by Jean Carroll
“Blackie, she wanted me to tell you that she’s not leaving you, she just needed to think. She said she loves you,” Keary told him. Blackie just nodded, looking into his coffee.
“I guess I’m going back into rehab, huh?” he said.
“Yes, I’ve already made arrangements. Dr. Wahlman wants you in his hospital, so he can take over your treatment. We’re going right from the airport,” Keary said.
Blackie nodded. He looked around and noticed the mess in the dining room.
“What happened in the dining room?”
No one said anything. He frowned and said again, “What happened in the dining room?”
Finally, Ken said, “You happened.”
“What?” Blackie went in and looked at the mess. He stood there with his hands in his pockets, wide-eyed. Maeve came up and stood next to him.
“Mom, I can’t believe I did this. I’m so sorry.”
“It took a lot of anger to do this. You have to get rid of that anger or it will kill you,” she said.
“All your priceless antiques,” he said shaking his head.
“Blackie, you and our family are the only things in my life that are priceless.”
He looked at her and hugged her tight. They both went back and sat down.
“Keary, I hate to ask you but can you get a crew to come in here and clean that up and fix whatever can be fixed? I’ll pay for it.”
“Sure. Are you about ready to get going?”
“We have to leave now? How long am I going to be in there?”
“Yes, we’re meeting Dr. Wahlman at the airport and you’ll be in there as long as it takes, buddy,” Keary said putting his arm around Blackie.
“It’s going to be hard being away from Meg but I guess I need to get used to it.”
“Hey, stop it. She’s not leaving you. Just concentrate on getting well. You can’t do this anymore. This time was too close,” Keary said.
“I know. I’m scared, Keary. What if I can’t do it? I thought I had it under control. Oh, where’s the ring?” he asked.
“Maeve put it in the safe. You want me to take it with us and put it in the safe at home?” Keary said.
“Yes, please. Okay, let’s do this.”
Blackie hugged his parents, then he, Sean and Keary left for the airport.
FORTY-THREE
Blackie was already in the hospital for a month. Keary said he was doing okay but not great. Meg missed him so bad she could barely stand it, so she threw herself into work and riding. She worked hard at keeping busy but it didn’t help much. If she was able to talk to him or visit, it might have been better but that was against the rules. At first, she stayed up at the house with Jill and Keary, but soon moved into his apartment. Somehow, she felt closer. It smelled like him and his clothes were there.
One afternoon, after finishing her riding, she walked up to the house to visit with Jill. They were so close now. It helped listening to Jill talk about Blackie and their childhood.
“Meg, what a welcome visit. I was just thinking about you. Have a seat and I’ll get you tea,” Jill said with a smile.
“Hi, yourself,” Meg said as she sat down and took the tea from Jill. “I hope I’m not bugging you too much, always hanging around.”
“Of course not, it actually helps me a lot because I miss Blackie so much.”
“I was just thinking the same thing about you,” Meg laughed. “Any news?”
“Yes, actually, we can go visit. Keary and Sean are there now and we can go tomorrow if you want,” she said.
“Oh, tomorrow, wow, that would be great. Does he want visitors?”
“Let’s wait and see what Keary and Sean have to say.”
They talked and she helped Jill put out the dinner buffet. In a few minutes, Keary and Sean walked in. Keary kissed Jill and said hello to Meg. They got food and sat down.
“How’s Blackie?” Jill asked.
Keary sighed big. “I think he’s doing well. Dr. Wahlman wasn’t there so we didn’t get to talk to him. Blackie’s lost weight, so you’ll be shocked when you see him. He seems nervous. He wouldn’t sit with us at first; just paced. Finally, he started to relax and sat down. He said to tell Jill hello and then asked if you were still around, Meg. I told him you were here but I don’t think he believed it. He thought his treatment was going well, but didn’t want to talk about it. He seemed sad and easily spooked.”
“What do you mean spooked?” Meg asked.
“When you’re talking to him, he looks like he’s going to jump up and leave any minute. He did get up a couple times. I don’t know if they’re giving him meds, but he looks like it. Are you guys going tomorrow?” Keary asked.
“You sure he’ll want to see us?” Meg asked suddenly apprehensive about seeing him.
“He might act nervous but I’m sure he’ll love seeing you,” Keary said.
* * *
Jill and Meg got to the hospital around ten in the morning. They sat in the visitor’s area at a small table. Meg kept fidgeting, so Jill took her hand and held it.
“Don’t worry, honey, it’ll be okay. He’s still the same person you fell in love with.
Just then, Blackie walked into the room. Meg gasped because he looked bad. He had lost weight and his face was gaunt. He had on a pajama top, jeans and socks. When he saw them, he stopped and jammed his hands into his jeans. He turned around a couple times, as if he might leave, then stood and stared at them again.
Jill and Meg both smiled and waved. He gave a half-hearted little wave and finally walked over and sat down.
“Hi,” he said quietly.
“Hi, honey.” Jill said.
“Hi, Blackie, it’s good to see you. I’ve missed you,” Meg said trying to keep her voice from shaking.
“Me, too,” he said quietly, not looking at her.
To keep the conversation going, the women chattered away about the horses and the farm. He didn’t say anything. He seemed to relax and put his hands on the table. Meg wanted to touch him so bad, she reached over quickly and put her hands over his but he pulled away and stuffed them back in his pockets.
Damn, why did I do that, she thought, it was too soon.
Anyway, in a minute he put his hands back on the table and moved them a little closer. Slowly she moved a hand over and put it on his. He didn’t move them this time. Gently he put one hand on hers and traced it with his fingertips. It was all she could do to keep from crying. Jill had tears in her eyes. They sat there for a long time holding hands.
“I love you, Blackie,” she said quietly.
“I love you too,” he said barely above a whisper, then got up suddenly and walked out. Jill and Meg burst into tears.
* * *
Nine weeks later, Keary and Sean were visiting Blackie again. They were sitting there when he walked in now looking wonderful. He shook hands with a big smile.
“Hey, man, you look great.” Sean told him. “How’s it going?”
“Good, I’m happy with how I’m feeling. Dr. Wahlman said I can go home in a couple weeks.”
“Great, that’s fantastic. The girls are going to be so happy,” Keary told him.
“Uh ... what’s Meg doing?” Blackie asked tentatively.
“Hey, man, the woman’s moved into your apartment. She’s got girlie crap everywhere,” Sean laughed.
“She did?” Blackie said, wide-eyed.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Keary said.
“No, that’s great, I love it,” Blackie said smiling. “What made her do that?”
“At first she was staying in the house and then she started staying in your apartment. Then last week she sold her condo, furniture and just moved her clothes and stuff in.” Keary told him.
“That’s great. I can’t wait to get home and start back working with the horses. I need to patch things up with Meg. She must still have a lot of doubts about me and how stable I am.”
“Well, we’re all a little worried about that. If something upsets you, can you handle it
now?” Keary asked him.
“I feel confident that I can. Dr. Wahlman, at some point will talk to all of you and he wants to see Meg and I together weekly to help me stay on track,” Blackie said.
* * *
Meg, Jill and Katie were so excited when they heard he was coming home, they jumped up, screamed and hugged each other.
“Oh God, I hope he’s not upset that I moved in. I should have asked him first. I mean it is his place.”
“He was happy to hear that you did it. Wait till you see him, he looks fabulous and seems confident and self-assured,” Keary told them. “Sean and I will get him next week. He says he feels great.”
The day Keary and Sean brought Blackie home, the girls were so nervous they couldn’t sit still. They got up early, cleaned his apartment from top to bottom and then started in on the house. In the middle of the afternoon, they stopped, showered and changed. Meg wanted to look good the first time he saw her.
They were in the kitchen when Keary’s SUV pulled up. They quickly got drinks and sat down in the dining room.
When Blackie walked in, he took her breath away. He looked wonderful. He smiled big, kissed and hugged Jill, Katie and then walked over to Meg. He stood in front of her just staring, then smiled really big and said,
“Hi, Meg,” and folded her in his arms and held tight. She just melted into him – he felt like home.
“I love you, Meg. I missed you so much.” He said and kissed her like she loved to be kissed.
“I can’t believe you’re home,” she said and kissed him back. He picked her up and twirled her around.
“Hey guys, I want to visit with all of you so much but right now, I need to spend a few days alone with Meg. I have a lot of things to talk over with her and things to decide about our future, if she still wants one with me.”
“Honey, of course ...” she started to protest.
“Wait until you hear what I have to say,” he said. “I had Jeremy stock food in, so you guys won’t see us for a bit.”
As they started to leave Blackie turned and said, “I can’t thank you all enough for always
being there for me.”
Then taking Meg’s hand, the two of them walked down to the barn, their arms around
each other. As soon as they walked into the apartment, Blackie stopped, looked around and smiled.
“Hey, I like what you’ve done with the place,”
“Is it okay that I moved in? I’m sorry I didn’t even ask you.”
“Of course, it’s fine. This place is as much yours as it is mine. I kind of like it better with your things around. It needed a woman’s touch. I’m glad you sold that condo. He reached out and pulled her into his arms with a serious expression on his face.
“I love you, Meg, but the first thing you have to decide is if you still want to take a chance and be with me. I know none of this has been easy for you and I’m sure you have a lot of doubts about me. I can’t give you any guarantees, but I will pledge that I’m going work on my issues with a minimum of drama. Dr.Wahlman is still going to work with me and with both of us. I know I scared you to death and I’ll never do that again. I have too much to lose. I just know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you’ll still have me?”
“Blackie, I’ve had time to do a lot of thinking. I was terrified that you were going to die and I didn’t know if I could live with that possibility always in the back of my mind. I’m still a little unsure of how you will handle another incident like the one at the dance. I believe in you and I believe you will do great things if you give yourself the chance. I’m willing to stick by you and help you accept your past and move forward. The things that I’m totally sure of are my love for you and the knowledge that I can’t live without you.”
“You don’t know how happy you just made me. I can’t believe you’re willing to take a chance on me. Thank you, sweetheart. Will you still marry me?”
“I can’t wait to be your wife!”
“God, I love you.” He said and kissed her long and deep. They made love with such passion and urgency, the emotion overwhelmed her. They spent the next three days getting to know each other again. They talked for hours on end and made love until they could hardly move. They talked about their future together, the demons of his past, the things they each wanted to accomplish in life, starting a family. They laughed, played like kids, cooked when they were hungry and watched old romantic movies. Meg knew she would always cherish that time they spent alone, just happy to be together.
FORTY-FOUR
It was now four days since Blackie had come home from the hospital. Meg loved being
alone with him but actually she was getting a little stir crazy, cooped up in the apartment all the time. She woke and knew she was still up against him from the night before. She turned over slowly and looked at him. God, he was beautiful! She never got tired of looking at him. She turned a little more, cuddling into his arms. He stirred, curling an arm tighter around her.
“Mmm, good morning, gorgeous,” he mumbled.
“Good morning yourself. Did you sleep well?”
“I always sleep perfectly when you’ve made love to me the night before,” he said,
stretching and pulling her on top of him. He kissed her hungrily and moved his hands down to caress her butt.
“Mmm, you want me for breakfast?” he asked, kissing her again, harder.
“Sounds yummy, sweetie, but maybe we should show our faces up at the house this morning for a change,” she said, kissing him back.
“I actually think we’d have more fun here,” he said, rolling on top of her and kissing her neck. If he kept that up, they wouldn’t be going anywhere, she thought.
“Honey, you’ve been in the hospital for three months, they’re excited to see you and find out how you are.”
He rolled over onto his back and sighed. “You’re right. I want to see them too. I missed them a lot. I just like having you all to myself for a change,” he said growling and tickling her neck with his beard stubble.
“Stop, brat! Come on and get in the shower, it’s getting late.”
“We could save time if we showered together,” he said, kissing her breast.
“Cute! Yeah, right. I have a feeling it would turn into a very long shower.”
“Where’s your sense of adventure,” he said laughing and moved off the bed toward the shower room. She watched him go, enjoying the view of his naked, gorgeous butt. On second thought, maybe breakfast could wait. No, she knew he had to get back on some kind of healthy schedule.
She rolled out of bed and got clean clothes, waiting her turn. When he came strolling out of the bathroom wearing just a towel and a smile, she ran past him quickly, to resist looking.
He laughed when he popped her on the butt with the towel he’d been wearing.
After they dressed, they left the apartment, walking hand in hand up to the house. It was a gorgeous day! A light breeze and the sun shining. She suddenly felt a little sad, leaving the apartment after such a special time together. He looked at her and then pulled her to him.
“I know. I feel it too. I’ll never forget the last three days. I can’t tell you how much it has meant to me to be alone with you, listening to me spill my guts and telling you my hopes and dreams. I’ve never told anyone before. I love you so much,” he said, kissing her tenderly. She couldn’t tell him she felt the same because of the lump in her throat. A couple tears escaped, trickling down her cheeks and he brushed them away with his thumbs.
“Come on, let’s get breakfast, I’m starved.”
Jill was standing at the dining room window, drinking her tea and enjoying the beautiful day.
“Wow, the love birds have finally left their nest and are headed this way.” Keary stood behind her and looked.
“I thought we’d never see them again. Shit, he looks rough. He’s lost even more
weight. I thought they had Jeremy stock the place,” he said.
“He did and
they have plenty of food. I just think Blackie’s been expending a lot of physical energy, if you know what I mean,” she told him with raised eyebrows.
“Good Lord. I should have known”
“Well, what did you expect? They haven’t seen each other for months, Keary. Cut him some slack and don’t tease him, please,” Jill said, firmly.
“Aw, come on Jill. It’s always so much fun to tease him,” Sean said, laughing.
“Right, dummy, that’s why he’s broken your nose four or five times,” Katie said, sarcastically.
“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that,” Sean said. “Hey, who wants to bet he knocked her up since he’s been home?”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Sean!” Jill said.
“I’ll take that bet,” Keary said, smiling.
“You two are awful,” Katie said, disgustedly. Sean and Keary just laughed.
“Okay, let’s go jump him when he comes in,” Keary said, getting up.
Blackie and Meg walked into the kitchen, everyone smothered him with hugs.
“God, I missed you guys. It’s so good to see you all.”
“Let’s go sit down and hear all about it. You two must be hungry too,” Jill said.
“Yes, I’m starving.” Blackie said.
“Me, too.”
They went into the dining room, Blackie and Meg stopped at the buffet to get breakfast and coffee. They sat down at the table with the others, Blackie digging right into his food. She watched him eating. He was almost gaunt; he had lost so much weight. He looked tired, too. She hadn’t noticed how bad he looked since the light was always dim in the apartment.
“Do you feel okay, honey?”
“I do, why?” he said looking at her.
“You just look tired and I didn’t realize how much weight you’ve lost.”
“I didn’t think I looked that bad. I didn’t feel much like eating for the first couple weeks I was in the hospital.”
“Aw, honey, why didn’t you eat?” Jill asked.
Blackie sighed and looked at her. “Jill, I was so agitated when I went in. The thought of
being away from you guys and Meg made me crazy. You know being away from home was torture; I couldn’t deal with it. It’s funny all the years I was alone, racing, I thought I was having a good time. I couldn’t do that now if I wanted to.”