Margins and Murmurations

by Otter Lieffe

  Harvest Day was officially postponed until the following night. No-one felt like celebrating while there was still smoke in Central Square. The Sett was alive with speculation and fear. If the fire was an accident, who could have been so careless? If it wasn't, then something very serious was happening. The Sett itself might be in danger. People were frantic, meeting after meeting was called through the night.

  “E? E?”

  “What, what…?”

  It was Elias' neighbour from the next boat along. He was shaking him awake.

  “You fell asleep, mate.”

  Elias looked around at the faces gathered around him. He had dozed off in a meeting.

  “Go to bed already,” said his neighbour softly. “We're not even nearly finished and we'll still need teachers in the morning.”

  “Okay, thanks—”

  “Rest well, E.”

  “Night.”

  Elias dragged himself back to his warm little boat and was asleep within seconds.

  He slept fitfully that night. He dreamed of a fire that could not be extinguished. An unbearable heat that threatened to consume the world. He fought and ran, but there was nowhere to escape. He woke just before dawn, covered in sweat, his heart pounding in his chest.

  * * *

  The sun appeared over the trees just as the shoal arrived at the edge of the forest.

  “My God,” said Pinar.

  Ash was silent. It was even worse than she'd expected.

  They stood at the boundary between two worlds, behind them the forest, dry as it was, still alive with trees and deer, squirrels and nettles. Ahead, spreading out as far as they could see was only charred soil, felled trees, the total destruction of the Ring.

  Vicki came over.

  “It's not pretty, is it?” she said. “We made good time so we're going to set up camp down in one of the arroyos—the dry river valleys—and get some sleep. You two must be exhausted.”

  “We're pretty used to walking,” said Pinar more cheerfully than she felt. “But sleep does sound good. Show us the way!”

  Although Pinar was showing a brave face, reaching the Ring marked the end of four tortuous days and nights for her. Since the moment she'd found out about Jason's abduction, she'd been racked with guilt, with self-doubt, but most of all with fury at those who had penetrated their sanctuary and taken away someone already so dear to her. I've only just met him, but I already miss his smile. How is that even possible?

  If she was honest, she thought about Jason, and the others like him, constantly. The walk, first to the camp and now to the Ring, had been hard going and that at least had kept Pinar focused and able to hold it all together.

  As she helped Ash set up their little tent, she had the impression that her feelings could burst from her chest at any moment. She wanted to scream and cry and let it all out. Instead, as she always did, she smiled. She smiled and hid her pain and carefully unrolled their sleeping mats.

  * * *

  Danny was in a meeting again.

  Sometimes it feels like all I do is go to meetings, work, and sleep.

  This morning, though, he was glad to be there—despite his hangover. After two failed attempts to bring his news to the mesa, he was finally at the front of the agenda. As usual, he sat next to Kit. The warehouse was packed.

  “Good morning everyone,” said the facilitator cheerfully. “Thanks for getting here so early. I've been asked to keep the meeting focused today after our small tangent yesterday.”

  Danny gave Kit a smile, but she didn't see it. She was thinking about Nathalie.

  I wish she had her clearance already. I want to see her in meetings, to see how she is with other people, learn what else she can bring to the resistance. She’s so shy, insecure…almost like my clients. And she worships me like they do. But I’m not sure if I want that. Maybe I want her to stand up for herself more. Maybe I want—

  She realised the facilitator was still speaking.

  “First on the agenda, postponed from last night, is Danny with some interesting intel.”

  Despite the fact that he performed for an audience every night at the bar, Danny hated public speaking. He was wearing a tight white t-shirt and, without looking, he knew he was sweating under his armpits. He stood up and cleared his throat several times.

  “Ahem. So yeah, hi everyone.”

  “Hi Danny,” teased Kit.

  “Yes, hi Kit. Ahem. Well, basically, it's this, one of my clients—he calls himself Y, but I doubt it's his real name—works for Life Accounts. He's an engineer of some kind and erm…under some very specific conditions, he told me that there was an electric surge last month which has left most of the State servers fried to hell. Since then, the Life Accounts system—basically the entire State economy—is being managed from a single warehouse of computers.”

  He looked around the room, people looked both surprised and intrigued.

  “We all know the protocol—obviously he could have been lying and as usual we'll need to check everything,” he continued. “But anyway, he said that more parts are being brought in from outside the City, but that'll take a week or two which means that for the next week at least, if he was telling the truth, then the State's vulnerable. If we're thinking of attempting some kind of large-scale action, at the prisons for example, this is the time.”

  “Thanks for that, Danny,” said the facilitator. “We'll need to verify the intel, but this sounds very exciting. Okay, next on the agenda…”

  Danny sat down; his hands were shaking.

  “Why didn't you tell me about all this before?” Kit signed to him. “This is really big news!”

  “Well,” he replied. “I did try.”

  Chapter thirty-eight

  Ash and Pinar managed to sleep for about six hours before the heat became unbearable. Pinar climbed out of the tent looking dishevelled, her long hair in knots. Ash tried to hide from the morning a bit longer, her head stuffed under a blanket. The camp was already wide awake.

  “Morning,” said Vicki, cheerfully. She was sat by a small fire stirring a pot. Pinar hadn't noticed before how beautiful she was. Her brown eyes sparkled in the sunlight.

  “Hey,” replied Pinar, she smiled and came over to sit next to her.

  “Did you sleep okay?”

  “I think Ash's still sleeping,” Pinar signed. “Let's sign. What are you cooking?”

  “Porridge. Or something like porridge. It's kind of goop really.”

  Vicki signed an unfamiliar word for goop. It looked like she might have just invented it.

  “Can I help?”

  “Please do. I hate cooking and I should go prepare for the morning meeting.”

  “Let me take over then and I'll call when it's ready.”

  “Perfect, thank you.”

  Finally, after another half hour, Ash emerged from the tent. Her beard had reached the scratchy phase again so after breakfast she went off to a private spot in the woods to shave.

  When she came back, the shoal were gathered in a circle for morning meeting. Ash saw Pinar was already engaged and she silently sat down next to her. Someone she didn't know yet was speaking.

  “We'll cross the Ring tonight, enter the tunnels and—all things being well—we'll be in the City by tomorrow morning. We'll rendez-vous with the City resistance and see where things stand.”

  Pinar spoke next. “If it's a good time, I'd like to discuss what will happen when we get there, how we're planning to support the prisoners and protect the forest communities.”

  “Good idea,” said the first speaker. “Let's move onto that…”

  Pretty soon, Ash drifted off into her thoughts. She knew that Pinar found all this analysis gave her somewhere to put her energy and helped her to focus, but Ash found it exhausting. After an hour, she excused herself and went to sit alone with the forest plants.

  She found herself filled with familiar doubts. Strategies, tactics, political analysi
s, direct action. It all seemed crucially important and yet Ash had never felt a part of it. Her brain just didn't work that way.

  She never had the feeling she had useful things to say, or a good idea of the big picture. Back during the urban uprising against the State, this doubting had been her undoing. She had felt like she could never do enough, never knew enough, never be enough. She had been a shadow of herself, trying to fit in where she didn't belong. She and Pinar had become leaders—the mythical ‘A and P’ of the Femme Riots, leading protest after protest and uniting coalitions. Together, they practically founded the resistance, and all along, Ash had been secretly dying inside.

  A group of long-tailed tits flew overhead, their contact calls resonating through the trees as they made their way through the forest. Ash couldn't help but smile.

  Those years were past her. Out here, she had found her niche. She knew who she was—a part of this place, this wildness which embraced her complexity and love and returned it without condition.

  The same wildness, she realised, that they would soon be leaving, perhaps forever. Panic welled up inside her when she thought about the City and threatened to overwhelm her. She put her hands on the ground and swallowed it all down.

  Sometimes it isn't actual death and violence that holds us back, she reminded herself, but the threat and fear of those things. That's how they control us. That's how they stop us from fighting back.

  This is no time to panic, Pin needs me.

  Chapter thirty-nine

  Sun streamed in through the high windows of the squatted warehouse. Inside, Kit's students were already gathered for self-defence class.

  “Hi everyone, thanks for coming.” Kit had spent more time than usual in front of the mirror this morning. Her hair was boldly pinned on one side and she wore the dark purple lipstick she kept for special occasions. She was wearing the highest pair of heels she owned. She wore heels even in self-defence class—especially in self-defence class—and considering how the last lesson had ended, she wanted her students to see her at her best.

  “Great to see so many of you here.”

  This must be every student I've ever taught. Nothing like a bust up in a meeting to boost numbers.

  “Today we're going to be practising a few different techniques in preparation for a street roleplay which will involve several aggressors against one defender on the ground.”

  A few of the students looked excited, a few looked nervous.

  “Of course, like all roleplays, this might bring things up for people and it's absolutely okay to opt out at any point and you don't owe anyone an explanation. If you can though, I'd ask that you check in with me quickly before you leave the space. I just like to know that everyone's okay.”

  Nathalie watched Kit with admiration. She loved seeing her taking a powerful position, controlling the room. She imagined submitting to her, being under those heels, following her every command. She played with her hair unconsciously, twirling it around a finger back and forth.

  It must be love if I’m willing to join these people. A resistance den is the last place I ever thought I’d end up.

  Kit stood abruptly. “Get into pairs and let's get warmed up.”

  Nathalie silently obeyed and quickly found a partner. As they went through the compulsory check-in and began their warm up exercises, she looked discretely over her shoulder to check if Kit was watching her. She wasn’t: she was talking to one of her students. Nathalie felt a rush of envy.

  Pay attention, Kit, she thought to herself. I’m only here for you, you know? I would do anything for you, go to any class, serve any amount of slop to these resistance idiots. But you could at least notice me.

  Ten minutes later after warm up was complete, still focussed completely on her teaching, Kit began the class.

  “Ok everyone, let’s start the roleplay…”

  * * *

  Ash was back in The City and she was terrified.

  She was in the street and she saw herself, her body hidden by baggy, dark clothes, her hair short, her gestures understated, her hips frozen.

  It was nineteen years ago, but she was back there, reliving every second; a frightened shadow who could only watch and remember.

  “There he is!”

  The shout came from the other side of the street and both Ash and her shadow looked up in fear.

  The gang came then, the regular people overcome by mob adrenalin. The shadow from the future watched on as Ash's body was thrown to the concrete, as her disguise was torn away despite her screams, as her tiny, red nightdress was revealed to the world.

  * * *

  “…Now using all the techniques we've practised today, the defender's role is to get off the ground and get away from the group as quickly as possible.

  You have the right to protect yourself and you have the right to get out of this. I'll demonstrate first…”

  * * *

  “Fucking tranny!”

  Ash still clung to her nightdress. She remembered its every detail perfectly. It had been her one magical garment and she had worn it every day, underneath her guy's clothes, close to her breasts and hips to keep her connected with who she really was. And now she watched on as this tiny piece of silk—and with it, her identity—was violently exposed to the sky.

  * * *

  “…Working on the assumption that it's too late to avoid this conflict and that the aggressors are beyond reasoning, my only responsibility now is to my own safety. To get free and get away by whatever means possible…"

  * * *

  Ash from the future watched on. She tried to look away but she could still hear her own screams as her body, two decades in the past, was exposed to the kicks and slaps of the angry mob. Gobs of spit rained down as her past-self curled into a tight ball, her only thought to protect the shreds of her precious, silk dress.

  Finally, mercifully, the scene began to fade.

  * * *

  “…In this situation, the defender's body will be filled with adrenalin, poised for the flight or fight response. The hardest and most important thing is to use this for our own advantage, to strike out against our attackers, to keep our voice strong…”

  * * *

  “Hon, are you okay? You looked far away…”

  Ash tried to focus on the face in front of her.

  Pin, my darling Pinar.

  “Were you…? Is everything alright?”

  Ash was sat a hundred metres away from camp, her face was wet with tears.

  “I'm perfect!” she snapped, standing abruptly; her heart racing, her body still filled with the chemicals of fear. “Everything's just perfect!”

  “I'm sorry, I just…”

  “Well sorry doesn't help me, does it? You'll never understand what I go through—how could you? How nice to be you. How nice just to forget!”

  Ash stormed off into the forest leaving Pinar alone, shocked and hurt.

  Chapter forty

  An hour later Ash reappeared. She looked calmer, but her eyes were bloodshot from crying.

  “I'm sorry…” she said, sitting near to where Pinar was preparing dinner. Her friend didn't respond at first. She was cutting vegetables loudly on a chopping board, the knife moving fast and steady. “Let's talk later. I'm not ready yet.”

  Ash stood up to leave.

  “Sit down,” Pinar said abruptly, changing her mind.

  Ash obediently sat back down.

  “It's…fine.” Pinar continued chopping. “Apology accepted. Let's face it, it's not the first time you've shouted at me.”

  “Sorry…” repeated Ash, weakly. She sat quietly for a moment and watched as a group of sparrows chased each other across the forest floor, chittering loudly as they went. A quarrel, she thought to herself, a group of sparrows is called a quarrel.

  “When were you?” asked Pinar. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Maybe later.”

  “When you need to, I'm here.�
� Pinar picked up another knife and handed it to her friend. “Want to help with dinner? We're leaving in about four hours and we should really get some sleep before we head out.”

  “Sure thing.”

  * * *

  After they ate dinner and Pinar was finished with yet another planning meeting, she climbed into their small tent. Ash was already curled up on her mat.

  “Are you awake?”

  “Yeah…sort of. How was your meeting?”

  “Good, I'm getting a better sense of it all. There's a lot of the recent repression that I didn't even hear about. I've been pretty disconnected I guess.”

  “I miss being disconnected…” Ash mumbled still curled up and hidden in her thin blanket.

  “You're scared of going back to the City, aren't you? Scared of what you'll find there? Talk to me, I want to be there for you.”

  “I'm not sure I can yet, but thanks.”

  Ash rolled onto her back. As she often did when she was nervous, she gently took a handful of Pinar's long hair and curled it up in her fingers, teasing out the knots. It was something she'd always done with her own hair before middle-age hormones had kicked in and she'd starting balding. Pinar loved the gentle pulling on her hair and was happy to share.

  “I don't know, Pin. Some of it's practical, you know? I'm going to have to wear my…guy's stuff again.” Ash cast a glance to where her backpack was stuffed into a corner of the tent. “It's been a long time—I'm not sure I'll even fit. And you know, I'm not sure what use I'll be when we get there. What can I do in the City?”

  “It's a huge deal that you're taking care of me, hon. And the others. I know you know that, but please don't forget it. It's everything to me.”

  “Thanks.”

  Ash rolled over again and curled up small. Pinar curled up with her and wrapped her up in her long arms.