by Suze Reese
“Hmm.” I responded, ducking my head with embarrassment. “Sheltered. Remember?”
He took my hand, shaking his head, and led me to the line. “Which one do you want?”
I picked a pink stallion. Jesse helped Becca onto a white horse in the same row and then climbed on a black one between us. I gripped the center bar when the horse started moving.
I thought about streaming with Geery or Dad. It had been days since I’d talked to either one of them. Dad especially would so love this. But I couldn’t risk it with Jesse so close, especially with his gaze on me so intensely—smiling and shaking his head. Dad would want to see everything, and there was no way I could avoid showing him that.
When the ride came to a stop, he jumped off his horse, helped Becca off her horse, then wrapped his arms around me and lifted me down. He held onto me until we stepped off the platform, a smile playing at his lips.
“What?” I steadied myself on the solid ground. “You’re doing an awful lot of that head shaking and smiling.”
“You’ve been pretty distant this week.”
“I know…I’m sorry.” I looked down, embarrassed.
“No. It’s ok. I’m just glad you’re back.”
“Me too.”
“You’re just…” He wrapped a lock of my hair around his finger, his face close to mine. “Filled with wonder. Like a little kid.”
I felt the gentle touch of his lips on my cheek and shivered. He took my hand and I followed—almost mindlessly—to the Ferris wheel. The line took more than half an hour but I didn’t mind a second of it: standing close enough to Jesse to rest my head on his shoulder, holding his hand, talking and laughing about nothing of any real meaning. Becca, quiet for once, rested her head on my hip.
My stomach tickled when our suspended seat rose into the air. I wrapped my right arm around Becca protectively and clutched Jesse’s thick bicep with my left hand. The descending sun cast an orange glow across the sky. My breath caught in my throat. “It’s beautiful,” I whispered, gazing over the sparkling ocean.
Jesse put his arm around me and pulled me close. “Like you.”
My stomach flitted with the motion of the car as it traveled up, backwards, down, and up again. The virtual version couldn’t even compare to this—gazing out at the brilliant sunset reflected in the water below and absorbing Jesse’s intense affection. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed. I’d replay this memory for the rest of my life.
And then I saw him. It was like pushing pause at the best part of a movie.
Everett. On the sidewalk below. Gazing up at us.
Jesse’s arm tightened around me, and I knew he saw him too. Neither of us spoke, but I didn’t have to read Jesse’s mind to know what things he wasn’t saying in front of Becca.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
A short time later, Jesse, Becca and I squeezed close together in the congested and bumpy bus—tired, dry from the sun, and encrusted with sand. Becca rested her head on my lap. Within minutes her little body relaxed and her breathing slowed. I shifted in my seat, not nearly as comfortable as I had been while traveling in the other direction.
It was obvious Everett’s sudden appearance had upset Jesse. It had bothered me too. But not for the same reasons. “Is she asleep?” Jesse whispered. I nodded. He looked out the window into the darkness, then turned to me. “Has Everett been bothering you at school?”
I shook my head. “Not that I’ve noticed.”
He studied me, his eyes narrowing. “I don’t think you’ve noticed much lately. I swear every time I turn around he’s watching you.” He put his arm across my shoulders. “There’s something about that guy,” he said through gritted teeth. “Why was he here today?”
“I’m sure it’s just a coincidence,” I whispered.
“Maybe. But I swear he’s messing with you.” He pulled me close. “After that party…I don’t trust him. I should have called the police.”
I couldn’t decide how to respond. The bus pulled onto the Pacific Coast Highway and we rode in silence, bumping and shifting with the rhythm of the road. I stroked Becca’s sand-crusted curls. My head rested on Jesse’s shoulder. I breathed him in, putting the scent to memory.
Everett’s appearance at the beach was probably pure coincidence, despite Jesse’s suspicions. But the facts did bother me: he hated me for some reason, he saw me on a date with Jesse, and he had some kind of a relationship with Dr. Alison. A regular student wasn’t likely to discuss the dating habits of other students with a teacher. But Dr. Alison was not a normal teacher. And I had a hard time believing Everett was a normal student.
And that worry wasn’t even close to my biggest concern. With Jesse feeling miserable on the uncomfortable bus, I was finally able to confront my fears about the change I’d just gone through.
If I had repatterned—and I was certain by now that I had—my life would never be the same. In the first place, I’d never be approved for another linkmate. And since I couldn’t stay with Jesse, I’d live and die alone. And that was assuming I could survive the separation.
But none of that really mattered. My life may have begun the moment Jesse literally swept me off my feet—but it had also ended.
My only real concern was Jesse. We should have both formed new em-field patterns that were interconnected. Like clasped hands. I now had a new pattern that was permanently directed towards Jesse. A magnet that can only adhere to one surface.
But what about him?
Could he have undergone some kind of change? Could falling in love have a similar effect to the em-field pattern of a human as it does to a natharian? If so, he’d never survive once I was gone. Especially without understanding what had happened to him.
I knew that my mother was only able to be away from my dad for a few months because of possible damage to both their em-field patterns. Damage that could potentially lead to death. And while I didn’t know the details, or even how to find them, it was obvious that the longer we were to together, the more risk there was to Jesse.
“Mira,” Jesse whispered.
I lifted my head.
He cleared his throat. “This isn’t my usual kind of thing.”
I realized that he’d become increasingly nervous and looked at him expectantly.
“I actually had a plan, on the Ferris wheel. But between having the extra company…” He pointed his chin at Becca. “And then Everett showing up…it didn’t feel like the right time.” He cleared his throat again. “So the setting’s not quite as good. But I was wondering if you’d…maybe…go to homecoming with me?”
“Oh…”
He swallowed. “I guess I was supposed to do something cutesy—”
“Jesse—”
“—like decorate your house or put a note in a fortune cookie.”
Homecoming. A dance. I’m trying to decide whether his life is in danger. And he’s thinking about a dance.
“But that’s not really me,” he continued. “Then I thought maybe the Ferris wheel would be cool…”
I probably wouldn’t even be on the planet by next Friday.
“I know it’s short notice…”
And if by some miracle I were still here, it’s not like I could use the excuse of taking Becca to a school dance. “Jesse,” I whispered, interrupting him. “No. I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“Oh, okay.” His already-dark mood plummeted further.
“I would love to, really,” I added quickly.
“It’s all right. I’m sure somebody already asked.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just…my parents…wouldn’t… ,” I couldn’t finish the sentence, but was sure he understood.
Jesse didn’t speak for several seconds. His jaw became tense as his anger mounted. “Do they know where you are today?”
“Yes. I told you that.”
“Do they know who you’re with?”
I looked away, aware of the gaze of a man with a shaggy beard who was interested in our conversation. “Th
ey know about Becca.”
Several more seconds passed in silence. I stroked his bare knee with my finger, absorbing his anxiety.
“That has something to do with why we’re on this stupid bus, doesn’t it?”
I nodded again.
“We need to talk,” he said, his voice angry but subdued. He glanced at the staring man. “Alone.”
The rest of the eternal ride was spent in silence. His anxiety was too severe for me to continue thinking about repatterning. I woke Becca when the bus stopped at the parking lot where he’d left his car. I didn’t dare speak until we neared the turn-off to my street.
“Stop here.” I pointed to the side of the road. “I need to walk the rest of the way. I can’t let my parents see your car.”
“Mira—”
“Please. I just need to get Becca home. Then I’ll come back.”
“That’s stupid. Let me dri—”
“No. Pull over. I’ll be right back.”
I had to keep Becca propped up by the shoulders as we walked the half block to my house. I stayed to the shadowed parts of the street, and when I got close to my house, opened a stream to Mom.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Mom seemed clueless, and couldn’t see Becca’s house from the family room. I just needed to buy a little time so I could talk to Jesse without Mom worrying.
The dark form of someone from her family was waiting on the couch. “You made it!” It was a female voice.
I knew I should go in and give a report of our day. Assure them that Becca had been safe. That’s what I’d expect if it were my child. But Jesse was waiting and Mom would get worried so I dashed away.
“I thought you got permission to see me,” Jesse said.
I climbed in and closed the door. “I got permission to go to the beach.”
“So we have the same problem? Nothing’s changed?”
“Oh Jesse.” I sat with my knees on the seat, facing him. “Everything’s changed.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I don’t want to stay away from you. I don’t know if I even can.”
Jesse nodded. “That sounds promising. Except I’m sure there’s a but.”
I grimaced. “But I still should. It’s better for both of us. And not just because of my parents.”
“Do they realize you’re seventeen?”
“Yes. It’s just—”
“Do they understand this is natural? The whole dating thing? It happens. I mean…I get wanting to protect you. I do. Just look at you. But not all guys are creeps.”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“Maybe I should meet them. Explain things.”
“No!” I blurted the word—loud, desperate. “No,” I said—softer, pleading. “Please…you can’t.”
“Why? What have we got to lose?”
“Jesse, please. You have to understand. If my parents get any hint of you…of us…it could be dangerous. There’s no way we’d see each other again.”
“Dangerous?” He pulled back and stared at me as though I were a freak. “This is crazy! Are they like the mob or something?”
I would have done anything to get rid of that look. “It’s…it’s complicated,” I whispered.
“You said that. But it doesn’t explain anything.” He sat back on his seat and pounded the steering wheel with his fist. “We can’t do this…sneaking behind your parents’ backs. Especially when we’re not doing anything wrong.” He was silent, brooding, for several moments before he turned to me again, his eyes suddenly gentle. “I thought I could keep my distance. But after today…that’s just not gonna work.”
Tears pushed against my eyes. My new sensitivities made Jesse’s confusion as sharp and real as if I had a knife in my stomach. I wanted to crawl over to him, put my head on his chest, curl into his arms, and stay forever. This should have been such a happy time. Every girl dreams of the day she repatterns. But I was so confused and I had no idea how to fix it. “You could start coming to my house again, after school.”
“And if we get caught?”
I swallowed. “That would be bad.”
“Then I don’t like it.”
I swiped at my eyes. “Jesse…” A sob burst from my mouth. “I know this isn’t fair. But it’s how it has to be. Someday…someday, maybe very soon, I might be gone. And when…if…that happens, it will be better if you don’t know anything about me.”
His body tensed. “I don’t believe you.”
I wiped at my wet nose and mouth and nodded. “It’s true.” I looked up at him. “Please believe me.”
“You can’t go. Whatever’s going on, you have to fight it. You have to stay.”
I could barely look at him, at the pain in his eyes. “I want to,” I said. “For as long as I can. But I need you to decide something.” I sat up and looked at him squarely. “If you had to choose between seeing me in secret—or never seeing me again—which would it be?”
He ran trembling fingers through his hair. “I…I don’t like sneaking around.”
“But if you had to choose…”
“I’d do anything to be with you.”
“Then you just have to trust me,” I whispered. “And let it be…”
He stared straight ahead. Tapping the steering wheel. I squirmed. Eventually he opened the door, walked around the car, and opened my door. He held out his hand. When I stood in front of him he pulled me close. “This conversation isn’t over,” he whispered. “But for now you need to get to bed. Maybe you’ll make more sense in the morning.”
I approached the house slowly and mechanically. Mom apparently hadn’t been able to sense my emotions ever since Everett’s party, when my em-field started fluctuating. But I was no longer fluctuating, so I had no idea what would happen next. Now that I was more determined than ever to stay, my entire emotional day would probably be laid bare before her. I could just go to bed without waking her—assuming she’d actually fallen asleep—but that would only make her suspicious. I paused on the front porch and wished I could block every emotion I was feeling except my excitement for the beach. I pulled up the memory of riding a wave. The thrill…
I gasped. I couldn’t be sure, but it almost felt like I had launched the emotion forward—the way I would a stream tunnel. I released the door knob and sat on the edge of the concrete steps. I opened another memory—eating the hot dog—and pushed it to the forefront of my mind. The pleasure of those spicy juices in my mouth settled nicely into my mind, pushing my anxiety to the rear.
It was an unproven theory, but it seemed as though this new em-field pattern of mine allowed me to manipulate my emotions to only show the ones I selected. If that were the case, it would explain so much about adults. Like how they always seem to show the emotion that best suits their needs.
That insight should have made me mad—to think that the entire adult population might be keeping a secret that huge from children. But I was too excited to care.
I practiced for several more minutes before stepping into the house. All was dark except the light of the television. Mom paused it with the remote
. “How was it?”
I pulled up a memory of just me and Becca in the water and threw the emotion forward. Holding it there, I stepped into the room and sat on the edge of the couch across from Mom. “It was so fun.”
“Oh, I can tell. You must be feeling better.”
“Yes.” I sighed with relief. “Much better.”
Mom turned off the television. “So what was the best part?”
I sat back on the couch, concentrating on that single memory, keeping it forward. “The waves. You have to let me take you sometime. You can actually ride them to shore.”
“Come tell me.” Mom patted the couch seat.
I told her every exciting thing I could think of about the day. She told me about her work. We talked longer than we had, probably in years. And she seemed clueless that anything was out of order in my life. I went to bed feeling better than I had in days. And slept more soundly.
School was a different place when I returned the next day. Not that the school itself had made any changes. But I had, in many ways. Pleasant smells and tastes were intensified. Unpleasant ones were more tolerable. I moved more swiftly and surely. Thought more clearly. Even the correct words came easily.
But each new discovery was bittersweet. It reminded me that my life had been permanently altered. And probably not for the better. And that I didn’t know what damage I may have done to Jesse’s life.
I ate school lunch for the first time in a week. Real food. With real friends. Camille and Serena seemed excited to have me back, though Lacey was still so caught up in Everett Excitement that she hardly seemed to notice that I had been gone. The cafeteria buzzed with plans for homecoming. I rushed through my meal, saying as little as possible, so I could find a tree to sit under and stream with Geery before class started. I fingered the bracelet on my wrist as I opened the stream. It had been days since I’d even noticed it.
I replied, sitting on the bench of an empty picnic table.