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Doctor Who: Now We Are 600

Page 3

by James Goss


  Then escaped quickly. And Flavia? They mocked her.

  A wilder story you could not concocter

  That’s all that I know of the five little Doctors.

  SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE

  (after ‘The Wrong House’)

  I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.

  On the inside it was big, on the outside it was small.

  And it had a garden

  A swimming pool

  A library

  It wasn’t like a box at all.

  I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.

  It had no shelves, just a great big hall.

  And it had some snowmen

  And kitchens

  And wardrobes

  It wasn’t like a box at all.

  I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.

  It had lots of rooms for nothing at all.

  And it had corridors.

  And butterflies.

  And galleries.

  It wasn’t like a box at all.

  I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.

  I asked it who owned it and it smiled.

  It said no-one owned it.

  No-one.

  No-one

  No-one owned that box at all.

  I went into a box and it wasn’t a box.

  I asked the box to go wandering.

  We could go to planets

  We could visit stars

  Or Tuesday.

  That box could go anywhere at all.

  And so we did.

  THE GUARDIANS

  Creation has two Guardians

  One is Black and one is White

  One’s for when things go too wrong

  And one’s for when they go too right.

  “The problem is,” the White One said,

  “Every day I’m rushed off my feet –

  Evil, plague, famine, war, untold dead

  Life’s such a mess – it’s just not neat.”

  “I’m fine with that,” the Black One said

  “It makes my life so simple

  There’s knitting, jigsaws, baking bread,

  Hobbies help to fill my time – it’s ample.”

  “That’s the point, my dear old friend,”

  Said White – “Things they could be neater

  Let’s bring this division to an end

  (And thank you for the sweater).”

  “Oh dear,” the Black One shut his book

  His face was not so rosy.

  “To draw a line, how bad that’ll look,

  Just when I’m getting cosy.”

  “I call upon the Key To Time

  To bring about some balance!” cried White

  “An end to chaos, mess and crime?”

  Sighed Black, “Say I’ve not got that right!

  “Fine, well fine, for this I’ve planned

  Your tiresome schemes I’ll thwart

  Has White a champion in mind?

  I hope you’ve given it some thought.”

  “There’s one I trust the Key to find,

  The Time Lord called the Doctor.

  They say he has a brilliant mind . . .

  Oh –” The White Guard spoke to laughter.

  THE BOY WONDER

  I’m very good at maths

  So why does no-one like me?

  It doesn’t add up

  (That’s a joke, I’m good at those).

  I’m cleverer than anybody else

  But no-one seems to care.

  I am so bright.

  It’s just not fair.

  I do times tables in my bed at night.

  Ask me a square root, I’m sure to know

  And I’ve all the fun primes to hand

  I know pi to that nth degree

  And Fibonacci’s not a mystery

  And yet, and yet, the sadness is

  That great as numbers are,

  They’re just not friends.

  STEPS

  I love that fresh new planet smell

  A world untrodden – it’s so swell

  Just over that mountain

  Or across that plain

  Adventure is waiting.

  Beyond that fenced-off gating.

  Stay Off The Grass! Keep Out!

  Intruders Will Be Shot!

  Top Secret! Look, Just Stay Away!

  Ah.

  My feet shall bend your way.

  What’s around that deadly corner?

  Last words from a mourner?

  A city in rubble?

  An old friend in trouble?

  Bonkers mad-eyed priests?

  Invites to their feasts?

  Helpful slave girls to charm?

  Kings to rescue from harm?

  Ancient curses to lift?

  Fallen girders to shift?

  Famous names to drop?

  Lethal countdowns to stop?

  (I love it when they get to 001)

  It’s all just such fun.

  Each world’s a fresh blank page

  I admit – it’s my stage.

  And it all starts – I cannot hide

  With that first

  step

  outside.

  THE RED AND THE BLUE

  (after ‘The Dormouse and the Doctor’)

  There once was a Dormouse who lived in a shed

  As battle raged between loyalists (blue) and rebels (red)

  And all day long he’d a wonderful view

  Of victories (red) and triumphs (blue).

  A Doctor came hurrying past and he cried:

  “Good grief little friend, how come you’ve survived?

  What with all the massacres and bombs and whatnot?

  Well, it seems dear chap, you’ve been luckily forgot.”

  The Dormouse winced at his view and sadly replied

  “But can’t you stop it?” “Oh, I’ve tried and I’ve tried,”

  The Doctor he vowed, “I’ve used charm and persuasions,

  I’ve even faked up an alien invasion.”

  “But red and blue really want to wipe out each other,

  Cities, families, mother against mother

  They can’t even agree on what they’re fighting for

  They just thirst for more, more of this stupid, stupid war.”

  “It’s said,” ventured the Dormouse, “It began in Heaven,

  Great battles among giants raging in the skies.

  What’s happening here is just poison in the well

  As those arguing gods turn creation into Hell.”

  The Doctor he sighed. “You’re well informed for a mouse,

  Permit me to suggest a lovely change of house.

  My ship’s over there, we shall reach it with ease

  And I promise you it offers just roomfuls of cheese.”

  The Doctor and the Dormouse, they went their sad way

  And left battle behind them without further say.

  Bombardments, and screams, oh the two sides they skirmished

  Plenty of atrocities (blue) and victories (red).

  And so the planet fell, its life force at an end

  But at last, at least, the Doctor had made a new friend.

  THE MARA

  Into the woods went the girl.

  She knew mother didn’t want it, so.

  “Shall we talk?” said the snake.

  “But I’m a good little girl. No!”

  “I fear we will,” smiled the snake.

  “Are you really so very good?

  That’s not what I think

  Or why would you walk in the wood?”

  The little girl did not reply.

  “Life is full of reasons Not To,

  Don’t Touch and Don’t Ask Why.

  This is where I agree with you.”

  “But my chick, it doesn’t have to be

  Just hold out your hand and

  Look at me.

  Look at me.

  And each other we’ll understand
>
  Splendidly.

  No, look at me.

  Look

  At

  Me.”

  The young girl came out of the woods

  Eventually

  And her mother she was waiting.

  “What’s This? How dare you disobey!”

  She was really shouting.

  “Good girls know not to go that way!”

  “Why just look at your knees

  Bad things happen to girls

  Who climb up trees!

  And what have you done to your curls?

  “There’s monsters lurking in those woods

  I warned you for a reason

  I want to keep you good

  Innocence is a short season.

  “My sweet, you are in quite a state

  Let’s clean you up ’fore you go wild.”

  “Mother you’re too late,”

  And then the hungry girl, she smiled.

  SHORTNESS OF BREATH

  Tainted Love and chips,

  Sunshine on her lips,

  Red wine and Women Wept,

  Pass the port Harriet,

  Amazing ears, lopsided grin,

  Always feeling the Earth’s spin,

  Vinegar and bananas,

  Captain Jack’s Pyjamas,

  England in the Blitz,

  High tea at the Ritz,

  Kronkburger and Pajatas,

  Genghis Khan and Blue Peter.

  One brave weather balloon,

  Poor old Moxx of Balhoon.

  Lynda with a Y

  Jackie Tyler’s shepherd’s pie.

  Even Auton Plastic

  These things are fantastic.

  Coleslaw and pickled onions,

  Zombies in Cardiff dungeons.

  Cassandra, Metaltron,

  Dickens left the gas on.

  Bad Wolf or Dalek Scheme

  Are you my Repeated Meme?

  The Mighty Jagrafess,

  Adam’s weird new face,

  The Emperor Dalek’s fleet

  And my two left feet.

  Bad Wolf and Clive’s Shed

  Those walking undead.

  Perfect Brides and Nestenes

  Over-active nanogenes.

  Slitheen romancing

  Have we done dancing?

  The fear of the loner

  Never going to Barcelona.

  Surviving war galactic

  These things are not fantastic.

  Fantastic or not

  They all meant

  A lot.

  ODE TO A KRYNOID

  (after Pooh’s Good Hum)

  The more it snows

  (Diddley-dum)

  The more it grows

  (Diddley-dum)

  The more it goes

  (Diddley-dum)

  On killing.

  And nobody knows

  (Diddley-dum)

  As it flowers

  (Diddley-dum)

  And it devours

  (Diddley-dum)

  If there’s a way

  (Diddley-dum)

  Of it stopping.

  (Oo-ee-ooo)

  TO HER COY DOCTOR

  Had we but world enough and time,

  This coyness, Doctor, were no crime.

  We would sit down, and think which way

  To turn the pace of our love’s day.

  But that, alas, will never do

  For I well, my love, know you.

  Or else we’d sail on time’s tides

  Fighting love’s war ’pon both sides

  Me quicksilver’d like a Rutan

  You steadfast as Sontaran –

  I’d be slick of wit, sylph of form

  You like a grape in Benidorm.

  Our loves approach from diff’rent routes

  Yours often tangled where mine shoots.

  My heart falls for each shifting face

  As you grow wise and tall in grace

  No mind which course our bodies send

  A Library’s where we start and end.

  Our middle’s where we most agree

  A muddle’s what the others see.

  True, though I do kill you at the start

  It’s you who bore me through the heart.

  Sometimes we blaze like Perseids

  I shout your love from Pyramids.

  Others, you’ve aeons to say your love

  But would rather talk about your glove,

  Its touch doubtless tender, but still

  Leaves not a smudge on windowsill.

  You tread time and leave no traces

  Beyond a truce twixt warring races.

  Though my dear holds me in prison

  One touch frees me with oblivion.

  From the crash of the Byzantium

  To the towers of Derilium

  Our race is one long arc of fun

  For some it’s just a Demon’s Run.

  I’d give my age to your every part

  And the last breath should speak your heart.

  I’d chase you cross Mutter’s Spiral

  I’ll make our love nano-viral

  No matter where it is you hide

  My path draws me ’ventually to your side.

  Remember this most certainly

  That feelings fill eternity

  For at my back I always hear

  Your blue box roaring near.

  And yonder all behind us lie

  Seas of wasted opportunity.

  Give up my love, give in to fate

  It’s sometimes not the girl who waits.

  Let’s forget for once our duty

  And gather up in arms our beauty

  For though our days hold to the sun

  It’s yet our nights that see us run.

  CHRISTMAS ON MARS

  Why does it never snow on Mars?

  I’ll find it out for my memoirs.

  Martians I’ve met come from when it’s cold

  I guess they must be jolly old.

  Mars has had a change in climate

  It all depends on how you time it.

  Some find that good, others couldn’t be sorrier

  Such as, my old chums, the Ice Warriors

  Azaxyr, Varga, Sskel, Turoc,

  Izlyr, Slaar, Ssorg, Zondal, Skaldak

  Fellows of fine noble mettle

  Though with names like angry kettles.

  No wonder they do hiss and shout

  When there’s so little ice about

  It’s one thing when with the stars you’ve warred

  To come back and find your home world’s thawed

  Perhaps it’s only time who really knows

  Why on Mars it never snows.

  SKIPPING SONG

  (after ‘Hoppity’)

  Hippity-hoppity

  To the shoppity

  Goes Jackie Tyler!

  Hoppity-skippity

  From the market

  Jackie comes home.

  The phone it has not rung.

  The phone it has not rung.

  Is her daughter still alive?

  Hoppity-hop!

  * * *

  Bouncity-bounce

  Through space

  Falls Katarina

  Gaspity-gasp

  Struggling to breathe

  Poor Katarina

  Will her god rescue her?

  Will her god rescue her?

  Well, gods like sacrifice

  Sighs Katarina.

  * * *

  Whizzity-whizzity-whirr

  To the Conversion Chamber

  Goes Yvonne Hartman

  Buzzity-buzzity-slice

  The drills aren’t quite nice

  Thinks Yvonne Hartman

  I did my duty

  I did my duty

  Oh god.

  * * *

  THE GALACTIC COUNCIL

  Twelve men went to mow

  Went to mow down all creation

  A badger and a Christmas Tree

>   And one was called Celation.

  Twelve men went to mow

  Went to mow down all creation

  A badger and a Christmas Tree

  And one they called Celation.

  With the help of Mavic Chen

  And a full emm of Taranium

  They went to mow down all creation.

  Twelve men went to mow

  Went to mow down all creation

  A badger and a Christmas Tree

  And one they called Celation.

  Plus Malpha, Beaus, Warrien

  Then Sentreal with Mavic Chen

  And PS that full emm of Taranium

  They went to mow down all creation.

  Twelve men went to mow

  Went to mow down all creation

  A badger and a Christmas Tree

  And one they called Celation.

  Plus Malpha, Beaus, Warrien

  And Sentreal, and Mavic Chen

  With Trantis, Monsieur Gearon,

  Plus don’t forget that full emm of Taranium

  They went to mow down all creation.

  Twelve men went to mow

  Went to mow down all creation

  A badger and a Christmas Tree

  And one they called Celation.

  Plus Malpha, Beaus, Warrien

  And Sentreal, magic Mavic Chen

  Jane Trantis, groovy Gearon,

  AND the Fifth Galaxy’s Zephon,

  (Sadly having to give it a miss

  Was the Embodiment Gris).

  And you won’t forget that full emm of Taranium!

  They went to mow down all creation

  I think that’s nearly all

  The members of that delegation

  (But we can never be quite sure

  Due to archival obliteration)

  But

  (one more time)

  There’s a badger, a Christmas Tree

  And one they called Celation.

  Plus Malpha, Beaus, Warrien

  And Sentreal, then Mavic Chen,

  With Trantis, oh and Gearon,

  Plus the Fifth Galaxy’s Zephon,

  And never ever forget that full emm of Taranium.

  This lot went to mow down all creation.

  They were good to go,

  That lethal delegation

  But when they went to mow,

  Went to mow down all creation

  The Daleks they didn’t know

  And met total Extermination!

  JOSEPHINE GRANT

  (after ‘Jonathan Jo’)

 

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