Kill Me Once, Kill Me Twice

by Clara Kensie

  “Ash.” I whirl around in his arms. “You told me once that if you don’t get the scholarship, you’re going to stay here in Ryland and live down to everyone’s expectations of you.”

  “Yeah…”

  “No one has low expectations of you anymore. Especially not me.” I grip the lapels of his sport coat. “Promise me that if I get the scholarship, you’ll still find a way to go to college and get all those fancy astro-science degrees, and that you’ll still go to Mars. I’ll help you. Just don’t give up, okay? Promise me.”

  He kisses my cheek. “One condition. If I get the scholarship, you will still find a way to go to college.”

  “I promise. But definitely not for accounting.”

  He chuckles. “Good. What will you study?”

  “Aviation,” I say, only half-joking. “I’ve decided that I want to be a pilot. Or a motocross champion. What college degree is that?”

  “You’d win every race.” He grinned. “But what do you really want to do?”

  There are suddenly so many possibilities. I can be anything. I can do anything. “Maybe investigative journalism. Or travel writing. Or archeology. Or anthropology! I want to visit the places I lived in my past lifetimes. Learn about them. Explore. Visit new places too.”

  “Perfect.” He kisses me, then turns serious. “I hope you win. I really do.”

  I glance again at the Summerhayses and know that he’s about to get his wish.

  Mrs. Summerhays stands, and the crowd hushes as she walks to the podium. The reporters hold out their microphones and start their cameras. Ash and I take our seats in the front row, surrounded by our families.

  This is it.

  Mrs. Summerhays is shaking as she unfolds several pieces of paper. She smooths the creases for an unnecessarily long time, taps the edges on the podium to straighten the pages, then taps them again. I don’t breathe. I squeeze Ash’s hand, and he squeezes back.

  She finally finishes smoothing the papers, then she clears her throat, inhales, exhales. “I have a big speech prepared,” she says, her voice high and strained, “but I don’t think I can get through it.” She pauses and wipes a tear.

  Mr. Summerhays joins her at the podium, placing his hand on her lower back. “Then skip to the end, darling.” He moves the bottom page to the top. She sniffs and gives him a grateful nod.

  “Over the past eighteen years, we’ve had many excellent candidates for Lily’s scholarship,” she says, struggling. “But this year was the hardest decision we’ve had to make. It was, at first, an obvious choice. But new circumstances arose in the last month that made our decision an impossible one. Both candidates are…” She looks at Ash and me. “Well, they’re both wonderful and they both deserve to win. We’re forever grateful to both of them. How could we choose?”

  “Maybe you’ll both win,” Ash’s dad whispers to us.

  For a moment, my heart lights up. Wouldn’t that be perfect, if both of us win?

  “We tried to figure out a way to give both candidates the scholarship this year—to double the prize—but because we could no longer accept the annual contribution from our biggest sponsor…” Mrs. Summerhays’s face screws up at the shadowed mention of her daughter’s killer. “…we didn’t have enough money to do that. So in the end, we decided to select the winner based on who we think Lily would pick.”

  Ash takes my hand, brings it to his lips, and kisses it. “It’s you,” he whispers. “It has to be.”

  Mrs. Summerhays lets out a long, long breath. “The winner of the Lily Summerhays Memorial Scholarship is…”

  Everyone freezes. Please, please, please, I pray.

  Mrs. Summerhays wipes her eyes. “Ash Morrison.”

  “Yes!” I cry, jumping up and hurting my ribs, but I don’t care. The crowd hoots and applauds. Vinnie claps Ash on the back.

  Mrs. Summerhays catches my gaze and holds it. I’m sorry, she mouths. Her gaze flickers to Vinnie and back to me.

  I nod at her and smile. I understand. Thank you, I mouth back to her. Lily picked the right one.

  But Ash remains in his seat, stunned and shaking his head. “I don’t want it,” he whispers to me. “You should have it.”

  “Ash Morrison, if you don’t get up there right now and get your scholarship, I will never forgive you,” I hiss. “You’re going to be an astronaut. You’re going to live on Mars! Lily would love that. I know she would.”

  “You sure?”

  “One hundred percent.”

  He kisses me, hard. “I love you. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too.” I pull him out of his seat. “Now go get your scholarship.”

  Chapter Sixty-Eight

  Ever ~ Ten Months Later

  From my back pocket, my phone rings. I drop my shovel into the dirt, wipe the sweat from my brow with my forearm, use my teeth to pull off my gloves, and answer my phone.

  “Hey, beautiful.”

  I snort. “Trust me, Ash, I am not beautiful right now. I’m covered in dirt and sweat and who knows what else. Bone dust, maybe.”

  “But you love it.”

  “I do,” I admit. “I love anthropology. And I love Greece. I lived here for three lifetimes, you know. All ancient times.”

  “That’s a lot of togas.” Ash chuckles. “You also loved Italy last semester. You’ll love Spain next semester even more. And Nigeria after that.”

  “I’m sure I will.” I laugh and swipe some dirt from my Carroll-Freywood Global University hoodie. After I lost the Lily Scholarship, the Summerhayses pulled me aside and offered to give me a loan for my tuition at Griffin University. A loan, they said, that I would never have to pay back, as a thank-you for discovering the truth behind Lily’s murder. I was moved to tears, but I turned them down. I no longer wanted to be an accountant, and I no longer wanted to go to Griffin.

  A few days later, while piecing together Lily’s last days with Principal Duston, he mentioned she had told him that she’d found a maroon Warriors hat in the blue Viper and had hidden it somewhere. I knew where: inside her wooden globe. The Summerhayses gave us permission to retrieve it, and I also retrieved the crumpled-up letter that was hidden inside the globe alongside it. An acceptance letter from Carroll-Freywood Global University. That was where Lily wanted to go to school, not to Griffin, and I realized with a sudden, fierce certainty that CFGU was the school for me, too.

  I applied after the deadline, but Principal Duston made a call, and because of my high grades, they accepted me. And after Mr. and Mrs. Summerhays informed them that I was the girl who solved the Brandon Lennox murders and freed an innocent man from death row, the school gave me a full scholarship. I’m living Lily’s dream after all—and mine.

  I haven’t told the Summerhayses that I was Lily in my most recent past life, but I think they have a feeling. They love me like a daughter in any case. I can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices, when we FaceTime. I love them too. They gave me Lily’s diamond pendant, and I wear it on the chain with my daisy charm.

  Leaving Joey was the hardest part. I miss him terribly, but he’s loving kindergarten and he’s having the time of his life with Dad, who’s ready to start back to work soon at Siegel Freight and Transport as the office manager. The Summerhayses have become Joey’s surrogate grandparents and they spoil him rotten.

  “How’s Hidding University today?” I ask Ash. “Are you calling to tell me your professors are sending you to live on Mars already?”

  “Not quite yet.” He chuckles. “And when I do go to Mars, it’s only to visit, not to live. I’m calling to tell you my dad got promoted at Agri-So today. Assistant shift manager. And he sent me yet another picture of him and Valeri. He loves that cat so much, it’s ridiculous.”

  “That’s awesome about the promotion. Tell him I say congrats,” I say. “Hey, did you get Principal Duston’s wedding invitation? They’re having it on his new farm. Did you know he and Devi scheduled the wedding for this summer just for us, so we can both be there?” />
  “He told me that yesterday. Wanna be my date?”

  “Of course.”

  “I mean, wanna be my date tonight. Today. Right now.”

  “Right now?” I say, confused. “But how…”

  “I’m a pilot, remember? Turn around.”

  I turn, and he’s standing a few feet away, right here in Greece, his dark eyes deep and soulful, his dark hair curling over his shoulders, and holding a bouquet of daisies. “Hey, beautiful.”

  Acknowledgments

  This book was a lifetime in the making. Maybe two lifetimes. I’ve been afraid of falling down the stairs my entire life. I’ve never actually fallen down the stairs, yet my fear of it is almost phobic. I always need one hand free to hold the railing. The sight of a long flight of stairs makes me shiver. The sight of a person standing at the top of the stairs, just chatting casually, is enough to make me grab them and drag them to safety. My friends and family laugh, but the fear is real, you guys. Someone asked me once why I have such an instinctual, visceral fear of falling down the stairs. I didn’t have an answer, so I joked, “Maybe it’s how I died in a past life.” And the idea for Kill Me Once, Kill Me Twice was born.

  I wrote this book on and off for almost eight years. Eight years! It was a passion project and I wrote it for fun, when I had time—which wasn’t often. I’d write a draft, put it away for a few months or years, take it out and rework it, put it away again, until I was finally ready to finish it and share it with you!

  Many thanks to the dear friends who supported me while I wrote this book, especially Liza Wiemer, Heather Marshall, Lynne Hartzer, Sonali Dev, Melonie Johnson, Melanie Bruce, and all the women of Aphrodite Writers and #PortlandMidwest. Big hugs to my insightful editor and friend, Amy McNulty, and infinite gratitude to my cherished author co-op, Snowy Wings Publishing, and our fearless leader, Lyssa Chiavari. Special thanks to Alex Rosario, who is a good friend and also my Subject Matter Expert on carbon monoxide. More special thanks to my friends Mike and Mary Kay, who let me use their hamster’s name in the book. Eternal love to my husband, Glen, who patiently listened to me ramble about the characters and the plot for the better part of a decade. I hope I didn’t spoil the ending for him.

  I still love this book as much now that it’s a finished product as I did when it was a shiny new idea. Ever, Ash, Lily, and Will have a permanent place in my heart, and now that you’ve read the book, I hope they have a place in yours, too.

  About the Author

  Clara Kensie, author of dark fiction for young adults

  …don’t forget to breathe…

  Clara Kensie grew up near Chicago, reading every book she could find and using her diary to write stories about a girl with psychic powers who solved mysteries. She purposely did not hide her diary, hoping someone would read it and assume she was writing about herself. Since then, she’s swapped her diary for a computer and admits her characters are fictional, but otherwise she hasn’t changed one bit.

  Today Clara is an award-winning author of dark fiction for young adults. Her books include Deception So Deadly, Deception So Dark, Aftermath, and Kill Me Once, Kill Me Twice.

  Her favorite foods are guacamole and cookie dough. But not together. That would be gross.

  CONNECT WITH ME

  Want to know when I have a new book? The best way is to follow me on Amazon, Goodreads, and Bookbub. You can leave reviews at those sites too, please and thank you.

  You can also subscribe to my low-volume newsletter, join my Facebook group, The Insiders, and follow me on Twitter.

  The Deception So Series

  Clara Kensie

  Winner of Romance Writers of America's 2015 RITA© Award for Best First Book

  RUN. It’s all sixteen-year-old Tessa Carson has ever known. Hunted by a telepathic killer, Tessa and her family have fled home after home, hiding behind aliases to survive. Her scars are more than just physical, and as the only one in her family without a psychic ability, she lives a life of secrets, lies, and fear.

  After the Carsons flee to a new hideout and take on new identities yet again, Tessa meets confident, carefree Tristan Walker. Their attraction burns fierce, but she runs from him too, knowing their love can never be true when she can’t even tell him her real name.

  But Tristan has secrets as well—secrets that will either save Tessa, or destroy her. The only way Tessa can save her family—and uncover the real reason they’ve been hunted all these years—is to forget everything she’s learned from a lifetime of running away, and run straight into danger head-on.

  Book One in the YA paranormal thriller Deception So series, Deception So Deadly was originally published as the Run to You serial parts 1 – 3, and is the winner of the prestigious RITA© Award for Best First Book.

  "A dark, suspenseful, and romantic ride!" - USA Today

  "The perfect blend of mystery, romance, paranormal thrills, and danger." - Mundie Moms

  "A well-written YA paranormal read, with welcome dashes of thrills and plot twists, Kensie has written a gripping and engaging series that features great family dynamics and the enormity of first love." - RT Book Reviews

  “A thrilling story, packed with twists, secrets, and swoon-worthy romance. I couldn’t read it fast enough!” ~Erica O’Rourke, author of the Torn trilogy (Kensington) and the Dissonance series (S&S BFYR)

  Read DECEPTION SO DEADLY (Book One) and DECEPTION SO DARK (Book Two) today!

  Aftermath

  Clara Kensie

  Charlotte survived four long years as a prisoner in the attic of her kidnapper, sustained only by dreams of her loving family. The chance to escape suddenly arrives, and Charlotte fights her way to freedom. But an answered prayer turns into heartbreak. Losing her has torn her family apart. Her parents have divorced: Dad's a glutton for fame, Mom drinks too much, and Charlotte's twin is a zoned-out druggie. Her father wants Charlotte write a book and go on a lecture tour, and her mom wants to keep her safe, a virtual prisoner in her own home. But Charlotte is obsessed with the other girl who was kidnapped, who never got a second chance at life--the girl who nobody but Charlotte believes really existed. Until she can get justice for that girl, even if she has to do it on her own, whatever the danger, Charlotte will never be free.

  "For all of us who have watched the chilling news of kidnapped females rescued and thought 'There but for the grace of God' and 'How do they go on?'...here is the answer fully imagined, exquisitely written, ultimately triumphant. You will cry all the way through this story but you will not put it down." ~Jennifer Echols, award-winning author of Going Too Far

  "Kensie deftly explores what happens after the supposedly happy ending of a nightmare. But nothing is as simple as it seems--not even the truth." ~April Henry, author of The Girl I Used to Be; Girl, Stolen; and The Night She Disappeared

  "A captivating story of self-(re)discovery, Clara Kensie's Aftermath introduces us to Charlotte, a sixteen-year-old girl trying hard to reclaim her place in a family decimated by her kidnapping four years earlier. Charlotte wants only to catch up to her twin Alexa and live out all the plans they'd made as children, but finds the journey back to 'normal' is not only hers to take. Charlotte is a heroine to cheer for...with gut-twisting bravery and raw honesty, she takes us through that journey--back to the unspeakable tortures she endured in captivity and forward to how those years scarred her family, leaving us intensely hopeful and confident that she will not merely survive, but triumph." ~Patty Blount, author of Some Boys; Send; TMI; and Nothing Left to Burn

  "Delving deep into the darkness of abduction and its 'Aftermath,' Kensie takes us on an unflinching journey of healing, courage, and triumph of the human spirit. Heartbreaking, yet stubbornly hopeful." ~Sonali Dev, author of A Bollywood Affair and The Bollywood Bride

  "Aftermath is a timely, powerful portrait of hope amid tragedy, strength amid brokenness, and the healing power of forgiveness." ~Erica O'Rourke, award-winning author of the Torn trilogy and the Dissonance series

  "Gripping, powerful
, deeply moving, Aftermath is a book I didn't want to end. It's written with such compassion that it will help readers heal. A must-read." ~Cheryl Rainfield, author of Scars and Stained

  A Children's Book Review pick for one of the Best New Young Adult Books, November 2016

  Get your copy of AFTERMATH!

  Look for More YA and NA Speculative Fiction Reads from Snowy Wings Publishing

  All the Tales We Tell

  Annie Cosby

  "A darkly romantic beginning to what promises to be an unusual contemporary YA fantasy series." —USA Today

  She’s filthy rich. He’s not. It’ll take patience, an old woman who thinks she’s a selkie, and one salty-sweet summer on the beach to make them realize what’s between them.

  When Cora’s mother whisks the family away for the summer, Cora must decide between forging her future in the glimmering world of second homes where her parents belong, or getting lost in the enchanting world of the locals and the mystery surrounding a lonely old woman who claims to be a selkie—and who probably needs Cora more than anyone else.

  Through the fantastical tales and anguished memories of the batty Mrs. O’Leary, as well as the company of a particularly gorgeous local boy called Ronan, Cora finds an escape from the reality of planning her life after high school. But will it come at the cost of alienating Cora’s mother, who struggles with her own tragic memories?