happy.

  Then one night it all went tits up. Funny thing really. We’d just landed a big deal, and we went out to celebrate. Loads of us had been working on it, including Jenny, so we all went to a local bar and got wasted on champagne. Someone suggested we hit a strip joint. Jen was the only woman, but she seemed up for it, so we went along.

  Problem started when one of the dancers came over to me and asked if I wanted a lap-dance. Of course I said yes and gave her a twenty. She was a lovely bit of crumpet, I tell you. Her name was Jackie. Beautiful tits. Anyway, as soon as she started I could tell Jen didn’t like it. The boys loved it of course, whooping and cheering. They didn’t notice Jen sitting in the corner, giving me evils.

  Jackie knew her stuff. She ground down on me with her pelvis and stroked her nipples across my lips. She leant back to give me a view and every time she shifted position, her hand seemed, just accidentally, to brush against the swelling in my trousers.

  To be honest, I was a bit annoyed at Jen’s attitude. I was drunk, we were having fun. Why couldn’t I have a bit of a laugh with a stripper? It wasn’t as if Jenny had the moral high ground, shagging a married man, and I’d never assumed the two of us were supposed to be faithful to one another. I had a wife, for God’s sake.

  Anyway, when Jackie invited me into the back room, I said yes, when normally I wouldn’t have. I wanted to teach Jenny a lesson, but also, I wanted to milk the jealousy a little. I liked it. What man wouldn’t want a cute little blonde like her to be jealous of another woman?

  So I went in the back room with this girl, while the boys chanted ‘Trewin! Trewin!’ behind me. Now I thought I was pretty experienced with women, but that Jackie taught me a thing or two. Girls in strip joints make most of their money by bringing blokes back to private rooms and doing private dances for them. Sometimes they’ll agree to do other things too, depending on the club and the girl. The key is for them to keep you there as long as possible. If a quarter-hour costs £50, then if they keep you there for longer you’ll have to pay for the full half an hour.

  Well, Jackie certainly kept me there for the full half hour. It didn’t bother me; I was putting it all on my company credit card. I’d claim on expenses and Mand would never see the bill. Jackie danced slowly, and languidly. She moved so gracefully, like a properly trained dancer. And her body was incredible, well-muscled and toned, almost feline. She stalked around the room, coming back from time to time to sit astride me, or to make out like she was going to blow me before moving off again.

  Eventually she got on top and bore down on the ridge in my trousers. She was wearing just a tiny little G-string. She grabbed my hands and put them on her breasts. I was incredibly turned on. She stared into my eyes, her nostrils flaring as she reached down and undid my trousers with one hand. She raised an eyebrow and I nodded. Then I felt her hand on my cock.

  I thought that I’d go off in her hand straight away, but she was an expert, she kept me going without quite letting me finish.

  ‘What’s your name?’ she asked.

  ‘Will.’

  ‘Do you like me, Will?’ she asked.

  I nodded.

  ‘Do you like what I’m doing to you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, my voice cracking.

  ‘Do you like it when I dance for you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you like the sensation of my fingers dancing on your cock?’

  ‘I do,’ I groaned.

  ‘Would you like to come now?’

  I nodded ‘Yes, yes!’

  I thrust my hips upwards to meet her hand and gripped the chair arms as I exploded. It seemed to last for ever. She had a tissue handy to collect the fluid.

  She continued stroking me off, gently, looking me straight in the eye as I juddered and shook. Eventually I had to grab hold of her wrist to stop her.

  ‘That was amazing,’ I said.

  ‘See you next time,’ Jackie replied and disappeared through a side door. I went back to join my mates, accompanied by a round of applause. Jenny was gone.

  And that was that between Jen and me. The next day she sent me an e-mail, saying ‘It’s been fun but I’m seeing someone else now and think we should end it.’ I don’t think she was seeing anyone else but she could see I wasn’t someone she should get too close to.

  I missed her, but in a way I didn’t mind so much. If I was going to have affairs I wanted them to be casual, meaningless things, not substitute marriages. I was just glad I’d got out of it without any tearful scenes and revenge attacks. I only had one wife. I decided to take Mand away on a weekend to Paris; probably I felt guilty deep down and wanted to make amends.

  But when I got home that night, the house was silent. On the kitchen table were two pieces of paper. A note from Mand telling me she’d gone to her mother’s. The second was a printout of a picture that looked like it had been taken by a mobile phone. The picture was of me naked and asleep, with Jen lying next to me holding my cock in one hand. The devious little bitch had taken this picture at one of the conferences, maybe to use as blackmail, maybe just to screw me over when I ended it. No warning, no screaming matches, no begging. Just a Fuck You, Will. A spiteful gesture of hate.

  Jen was wrong about one thing; she and I were not the same. She was too emotional to be a hunter. Women get too involved. Only men can separate home and work properly. She’d told me she didn’t expect me to leave Mand for her and didn’t want me to. Her words were, ‘A man who marries his mistress is creating a job vacancy.’ So why she felt she had to ruin my life I don’t know. But that’s women for you, who knows why they do the things they do?

  Amanda was gutted. She’d never suspected a thing. I don’t think I’d realised before then how much she loved me. How much she had loved me. Maybe I’d never really believed she felt that way about me, even after
what happened the day Jules died. I never forgot how I felt that day when I first saw her, and asked her out. I felt low, rejected. I didn’t like that. Maybe a shrink would tell me I was angry at Mand for what she did to me, that the affair was a way of punishing her. But I don’t think so; I understand that my cheating is about something in me, not what anyone else has done.

  Anyway, Mand did forgive me eventually, Lord knows why. I’d like to think not just because she wanted Jamie to be with both of us, but because she still loved me. I don’t know for sure. We slowly rebuilt our life together, went to counselling and things seemed to be getting back to normal. Problem was, she wasn’t coming over in bed. I was frustrated. I couldn’t think of anything but sex. I didn’t want to push it with her, but I was desperate.

  Then I ran into Debbie one day just outside my office building. Debs was a girl I used to see at college, before I met Mand. Thing about Debs was that she was a friend, rather than a girlfriend, or a one-night stand. We had a right laugh me and her, and we did used to sleep together sometimes. Bed-pals, we used to call ourselves, though I guess the other term is fuck-buddies.

  I didn’t have time to talk right then, so we arranged to meet for lunch. As soon as we sat down and ordered I realised I was in trouble. She looked fantastic, had filled out a little bit maybe, but she looked good with it. She was looking back at me, eyes twinkling a bit mischievously like they’d used to before she suggested we pop back to hers. I didn’t want to hurt Mand again, but I was so horny, and I knew I could count on Debs not to say anything. It was a safe bet. If you ask a hundred men whether they’d have an affair, maybe ten of them would say yes. If you asked a hundred men whether they’d have an affair if it was cast-iron they’d never get caught. Ninety of them would say yes.

  So I called the office and told them I’d got an important sales lead and wouldn’t be back in. Debs and I checked into the Hilton. I remember lying in the bath with a glass, both full of bubbles, when Debs walked in, naked and stepped in to join me. I felt her feet slide up inside my legs and her toes tickled my cock. Then she slipped one foot under and gently worked the toes between my arse cheeks. I smiled at her, she was always a wicked one and it looked like she’d learned a few things since I saw her last. She wriggled and shifted her big toe and eventually got it into my hole. It felt weird, different and exciting cos it was a bit wrong. It was the sort of thing Mand never did these days. Something I didn’t expect her to do, anymore.