Nobody's Fantasy

by Louise Hall

  “Are you back for good?”

  “I haven’t decided yet.” My good leg is cramping up and my hands are still greasy from the cocoa butter I applied after my shower.

  I want her to leave like five minutes ago but she’s as persistent as a wasp at a picnic. It would be easier if we were actually talking but we’re not, we’re just stood on opposite sides of the threshold staring at each other awkwardly.

  A cool breeze whips between us and my fringe flops down to cover my eyes. I reach up to brush it away and of course, me being me, I use the hand holding on to the front door and almost end up going arse over tit again. It wasn’t too far from here that I did the exact same thing with her cousin and even though she must have seen my stump by now given that I look like I’m playing Twister all by myself with my remaining limbs flung out in all different directions, I can’t help but chuckle because this isn’t what I meant when I said I wanted closure.

  “Are you OK?” she asks quickly.

  “I’m fine,” I fumble for my crutches and somehow manage to get myself upright again.

  Her eyes widen and I know she’s just spotted my lack of lower leg.

  “You’d better come inside.” Danny has already packed up his juice stand and left but although we don’t get a lot of foot traffic here, I still don’t want to take even the slightest chance that somebody could walk past and see me like this before I’m ready.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Vada says as she follows me into the lounge.

  I sit down on the sofa. “I’d prefer it if you didn’t tell anybody about my leg.”

  “Of course,” Vada says quickly. “I won’t tell a soul, I swear… Wait a second, is that why you didn’t come back to Oahu? Mats wouldn’t tell me anything.”

  I mentally fist-bump my brother for being the only person in the whole of Oahu on Team Lola.

  “I was kind of busy learning how to walk again.”

  “I’m sorry,” Vada gulps. “Does Zev know?”

  I shake my head, “if he did. I wouldn’t be asking you to keep quiet about it.”

  I like Vada and I still think that she and my brother make a cute couple but we’re not going to be insta-besties again. I’m stronger now than when I first moved to Oahu but I’ve also got a tougher shell. It’s going to take a while to rebuild our friendship.

  “Honey, I’m home,” Mats chuckles as he tosses his keys on to the table. “While you’ve been gone, I’ve had to learn how to cook my own food and I’ve found this amazing recipe for vegan poke.”

  “Can we take a rain check?” I lift myself up off the sofa and reach for my crutches. “I’m not hungry. I think I’m going to have an early night.”

  “I’ll see you later, Vada.”

  I can hear them whispering when I get to the top of the stairs. As I walk past my brother’s map of the world, I think to myself that just about anywhere seems preferable to being in Oahu right now. The shock of seeing Vada again, without the protective armour of my prosthetic, is a huge wake up call. I might need closure but the process of actually getting it is going to be much tougher than I’d anticipated.

  ZEV

  “You’re not really going to do it, are you?” Emmy busts out of the back room as soon as Shanks’ wind chime tinkles to signify that Lola has left.

  “It’s just a tattoo,” I shrug and go back to my room to finish cleaning up. “We do them every day.”

  “It’s not just a tattoo with her.”

  I frown, “don’t talk about Lola like that.”

  “She left you,” Emmy reminds me as if I’m not acutely aware of that already.

  “She had every right to be pissed at me,” I remind her, “I should have told her the truth about how I lost my leg.”

  “Yeah but she should have let you explain instead of running back home to Mommy and Daddy like a little bitch. You’re not a bad guy, Zev. You made one mistake.”

  “I might not be a bad guy but I’m tremendously lucky that I only hurt myself that night.”

  I hate the pity I see in Emmy’s eyes. Yes, she can be a fire-breathing dragon sometimes but if you’re accepted into her inner circle, there’s nobody more fiercely loyal. She puts a hand on my shoulder and I feel like one of the abandoned puppies she fosters for the no-kill shelter.

  “She’s your kryptonite, Zev. She almost succeeded before but this time if you let her in, she’s going to annihilate you.”

  My cousin decides that after the shock of seeing Lola again after all these months, I can’t just go back to my apartment after we’ve closed up the Ink, I need to go out with her and Shanks and have fun. They drag me to a bar, which is almost laughable because it was booze that cost me my relationship with Lola in the first place.

  When we arrive at the bar they’ve chosen, I’ve decided that the universe has seriously got it in for me tonight because it’s just across the road from the mini-golf course where Lola and I went on our double-date with Mateo and the Smurf.

  For the first time since losing my leg, I’m tempted to have a proper drink but I opt for lemonade instead. I take a sip and of course it reminds me of how Lola tasted like lemon drop shaved ice when I kissed her that night.

  “You need to get laid,” Emmy slaps her palm down on the wooden table. She’s already a little tipsy and I’m thankful that Shanks and his girlfriend, Staci have offered to give her a ride home.

  “That’s the very last thing I need,” I grit my teeth. Despite what Jane might think, I haven’t even looked at another girl since I saw her in her padding leggings and chunky trainers on the beach that first day.

  “It’s the only way you’re going to get through tomorrow unscathed,” Emmy warns before disappearing again.

  I’m looking around for either Shanks or Staci to make sure that they’re still OK to give Emmy a ride home when I see Vada walk through the front door. She’d better not have Mateo with her because the last thing I need right now is a mini-golf double-date reunion but fortunately she’s alone. I haven’t seen the Smurf much since Lola left because it’s awkward as hell. I know from Maggie that she and Mats are still hanging out and I don’t want to put her in the position where she has to choose between us.

  “Hey,” Vada says as she approaches the table.

  My ex roommate, Danny and his girlfriend, Kristy are at the same table but they move away to give us some privacy. I expected Danny to slam me with a big, fat I told you so as soon as I returned from Seattle but he must have changed his mind when he saw how messed up I was. We might not live together like frat boys anymore but he’s still one of my best friends.

  “I’m just leaving,” I grunt, “can you make sure your boozy sister gets home safe?”

  “You don’t have to leave, Zev.” I can tell she’s hurt that I’m so abrupt with her. “Emmy said you’d be here tonight. I just wanted to let you know that Lola’s back in Oahu.”

  I snort, “thanks for the heads-up, cuz but you’re a few hours too late. She stopped by the Ink this afternoon. She wants me to give her another tattoo.”

  “Are you going to do it?”

  “If she stops by tomorrow, I might think about it.”

  I’m tired and pissed-off and it’s not a particularly good combo.

  “When she comes to the Ink tomorrow,” Vada bites her lip as if there’s a million things she wants to tell me but can’t. “Don’t be too hard on her, OK?”

  “Don’t be too hard on her?” I splutter incredulously. “Thanks for the family loyalty.”

  Vada sniffles and when I look up again, her eyes are wet. “I’m sorry, OK,” I sling my arm around her shoulders. “Seeing Lola again has messed with my head but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

  “I hate being caught in the middle of you two. You’re my cousin but Lola’s my friend.”

  “Don’t forget your boyfriend, Smurf. I’m sure he factors into it somewhere.”

  Vada goes bright red, “he’s not my boyfriend...”

  ZEV

  It
’s a quiet night at the Ink which is good in a way because it means that if Lola does show up, we’ll have the place to ourselves but then again, it also gives me way too much time to think. If I say yes, I can get my hands on her gorgeous skin again, something that’s been haunting me every night for the last few months. I remember how good it feels when she’s in my chair, how her hands grasp the sides so tightly her knuckles turn white and she makes these cute little pants as the needle scratches into her skin. She’s this intoxicatingly heady mix of beautifully vulnerable and awesomely strong.

  It’s just after ten when I see headlights flash past the front window. A couple of minutes later, I hear that damn chine go off and there’s a cool breeze as the door opens.

  I’ve been using the downtime to go through some paperwork and I don’t look up right away. She said yesterday that she wants a tattoo but I don’t know if that’s all she wants and so I need to be on my guard. The stakes are also crazy high because of the conversation I had with her dad earlier.

  When I eventually look up from the desk, the first thing I see is her face and I can tell she’s nervous, even more so than yesterday. Her soulful eyes have got dark circles underneath them and I hate that seeing me again has caused her so much distress. She’s biting down on that plump bottom lip but even though she knows how much it used to tempt me to kiss her, I get the feeling that she isn’t doing it on purpose.

  Because I sure as hell don’t know when I’ll get the opportunity again, my eyes lazily make their way down her body.

  She’s wearing a vintage Queen t-shirt and I remember teasing her about it because she wasn’t even born when the band’s legendary frontman died. She just pouted and told me that “great music is great music.”

  Her hands are twisting themselves into knots.

  She’s wearing denim cut-offs and I let my eyes drift lower. I look at her soft thighs, my ink still visible on her skin and then…

  I have to grab hold of the desk to keep myself from doing something stupid. I know it’s rude but I can’t stop staring at where her beautiful, mangled leg used to be. It’s now been replaced by a prosthetic so similar to the one I’m wearing underneath my jeans.

  What the hell has happened to my girl?

  Lola takes a deep breath and it feels like it’s been a while since she’s been able to do that properly. She takes a step towards me and I marvel at how steady she is.

  “You can see now why I want that tattoo.”

  I look down at her prosthetic foot and I remember what used to be there.

  “It was my first one,” she says softly, looking down at her foot. “I want it back.”

  A single tear drops down her cheek and I can tell from how she angrily swipes it away that she isn’t trying to manipulate me. Before she walked through the door tonight, I might have thought that there was a small chance I could say no and deny her what she wanted but I was just fooling myself, it was impossible. This girl right here owns me, body and soul.

  “Where…” I force myself to look away from her prosthetic. “Where do you want it, hot stuff?”

  I can’t help it, the old nickname just slips out.

  She smiles for a moment and then she must think something ugly because it quickly drops away. “Don’t call me that.”

  She follows me into the back room and hops up on to my chair. “I want it on the same leg,” she gestures, “so I guess it will have to be here.” She points to her thigh and I know for sure that this right here is my punishment for driving drunk all those years ago because I can’t deny Lola what she wants but giving in means that I’m going to have to spend time between those soft thighs of hers.

  I try to be professional as we talk about the exact placement and how big she wants it to be. I don’t have to sketch anything because I’ve still got the original design from her first tattoo.

  The only problem is that her cut-offs aren’t the skimpiest pair I’ve ever seen and if I want to do this properly, she’s going to have to take them off.

  “It’s OK, I’m wearing undies,” Lola giggles as she gets down from the chair.

  I turn my back and start preparing my equipment but the room is so quiet I can hear the sound of her zipper slipping down and the Gods are really testing me tonight.

  When I turn back around, she’s sat on the chair again. She’s taken off her prosthetic.

  “Can I…?”

  “OK,” she nods.

  I smooth my hand over the end of her stump. It’s a thing of beauty, the scarring is minimal. I know she’s affected too because I feel the goose bumps rise up against the calloused pads of my fingers.

  She puts her hand over mine and squeezes and I immediately look up. “Don’t play me.”

  “I’m not…”

  She looks up at the ceiling and I watch as she takes several gulps of air, “I didn’t come here to try and steal somebody’s boyfriend, OK. I came for a tattoo, that’s all.”

  I blink in confusion. What’s she talking about?

  “Could you pass me that towel please?”

  I reach back and hand her the towel and she drapes it between her legs, covering her modesty.

  She looks so uncomfortable; I have to make sure that she’s OK. I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Lola, what’s wrong?”

  “Darn, I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I thought I was stronger.”

  “What hurts?” I haven’t even started inking her yet.

  When she looks up at me, tears are pooling in her big, black eyes. “You.”

  “Me?” How could I hurt her? Apart from when I’m inking and piercing her, that’s the very last thing I ever want to do.

  “I need you to ink me.”

  “I’m not going to do a darn thing unless you talk to me, hot stuff.”

  My use of her nickname toughens her up, “I don’t have to talk to you. You’re not my boyfriend anymore.”

  “If you want this tattoo, you do.”

  “Ugh,” she groans, “you’re so annoying.”

  I sit back and fold my arms across my chest, “I’m waiting.”

  “Fine,” she concedes, “we can talk.” I grin but she hasn’t finished. “After you’ve finished my tattoo.”

  “How do I know you won’t leave again?”

  She offers me her little finger, “pinkie swear?”

  But I’m not in the mood for games, “I’m going to need something stronger than that, hot stuff.”

  “I promise, OK? If you give me back my tattoo, I give you my word that we’ll talk afterwards.”

  LOLA

  After Zev finishes my tattoo, I uncurl my fingers from the edges of the chair. I should have remembered when I was making rash promises to talk afterwards that I always get a little weird after I’ve had a tattoo. Without even thinking, I sag back against the chair, pressing my cheek to the cool leather. The familiar smell comforts me and I close my eyes for a moment, pretending that this is any other day at the Ink and there isn’t all of this ugly drama surrounding me and Zev.

  I feel something warm and heavy land on my bare thighs and when I open my eyes, I realise Zev has covered my lower body with his shirt. My head feels heavy but I still find myself wondering if he’s so disgusted with my leg that he doesn’t want to see it anymore? But that can’t be right because he’s got a prosthetic as well and earlier he touched my stump so reverently it made me weak.

  I feel a jolt and then he’s picking me up off the chair. He must have locked the front door already because he carries me up the back stairs to the first floor. “Why are you taking me to Rusty’s apartment?” I ask.

  “It’s not Rusty’s apartment anymore, it’s mine.”

  “Oh, did you and Danny have a falling out or something?”

  “Nope, it was just time I got my stuff together, got my own place.”

  “Won’t your girlfriend mind that you’re bringing random strangers back here?”

  “You’re not a random stranger,” he bites out and his lack of den
ial that he has a girlfriend makes me want to weep. “And I don’t have a girlfriend, haven’t had one for months.”

  I might be groggy but even I can tell that was total b-s. “I told you not to play me,” I squirm in his arms, trying to free myself and retain at least some of my dignity, given that I’m not wearing pants and don’t have my prosthetic with me.

  “I’m not playing you, Lola,” he growls as he drops me on the couch. I hate that my heart rate speeds up like crazy when he growls at me like that, hate, hate, hate… love it.

  “OK, maybe you don’t have a girlfriend but don’t pretend that you’ve been a monk for the past few months. My brother saw you making out with some skanky beeyotch almost as soon as my plane took off for Seattle.”

  I’ve never seen him look this mad before – his nostrils flare like he’s about to transform into a raging bull or something. “What?”

  “I don’t mind,” I blow my fringe out of my eyes. I still feel crazy vulnerable with no pants on and at least a flight of stairs between me and my prosthetic. I’m not scared of Zev, at least not physically, I know for sure that he’d never hurt me like that and I can butt-crawl down a flight of stairs with the very best of them even without pants.

  That was clearly the wrong thing to say because he yells, “you don’t mind? I’ve been missing you like crazy all these months and all you can say is you don’t mind?”

  I sit up on the couch and try to work out the best way I can get back downstairs. “So I’m going to go…” I lift myself up and hop towards the door.

  Zev wraps an arm around my waist, “you’re not going anywhere, hot stuff.”

  At least he sounds like he’s calmed down a bit. “Fine,” I huff, pretending like I’ve got any control at all as he dumps me back down on the couch. “I’ll stay but don’t feed me any more of that b-s that you’ve been missing me all these months when we both know for a fact that you didn’t even miss me for a night.”

  Zev braces himself above me, both hands on the back of the couch above my head, “it’s not b-s, Lola. It might make me sound like an idiot since you don’t mind but I haven’t spent one single minute since you left here that night not missing you.”