by James Goss
Then escaped quickly. And Flavia? They mocked her.
A wilder story you could not concocter
That’s all that I know of the five little Doctors.
SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE
(after ‘The Wrong House’)
I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.
On the inside it was big, on the outside it was small.
And it had a garden
A swimming pool
A library
It wasn’t like a box at all.
I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.
It had no shelves, just a great big hall.
And it had some snowmen
And kitchens
And wardrobes
It wasn’t like a box at all.
I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.
It had lots of rooms for nothing at all.
And it had corridors.
And butterflies.
And galleries.
It wasn’t like a box at all.
I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.
I asked it who owned it and it smiled.
It said no-one owned it.
No-one.
No-one
No-one owned that box at all.
I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.
I asked the box to go wandering.
We could go to planets
We could visit stars
Or Tuesday.
That box could go anywhere at all.
And so we did.
THE GUARDIANS
Creation has two Guardians
One is Black and one is White
One’s for when things go too wrong
And one’s for when they go too right.
“The problem is,” the White One said,
“Every day I’m rushed off my feet –
Evil, plague, famine, war, untold dead
Life’s such a mess – it’s just not neat.”
“I’m fine with that,” the Black One said
“It makes my life so simple
There’s knitting, jigsaws, baking bread,
Hobbies help to fill my time – it’s ample.”
“That’s the point, my dear old friend,”
Said White – “Things they could be neater
Let’s bring this division to an end
(And thank you for the sweater).”
“Oh dear,” the Black One shut his book
His face was not so rosy.
“To draw a line, how bad that’ll look,
Just when I’m getting cosy.”
“I call upon the Key To Time
To bring about some balance!” cried White
“An end to chaos, mess and crime?”
Sighed Black, “Say I’ve not got that right!
“Fine, well fine, for this I’ve planned
Your tiresome schemes I’ll thwart
Has White a champion in mind?
I hope you’ve given it some thought.”
“There’s one I trust the Key to find,
The Time Lord called the Doctor.
They say he has a brilliant mind . . .
Oh –” The White Guard spoke to laughter.
THE BOY WONDER
I’m very good at maths
So why does no-one like me?
It doesn’t add up
(That’s a joke, I’m good at those).
I’m cleverer than anybody else
But no-one seems to care.
I am so bright.
It’s just not fair.
I do times tables in my bed at night.
Ask me a square root, I’m sure to know
And I’ve all the fun primes to hand
I know pi to that nth degree
And Fibonacci’s not a mystery
And yet, and yet, the sadness is
That great as numbers are,
They’re just not friends.
STEPS
I love that fresh new planet smell
A world untrodden – it’s so swell
Just over that mountain
Or across that plain
Adventure is waiting.
Beyond that fenced-off gating.
Stay Off The Grass! Keep Out!
Intruders Will Be Shot!
Top Secret! Look, Just Stay Away!
Ah.
My feet shall bend your way.
What’s around that deadly corner?
Last words from a mourner?
A city in rubble?
An old friend in trouble?
Bonkers mad-eyed priests?
Invites to their feasts?
Helpful slave girls to charm?
Kings to rescue from harm?
Ancient curses to lift?
Fallen girders to shift?
Famous names to drop?
Lethal countdowns to stop?
(I love it when they get to 001)
It’s all just such fun.
Each world’s a fresh blank page
I admit – it’s my stage.
And it all starts – I cannot hide
With that first
step
outside.
THE RED AND THE BLUE
(after ‘The Dormouse and the Doctor’)
There once was a Dormouse who lived in a shed
As battle raged between loyalists (blue) and rebels (red)
And all day long he’d a wonderful view
Of victories (red) and triumphs (blue).
A Doctor came hurrying past and he cried:
“Good grief little friend, how come you’ve survived?
What with all the massacres and bombs and whatnot?
Well, it seems dear chap, you’ve been luckily forgot.”
The Dormouse winced at his view and sadly replied
“But can’t you stop it?” “Oh, I’ve tried and I’ve tried,”
The Doctor he vowed, “I’ve used charm and persuasions,
I’ve even faked up an alien invasion.”
“But red and blue really want to wipe out each other,
Cities, families, mother against mother
They can’t even agree on what they’re fighting for
They just thirst for more, more of this stupid, stupid war.”
“It’s said,” ventured the Dormouse, “It began in Heaven,
Great battles among giants raging in the skies.
What’s happening here is just poison in the well
As those arguing gods turn creation into Hell.”
The Doctor he sighed. “You’re well informed for a mouse,
Permit me to suggest a lovely change of house.
My ship’s over there, we shall reach it with ease
And I promise you it offers just roomfuls of cheese.”
The Doctor and the Dormouse, they went their sad way
And left battle behind them without further say.
Bombardments, and screams, oh the two sides they skirmished
Plenty of atrocities (blue) and victories (red).
And so the planet fell, its life force at an end
But at last, at least, the Doctor had made a new friend.
THE MARA
Into the woods went the girl.
She knew mother didn’t want it, so.
“Shall we talk?” said the snake.
“But I’m a good little girl. No!”
“I fear we will,” smiled the snake.
“Are you really so very good?
That’s not what I think
Or why would you walk in the wood?”
The little girl did not reply.
“Life is full of reasons Not To,
Don’t Touch and Don’t Ask Why.
This is where I agree with you.”
“But my chick, it doesn’t have to be
Just hold out your hand and
Look at me.
Look at me.
And each other we’ll understand
>
Splendidly.
No, look at me.
Look
At
Me.”
The young girl came out of the woods
Eventually
And her mother she was waiting.
“What’s This? How dare you disobey!”
She was really shouting.
“Good girls know not to go that way!”
“Why just look at your knees
Bad things happen to girls
Who climb up trees!
And what have you done to your curls?
“There’s monsters lurking in those woods
I warned you for a reason
I want to keep you good
Innocence is a short season.
“My sweet, you are in quite a state
Let’s clean you up ’fore you go wild.”
“Mother you’re too late,”
And then the hungry girl, she smiled.
SHORTNESS OF BREATH
Tainted Love and chips,
Sunshine on her lips,
Red wine and Women Wept,
Pass the port Harriet,
Amazing ears, lopsided grin,
Always feeling the Earth’s spin,
Vinegar and bananas,
Captain Jack’s Pyjamas,
England in the Blitz,
High tea at the Ritz,
Kronkburger and Pajatas,
Genghis Khan and Blue Peter.
One brave weather balloon,
Poor old Moxx of Balhoon.
Lynda with a Y
Jackie Tyler’s shepherd’s pie.
Even Auton Plastic
These things are fantastic.
Coleslaw and pickled onions,
Zombies in Cardiff dungeons.
Cassandra, Metaltron,
Dickens left the gas on.
Bad Wolf or Dalek Scheme
Are you my Repeated Meme?
The Mighty Jagrafess,
Adam’s weird new face,
The Emperor Dalek’s fleet
And my two left feet.
Bad Wolf and Clive’s Shed
Those walking undead.
Perfect Brides and Nestenes
Over-active nanogenes.
Slitheen romancing
Have we done dancing?
The fear of the loner
Never going to Barcelona.
Surviving war galactic
These things are not fantastic.
Fantastic or not
They all meant
A lot.
ODE TO A KRYNOID
(after Pooh’s Good Hum)
The more it snows
(Diddley-dum)
The more it grows
(Diddley-dum)
The more it goes
(Diddley-dum)
On killing.
And nobody knows
(Diddley-dum)
As it flowers
(Diddley-dum)
And it devours
(Diddley-dum)
If there’s a way
(Diddley-dum)
Of it stopping.
(Oo-ee-ooo)
TO HER COY DOCTOR
Had we but world enough and time,
This coyness, Doctor, were no crime.
We would sit down, and think which way
To turn the pace of our love’s day.
But that, alas, will never do
For I well, my love, know you.
Or else we’d sail on time’s tides
Fighting love’s war ’pon both sides
Me quicksilver’d like a Rutan
You steadfast as Sontaran –
I’d be slick of wit, sylph of form
You like a grape in Benidorm.
Our loves approach from diff’rent routes
Yours often tangled where mine shoots.
My heart falls for each shifting face
As you grow wise and tall in grace
No mind which course our bodies send
A Library’s where we start and end.
Our middle’s where we most agree
A muddle’s what the others see.
True, though I do kill you at the start
It’s you who bore me through the heart.
Sometimes we blaze like Perseids
I shout your love from Pyramids.
Others, you’ve aeons to say your love
But would rather talk about your glove,
Its touch doubtless tender, but still
Leaves not a smudge on windowsill.
You tread time and leave no traces
Beyond a truce twixt warring races.
Though my dear holds me in prison
One touch frees me with oblivion.
From the crash of the Byzantium
To the towers of Derilium
Our race is one long arc of fun
For some it’s just a Demon’s Run.
I’d give my age to your every part
And the last breath should speak your heart.
I’d chase you cross Mutter’s Spiral
I’ll make our love nano-viral
No matter where it is you hide
My path draws me ’ventually to your side.
Remember this most certainly
That feelings fill eternity
For at my back I always hear
Your blue box roaring near.
And yonder all behind us lie
Seas of wasted opportunity.
Give up my love, give in to fate
It’s sometimes not the girl who waits.
Let’s forget for once our duty
And gather up in arms our beauty
For though our days hold to the sun
It’s yet our nights that see us run.
CHRISTMAS ON MARS
Why does it never snow on Mars?
I’ll find it out for my memoirs.
Martians I’ve met come from when it’s cold
I guess they must be jolly old.
Mars has had a change in climate
It all depends on how you time it.
Some find that good, others couldn’t be sorrier
Such as, my old chums, the Ice Warriors
Azaxyr, Varga, Sskel, Turoc,
Izlyr, Slaar, Ssorg, Zondal, Skaldak
Fellows of fine noble mettle
Though with names like angry kettles.
No wonder they do hiss and shout
When there’s so little ice about
It’s one thing when with the stars you’ve warred
To come back and find your home world’s thawed
Perhaps it’s only time who really knows
Why on Mars it never snows.
SKIPPING SONG
(after ‘Hoppity’)
Hippity-hoppity
To the shoppity
Goes Jackie Tyler!
Hoppity-skippity
From the market
Jackie comes home.
The phone it has not rung.
The phone it has not rung.
Is her daughter still alive?
Hoppity-hop!
* * *
Bouncity-bounce
Through space
Falls Katarina
Gaspity-gasp
Struggling to breathe
Poor Katarina
Will her god rescue her?
Will her god rescue her?
Well, gods like sacrifice
Sighs Katarina.
* * *
Whizzity-whizzity-whirr
To the Conversion Chamber
Goes Yvonne Hartman
Buzzity-buzzity-slice
The drills aren’t quite nice
Thinks Yvonne Hartman
I did my duty
I did my duty
Oh god.
* * *
THE GALACTIC COUNCIL
Twelve men went to mow
Went to mow down all creation
A badger and a Christmas Tree
> And one was called Celation.
Twelve men went to mow
Went to mow down all creation
A badger and a Christmas Tree
And one they called Celation.
With the help of Mavic Chen
And a full emm of Taranium
They went to mow down all creation.
Twelve men went to mow
Went to mow down all creation
A badger and a Christmas Tree
And one they called Celation.
Plus Malpha, Beaus, Warrien
Then Sentreal with Mavic Chen
And PS that full emm of Taranium
They went to mow down all creation.
Twelve men went to mow
Went to mow down all creation
A badger and a Christmas Tree
And one they called Celation.
Plus Malpha, Beaus, Warrien
And Sentreal, and Mavic Chen
With Trantis, Monsieur Gearon,
Plus don’t forget that full emm of Taranium
They went to mow down all creation.
Twelve men went to mow
Went to mow down all creation
A badger and a Christmas Tree
And one they called Celation.
Plus Malpha, Beaus, Warrien
And Sentreal, magic Mavic Chen
Jane Trantis, groovy Gearon,
AND the Fifth Galaxy’s Zephon,
(Sadly having to give it a miss
Was the Embodiment Gris).
And you won’t forget that full emm of Taranium!
They went to mow down all creation
I think that’s nearly all
The members of that delegation
(But we can never be quite sure
Due to archival obliteration)
But
(one more time)
There’s a badger, a Christmas Tree
And one they called Celation.
Plus Malpha, Beaus, Warrien
And Sentreal, then Mavic Chen,
With Trantis, oh and Gearon,
Plus the Fifth Galaxy’s Zephon,
And never ever forget that full emm of Taranium.
This lot went to mow down all creation.
They were good to go,
That lethal delegation
But when they went to mow,
Went to mow down all creation
The Daleks they didn’t know
And met total Extermination!
JOSEPHINE GRANT
(after ‘Jonathan Jo’)