by James Goss
Of killing me instead.”
The King said
“Nobody
Could call me
A fussy man.
But must I be the one
to make the Doctor dead?”
The Doctor said
“Certainly.
I’ve emptied out your slave mines
And your guards they have all fled.
The people
Have spoken
They’re on their way
With pitchforks
AND
I think you’d better try exile instead . . .”
SPECIAL FEATURES
Do you suppose
An Adipose
Nose
Grows and Grows
The more that it Knows?
*
Do you think
An Angel
Shrinks
When it Blinks?
I really think
It becomes
Extinct
When it Blinks.
*
Does an Ood
Refuse its food
When it’s up
to no good?
*
When a Judoon
FO-BO-SO
BO-GO-NO-SO-
PO-PO-DO-MA-HO.
*
What happens when
A Quark
Barks in the dark?
Do the other Quarks hark?
*
And really does
A Yeti
Forget where he
Gets his
Spaghetti?
*
And is the Master
Somehow Faster
In a disaster?
(No.)
THE HARD STAIR
(after ‘Halfway Down’)
Halfway down the stairs
is a man
who shouldn’t
be.
He whispers sometimes
in my ears
of death
and lonely
nighttime fears.
And what one day
he’ll do
to me.
Sometimes I’ll be
going up.
And sometimes
I’ll be going down.
But he’s always
Always
Halfway up the stairs
Waiting with a smile
That’s worse than
any frown.
Sometimes I’ll forget
if I was going up
or if
I
was
coming down.
That is when
I’ll see the man
the man
who shouldn’t be.
I hope
and hope
that one day
he won’t be me.
A SIMPLE TRUTH
(after ‘Lines And Squares’)
Avoid the lines, tread in the squares
Or else They’ll catch you unawares
To escape their dread designs
Tread on the squares, and not the lines.
But real life is not so simple
Evil does not follow principle
Not all monsters lurk in corners
Squares and lines aren’t there to warn us.
Rules I think are just distractions
The greatest evil is inaction.
Rudeness, hatred and being brash
And, of course, a love of cash.
By all means tread the squares, not the lines
But also remember – do be kind
To those you may not understand
And bear in mind the other hand.
We fear what’s past and what’s to come
The real villains are a zero sum.
Enjoy the now – confront what’s there
And . . . tread a line and not a square.
THE MASTER’S BEARD
I have a lovely beard
So long and pointy
I think it very
much suits
me.
I have a lovely beard
Very lush you see
I really hope
you do
agree.
I have a lovely beard
It means a lot to me.
Look into my eyes
and obey
obey
me.
THE TOYMAKER
(after ‘Knights and Ladies’)
There is in my old picture book
A page at which I never look.
The toys within all seem to cry
And when I look then so will I.
The playing cards have such sad faces
The Jack, Queen, King and all the Aces.
A dolly and a teddy bear
Sigh and wail in full despair.
Girls and boys all turned to toys
So much joy each life destroys.
They came here and they tried their best
Do have a go, my latest guest.
I put them there, you know, my friend
Not all my games have happy ends.
What’s that? You think I’d let them out?
Their snakes were laddered, without a doubt,
So many, many years ago.
Perhaps I might – you never know.
Take care you don’t end up the same.
Now – care to try my Trilogic Game . . . ?
GOODBYES
Jamie, Zoe and I
Don’t like to say our goodbyes.
Once we’ve saved your isotopes,
Or given poor fish people hopes,
Returned Himalaya’s Holy Ghanta,
Or proved there are such things as Macra,
Wonders worked with static electricity,
Or sadly blown up your ancient city,
Driven Yeti out of Covent Garden,
Secured for Mercury miners a pardon,
Say we’ve saved the Moonbase with a tea-tray,
Taught logicians to open tombs my way,
(You know this is making me giddy!)
Imagine I’ve misdirected Krotons,
Or baffled Quarks with misplaced protons,
And captured double evil space pirates,
Or my Mexican twin (like me, but irate),
And yes, once we’ve thwarted angry seaweed,
Met Ann Travers and gone weak-kneed,
Fired deadly rockets from the Wheel In Space,
Gone to meet myself with another face,
(Lots of velvet, lack of grace)
And we’ve banished the Great Intelligence,
Nixed Dominators gaining eminence,
Managed to hold back another Ice Age,
Dealt with the Emperor Dalek’s great rage,
Arrested the shape shifters at Gatwick,
Stopped Zaroff (he laid it on a bit thick),
And taught the Daleks how to play at trains,
While Cybermen fiddled about in drains,
Forced an end to all war, gone on the run,
And yes, called home and put a stop to fun,
Well, once we’ve done all that and a bit more too . . .
We’ll be off.
THE FLOWER SOUR
(after ‘Daffowdowndilly’)
She had a yellow smiling face
Her stem was brightest green
She turned it to the human race
And quivered with a sheen
She blew them deadly kisses
And smothered all with plastic
They perished by the thousand
Their deaths were quite traumatic
But still she wore her smiling face
And her stem of pure Nestene.
THE COMPANION’S LAMENT
(after ‘Independence’)
I never really cared for
“Don’t run that way.”
I pursed my lips at
“Follow what I say.”
I wasn’t a fan of
/> “Tell the guard you’re ill.”
I was frankly tired by
“Stand very still.”
I never liked
“You wouldn’t understand.”
I rather frowned at
“Hush now, hold my hand.”
I was not okay with
“I’ll explain later.”
Or
“It’s a Tissue Compression Eliminator.”
Then there was the rotten
“There’s no time for why.”
And the awful
“Goodbye, my friend, goodbye.”
WINNING
Peoples of the universe
Attend please carefully
I am the Master
And I rule eternally.
I shall visit all the planets
And every galaxy
I’ll label every comet
It all belongs to me.
You may call me Master
(I’m not fussy ’bout the The)
Just look into my eyes
Obey and worship me.
At last I’ve gone and done it
I own both stars and sea
I’ll make all kings and gods
Bow down on bended knee.
We’ll have just heaps of meetings
With proposals and decrees
They’ll give me all their riches
And hon’rary degrees.
I’ll never find it boring
I’ll rule them all with glee
But I wonder when the Doctor
Will put a stop to me?
“Peoples of the universe
Listen please to me.
For I am the Doctor
And I’d love a cup of tea.”
SAID ALICE
(after ‘Buckingham Palace’)
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
The young Time Lady should be on her guard.
“I think your name is terrible hard,”
Said Alice.
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
She’d surely never met that girl before.
“Ooh, look a dainty marble floor!”
Said Alice.
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
Being caught in a time loop’s a terrible thing.
“A moment’s respite before the reset swing,”
Said Alice.
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
“Something’s breached the transduction barrier!”
“Romana, you’re just a terrible worrier,”
Said Alice.
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
“You’re nothing but a psychovore!”
“I’ve escaped here from a terrible war,”
Said Alice.
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
“I’m eating this planet minute by minute
Until you’re dust and there’s nothing in it,”
Said Alice.
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
“Just what are you doing?”
Said Alice.
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with Alice.
“I’m breaking the loop and throwing you out
To bring your defeat
My poem’s not neat
And some of my rhymes
Are terrible crimes
But it should form a reasonable basis
For rupturing a chronic hysteresis,”
Said Romana.
“Some people should not be allowed near poetry,”
Said Alice.
“Also, noooooooooooooo!”
Said Alice.
They’re changing guard at Rassilon’s Palace
Romanadvoratrelundar went down with . . . “Oh.”
“Something wrong?” “I don’t think so.”
The Doctor said, “Well, it looks like snow.
Who’s Alice?”
THE HAPPY BRIG
Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart
Had saved the world and this time he knew it.
It wasn’t the Doctor (He was on Mars)
It wasn’t Ms Shaw (She was playing with jars)
It hadn’t been Ms Grant (For she’d been late)
And, due to a cold, it wasn’t Mike Yates.
And of course, we really should mention
It hadn’t, oh hadn’t, been Sgt Benton.
Gordon Alistair Lethbridge Stewart
Had saved the world and this time he knew it.
The PM had not taken his call
Word had spread throughout Whitehall.
They’d made excuses in Geneva
“Perhaps a touch of dengue fever?”
The game was up, they began to fear
It was all in the hands of the Brigadier.
Lethbridge Alistair Gordon Stewart
Had saved the world and this time he knew it.
It wasn’t with bullets (they never worked)
He didn’t use nanites (they always lurked)
It wasn’t a bomb (though they were a blast)
He didn’t lay on a chopper (they were too fast)
He could never rely on nuclear
Nor set hands on a trusty bazooka
Alistair Lethbridge Gordon Stewart
Had saved the world and this time he knew it.
It may be laying it on a touch too thick
But it was honestly nothing ballistic
He just strode out to the UFO
With a cheery smile and a fond hello.
“Terribly sorry, you’ve got the wrong date
This world won’t be conquered by a feller who’s late.”
Don’t tangle with Earth or you’ll be made fools
By a chap who obeys the Queensbury rules.
Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart
Had saved the world and this time he knew it.
TO ANONYMOUS
I’ve 100 words a minute
And not one of them’s for you.
You’re a thing I can’t describe
Don’t know your what or why or who.
You’re an itch I’m not meant to scratch
A take-a-way unordered,
A song that doesn’t come on shuffle,
A shopping trip afforded,
The answer to my horoscope.
“Strangers are friends you’ve not yet met,”
It says so in my magazine
Along with Katie’s Diet Secrets,
Psychic poodles and Sudoku,
Plus a girl whose husband minced her.
All human life’s therein – but mine.
“You’ve got it all!” – I’m not convinced.
I’m not seeking tall, dark and handsome
More sort of wiry, sort of lanky.
No muscled Sven, no hirsute Barry
Just suited with a pocket hanky.
The missing bit in my life’s sky.
No lover – just that best, best friend
It’s your name carried on their heart
They’re your laugh, your mate, your end.*
*We all deserve one of these (except for Nerys)
You’re one more bus that I’ve just missed
Like when there’s aliens arriving
And I’m on safari, karaoke,
A hen night, or scuba diving.
I’ve skipped a page in my life’s book
Some brilliant’s missing from my hi
story
I guess we all feel that, I guess
And yet it’s so my mystery.
A stone I saw in a museum
“Grandad! It’s me – in Ancient Rome!”
And it was, I’m so sure it hurt.
“Is it, luv? It’s late. Let’s go home.”
Like there’s something I’m not being told
A locked door’s in my memory.
Something’s gone and gone for good
In a life of mist and rain and grey
I cannot put my finger on
Why they’d take my sunny day.
A film without a car explosion
A year without December
Beckham in a bunny onesie
The shape of just can’t remember.
You’re that one trick that mothers know
Terms and conditions, PPI
That lucky thousandth visitor
You’re what’s missing – Life’s Big Why.
Seeking the best friend I’ll never know
I give up. I always do.
I’ve a hundred words a minute
And not one of them for you.
CURTAIN
(after ‘Brownie’)
At the end of time there is a great big curtain
Something lies behind it, but I don’t know who.
I’m sure it’s there but I’m not quite certain.
It may be imagination – in which case whose?
One day I went and looked behind the curtain
But I went and there was no thing there
God or monster, no-one said “How do you do?”
But there’s something waiting of that I’m sure
And I know that one day it’ll say “Boo!”
THE FIVE DOCTORS
(after ‘The Three Foxes’)
Once upon a time there were five little Doctors
They went to Gallifrey and frankly they shocked her.
One got lost along the way in a temporal fracture
The rest went to the Dead Zone and a secret unlocked-er.
They faced off against dastard interlocutors,
Scrambled entry coders while time tick-tocked-er.
Thwarted Cybermen and an agent provocateur
Escaped from mad Yeti and a Raston Robot-er.
They dodged mind probes from a vengeful chief proctor,
They ate dainty pineapple and knocked out the Master,
Read Old High Gallifreyan and roared with laughter,
They unmasked the President and cunning impostors,