Secrets and Tea at Rosie Lee's

by Jane Lacey-Crane

  ‘What the bloody hell have you two been nattering about for so long?’ asked Lucy.

  ‘The future,’ I said as I filled my glass and sat down.

  ‘I’ll drink to that,’ said Lucy, raising her glass.

  Liz was still watching me carefully as she sipped her wine. I mouthed the words ‘I’m all right’ to her across the table. She winked at me before reaching across to grab some cutlery. ‘Right, then, pass me a bloody fork. I need more cake!’

  *

  Later, after everyone had gone, I was lying in bed when my door opened a crack and I saw Lucy’s face peering in.

  ‘Can’t sleep?’ I asked.

  ‘Nope. Can I get in with you?’

  I pulled back the covers and she dived into my bed. She rested her head on my shoulder, and for a few minutes we just lay in that position in silence. When she was little she’d gone through a phase of sneaking into my bed every night, but she hadn’t done it for a long time. I’d wake up to be confronted with her little face close to mine, breathing lightly. I hadn’t minded really, but all the parenting books had said it shouldn’t be encouraged so I’d tried to stop her from doing it; admittedly I hadn’t tried that hard. To tell you the truth, I’d liked the company and it hadn’t been as if I’d needed the space for my vast array of lovers.

  ‘Liz told me about the engagement rumours before she left. I think she thought I should know in case you had some sort of meltdown about it.’ She pulled her head out of the crook of my neck and watched me through squinty eyes.

  ‘Are you?’ she said. ‘Going to have a meltdown, I mean?’

  ‘No, love, no meltdown. It’s better this way.’

  ‘I’m not going to pretend I understand – all seems a bit sudden to me – I just wanted to make sure that you’re all right with this new development.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I reassured her. She nodded and then went back to lying down. She was quiet for a long time; I thought she’d gone to sleep but I didn’t move. I wanted to make this moment last for as long as I could. Then she sat up, suddenly.

  ‘I’ve got you a present. I was going to give it to you tomorrow, but I’ve changed my mind. I want to give it to you now.’

  ‘For me? Okay.’

  She got up and pulled a small parcel out of the pocket of her dressing gown. She handed it to me with a shy smile on her face. ‘It’s nothing big, just something that might help you when I’m not here, to give you a cuddle at the end of a crappy day.’

  ‘You’re going to make me cry.’ The parcel she handed me was wrapped in brown paper and it felt soft. Intrigued, I pulled at the sticky tape. Two big brown plastic eyes and a bright red felt flame, poking out of the end of a green snout, appeared as I unwrapped the paper; it was Poncho the dragon.

  ‘That’s why I needed to find him so badly. He was always there for me when I needed him and now I want to leave him here with you. Is that silly? Do you hate it? I can get you some slippers or some chocolates, or both, if you want.’ She looked like my little girl again, eagerly handing me over the latest creation she’d made at school, wondering if I really liked it.

  ‘I love it – it’s perfect. Thank you.’ I pulled my daughter into my arms, and we both started to cry.

  ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, Mum, I really don’t. What if I hate it there? What if everyone else hates me?’ she sobbed.

  ‘That’s not possible, Lucy. You’re the most beautiful, kind and generous girl I know. You have a magical gift for making everyone around you feel special and once people see that they’ll love you as much as I do.’

  Lucy wiped her nose on her sleeve.

  ‘Now, you’ve got a long drive and an early start in the morning. You should try and get some sleep.’

  ‘All right. Night, Mum.’ She didn’t get out of my bed, she just snuggled down under the covers and I tucked her in tight.

  ‘Night, beautiful.’

  I lay beside her and tried to sleep but I couldn’t. My mind was too full of questions – none of which I had any satisfactory answers to. Lucy was leaving in the morning – how was I going to cope with that? I didn’t know. My business was dying on its arse – how was I going to fix that? I didn’t know. Jack was gone but I still didn’t really know why – should I call him and demand an explanation? I wasn’t sure. I was doing okay, though, wasn’t I? I hadn’t melted into a puddle of my own tears and refused to go on. No, I’d kept going. What choice did I really have? None as far as I could see. At that moment my life was like a playground roundabout – spinning fast and out of control. I had no choice other than to hang on for dear life until it eventually slowed down.

  After half an hour of staring at my bedroom ceiling, questioning practically every choice I’d ever made, I got up and made myself some tea.

  Chapter 27

  ‘Mum, Mum, wake up.’ Lucy was shaking me gently by the shoulder. I sat up with a start; I must have fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room. I could remember making myself a cup of tea and then going in there to sit down but not much after that.

  ‘Ouch, my bloody neck,’ I grumbled, rubbing it to try and loosen the kinks.

  ‘Here, I’ve made you a fresh one.’ She handed me my ‘World’s Greatest Mum’ mug.

  ‘What time is it? What time…? Ow… shit, my neck… I need to get ready.’

  ‘There’s plenty of time. Fleur’s coming to pick me up at ten and it’s only half eight now, don’t stress.’

  ‘Okay… well, I still need to get dressed and brush my teeth so I can come down and wave you off.’ Getting up from the sofa, still clutching my life-restoring cuppa, I wandered down the hallway to my bedroom. What kind of outfit is suitable for saying goodbye to your only child forever? I mused. Don’t be so bloody melodramatic woman. She’s going to Bristol, not Mars. Jeans and a T-shirt will suffice. I threw my clothes onto the bed and was just heading to the bathroom when there was a knock on the front door.

  ‘Lucy, will you get that, please?’

  ‘Will do.’

  I heard her open the door and speak to whoever was there and then the door closed. I switched on the shower over the bathtub and held my hand under the water as the ancient plumbing in the flat creaked and grumbled to life. Once the water was reasonably warm I stripped off my PJs and climbed under it, letting it flow over my head and into my eyes and ears. I stood there, deaf and blind in the cascading water, for a few minutes until I was shocked by a sudden rush of cold air; Lucy had yanked back the shower curtain.

  ‘Bloody hell, Lucy! What are you doing?’ I rubbed the water out of my eyes; some of yesterday’s mascara must have leaked in because they started to smart. I shut off the water and reached for a towel. ‘I’m trying to have a shower. What’s the big panic?’

  ‘This just came, Mum. A messenger brought it. I had to sign for it – it’s for me.’ She was holding a big white box. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel.

  ‘Who sent it?’ The steam had cleared a little and there was no mistaking the familiar Apple logo on top of the white box. What the hell?

  ‘I don’t know. I’m going to open it.’ She rushed out of the room, with me following behind, down the hall and into the kitchen. She put the box on the table and we both stood for a few seconds just looking at it.

  ‘Well, it’s not going to explode if we open it, is it?’ she said, slowly lifting the lid. ‘Fuck me! It’s a brand-new MacBook.’

  I had to resist the urge to tell her off for using that kind of language. That ship had sailed long ago.

  ‘Isn’t there a card or anything?’ I said, examining the box more closely.

  ‘I don’t think… no… yes… look, there’s one here, tucked inside.’ She pulled out a small white envelope with her name written on the front.

  ‘Do you think it might be from Dad?’

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, although I was pretty sure it wasn’t. Martin wouldn’t have been able to get hold of something like that unless he’d stolen it. O
h, Christ, please tell me he hasn’t sent our daughter a stolen laptop, I panicked.

  ‘Mum, it’s from… it’s… blimey… really?’ Lucy was staring in amazement at the card in her hand. Impatiently I took it from her since she’d obviously been rendered incapable of coherent speech at that moment. The card was made from thick, expensive-looking paper. It was edged in black and had the initials ‘JHC’ printed in the top corner. JHC – why was that sending all the alarms in my head haywire? Then I read the message. In a confident, sloping hand it said:

  For Lucy, I hope this will be of some use to you. With much love and luck, Jack Chance.

  ‘Fuck me!’ It was my turn to swear. What on earth did he think he was doing?

  ‘This is awesome!’ she cried, lifting the thin and gleaming computer from its box. ‘Fleur is going to be spitting chips when she sees this!’

  ‘You can’t keep it, Lucy. It’s too much. He hardly knows you… no… it’s wrong. You definitely can’t keep it.’

  She looked crestfallen. ‘What? Why? That’s not fair!’ The whiney tone of adolescence crept back into her voice for a minute.

  ‘You know we can’t accept this, Lucy. It’s not right. It must have cost a fortune.’

  ‘But, Mum…’

  ‘No buts, Lucy, it’s going back. You can write him a nice little “thanks but no thanks” letter. All right?’

  She put the computer back in its box with a petulant, ‘Fine,’ and then turned and stalked away.

  I was so angry. How dared he do something like that? Like what? Like something so unbelievably kind and generous? No! It wasn’t generous, it was controlling and high-handed. I could have had that little argument with myself all day, but my inner ramblings were interrupted by the ping of my phone in the living room. I could hear Lucy banging about in her room, muttering swear words under her breath; no doubt cursing her sheer bad luck at having such a total bitch for a mother.

  I found my phone tucked down between the sofa cushions. I must have dropped it when I fell asleep there. I swiped the screen and saw that I had a text message. My stomach started churning as I read.

  I’m sure that right about now you’ll be trying to decide how best to return my gift but please don’t. It’s a present from an old family friend, nothing more. Take the bloody computer Abigail, Lucy deserves to have the best. Jack

  I stared at his name at the end of the message. How did he know that I would want to return the gift? Because he knows you, you bloody idiot. He probably knows you better than anyone else. I pushed those thoughts away. He was right, though, Lucy did deserve to have the best, and it wasn’t as if he couldn’t afford it, was it? I took the box to Lucy’s room.

  ‘Here,’ I said, holding it out to her. ’You’re right. It was a gift meant for you – you should have it. Jack wants you to have it.’ Lucy ran over and grabbed the box and then grabbed me.

  ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you! Mum, this is bloody awesome!’ She kissed me and ran back to her bed to open her present. As she pulled out the laptop she looked up at me for reassurance.

  I nodded. ‘It’s fine, Lucy, really, go ahead.’ She clapped her hands together excitedly and then opened the top of the computer. I decided to leave her to it.

  ‘Don’t get sidetracked by your new toy. Are you ready to go when Fleur gets here?’

  ‘Yep, deffo. I’m all sorted. Mum, can you give me Jack’s number so I can send him a message to say thanks?’

  ‘Don’t worry about it. I’ll do that for you. I have a few things I need to say to him myself anyway.’

  ‘Be nice, Mum,’ she warned.

  ‘Always.’

  I went to my room and sat on the bed; seeing Jack’s name had taken all the air out of my sails. I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm my racing pulse. Stop being so ridiculous, I told myself, just send him a quick message to thank him and then that will be the end of it. I composed my reply and then deleted it so many times; everything I wrote came across as either trite or cold. I couldn’t seem to make the words convey the right message. Maybe because I didn’t know what the right message was. Maybe you should just call him then, said the voice in my head that liked to encourage me to do stupid and pointlessly destructive things. Thankfully, my sensible self kicked in, just in time to help common sense prevail. No phone calls. But I still needed to thank him for the computer. I tried again with a message that I hoped sounded casual but still grateful.

  Lucy says thank you for your generous gift. She’s very happy.

  I didn’t put my name; I figured it was unnecessary. Within seconds the phone pinged with a reply.

  And what about you Abigail? Are you happy?

  Why wasn’t he asleep? Surely it was the early hours of the morning in the US? I didn’t want to start a conversation with him, so I typed back what I hoped was a polite, but terse, response.

  Yes, thank you. Everything’s great. Can’t talk – just waving Lucy off now.

  There, that should do it. Ping! Oh, bollocks!

  Tell her I said goodbye and drive safe. I’m glad you let her keep the computer.

  I will. Congrats on your engagement BTW. Hope you and Lexie will be very happy. Bye Jack.

  Within seconds the phone started to ring in my hand. I threw it down onto the sofa. I thought about answering it, but I stopped myself. If I really didn’t want to have a conversation with him then I didn’t have to, did I? My life, my choice. I ignored the phone and walked out of the room.

  *

  It rang about a dozen times before I eventually switched it off.

  ‘Someone really wants to get hold of you,’ said my brother.

  ‘I’m busy.’

  Matt raised an eyebrow but said nothing; instead he finished heaving the last of Lucy’s things into the back of Fleur’s little car. ‘Right then, missy, that’s you all packed up and ready to go.’

  ‘Thanks, Uncle Matt, couldn’t have done it without ya!’

  ‘Too right you couldn’t – some of your shit weighs a ton!’ He chuckled.

  ‘Maybe I should follow you up,’ I said suddenly. ‘Help you unload at the other end.’

  ‘I’ll be fine, Mum, honestly. It’s better this way – can’t have you sobbing on the kerb outside the halls of residence, can I? Way too embarrassing.’

  ‘Yeah, don’t worry about it. I’m sure we’ll find some fit blokes to give us a hand if we need it!’ said Fleur, poking her head out of the driver’s side window.

  ‘That’s what scares me.’

  ‘Stay away from fit blokes, Lucy – they’re nothing but trouble. I should know!’ said my brother, with a wink. He gave her one last final massive hug. ‘Seriously, if anyone gives you any grief, you just let me know.’ She nodded and then turned to me.

  ‘You mind how you go, okay? Drive safe.’ I said this last bit more to Fleur than to Lucy and she gave me a reassuring wave.

  ‘No sweat! Come on, Lucy, we need to get going.’

  Lucy smiled at me and I started to feel the tears pricking my eyes. I began to chew the inside of my cheek, hoping to distract myself.

  ‘Well, that’s it, then, I guess. Here I go!’

  ‘It’s going to be great, I just know it. Make sure you enjoy every minute, but don’t forget to study as well.’

  ‘I will, Mum, I promise. Thank you, for everything.’

  I waved off her thanks with a casual, ‘It was nothing.’ But she was intent on making her point.

  ‘I mean it, Mum. I know what you’ve sacrificed for me, how hard you had to work to keep us afloat after Dad buggered off, and I want you to know I’m so grateful. You’ve taught me so much – you’ve taught me how to work hard and about the kind of woman I want to be. When I grow up I want to be just like you, Mum.’

  No amount of cheek-chewing was going to stem the tide of tears that were threatening if she kept talking like that.

  ‘Oh, Lucy, my little girl. When did you get to be so grown up?’

  ‘I learnt from the best.’


  That did it; I was done for. ‘I didn’t want to cry,’ I said. ‘I wanted you to think I was strong.’

  ‘You are strong, Mum, crying doesn’t change that. I love you.’

  ‘I love you too.’

  With one last squeeze, she slipped out of my arms and made her way to the car. When she reached the door, she opened it but stopped before she got in.

  ‘Call Jack! Have a life. You don’t need to worry about me any more so have some fun for yourself!’

  ‘Go!’ I shouted back. She laughed and climbed in. I watched the car as it pulled away and I didn’t stop waving until it disappeared round the bend at the end of the road.

  ‘Is it too early for a drink?’ asked Matt.

  ‘Nope. Somewhere in the world it’s already cocktail hour. That’s good enough for me.’

  I slipped my arm through my brother’s and we walked back to my flat.

  Chapter 28

  I woke the next morning feeling like crap; I lay there, staring at a crack I’d never noticed in the ceiling. It was weird; I’d been by myself in the flat before but this was different. However alone I’d been then, I’d always been comforted by the fact that I knew Lucy would be home eventually. This was different; I was on my own.

  Matt had hung around for a while yesterday but then left. To be honest, I’d been glad. I’d felt as if he was watching me, making sure I wasn’t about to collapse into a sobbing, snotty heap on the floor.

  I took a deep breath and stretched my arms above my head, mentally taking stock of myself. How did I feel? Was I about to lose the plot? No, I wasn’t; there didn’t seem to be any sign of an impending mental breakdown. I was going to be fine. That realisation hit me like a smack in the face; it buoyed me up with a feeling of strength that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  Pushing back the covers, I swung my legs round and sat on the edge of my bed. The flat was still silent, but it wasn’t scary; in fact, it felt strangely liberating. I had no one to answer to – I was free to do whatever I wanted; I just needed to figure out what that was. I found myself itching to be on the move, to be doing something, anything. I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and dialled.