by Amy Brent
As I scanned through the wedding pictures, I noticed how I was smiling. I think my eyes were telling a different story – a story that I was not too happy – for reasons not known to my own self!
David seemed older to me, even though he was only 35 when I was 25. People whom we would meet for the first time often thought that I was his daughter. I would feel bad for David and would want to give everything to get his faded smile back. This was mostly when I would initiate physical intimacy without being so much emotionally attached to him. With time, I got used this. I think I fell in love with him as well – though still not sure!
When Ben was born, I had matured a lot, and the age difference only proved to be an illusion.
There was one more thing which worried me; David had a congenital heart disease. There was no exact day when was he going to die, but it was certain that he wouldn’t go grey. So in the beginning it was a rough ride, but after a while I reconciled myself to the situation and accepted that love comes in many shapes. I thought that ours was based on patience, devotion and respect: the cornerstones of a genuine relationship. Not one with sparkles and blaze. Honesty warmed and fueled our marriage every day, or at least I thought so.
The Mystery Woman Investigation
When I became a widow, all my colleagues gave me their deepest condolences and it meant so much to me. But since the time I’ve discovered the treasure box, every time they mentioned David, it felt like a sting. This discovery shook my world. The terrible secret was undermining our marriage without me knowing about this lady, who was in the picture for God knows how long. I was curious to understand the role that she played in my husband’s life.
I couldn’t let my pain affect my work performance. As an accountant I fought my battles with the digits every day, and I stayed overtime to check my calculations twice. I needed my job to provide to my son, so concentration was a must. And I admit, these endless hours of overtime kept me sane. But after three months, I felt that I suppressed too much, and I no longer knew, who that stranger was in the mirror.
Every day I met Maggie during the lunch break at the company cafeteria. She worked at the same company as I did, but on the HR department.
Since she was extremely social, I assumed she knew a lot more than me about the complex relations between people. I wanted advice on the manner in which I should handle this dark secret.
Three days later, I narrated to her my adventure with the washing machine which ended up leaving a total chaos in my head, bearing a heavy burden of questions and doubts.
‘So besides the money, I found a picture..’
‘A picture?’
‘Yes, David and a sexy woman – hand in hand…’
‘What?’
‘In fact, there was a poem written for this woman…’
‘What?’ Maggie dropped her jaw. The food in her hand ended up on the floor. I looked for a napkin to buy some time. She started shooting questions at me.
‘And have you found out, who this mystery woman is?’
I shook my head as an answer.
‘But Susan, what makes you think that this wasn’t a first love thing?’
‘If it was, then we missed the invention of time travel. On the back page I found a date. According to that, we had been married for around three years by then and just moved to DC.’
As Maggie was thinking for a while, she reminded me of Mr. Watson. All her questions seemed like a dialogue from a Sherlock Holmes story.
‘What if she is someone from the neighborhood?’
‘Well, I did a little research about that. I went around in our area and knocked on every door. I made up question as an excuse.’
‘What was it?’
‘How would you feel about joining to a social gardening program what I’m planning to start?’
‘And? What did you find out?’
‘No one looks like her, but I’ve learned that people are very much into gardening. So there’s a chance that I might organize a community garden.’
Maggie laughed. She knew I was a disaster when it came to gardening.
‘Okay, and what if he met her at one of the shops he owned?’
‘Good question, I also thought of it, so I visited the shops, too. He had only one female shop assistant, but it’s hard to imagine that it was her, only if she had a face surgery and started a massive fat gaining diet. And as for the customers… well, I cannot track everybody who’d once bought a toaster in the shop.’
We both sighed. I got tired of the subject.
‘Anyway, what difference does it make if I find her or not? I don’t want to learn new things about my husband from a stranger. Whatever happened, he kept it as a secret, until his death. Let’s leave it this way.’
‘I think you’re absolutely right. As far as I know, he was a nice person and a loving husband. Also don’t forget that thanks to this marriage, you have a wonderful son! Besides, you are still young and you can start all over with a clean slate.’
‘I wish I would know what a clean slate is.’
Love Is a Dangerous Business
The pollens must have been the reason why my allergy kicked in with such an awful power that I had to bring my emergency drug pack with me to work. The kit contained: pills, nose spray, eye drops, wipes, a cream for the irritated skin and even a pipe, if breathing became difficult. When my coworkers discovered I have such thing, they made funny comments about it:
‘This sells you not just a good employee but as a loyal customer of the pharmaceutical company.’
Or my other colleague said: ‘If you were wearing a pantsuit, you could even disguise yourself as a pharmaceutical agent and walk in to any clinic to sell drugs.’
But I didn’t care about this. It was a sunny and cheerful morning. During breakfast Ben told me that he had a new love interest. He didn’t tell me her name, because as he said ‘gentlemen don’t brag about private life’, as if he had a private life ever. As he stuffed his face with muesli, he also let me know that this little princess was actually so popular; that there were waiting lines for her since kindergarten, so it was just about time for her to spot him at the green monkey bars. I asked him, how he would define love. And I loved his answer: ‘Love is when you eat fries, which is your favorite, and then comes a girl who you hated the last week, and suddenly you want to give your fries to her.’ Then he added, ‘Of course an eight year old man wouldn’t make such a mistake. But still, love is a dangerous business.’
I was giggling the entire morning about how wise my boy was, and since he was in love and happy, somehow the world seemed a friendlier place, even shinier, as if somebody had lightened the colors with a magic brush.
This called for a celebration. I opened up my drawer and looked at my clothes with different eyes today. Usually I wear pastels, mild tones, but a turquoise silk blouse caught my attention. I paired it up with white trousers and white shoes. It balanced out my red nose and watery eyes.
‘Not bad!’ My reflection said in the mirror. ‘Not bad at all.’ I answered to the woman.
Digit By Digit We Make the World A Better Place
At the office my desk was covered with bills, receipts, contracts and statistics, but none of them could spoil my mood – not even my annoying colleague, who looked black as a thunder almost every day –today was a different day for her too! It was the graduation ceremony of her youngest son, so she brought apple pies for everyone to celebrate.
I wondered if life can offer a better gift than success of their children.
While I was waiting for Maggie at lunch break, I started to read a book. I’m not a fast reader, but an engaging story sucks me in easily. So when she called my name, her voice seemed very distant, and I had to force myself to look up from the book.
‘Hello Susan!’ A man stood next to her. ‘Let me introduce you my cousin, Alex.’
‘It’s lovely to meet you, I have heard a lot about you.’ he said.
Alex was about six feet tall, and he had clear-cut
features, but with the perfection of youth. It was obvious he couldn’t be older than twenty-five. I noticed a scar on his right cheek, but when he smiled, his charm faded the scar away. There was a wondrous glow in his greenish eyes which tempted me to gaze into them.
‘Pleasure to meet you. Please, sit down.’ I said and forced myself to look at Maggie instead of Alex.
They put their plates on the table. I was wondering why the man had visited the company since we didn’t really have guests during working hours, but Maggie gave me the explanation without asking.
‘Alex is going to join our organization next Monday. Today was his job interview.’
‘Congratulations! And which job have you applied for?
‘Sys Admin at the IT Department. Now you must be thinking I’m a real winner here, sounds like the most exciting job in the world.’ Said Alex, laughing. His laughter was similar to Maggie’s, but louder, somehow more ‘free’.
‘I have only a vague guess what that is,’ I answered. ‘But as an accountant I don’t judge anyone how exciting their work is.’
‘Well, at least we share a passion for numbers.’
‘Yes, digit by digit we make a world a better place.’ I answered.
Maggie was very suspiciously quiet, but after a while she started to tell family stories about their upbringings. Although I enjoyed listening to her sharing memories, it made me feel lonely. I missed the concept of having a family. It must have showed, because she quickly changed the subject:
‘Alex, did you know that Susan is about to start a community garden?’
Alex seemed surprised. I was, too.
‘Oh, I didn’t know gardening is your hobby.’
I didn’t know it either, and I darted an angry glance at her.
‘Well, I’m not an expert in it, but the other day I asked around in the neighborhood and people were fascinated by the idea.’
Alex’s face lit up. ‘It is a wonderful idea! Gardening was always very dear to me; it always puts my heart at ease.’
Maggie ignored my signs and joined in keenly: ‘Maybe you could help her to manage this little garden!’
‘Sure! It would be an honor to be part of such a phenomenal idea!’
I didn’t know what to answer; I just stared at my food and hoped they didn’t see me blush. Deep in my heart I was excited for the sudden turn and confused if it was right to feel this way. I was about to start a community garden with a young man who I barely knew. I thought to myself, it was time to buy some gardening books.
That night, after I tucked Ben to bed, I felt something different – I had this funny urge to speak to Alex. I lifted my phone and remembered – we had not exchanged numbers!
Ooops… but why was this feeling coming to me? I was not supposed to get involved. It wouldn’t be fair to David. And it wouldn’t be fair to Ben….
I took a shower and retired to bed. I couldn’t stop thinking about Alex, and had no clue why!
My fingers instinctively moved over to my lips, gently caressing my lips and then slowly moving under the skin of my grey satin nightgown, over to my breasts. I stroked my nipples and moved down south, just near my navel. I allowed my fingers to move all over, teasing my breasts and then my navel – slow teasing circles – once again, over my breasts…..left breast…right breast….navel….oh….I wanted to be touched all over!
I did not know when my fingers started deeper exploration – they moved inside my black panties and were exploring my mound, trying to open the lips. My outer lips were plump and smooth.
‘You are so tight in there…,’ I remembered David say. But immediately my thoughts drifted to Alex.
‘Oh…. I want you to feel my tightness, Alex….’
My hands removed my panties, allowing me a freer access and I bent one leg up to my bottom. My fingers stroked my mound, which was so receptive. It had been six long months….
I noticed the pressure of my fingers increase as my hips moved violently and my back swayed rhythmically.
My fingers continued to pleasure me….back and forth….deeper….harder…oh….it felt so good…
I was so close….. really close…
I could hear myself saying – ‘Alex, Alex…would you take me!’ I had no clue why I was saying that.
I continued to move my hand in rhythmic motion….deeper…harder…stroking my mound……pleasuring me all over ….and finally came… all this while thinking about Alex!
It felt amazingly good – after such a long time.
But thoughts about if it was right to feel that way about Alex kept me awake.
Bullies Come In Pairs
Ben’s grades improved day by day. I was very proud of his bright answers and cheerful comments. He told me he wanted to be an environmental engineer when he grew up, so he could do something really really good for the future of the planet. I had no clue from where he had heard about this profession, but it showed that his heart was at right place. I also noticed how much he’d grown lately.
Of course some sadness was still left behind; I caught him sobbing sometimes but he had to mature too much in the previous year. The loss of a loving father, his role model, comes with confusion and lack of self-confidence. As far as I knew, the little princess still gave good books to Ben, but when one day he came home with scratches on his face, I got scared that the terror of the bullies was about to start again. And I wasn’t far from the truth.
‘Ben, what should I do with you? Do you want me talk to the teachers again?’ I told him as I cleaned his wounds.
‘Please don’t do that! They already mock me with being a mommy’s boy. I said just because I’m half-orphan, it doesn’t mean that I’m a chicken.’
‘Half-orphan, mommy’s boy, chicken… My dear, are you sure that your school….isn’t it hell?’
Ben laughed with delight. Jokes; you can buy any kid with a good joke.
Of course the incident was still on my mind when I met Maggie and Alex at lunch. The young man joined us every day since he’d been working here. He was open-minded and interested. I wanted to ask for advice since I had no male friends and my dad was sick at that time.
‘Alex, please, tell me your opinion about bullies.’
‘Bullies at school? Do you mean the Hollywood version?’
‘No, I mean those terrible redhead twins who are terrorizing my boy, Ben on a daily basis, and it seems that everybody is helpless when it comes to the lovely off springs of an influential diplomat.’
‘Okay, I get it, so you ask me seriously. It’s natural between boys to have dominance wars. How old is he?’
‘Eight. He is higher than the average but he is so skinny. When it comes to these spoilt daredevils, who munched bacon in their cribs, he has no real chance, even less when it is two against one.’
‘I know the feeling. The boys in my school used to call me Spare ribs, because I was thin as a rake.’
I found that very amusing to imagine us when we were kids. I already knew that Maggie’s nickname was Pale face and mine was Melon-grower – I think it doesn’t require an explanation. But instead of mentioning this lovely detail from the past, I told him what I’d learnt from bullies over my school years.
‘It’s obvious that if you aim the weak, you’re playing the game not to become the victim. So I guess, they have weak spots, too.’
Maggie added: ‘I remember how much it hurt when they called me Pale face. It forced me to see that I’m physically different from the others. But eventually I accepted myself and I’d grown into my own skin, I love how I look.’
‘You look awesome, Maggie, for a mommy of two. And your right, no one can bully us anymore. I would trade all my problems for a ten years old, chubby boy with megalomaniac tendencies. Let’s make it two! But for Ben it’s crucial to fight his own battles and I want to help him. So Alex, what’s your advice?’
‘Since I’ve been both sides of the punching hand, I can tell you, there are some very useful survival techniques.’
‘Such as?’
Alex rested his chin on one hand as though deep in thought. His eyebrows formed dark waves above his glowing eyes. He was a real thinker but he was flesh and blood, and sat on a simple plastic chair instead of pedestals.
‘Let’s see! If your bully is a beefcake, then you must challenge him on an intellectual level. But never during class, because then you’ll be labelled as a nerd. The best is if you set up a trap for him, which gives him an opportunity to show his tyrannical powers, but in fact it reveals one of his weak points; he peed his pants in kindergarten, he was left in a parking lot as a toddler and so on. A bully is extremely sensitive to these traumatic experiences and public shame is the best cure against them. While he desperately tries to save face, eventually his own stupidity will defeat him. Just be sure, that you are not within a striking-distance.’
‘And what if you are out of trap ideas, and you are forced into a fight?’
‘Then you fight!’
‘Come on, I don’t want my son to come home every evening with brand new bruises!’
‘No, no, it’s a one-time thing!’ Alex said on a very deep, calm voice which indicated that he was experienced in this matter. ‘If a child learns a few martial art moves, it bursts his self-confidence. Believe me even the weakest kid can defend himself with a few tricks in his pocket. If you want, I can show a few to Ben once.’
I hesitated. I felt that something in his voice that made my heart beat faster and I was not sure if I was allowed to feel such things. Ben, on the other hand was in great need for a man’s care, so I agreed him to meet over the weekend for a little training. So, what if this man was the bad body in my office!
On that night I again had dreams like I’d never had before -
‘So, tell me Susan….eh….ok….you know what…you are an incredibly sexy woman! I am sure you have heard this a million times,’ Alex smiled as he examined my pink straight skirt and black satin top.