Always (Bold as Love)

by Lindsay Paige

  Standing upright, Emily looks in the mirror, turns her head left and right. Satisfied, she slips behind me and back into my room. My eyes land on my image in the mirror and there I am. Not even brushing my teeth. I've just had the toothbrush in my mouth. Shaking my head, I get busy and finish the job, so I can crawl into bed my with my girl.

  “Gah, I love your bed,” Emily says as she pulls the covers up to her nose.

  “You are so weird,” I laugh, laying down beside her where she rests her head on my shoulder and intertwines our legs. Her warmth seeps into my skin and all I want to do is cherish this moment. I don't want to think about the past few months or the future. The here and now is where I want to be.

  My peace ends too soon.

  “I'm going to see my mom tomorrow,” Sweetness delicately whispers, her breath teasing the skin on my chest. Before I can say anything, she continues. “She put me down as her emergency contact and the nurses called to basically say that she's going to die at any time.”

  At this point, my head just feels numb. I still can't believe that Mom is gone sometimes, much less my dad. Now, Emily's about to lose her mom. No wonder she was a bit distant this afternoon. While I'm not in the mood, it seems that now is the time we are going to discuss this. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath to clear my head. Emily takes my silence that she needs to continue talking.

  “I think that this is my chance to finally talk to her and get it all out. To find my closure, so I can move on. If I don't do it now, I probably won't ever get passed it enough to enjoy everything that I have now. Don't you think so?”

  Ignoring her question while I stare at the blank ceiling, I ask, “What are you going to say to her?”

  “I don't know. I'm just going to let her have it. Pretend that she isn't about to die and that I have courage and I'm going to tell her how purely evil she is. How I hope she rots in hell and that her final days are as miserable as I was. Something along those lines.” She takes my hand in hers and rests them on my stomach.

  “Okay. All that I ask is that you don't say anything for her. Make sure you say what you need to for your benefit. Do you want me to drive you?”

  “No. I think I'll go by myself. You're okay with it, right?”

  “I'm always okay with whatever you need to do.”

  Seemly satisfied, she closes her eyes. I can only tell because her lashes barely brush my skin when she blinks and they've yet to move again. A vast part of myself wants to go with Emily tomorrow. I want to make sure that she's going to be okay and that she says whatever she needs to say to her mother. I want to be there incase her mom's a bitch and she needs someone to hold her. But if she needs to go alone, I'm going to let her. Whether I like it or not.

  29

  Emily

  The fifteen minute trip to the hospital seems like an hour long drive. I'm a bundle of nerves and all I want to do right now is throw up. I can feel the puke at the top of my throat, just waiting for me to think one thought or make one move so it can rise up and out. Pulling into a spot the farthest away from the door, I throw my car in park and turn off the ignition.

  This is it.

  This is the time.

  I'm so unbelievably tempted to leave and pretend I talked to her. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I gulp down air a few times and get out of my car. In no rush, I head across the parking lot and into the three story county hospital. The nurse who called yesterday was so nice as to tell me my mother's location within the hospital.

  Twists and turns and I feel like I'm on a walk of shame. It's not good that she still has this effect on me. My mind is in overdrive as I start to rethink my plan. Maybe I shouldn't see her. The numbers are decreasing on the walls as I become closer to her room and I think about what Jake told me before I left.

  He was hugging me goodbye and whispered into my ear, “You are so strong. Don't forget that, Sweetness.”

  With his recalling words surging through me, my first thought is, “Fuck that plan.” It suddenly becomes clear to me what I need to say to my mother. The powerful surge of courage builds as I step into room 385.

  Not one ounce of pity comes from seeing my mother look so ill and feeble, laying in a bed with tubes and cords everywhere. Her eyes part from the view the window provides and skit over to me. My demon awaits and as I step closer, I can see relief evident in her eyes. I'm about to wipe that away.

  “You came,” she hoarsely says.

  “Yeah, I figured it was time.”

  “I'm so happy to see you.”

  “Wish I could say the same,” I tell her flatly.

  Confusion sparks and I keep going before I lose it. Being in the same room as her is harder than I expected.

  “When the nurse called, I had the perfect speech in my head for when I decided to come see you. It was a speech that has been building for years and years. A speech that encompassed how I felt. But I've decided that isn't what I need to say. I didn't come here for you because you're dying and supposedly feel bad about what you did. I came for me.

  “You damaged me in so many ways. I've tried moving on and pretend that I was over it. I'm not though and I probably never will be. But that's okay, because you know why? I forgive you, Mom. I forgive you for everything you have ever done or said. I forgive you for the things you allowed. I forgive you.”

  My mom actually looks horrified. Tears are slowly gliding down her face and she looks deeply sadden. I don't have time to worry about that, though. I've got to get out of here. Before I walk out, I turn back and utter what will be my final words to my mother.

  “Goodbye, Mom.”

  I close the door behind me and head out, making sure that I stop by the nurses desk to tell them not to contact me again under no circumstances. The only thought running through my head as I walk to my car is that it's over. It's finally over.

  I feel like the burden has lifted from my shoulders. My throat burns and my eyes water. Slinking into my car has never felt so relieving. The tears pour instantly and I sit in the parking lot for a good while cry, cleansing myself once and for all. There was never anyone holding me back. I realize now that it has been up to me to move past this all along. I had to choose to want it and make the according actions. I've finally done so and it's over. It's time to move on with my life once and for all.

  With one last deep breath, I wipe away the fallen tears and head home. The plan was to return to Jake's, but I want nothing more than to go to my home. Usually it would be eerie to drive with no sound emitting from the speakers, but today, it's just what I want. Once I'm home, I text Jake and tell him that I'll either be over later or see him tomorrow.

  He asks if everything is okay, and I reply that it is. I feel like it's been forever since I've been home and I guess in a way, it has been. Looking around the house, I see that it's relatively clean. It makes me feel better because it appears as if Dad will get along just fine once I move out for good. When I enter my room, I'm bombarded by pictures. A sad ping rings through my heart because we rarely take pictures anymore.

  My room is neat and tidy, but I feel like I need to clean it. Before I can change my mind, I quickly go to the kitchen and grab a couple of trash bags. Starting with my closet, I begin to clean it out. I toss clothes I no longer want in one bag and the rest goes into another. Once I finish with my closet, I move to my dresser and then my nightstand, throwing away anything that I don't need or no longer want. Buried in the very bottom of one of my drawers, I find a birthday card from my mother when I turned thirteen. The front just has a big 13 on it. My hands tremble as I open the card and read what my mother wrote.

  A teenager. You're truly growing up and I can no longer deny it. You've already turned out to be a pretty girl and I'm excited to watch you grow into a beautiful woman. Boys are going to start chasing you and I know I won't have to worry too much. You've got a good head on your shoulders and there's no doubt in my mind that you'll accomplish every dream you have.

  With love,

  Mom


  For a moment, I wonder what happened to that woman, the woman I knew and loved. It doesn't matter anymore. She's gone and I'm moving on. I throw the card into the bag with all the other junk. Tying the bags and then grabbing them, I walk outside. I've just put the trash bags in the container when Dad pulls into the driveway.

  “What are you doing?” he asks, getting out of the car.

  “I've just been cleaning.” I throw the last bag in the canister.

  “Cleaning what? The entire house?” He gives me a kiss on the cheek when he walks up to me.

  “Just my room.”

  “All that came out of your room? Is there anything left in there?”

  “Yes,” I laugh. We head back inside and once in the kitchen my dad starts talking some more.

  “Not that I mind, but I am a bit surprised to see you home. Everything alright?”

  “Yeah. I just felt like being home today and don't worry, Jake and Drake confessed to me that I can't cook. You're on supper duty tonight,” I say as I take a seat at the table.

  “I even get to have supper with you?” he pretends to be shocked.

  Rolling my eyes, I nod.

  “So what do you want? I'm in the mood for steaks, that sound okay?”

  “You're crazy.”

  “What? Why?” he turns, leaving the fridge open.

  “You asked me what I wanted and then told me what you wanted.”

  Dad chuckles. “Do you want steaks or not?”

  “Steaks sound delicious.”

  “Good.”

  Dad gets busy fixing supper and asks numerous questions.

  “How's Jake and Drake, hon?”

  “They're good.”

  “What are y'alls plans for the week?”

  “I don't know. It's summer and we haven't been to the beach, but once. We might go down there.”

  “Good. I've got a business trip coming up next week in Florida, so if you'll keep an eye on the house, I'd appreciate it.”

  “Will do. I'll probably start staying the nights over here.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  “Don't seem so excited, Dad,” I say, slightly irritated.

  “You've been home for what? Two months? You've barely stayed here during that time. Are you sure everything is okay?”

  “Yep. Call me when dinner is ready, alright?” The chair scrapes the floor as I push backwards and go down the hall to my room. I'm aggravated. Why does he have to assume that since I'm home something's wrong? I just want to spend some time here. At home. In my own bed.

  My room looks better even if it's emptier than before. I lay in bed and wait for supper. I'm still fuming over how I just miss being home and my dad can't seem to think that's possible. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I retrieve it. It's Jake.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Sweetness. How'd it go?”

  “Fine. How was your day?”

  “It went well. You coming over tonight?”

  “No, I think I'm going to stay here.”

  “Oh. Everything okay?”

  I groan. “Why does everyone keep asking me that? I mean, just because I want to be at home shouldn't mean that something's wrong.”

  “Sorry, Sweetness. I just wanted to make sure since you visited your mother today.”

  “I told you it went well,” I say still irritated.

  “Okay, okay. I'll talk to you later, then. Love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Dad calls for me from the kitchen and I leave my phone on the bed as I head that way. We eat in silence and it reminds me of all those dinners when I first moved in with him.

  Awkward.

  It doesn't really matter though, because I'm going to ignore it. I eat faster than normal just so I can go back to my room. All I really want to do right now is crawl into my bed and pretend it's a old friend who I need to catch up with. I'n not in bed five minutes when I start to feel guilty for the way I snapped at Jake. He just wanted to check in on me and I was a bitch to him.

  I toss and roll onto my back to stare at the ceiling. There's so much to think about. First thing first, I get up to grab my computer and power it on. I've got to get the forms done to drop my classes. I'm pretty sure that Jake has already done this for himself. I think he'll have to get Drake registered for school soon as well. It takes longer than I thought. So much longer that when I get up for something to drink, Dad has already gone to bed.

  With a water in tow, I return to my room and set it on my nightstand. After brushing my teeth and changing my clothes, I lay down for bed. Worry creeps up my spine, touching every possible surface to help spread the building anxiety. I can't pinpoint exactly what's making me worry. Part of it is how everything's going to change soon. We're moving to Chicago as soon as Jake finds a place. Jake's camps are coming up. Jake has to deal with the after effects of his father's death and that's a heavy task. Unless I transfer to a community college, I'll have to miss this semester and work instead. That'll put me behind, though.

  I worry about how Drake will transition to all these upcoming changes. With the exception of his parents' death and Jake leaving for college, there's not much that has changed in his life. How will he deal with a new school? New peers? A new home? All this thinking is getting me nowhere. I'm too awake to try and sleep. The urge appears as if it never went away.

  Throwing my covers aside, I hop out and change into shorts, a sports bra, and a tank top. I put on socks and tennis shoes then throw my hair up into a ponytail. I don't leave a note or bring my phone, just my headphones and iPod. There's no need. It's a warm summer night, technically morning, and running is just what I need.

  30

  Jake

  Sleep. It's an annoying thing that I'm not too familiar with anymore. It comes and it goes. Thinking that I need a change of scenery, I leave my room and go sit on the porch. I can easily remember sitting on these porch steps with my mom beside me. She would wrap an arm around my shoulders and ask about my day. Mom would listen so attentively and I could have talked forever. I probably did.

  After the news of her cancer, it would be just me and her and we would sit here quietly, watching as the cars passed. When I told her about my first crush, it was here on these steps. When I told her I got on the team, it was on these steps. Sometimes, I just want to sit on these steps with her. Only she's not here anymore and I'm on these steps alone.

  Sighing, I look up to the sky and catch a particular star that's shining so bright. My mind turns to Emily and how she was clearly annoyed earlier. I wonder what happened with her mom. Will she tell me? The night is quiet with the exception of crickets singing their song until I hear footsteps. I glance down the street in the direction of the sound and see a figure running on the sidewalk across the street. Whomever it is seems to be in no hurry. Faintly, I can see the swishing of hair.

  Emily with ear buds in place is focused on the route before her. She doesn't even see me sitting here. She keeps on running.

  “Emily,” I call out, hoping she'd hear me over her music, but she doesn't. I get up and run after her. Catching her arm, she shrieks and swivels to face me.

  “Jake! What the hell? You scared the shit outta me!” she says in a still high pitch voice as she takes out her ear buds.

  “I'm sorry. I tried to call out to you, but your music must have been too loud.”

  Her hands are shaking. I take them in mine and say in a low voice, “Hey, calm down. It's okay. I'm sorry.”

  “It's fine. I was just distracted. What are you doing awake?”

  “What are you doing up?” I ask in return. She gives me a half smile and then goes to wrap her arms around my waist. Locking her hands together, she attempts to bury her face into my chest.

  “I'm sorry about snapping at you earlier on the phone.”

  I thought she would go into more detail, but she doesn't. “It's fine. C'mon, let's go sit on the porch.”

  Her arms fall and I take her hand, leading her back to my house. I sit on the
top step and Emily takes the place on the one below in between my legs. She leans back against my chest and I clasp my hands together in front of her, with my arms resting on my knees. Her body is hot and slightly damp.

  “How long have you been running?”

  “About an hour, I think. I was heading home.”

  “Oh. Do you want to go then? If all your worries are gone for the night and you're tired, you could just go on home.”

  “No, I'm fine.”

  I smile knowing that's she's choosing to stay here with me.

  “What were you doing out here?” she asks.

  “I was thinking about my mom.”

  “You miss her.”

  “Every day.”

  Silent evades our surroundings.

  “You make it hard.”

  “What?” I ask.

  “I want to be at home in my own bed. But sitting here with you, I don't want to leave. I miss it, you know.”

  “I know.”

  “But do you really? You are always right where you want to be. You always have what you want with you. You always do what you want. When do you have a chance to miss something?”

  I am taken aback even though there is no vengeance in her voice. What is she talking about? “Are you not happy?”

  “No, I am, I just...”

  “What's going on, Sweetness?” I say in my gentlest voice.

  “Nothing. I'm going to head home. I'll see you later.”

  She breaks apart my hands and stands up. Quickly, she puts her ear buds back in and takes off running. Not a kiss or an I love you. What is going through her mind? More importantly, what is she talking about?

  Her words replay easily in my head. The way she sees it, I always get what I want, I always go where I want to go, and I always have what I want. The more I think about it, the more she's right. Is she resenting us? Is that what this is about? Does she wish things were different? That she wasn't moving around with me and now Drake? Is she wishing that things weren't always going to revolve around my dream, putting her and her dreams on the back burner?