‘What do you mean?’ I was confused.
‘To be careful with his heart. He’s trying so hard to just be your friend, like you asked. But he wants so much more, Abby, and I’m worried that you’re going to hurt him. Being in love with someone who just wants to be friends is a horrible thing to have to go through.’ Lexie looked down at her cup and I saw her shoulders sag a little.
‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you?’ I asked.
Lexie didn’t answer – for a minute I thought she hadn’t heard me. She picked up her cup and took a sip of her green tea. Placing it back down, she said, ‘Yes, I’m in love with him.’
Part of me wanted to leap up and punch the air – I’d been right all along! I wasn’t imagining it! But that urge was dampened by the sight of the unhappy young girl sitting across the table.
‘Does he know?’
Lexie shook her head. ‘God, no. He sees me like a little sister, I think. In his eyes I’m still the same awkward thirteen-year-old he met at a Labour Day picnic ten years ago. Any hopes I might have had about that changing someday were shot to pieces the day he saw you again,’ she said, smiling sadly.
I felt awful; what had I done to this poor girl?
‘I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt… I never meant…’ I mumbled out an apology until Lexie reached across the table and grabbed my hand.
‘That’s why I’m here. To tell you that there’s no hard feelings. To tell you not to use me as a reason not to be with him. He had no idea how I felt about him. I’d got very good at hiding it. And let’s face it, men can be a bit slow to pick up on the signals sometimes.’
I laughed. ‘That’s true, but I can’t believe he didn’t see it at all.’
‘He’s a good man, Abby, a kind man. He’s not the type of man who would hurt someone intentionally. You can trust him.’
‘I know.’
‘And if he has to be with someone else, I’d rather it be someone like you. Someone he can love and share his life with. Better that than some of the gold-digging floozies that have cosied up to him in the past.’
‘Really?’
Lexie rolled her eyes at me dramatically. ‘Hell yeah. Some of them were awful. Luckily, they never stuck around that long – once they realised that he was in a strictly monogamous relationship with his work, they all gave up.’
‘He works a lot, doesn’t he?’
‘Yes, of course, that’s why he’s so successful. But hey—’ she squeezed my hand ‘—that’s not something you need to worry about. I can’t see Jack letting you play second fiddle to anything. He really cares about you.’
I didn’t know what to say; Jack and I were just friends, nothing more. Sensing my discomfort, Lexie sat back in her seat and assessed me for a few seconds. After a while she said, ‘You can’t use me as an excuse to keep him away any more, Abby. I will always be Jack’s friend, and I’d like to be a friend of yours too, but you’re the one he loves. I think you need to ask yourself why you aren’t willing to love him back.’
Was that true? Had I exaggerated their relationship in my own mind, as a way of keeping him at arm’s length? Of course you bloody well have! screamed my common sense. I was more than a little ashamed of the fact that I’d just been so accurately second-guessed by a girl twenty years younger than me. Lexie took another sip of her tea, before pushing the cup away and standing up.
‘If you don’t want to be with him, that’s up to you. Only you can answer that. Just do me one favour?’
‘What’s that?’
‘Don’t mess him around. Be honest. In these situations I’ve found it’s always better to be up front.’ She hoisted her bag onto her shoulder. ‘How much do I owe you for the tea?’
‘It’s on the house,’ I replied.
She nodded and walked over to the door. As she reached the handle she stopped and turned to face me.
‘Who knows? Maybe if I’d taken my own advice and been honest with Jack about how I felt, things might have been different. For all of us.’
A cold feeling washed over me as I contemplated the implications of that. What would have happened if Jack had been with Lexie when I met him again? I knew enough about myself to know that I would never get involved with someone who wasn’t single. Didn’t I? As if she’d read my mind Lexie said, ‘Or perhaps not. I can’t help feeling that there’s a kind of inevitability about your relationship with Jack.’ She looked around at my café. ‘Like coming home.’ She pulled open the door and left.
‘She gone, then, has she?’ Flo appeared beside me and took the cup from my hands. ‘She hardly touched her tea. I tore me bleedin’ favourite magazine to get that teabag out. And for what?’ Flo walked away grumbling to herself and I followed her back out to the kitchen, where I plonked myself down onto a stool.
‘Everything all right, love? You look a bit peaky. Can I get you anything? I hear wheatgrass is very good for you,’ she said, in the worst American accent I’d ever heard. We both burst out laughing. I could hardly breathe, I was laughing so hard. It felt good. I couldn’t remember the last time something had made me laugh so much.
‘Er, hello? Could I get a cup of tea, please?’ The voice of a customer at the counter interrupted our fit of giggles.
‘All right, hold yer horses. I’m coming.’ Flo rolled her eyes at me and went out to serve him. I wiped away my tears with the hem of my T-shirt and just sat there. I felt weird. The conversation with Lexie had unsettled me. Despite her telling me about Jack’s feelings, there was a part of me that still doubted her story. Young girls liked to romanticise; I’d seen it plenty of times with Lucy. They hadn’t been round the block enough times yet to realise that happy endings like that belonged in the movies, not real life. Although I was sure now that there wasn’t any kind of romantic relationship between Lexie and Jack, I still wasn’t convinced that it meant Jack and I had a future together.
I tried to focus on wiping down the workbench in front of me, scooping crumbs into a pile before walking over to the sink to drop them in. As I rinsed out my cloth and watched the water drain away, I reached what I felt was an important decision: just being friends with Jack was still the better plan. Did I mean better or safer? Was I still hiding? I shook away my doubts; I knew I was right. Being friends was just going to have to be enough. For now. Maybe. Definitely. God! Why couldn’t I make up my bloody mind? Oblivious to my inner turmoil, my brother chose that moment to walk into my kitchen and put two containers, very gingerly, down on the workbench in front of us.
‘Well, there they are.’
I looked at him quizzically. ‘Who?’
‘It’s Mum and Dad. Their ashes are in there.’
‘What’s all this?’ Flo stepped back into the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron.
‘It’s Mum and Dad,’ said Matt.
Flo picked up one of the jars. ‘Bloody hell!’ she exclaimed. ‘Are you sure they gave you the right ones? Esther didn’t weigh this much when she was alive, let alone now she’s just ashes!’ She plonked the jar back down on the table. ‘I think they’ve squeezed someone else in there with her!’
I started to laugh again; I couldn’t help it. It felt so liberating and I didn’t want to stop. My brother’s serious face brought an end to my nonsense.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked.
‘Yes, I’m fine. Sorry. Just being childish. I’ll try to stop,’ I said, stifling another giggle with my hand. Matt shook his head at me, like a disapproving parent.
‘Are you still up for doing this today?’
‘Doing what?’ I coughed to cover up the last of my giggles.
‘Scattering the ashes on the river. Off the Woolwich Ferry. Remember? We said we’d do it today.’
‘Yes, I can do it, it’s fine.’ I didn’t want to put it off. It had to be today. I didn’t feel as if I could move on until it was done.
‘Have you had breakfast yet, Matt?’ Flo asked.
‘Nope. Are you gonna make me
one of your egg and bacon butties before I go, you gorgeous woman?’ He gave Flo a little nudge on the shoulder and she whacked him with the nearest tea towel.
‘Behave yourself. Go and sit your fat arse out there and I’ll bring it over to you.’
Matt leaned down and gave her a peck on the cheek before he left. Grabbing a newspaper off the counter, he took a seat by the door and started to read.
I was left in the kitchen looking at the two plastic jars of ashes. They were the same shape and size as the sweet jars that used to sit on the shelf in the local newsagent’s, but these containers were made of burgundy plastic and thankfully you couldn’t see what was inside. And we’d got to drop them off the back of the Woolwich Ferry; the whole thing was bloody ridiculous but it was what Mum wanted. God only knew what my Dad wanted but he wasn’t really in any position to argue about it; he was getting flung over the side with her and if there was such a thing as heaven then they could scream at each other about it for the rest of eternity. For my part, I just wanted to get it over with, so I wasn’t about to question the plan.
‘Knock, knock. Can I come in?’ Jack’s voice dragged my attention back to the kitchen. He was leaning against the doorway and looking gorgeous, as usual. He was wearing a blue suit and white shirt but no tie; leaning nonchalantly against the door frame, he looked like something out of a menswear catalogue.
‘The lovely Florence said I could come straight through, but you looked deep in thought. I didn’t want to startle you.’
‘Hey, Jack. It’s okay, you can come in. Say hi to the parents.’ I gestured to the jars on the table. Without a word, Jack came across and pulled me into his arms; I felt like a fraud. I should have been more upset, but I didn’t feel anything. What was in those jars wasn’t my parents – it was just dust. I had about as much emotional attachment to it as I did to the contents of my vacuum cleaner.
‘I’m fine. There’s no need to fuss, Jack.’ I pushed myself away from him, a tricky thing, since being in his arms was a nice place to be. Just friends, Abby, I reminded myself, you’re just going to be friends.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course. What brings you here anyway? Shouldn’t you be working? Adding more zeros to your bank balance?’ I hopped off the stool and busied myself stacking plates in the dishwasher. I knew he was watching me; I could feel it.
‘Being your own boss means you’re free to take off whenever you like. Fancy coming to lunch with me?’
‘Can’t. Sorry. I’ve got to go with Matt and scatter… those.’ I gestured towards the urns. ‘We’re taking a little trip across the Thames on the ferry. Mum’s final wish.’ I slammed the dishwasher door closed a little too fiercely and heard the plates rattle inside.
‘Take it easy, Abigail, you’ll break something. We can do lunch another time, okay?’
‘Sure.’ We stood there awkwardly for a minute and then the silence was broken by my brother’s voice. He was talking loudly to someone on his phone as he walked into the kitchen.
‘What the fuck? How did that happen? Well, who left it on all fucking night? Jesus!’
Jack looked over to me. I just shrugged.
‘Fine, I’ll sort it. Yes… I said I’d sort it, all right?’ He jabbed his finger on the end call button and let out a frustrated howl.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked.
‘Bloody cleaner left the tap running in the utility room at the gym. It’s been on all night! The water’s pouring through the ceiling. I’ve got to go and sort it. We’ll have to scatter ashes another time, I suppose.’
I hated that idea. ‘No. Can’t someone else sort the ceiling out?’
Matt gave me a sheepish look. ‘To be honest, Abs, I wasn’t really looking forward to doing it.’
‘What do you mean? You’ve been banging on about how it’s so important because it’s what Mum wanted. Now you’re telling me that you never wanted to do it?’
He shook his head. ‘The idea of shaking their ashes out of those jars gives me the creeps a bit. I mean, what happens if the wind changes and they blow in the wrong direction? I don’t want to end up with a face full of our parents.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. ‘For a big bloke, you really are a pathetic bloody wimp, do you know that? I’m not going to do it on my own. I’ll look like a loony, leaning over the side of the ferry. They might think I’m a terrorist scattering some sort of biological weapon over London.’ Even as I said it I knew it sounded ridiculous, but I was desperate. My brother was smirking slightly, which just enraged me even more. I slapped him across the shoulder. ‘I’ll bet you planned this. I wouldn’t put it past you to flood your own gym, just so you can get out of it.’
‘Don’t be daft, Abs. This is going to cost me a fortune to fix. Why would I do that?’
He came over to me and rested his hands on my shoulders. ‘Do it for Mum and Dad, Abby. Please? Just do this one last thing for them.’
That was a low blow; I pouted for a bit then nodded and he kissed me on the forehead.
‘Thanks, Abs. Maybe Lucy could go with you?’
‘She can’t. She’s out with friends.’
‘I’ll come with you – I mean, if you want,’ said Jack.
‘There you go, Abs, problem solved. Jack can go with you, just to make sure you don’t get dragged away by the police or whatever.’
‘But…’
‘Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later. Sorry.’ He was gone before I could argue anymore. Bloody idiot.
‘Where’s he off to in such a hurry?’ Flo appeared at the kitchen door, clutching a plate. ‘I made him a sandwich.’
‘Emergency at the gym, apparently.’
‘That’s the second time this morning that someone’s buggered off before they’ve finished what I’ve made for ʼem. Here, you have it.’ Flo shoved the plate at Jack. ‘You look like you could do with some proper food.’
He took the plate eagerly. ‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘What’s with all these bloody Americans in ʼere this morning?’ Flo muttered, walking back out to the counter. Jack had pulled up a stool and was devouring Flo’s special egg and bacon sandwich.
‘This is awesome,’ he cried, biting into the thick white bread, leaning over the plate as the egg yolk broke and oozed out of the sandwich. He was getting in quite a mess. I should probably fetch him a napkin, I thought, but I couldn’t seem to stop watching him eat. The look of pure pleasure on his face was very distracting, and when combined with the murmurs of satisfaction that kept spilling from his mouth, well, it was a weirdly compelling sight. I’d never thought I could get turned on watching a man eat a sandwich but, apparently, I was wrong. Stop it, Abigail, just friends you said, remember? I grabbed a cloth, in an attempt to distract myself from his amazing mouth and handed it to him.
‘Thanks.’ As he took it from me our fingers touched very briefly. He held my gaze for a few seconds, until I pulled my hand away and moved over to the other side of the workbench. I suddenly felt very warm and I was breathing very fast. Jack wiped his mouth and hands with the cloth without taking his eyes from mine. A sudden image, of the two of us writhing around on my kitchen workbench, popped into my mind and I gasped. I had to slap my hand across my mouth to prevent any more telltale noises escaping, and Jack smiled.
‘Everything all right, Abigail? You look a little… flustered.’
I was very grateful that Jack couldn’t read minds. Oh, Christ – the whole ‘just friends’ thing was never going to work unless I could train my brain and my body to stop betraying me.
‘Just waiting for you to finish your breakfast so we can go. I’m going to get my coat. You can wait there, or outside, whatever. I’ll be right back.’ I opened the door that led up to my flat and took the stairs two at a time. Grabbing my coat from the hook by the door, I caught a glimpse of myself in the hall mirror. My cheeks were flushed and my eyes were shining. Pull yourself together, woman, you are not a horny teenager, you are a grown-up. A gro
wn-up who is perfectly capable of being just friends with a man. Admittedly he was an incredibly sexy, charming, sweet, kind and funny man, but he was just a man nonetheless. I gave myself a thorough talking-to in the mirror and returned to the kitchen, confident that I had my traitorous psyche well under control.
That feeling lasted for all of two seconds; I walked back into the café to find Jack helping Flo bring in a tray of bread that had just been delivered. He’d taken off his jacket and I could see the outlines of some very well-defined muscles in his arms and back. His shirt was stretched tightly across his very fine form and, as for his arse, god help me.
‘Ain’t he lovely, Abby?’ Flo declared. ‘Such a gent.’
‘What? Yes… er… very helpful. Thank you. Um… right… well… shall we go?’ I threw my coat on, grabbed the urns and then headed through the café and out of the door; Jack had to run to catch up with me.
‘Hey, wait up.’ He dropped into step beside me, not even slightly out of breath, I noted, and gently steered me towards his car. ‘I don’t think Florence really needed my help, but she was kind enough to let me feel wanted.’
‘That’s very nice of her. She’s very sweet.’
Jack laughed – I loved that sound. ‘I don’t think sweet is quite the word I would use but she’s definitely a character. And she adores you.’
I smiled. ‘The feeling is entirely mutual. I don’t know what I’d do without her, to be honest.’ I didn’t want to think about that – I’d lost enough in the past few weeks. I knew it would happen one day, I wasn’t stupid, but the thought that I might be standing there holding her ashes in an urn at some point made me feel anxious and scared. I shivered slightly and Jack put his arm around my shoulders.
‘Are you cold? Here, get in.’ He held open the car door and I got in, placing my parents in the foot well.
‘Will they be okay there?’
‘They’re not going anywhere. They’ll be fine.’
He closed the door and I took the opportunity to snatch another look at him as he walked around the car. No harm in looking, so long as he didn’t catch me, I reasoned. I watched him pull out his phone and he tapped in a number. By the time he got into the car, he was talking to someone.
Secrets and Tea at Rosie Lee's Page 23