Always (Bold as Love)

by Lindsay Paige

  “Will you marry me?”

  My attention turns fully to Jake, and I gulp at the love and passion that he's showing me. His green eyes seem to darken, his lips waiting to break out in a grin, yet his jaw is tight. There's so much joy radiating from him that it's overwhelming. I lean away to sit upright and scoot backwards on the bed, so I may rest my back against the headboard. Jake does the same, seemingly impatient with me and hooks a finger under my chin to force me to look at him.

  "Marry me."

  "How'd you...?” I start, failing to form a question. “Why?" I blurt. My mind is a tornado, swirling round and round with emotions. Panic, confusion, fear, happiness, and love.

  Jake's beautiful smile disappears. "Why? Why not? Don't you want to marry me?"

  Hurt churns in Jake's eyes, which immediately passes on to me. His hands fall from my face, and he stares at his door. For a moment, I hesitate. One thought becomes clear in the gray haze of my mind. This time, it's me who makes him turn his head to look me in the eyes.

  "Of course, I want to marry you, Jake. I'm just trying to figure out where all this is coming from. We still trying to get back on solid ground. Why now?"

  "Sweetness, last night you said that you wanted something stable to lean on. I told you that it was me. I meant that and I wanted to prove that to you. I want you to know that as long as you're with me, I will be there for you. I want to show you that no matter what, I'm here. Always. I want you to know that you are mine for the rest of our lives. Why should I wait another second of my life without you being my wife? Nothing would make me happier right now. You are my heart. Always. I know that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. Marry me."

  Fireworks explode in my heart at Jake's sincere words. Instinct takes over and my lips sweep across Jake's once before a full fledge attack. My skin burns to get closer as my lips part and Jake's tongue plays with my own. After three luscious kisses, I end the kiss. Suddenly, my mind is made. I don't want to worry about anything. For this second, I just want to be happy, and I want to make Jake happy. All too easily I could lose him and that is something I won't allow to happen.

  "Yes. I'd love to marry you, Jake."

  Jake grasps the nape of my neck and lays me down for a kiss, towering over me.

  "Really?" he asks, slightly out of breath, looking into my eyes.

  "Really."

  He tilts his head and laughs softly. “I've been saving money for a while and between that and the money Mom put into a trust before she died, I was able to get you this.” He rocks the ring back and forth on my finger. “When I bought your bracelet, I bought this too. I've been waiting for the perfect moment ever since you regained your memory. Losing you once was terrible; I don't want to lose you ever again."

  "Oh, kiss me already."

  That slightly crooked smile brightens my soul. Jake presses his body into me and kisses me. Slowly. Passionately. His tongue moves hotly against mine, dashing around my mouth playfully. His hands gently hold my neck with his thumbs running back and forth along my jawline. My hands slide down his lean body and we roll over. Leaning back, I look into those green eyes that I love so much. Elation takes me as high as the highest cloud. The air sizzles as I run my hands back up, resting on his shoulders.

  "Jake," I breath carefully. The air is so charged that I'm scared it will explode if I make the wrong move. I'm scared that I'm going to do something to mess this up. There's so much that I want to discuss. My demeanor changes so suddenly, I wish I could've stopped it.

  "What's the matter?"

  "Nothing. I don't want to ruin this moment."

  "Saying 'I don't want to ruin this moment' pretty much ruins the moment, Sweetness. C'mon. You're my fiancée, now. Talk to me."

  "Tell me that again,” I smile.

  "You're my fiancée," he says slowly to enunciate every word.

  My heart smiles, but it quickly slows itself down. "I want you to understand that I don't have any doubts about us. None. Nada. Zilch. I have concerns, and yes there is a difference, about our future. Is it so wrong of me to want some sense of security when it comes to the future? Is it so horrible that I want at least a plan of action?”

  “Let's break this down,” he says. “What do you need to talk about with our engagement?"

  "It's not about marrying you; it's not. It's about having some sort of expectation of what could happen. I only want to talk about our future, Jake. I don't feel secure enough yet. "

  "With us and hockey?"

  “Yeah, I don't feel like we have a plan.”

  “That's because we don't, Sweetness. Not yet.” As quiet as his deep voice will go, he says confidently, "You know that you aren't going to lose me, right? Remember what I've told you. You are my everything. If hockey takes me out-of-state, then you'll just have to come with me. If you want, of course,” he grins.

  “Love, I would follow you to Hell and back if that's where life takes us.” I give him a short and sweet kiss before hitting the next topic. "You said you wanted me to be your wife."

  "And I do."

  "Does that mean you want to get married soon? I mean, what about our parents?"

  "I spoke to your dad a while back. He didn't want me to propose until after college, but he should still be satisfied if we wait to get married until after graduation."

  Clearly content, I nuzzle against Jake and relax. Lightly, he kisses the top of my head.

  16

  Jake

  We lay in silence. My mind is on how happy I am right now. She said yes! A simple three letter word filled my heart with so much joy, and I can't wait for our day. One day, a couple years down the road, Emily will be my wife.

  "Sweetness," I whisper into her hair.

  "Hm?"

  "I love you. Always."

  "I love you too, Jake." Emily sighs. "We should probably get up."

  "Let's lay here for a few more minutes."

  Emily glances up at me and asks once more what I was thinking when I proposed, especially considering the last few weeks.

  “The only thing I was thinking about was how much I loved you. I love you, and I want you mine. Always. Asking for your hand in marriage is terrifying for me. You could easily reject me. It was a risk I was willing to take, though. You're my Sweetness. How could I live my life while wondering what your answer would be? I had to ask.”

  “How could I ever reject someone like you?”

  I don't think she's looking for an answer, but I give her one. “One day, Sweetness, you will see what I see. You could have chosen Conrad or god forbid, Kyle, but you chose me. I'm forever grateful for that.”

  With a soft laugh, she tells me, “One day, love, you will see what I see. There was never a choice to be made. It's true that Conrad is in my heart. But not like you are. My heart is consumed with love for you. My soul is surrounded by love for you. I never chose you over Conrad or even Kyle. You are my heart. You fill every inch of my being. No one has ever made me feel what you make me feel. There was never a question of choosing. It's always been you.”

  I place my arms around her waist and rest my chin on the top of her head. I hold her extra tightly, thinking of what I could say and only one thing comes to mind. My voice is deeper than usual as I mutter, “I love you so much.”

  Emily wiggles and looks up at me. “I love you too,” she whispers as she leans in to place a kiss upon my lips. Reluctantly, we get up and get dressed. As casually as I can muster, I ask her a question while buttoning my shorts.

  “Have you made a final decision on therapy?” I take a deep breath and glance at Sweetness. “Then you can get everything out about your mom and what happened with Conrad. Emily.” I'm slightly worried that I've upset her, but I continue. “Hear me out on this one. Who have you talked to about this?”

  “You. Conrad and Dad too,” she mutters defeated, plopping down to sit on the edge of my bed.

  “And have you told me or anyone else everything?” I ask, slipping on a shirt.

 
; “Well...not every single thing. But so what?”

  “This is obviously still bothering you,” I say quietly, coming to kneel in front of her.

  “Can't it just be that I'm scared? Everyone gets scared sometimes. Why can't that be true for me? Isn't it natural to be worried about these things?”

  “Yes, but Sweetness, you need to talk about it.”

  17

  Emily

  Here Jake has proposed to me, asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and we're back to the subject of my mother. Should I really go see a therapist? Probably. Will I?

  No.

  I'm fine. I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure that my mother has no effect on me anymore, and I'm going to prove that to Jake. I just have to figure out how. I can't lie, though. My heart still believes what my mother told me. My heart still hurts from the abuse. I've been pretending that everything is perfectly fine, when Jake was right all along. Don't get me wrong, I love the boy with all my heart. But sitting here, looking into those green eyes, I realize once more that I've got to do something to push past this.

  I haven't been dealing with it. Jake came along, and I jumped at the opportunity to feel normal again. I thought that if I could fall in love and immerse myself with love, this wonderful, extraordinary piece of life, that I could forget my past.

  I was horribly wrong.

  My past has been festering and molding. It's time that I face it. But how? Part of me wants to tell him everything. Every single thing that happened to me. That's it. That's what I have to do. Worry creases his forehead with my silence.

  “I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry,” I barely whisper. “I feel like I don't deserve to be engaged to you until I get myself in order. I can't marry you knowing that I haven't accepted my past. It would be wrong for me to continue using you.”

  “It's fine, Sweetness.”

  I shake my head to interrupt, but he keeps talking.

  “I hate that I was right. I wanted to be the reason why you are better, but I'm not and that's okay. You feeling better about this is all I want.” Leaning into Jake, he says, “Are you going to see a therapist?”

  “Guess so,” I sigh causing Jake to release a soft laugh.

  All I want right now is the comfort that emits from Jake's body into my own. We sit there in content silence for about ten minutes until we hear Drake bustling about out in the hallway. He knocks, and Jake calls him in as he sits beside me on the bed.

  “Can we go to skating?”

  “Sure.”

  Drake runs out to grab his skates and Jake kisses my temple before finding his own. We are just getting into his car, when Mr. Benson arrives. Jake's jaw clenches and he mutters that he'll be right back as he follows Mr. B inside the house. Jake came home one night after riding around to find that Mr. B left Drake home alone to go get drunk. Sitting in the car, Drake and I can hear the argument thanks to the open driver's door and the front door. Jake is finally having his say with him. Torn between interrupting or waiting, I hear a gut wrenching sound.

  Jake yells in frustration and walks out the door, slamming it as he storms out. My eyes find the source of the painful sound. Jake must have punched a wall because his knuckles are bleeding. Looking up, Jake sees me. His shoulders relax as he keeps coming towards me.

  “Are you okay? Let me see your hand,” I ask as he gets in the car, shutting his door with a bang. Jake doesn't utter a single word. He sticks his hand out, and I look down at his, cradling it in my own. His warm, rough fingers move against my palm. I can feel his gaze on me.

  “Hold on,” I say, reaching into the compartment in the dash. I find a napkin and begin to wipe the blood off gently. “I'm sorry,” I say, practically speaking to his hand. Drake is watching silently from the back seat. I finish wiping Jake's hand while Drake asks if we can get McDonald's for breakfast. Almost scared to look Jake in the eyes to see the anger, even though it's not directed at me, I answer Drake. I release Jake's hand, and he backs out of the drive way.

  We go through the drive-thru and eat on the way to the rink. Drake disappears inside, and I take the chance to talk to Jake.

  “Let's go in with your brother and have fun. No matter what you feel right about now, Drake probably feels worst. If I were him, I would feel as if my father abandoned me for a drink. Maybe you should talk to him.”

  “You're right. I will later. Let's go have some fun,” he finishes as we walk inside. Being back at this place brings a twinge of anxiety. I take a deep breath and push it away. We are skating for about thirty minutes when Jake's old coach shows up, a big grin on his face.

  18

  Jake

  “Well if it isn't Jake Benson, Mr. Big Time!”

  Turning, I see Coach. I skate my way over to the side of the rink where he waits.

  “It's good seeing you,” I say with a hug.

  “How's college, son?”

  “It's good. I actually just got back from a camp in Canada, and I'll be heading to Jersey soon.”

  “Yeah?” Coach's eyes twinkle with excitement and pride. “That's great, son. I'm so happy for you. How was the camp?”

  “It was amazing.” At the sound of Emily's laughter, I turn my head to see Drake pulling her around the rink.

  “I look at my wife the same way you look at Emily, you know. There are but a few loves like the kind we have found. I just wanted to stop by for a moment, but before I go, I want to give you a piece of advice. You love her, right?”

  I nod.

  “Make sure that for every second she knows that. Never allow her to second guess your love and what you would do for her. People make mistakes and you will make some, for sure. But she should never think twice about how much you love her.”

  “You know, sometimes, I feel as if I'm still battling her past for her. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather do it than her, but she's got to fight too.”

  “Once she figures out how she's going to handle it and feels comfortable with it, she'll fight it.”

  “Thanks, Coach. I'm just worried about her.”

  “Give her time, son.”

  Coach wishes me luck, says his goodbyes and the rest of the day is spent with my two favorite people. It's a good day filled with laughter and absolutely no worries.

  19

  Emily

  While skating around the rink, I have done lots of thinking. I can't wait to have some alone time with Jake and tell him what I've decided. However, Jake has other plans. He asks me to drop them off at his house for some brother time. I just hope I don't change my mind.

  I bite my bottom lip as I lie in bed. I can't sleep, so I run over to Jake's. He opens the door and I embrace him, muttering something about being terrified of our future.

  Jake wraps me in his arms and laughs softly. “I didn't know that you were terrified of marrying me,” he teases.

  Leaning into him, I hold him close. Scared of letting go. Happy to have him in my life.

  “What am I going to do with you, Sweetness?”

  “Love me,” I reply.

  “I already do.”

  “Then your mission in life is complete,” I joke.

  “Let's go to my room.” We go straight there, cuddling together on the bed. “Terrified, huh?”

  Rolling my eyes, I softly say, “More like overwhelmed. And I know this, but I need to hear you say it. You'll still love me once I tell you everything, right?”

  “I will love you no matter what.”

  “Okay, I guess I'll start from the beginning then.”

  We stay up into the wee hours of the night as I tell Jake every last detail. My mother sold my body for others to use so in turn she could gain money, drugs, or alcohol. I told Jake about how often these sleazy men would be extremely rough with me, sometimes hitting me. My mother used my weaken state of mind from Conrad's disappearance to her advantage. Every single day, I was told that I was worthless; slutty; damaged; anything negative, I was it. The woman who was supposed to love me unconditionally couldn't
stand me, and I couldn't believe she would lie to me.

  “I remember this one time. I was laying in bed, and I wasn't thinking, feeling, or moving. I was just there. I wasn't living, but simply existing. Almost like my brain was on autopilot. But then, my mother came in, swaying from the alcohol, and told me, 'If I die, please do not show your face at my funeral. I don't want to be disgraced after I'm gone. I'm already looking like shit because I'm stuck with you. No one wants you, not even your own parents. You should feel horrible that you are a bad daughter.'”

  And I did. I questioned aloud to Jake how should I feel about myself, knowing that so easily, someone could tear me down to pieces.

  “Sweetness, when someone means so much to you, it's easy for them to tear you down. You just have to decide if you are going to allow them to do that.”

  “Are you saying, I allowed her to do that?”

  “Not intentionally. I mean, think about it. Imagine the hurt you felt being a cut, and you didn't heal fast enough because your mother took a knife and kept digging into that wound. That's what I mean.”

  I fall asleep after blabbering away about the pain my mother put me through while Jake runs his hands up and down my back in soothing comfort.

  “Hey hon,” my dad says, as we step into the house.

  “Hey Daddy,” I greet sweetly. He turns to look at me as the smile slides off his face, and he immediately looks at my hand. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and starts shaking his head. I knew I shouldn't have used that voice and call him Daddy.

  “No. Y'all are not getting married. Not going to happen. Jake, I told you to put off proposing until she graduates. What the hell are you two thinking? Seriously? Y'all have been on and off since y'all have been together. And when it goes bad, it goes bad. You can't seriously think about marrying him, honey. Ever since the miscarriage, I can't help but think that you are no good for her, Jake. I'm sorry, but she's been through enough already and with you, she continues to go through shit.