‘Yeah, you do,’ Matt continued, ‘ginger fella, big beard. Everyone calls him Scotch Jimmy.’
‘Is he Scottish, then?’
Matt laughed. ‘No! They call him Scotch Jimmy ’cos he’s always four parts pissed. I was surprised when he rocked up at the gym last week – I thought he was dead. Anyway, he said he’d heard some rumours about Egan coming back for Dad’s funeral. He reckoned it was all a load of crap but thought he ought to mention it. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.’
‘So, Egan hasn’t actually said anything to you himself, then?’
‘Nope.’
I was relieved – it was obviously just the rumour mill at work. Egan couldn’t be so stupid as to think that we had a million pounds stashed away.
‘If he was after money then he would have said something when he was here – he had the perfect opportunity the other night, but he didn’t say anything.’
‘No, he didn’t,’ said Matt, ‘that’s why I said don’t worry about it, Abs. It’s just people gossiping and hoping to stir up some trouble, that’s all.’
We both went back to sipping our beers in silence for a while.
‘I’m still finding the whole thing pretty hard to comprehend, though,’ I said eventually.
‘Which bit?’
‘You know, Dad as gun-toting bank robber and all that. Doing Egan’s dirty work. It’s just not the way I remember him.’
‘I thought you said that you didn’t remember him.’
‘I don’t, not really. It’s so confusing, I can’t really explain it. I don’t think I’m basing this on actual memories… it’s more like… I don’t know… more like just a feeling, I suppose.’
‘You can’t be that surprised, Abs. You remember what it was like growing up around here. Everyone was up to something a bit dodgy – that’s how most of ʼem made ends meet.’
It was true, we hadn’t grown up in some suburban idyll. I knew about people like Aunty Pat, the lady who lived across the road and always had a kitchen full of stuff she would flog to people. You couldn’t move in there for boxes of knock-off tracksuits, dodgy designer perfume or cheap cigarettes. Whatever you wanted she had it, or knew someone who could get it for you, at a price. But to me that all seemed like harmless stuff, not even close to the kind of crimes that could put you away for twenty years. I took a mouthful of my beer, but it just made me feel sick. I slid the bottle across the table to my brother. He raised an eyebrow at me.
‘Is this ʼcos I implied you had a drinking problem yesterday?’ he said with a smirk.
‘Oh, piss off! I need to keep a clear head, for the rest of today at least, just in case any more ghosts from the past appear downstairs.’
‘Speaking of which – was that Jack I saw at the service?’
‘Yes, it was. Did you know he was coming?’
‘Nothing to do with me, sis, I swear.’ Matt had started on my beer; that was three down in the space of about twenty minutes.
‘Did you see where he went after the service?’ I tried not to sound too interested in Jack and his whereabouts. I obviously failed as my brother gave me a knowing wink.
‘Nope, sorry, Midget,’ he said, standing up and ruffling my hair.
‘Hey, leave off! We need to get downstairs – people will think we’ve abandoned them.’
Matt nodded. ‘It’s all ancient history now, you know, Abs, all this business with Dad and whatever he did. It’s all over.’
I gave him my best reassuring smile but deep down I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was far from over.
Chapter 20
Matt and I came back down into the café and he headed straight out to the kitchen, no doubt in search of more beer, I figured. The room was packed with people, most of whom looked about my parents’ age. I recognised a few of them – I even spotted good old ‘Scotch Jimmy’ over in the corner by the makeshift bar, a giant man with a ginger beard and rosy cheeks. He saw me watching him and he raised his glass. I nodded and smiled and then turned my attention back to the room. I knew who I was looking for – Jack – but he wasn’t there. In my heart of hearts, I knew he wouldn’t be, but I had to admit – even if it was only to myself – that I had hoped he would come. I guess my rejection had done the trick; he’d obviously come to the funeral just to be polite. Move on now, Abigail, it’s done with, I told myself. I felt a hand at my elbow and it made me jump.
‘Steady up, girl, it’s only me,’ Flo’s voice reassured me. I turned, feeling the familiar comforting warmth that her presence always gave me, and gave her a weak smile.
‘You’re a bit jumpy. What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing, nothing. You surprised me. What are you doing lurking about behind me?’
‘Just keeping me eyes out.’ She gestured to the room full of mourners. ‘Look at ʼem all. Bloody rubberneckers. None of ʼem came near or by when your mum was alive. Wouldn’t have given her the time of day but here they all are – scoffing bloody sausage rolls and guzzling the free booze!’ Her little body was shaking with barely contained fury by the time she’d finished speaking.
‘It doesn’t matter now, Flo,’ I said, gently. ‘She’s at peace. They can’t hurt her anymore.’
Flo reached up and gently touched my face. ‘You’re right, I know. Doesn’t make me any less angry. Here, come with me.’ She took me by the arm, across the café and over to the counter at the back. Once there, she dragged a chair over and, using the counter to steady herself, she climbed onto it.
‘I have something to say,’ she shouted. All heads turned in her direction and I realised that sweet old Florence was a little bit drunk. Lucy came to stand beside me.
‘What’s she doing?’ she whispered.
‘I have absolutely no idea.’
Flo took a minute to gather herself, took a swig from her wine and then started to speak.
‘I just wanted to say, on behalf of my dear departed friend Esther, that you lot…’ Flo stabbed a finger in the general direction of the crowd ‘… are a bunch of two-faced arseholes!’
There were some general murmurs coming from around the room, but most people were doing their best to try and ignore her. Flo was undeterred.
‘You come in here, all of you, taking advantage of the catering, when you know as well as I do that you abandoned my friend and her children when they needed you the most. None of you were there for her, none of you!’ Flo gesticulated wildly, sloshing her wine about all over the place.
‘Flo, stop. Come down before you hurt yourself.’ I reached up and tried to take her arm but she shrugged me off.
‘No! This needs sayin’…’
‘I’m sure, but maybe not right now,’ I hissed. People were turning their backs, trying to ignore the crazy old bat on the chair.
‘I wouldn’t cross the road to piss on any of you, even if you was on fire!’ she yelled and then drained her glass. Jesus! How much had she had?
‘All right, that’s enough now, Flo.’ My brother appeared and gently lifted Flo down from her perch. ‘What would Mum say if she could see you making such a show of yourself, eh?’
‘Like I said, it needed saying. They need to know what they did. None of ʼem are innocent. Look at ʼem – all looking down their noses!’ She made another move to try and get back on her soapbox, but she was thwarted by Matt, who held her around the waist until she stopped trying to jump back onto the chair.
‘Just calm down,’ he said gently. ‘It’s all over and done with.’
Flo sagged against my brother, drained from the effort of her little outburst. Matt guided her to another chair and lowered her down. He put his arm around her shoulders and sat beside her.
‘Mum knew who her friends were, Flo. She always knew. Nothing else matters now, does it? She’s at peace. With Dad.’
She smiled weakly at him. I sat on the other side of her and took her hand.
‘You don’t have to fight Mum’s battles for her anymore. Or ours. We’re big enough to take care of ourselves
.’
She patted my hand and looked at me, tears filling her eyes.
‘I know. It’s just hard for me to stop after all this time,’ she said, quietly. I realised then that she must have been exhausted from all those years of hiding things, protecting me from the truth. I also knew that she was waiting for me to tell her that I understood and that I forgave her for her part in the deception that had surrounded me for so long.
‘It’s all right, Flo. I know it all now. Everything. I think I’m even starting to understand why Mum did it.’ Even as I said the words I knew that I didn’t believe them – not quite yet. But my need to believe was outweighed by Flo’s need to hear me say them.
‘I’m so sorry, Abigail,’ she said, earnestly. ‘I wanted to tell you so many times but your mum… well, you know how she could get. She was always so fragile. I had to be so careful with her.’
‘It’s done now, over with. I just want us all to move on.’ I looked across to my brother. He nodded and I gave Flo’s hand one last reassuring squeeze before I stood up.
‘Now then, let’s get you a cup of tea and maybe a couple of sausage rolls to soak up some of that booze.’
*
Two hours after Flo’s little outburst, there were only a few diehard mourners left in the café. People had started to drift away once they were sure there wasn’t going to be any more entertainment. I’d shaken hands, been hugged and kissed by random people and accepted everyone’s condolences, with a gracious smile. I’d done a fine job of keeping it together when all I’d wanted to do was tell everyone to fuck off. Flo had left about an hour ago; Scotch Jimmy had offered to walk her home. He was quite the gentleman, as it turned out, despite the drink problem.
Liz and David had started clearing up, rather obviously removing cups and plates from around the stragglers, trying to get them to take the hint and go. I should have been helping but I didn’t have the energy.
I went through the kitchen and out of the back door, into the little yard behind the café. I leaned against the wall, grateful to feel the solid brick behind me; it made me feel grounded and safe. I tried to focus on my breath, in and out, slow and steady. I’d been fighting the tears all day, wanting to appear strong and capable, but I’d had enough.
Lucy appeared at the back door looking concerned. I plastered on my best smile and tucked my impending breakdown away for later.
‘You should just go up to the flat. We can finish clearing up down here,’ she said.
‘I’m all right, love. Just a bit tired, that’s all.’
‘I know what you mean. I didn’t know half the people in there today. I couldn’t help feeling that they all knew lots about us.’
‘It would seem there are plenty of people who’ve always known more than they ever let on.’ I sat on the back doorstep and patted the space next to me. Lucy sat down.
‘You mean Flo and Uncle Matt, don’t you? He’s been moping around for the last hour. He’s had quite a bit to drink too.’
‘He’ll be fine. We all just need to get through this horrible day and then we can move on.’
‘Can we?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘All that business with that bloke at the funeral. Egan. What does he want?’
‘Nothing,’ I lied. ‘There’s nothing here for him now that Dad’s gone.’
‘I can’t believe Grandad worked for him. Who knew our family was so interesting?’
‘Oh, Lucy.’
‘What? It’s not like he’s around to get offended. I just think it’s amazing that you seem to have grown up totally oblivious to it all.’
‘I don’t think I was totally oblivious. I was fifteen. I wasn’t a baby. I knew he’d gone away and I knew enough to know it was bad. I thought he’d run off with another woman, or something. That was the story I told myself. I filled in the blanks with something that my childish brain could understand.’
‘Wow. And you never thought about him?’
‘I was a teenager – teenagers have short memories. Life moved on and other things became more important. Like you.’ I nudged her shoulder. Looking back, I could see that all of my memories were coloured with the stain of what my relationship with Mum became. So many fights about curfews and coming straight home from school and now I knew why. If she kept me at home she could control who I saw and what I heard. Every decision she’d made had been based on her need to hide the truth, and it had been those decisions that had made me hate her. I’d hated my mother. The guilt of admitting that settled like acid in my belly and made me feel sick. I felt as if I was losing my grip. As if I’d fallen down the rabbit hole and I was stuck in a weird alternate reality; a life made up of completely different versions of everyone I thought I knew, including myself.
I could feel a sense of foreboding twisting itself around my insides and making its home in the pit of my stomach. I knew there was more to come; I could sense it. I wasn’t ready for it. I wanted a rest, a break from the nagging questions that were spinning around inside my skull. I only knew one way to do that without the need for major surgery. ‘I need wine,’ I declared.
‘Okay, I can sort that. Are you coming back inside?’
‘Not yet. Can you just bring it out here for me?’
‘Okay. But I’m sending Auntie Liz out here to sit with you. I’m not letting you get pissed and depressed all by yourself.’
‘Fine, if that will make you happy, then go get Liz.’ She nodded, pleased with herself, and gave me a swift peck on the cheek before dashing inside. I didn’t want any company, not even Liz, but she hadn’t given me much choice.
I leant forward and rested my head in my hands. My eyes were starting to hurt. Maybe wine wasn’t such a good idea after all, I thought. Then I heard glasses clinking and someone sat beside me on the step.
‘Thank fuck for that, I need a…’
Jack was sitting beside me, brandishing two glasses and a bottle of wine. A strange mix of feelings rushed through me: joy and surprise, tempered with a healthy dose of annoyance.
‘Mind if I join you?’ he asked.
All I could manage in response was an exhausted-sounding, ‘Why?’
‘Why what?’ he asked, opening the wine and starting to pour.
‘Why are you here? Why do you want to join me? You can answer whichever one you want. I don’t care.’
He handed me a glass of wine and I downed it in one, then held it out again for a refill. He raised an eyebrow. Idiot.
‘I know you think I have a drinking problem. Matt told me all about your little visit before you left.’ He started to speak but I cut him off. ‘I don’t have a drinking problem and even if I did what the fuck does it have to do with you?’ I jabbed my finger into his chest and slopped a bit of wine down myself. ‘You don’t get to come back here and pretend that you care after what you did.’
‘After what I did? What the hell did I do?’ he exclaimed. ‘You told me to go so I did. That was your choice, Abigail, not mine!’
‘I don’t like ultimatums, Jack. You made it very clear that unless I was willing to have sex with you then you didn’t see a future for us, not even as friends. You made that decision, not me!’
‘Everything all right out here?’ Liz appeared behind us at the door. ‘I thought I could hear shouting.’
‘It’s fine, Liz, everything’s okay. Jack and I were just catching up, that’s all.’
Jack twisted his body round to face a flustered-looking Liz. ‘It’s nice to see you again, Elizabeth. Although I must say I’m surprised. The last time we met you insisted that you didn’t know Abigail that well at all.’
To her credit, Liz didn’t miss a beat. ‘Yes… well… just looking out for my friend, that’s all. I’m sure you understand. Abby is very special to me. I would do anything for her.’ Her defiant declaration of loyalty made Jack smile. He raised his glass.
‘Very admirable, Elizabeth. And I completely agree. Abigail is very special.’ He turned back to face me and I felt my
self blush. Bloody hell, how old are you, woman? Stop it.
‘I’m glad we understand each other, Jack. I’ll just leave you two to “catch up”, then, shall I?’ She mouthed the words ‘Oh my God’ behind Jack’s back, giving me a thumbs-up sign before she ducked back inside. It made me smile and I went back to sipping my wine.
‘A smile? Wow, haven’t seen you give one of those in a while.’
‘It wasn’t for you.’
I could feel the warmth from Jack’s body radiating through mine as we sat so close together on the back step. All I would have to do was lean my head on his shoulder, I thought to myself, and I knew that would be enough for him to start our little dance all over again. I didn’t do it. Jack poured himself a large glass of wine.
‘Are you driving?’ I asked.
‘No. I got my driver to bring me back here. He can pick me up later, when I’m done.’
‘When you’re done? Done with what? ʼCos you’re certainly not “doing” me if that’s what you’re thinking.’ God, what an arrogant bastard! Arrogant he may be but at least he’s honest about it, I thought. Don’t pretend you haven’t been sitting here imagining what would happen if you let him take you upstairs; don’t be a hypocrite Abigail.
He held up his hands in mock surrender. ‘I didn’t mean anything by that. I just didn’t know how this—’ he gestured between us ‘—would pan out, that’s all.’
I eyed him warily.
‘Scout’s honour,’ he says.
I wasn’t convinced. ‘I thought you were back in America?’
‘I was. And now I’m not.’
‘Are you here for work, then?’
Jack looked at me. ‘I’m here for you.’
‘Me?’
‘I thought you might need a friend, so I came.’
He made it all sound so simple. If only it were. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say, so I changed the subject. ‘Must be nice to be able to fly off around the world at a moment’s notice.’
‘Where do you want to go, Abigail? Tell me and I’ll take you there. Right now.’
He was serious. Bloody hell. ‘Don’t be silly, Jack. I can’t just leave… I…’
Secrets and Tea at Rosie Lee's Page 21