Never Gonna Be Wifey

by Racquel Williams

  “What the fuck you doing in my house?”

  “Damn, Ma, how the heck you get in here?” He pushed the naked slut off him.

  “Azir, this is my fucking house, and you have no right bringing your bitch in here. You’re too fucking disrespectful. Now get this bitch out of my house!” I screamed.

  “I’m not goin’ be too many bitches,” this silly ho opened her mouth and hollered.

  “Bitch! Shut the fuck up talkin’ to my moms like that,” Azir yelled at her retarded ass.

  “Little girl, please put your clothes on and get your stanking ass out of my house before I catch a case up in here,” I said and took a step closer to her ass.

  She realized I was in no mood to be fucked with, so she grabbed her clothing.

  “Damn, Ma. Close the door so we can get dressed.”

  I slammed the door without answering him.

  “Open this door!” I banged on Jeanette’s door.

  “What the heck’s going on?” She opened the door looking pissed.

  “How the hell you’re here and allowed Azir to be in my damn house wit’ a bitch?”

  “Sierra, what you talkin’ ’bout?” She seemed puzzled.

  “I just came home and heard sounds comin’ from his room. I went to investigate, and they are in there fuckin’ in my damn house,” I yelled.

  “Sierra, you need to calm down. I wasn’t feeling good, so I turned in early. I had no idea Azir was here.”

  “So you’re in a fucking house and have no idea who is in here wit’ you? This is ridiculous,” I said and walked off.

  “Let’s go! Get yo’ ass out of my house.” I yelled toward the room.

  I stood in the hallway and waited until this little yellow bitch speed walked past me with Azir.

  I blocked Azir’s path so he couldn’t go.

  “Let me tell you something. I don’t care how old you think you are; don’t you ever come in my house disrespecting me like that.”

  “Ma, chill out. You wasn’t even home.”

  “What the fuck that mean? You still brought that bitch into my house.”

  “Ma, no stress. I’ma get my own place ASAP,” he said and snatched himself away from me.

  I followed closely behind him, giving him a piece of my damn mind. I swear this boy done lost his fucking mind. He was grown, so if he wanted to have sex, he needed to get his own shit. Over my dead body was this shit going down under my roof.

  I watched as he pulled off with that bitch on the passenger’s side. Then I slammed the door and made sure it was locked. I turned off the light and proceeded upstairs.

  I sighed as I sat on my bed. What was supposed to be a great night ended like this. I glanced at the clock and noticed it was after 1:00 a.m. I was so tired and drained. I lit up my blunt, took a few pulls, then put it out. After that, I crawled into bed, and the rest was history.

  * * *

  “Sierra, you might feel like I’m out of place, but maybe you need to try going at Azir differently,” Jeanette suggested.

  “What you mean? I’ve been nothing but good to this boy, and all he ever did is disrespect me. So what you saying?”

  “Sierra, I’m not no expert on parenting, you know that. All I’m saying is if you keep on pushing him, you might push him out in these streets. You don’t want to lose him forever.”

  I sat there looking at her . . . This bitch always thinks she knows all the right answers to parenting. It often leaves me baffled. When did she learn how to be a great fucking mother? Was it after she left me?

  “I’m Azir’s mother; I think I know what’s best for my child, don’t you think, Jeanette?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I was only trying to make a suggestion. Didn’t mean to offend you.”

  “I’m not offended. You just need to stay in yo’ place. I got this. He’s a rotten spoiled ass, and he’s not gonna run in and out of my house. He’s grown, so he should get out and get his own place; that way, he won’t hear my mouth. And since you’re such an advocate for Azir, maybe you can move in with him.”

  “Sierra, stop being so quick to get defensive. You’re not too old to get advice. I know I messed up, and when I realized it, it was too late. It’s not too late for you. Try to talk to him instead of yelling. Stop using Alijah’s tragedy to influence your decisions. It’s been years. Let it go; let him rest in peace and build a relationship with your only child,” she said before she walked off.

  “I’m pushing Azir in the street?” I mumbled to myself. Bullshit. He was in the streets in Jamaica. I wasn’t trying to be his friend. I’m his damn mama, and I’m not—I repeat—I’m not going to let up until he gets it together.

  I was missing my bitch. Days like these I wished she was closer. I definitely needed to make a trip home. Get away from everything for a few days. I picked up the phone and dialed her number.

  “Hellurr,” she mimicked Madea’s voice.

  “Hey, chica, what’s going on?”

  “Shit, just getting up. Lamar from Chamberlain Avenue had his annual Black and White affair last night. My ass be forgetting I ain’t a little girl no more. I worked all day at the shop, then partied all night.”

  “Damn, I’m jealous. My ass is tired of being in the damn house all the damn time. Work and home; I feel old as hell.”

  “Bitch, ain’t nobody told yo’ ass to move to the country. Now you a country bitch. Why don’t you hang out with the bitches at the salon?”

  “Hell nah, you know damn well I don’t do bitches and definitely not these country bitches.”

  “Well, you one of them so might as well join them.” She busted out laughing.

  “Whateva, you crazy bitch. Anyway, I’m just sitting here missing you and shit. Wish you were closer.”

  “Oh, I miss you too. I was just telling the bitches at the shop how I wish you was here.”

  “We need to talk more. I wish all this hadn’t happened, and I was still in Richmond. Atlanta is cool, but ain’t no place like Richmond.”

  “Sierra, something bothering you. What’s going on? You all right?”

  “Girl, it’s Azir. Mo’, I don’t know what to say or do anymore.” The tears escaped faster than I could wipe them away.

  “What you mean? He all right?”

  “He’s in these streets, and I’m sick and tired of talking; it’s like it’s going in through one ear and out through the other. The other day, I found a gun and a bag of powdered coke under his mattress. Then when I confronted him, he has the nerve to tell me I was snooping.”

  “Girl, what? You lying. I thought he came back to go to school?”

  “That’s what he was supposed to do. But I blame Alijah’s mother. After he turned eighteen, she gave him the account info, so he got all the money, and instead of him trying to get an education, he keep talking ’bout doing music.”

  “Girl, that bitch wrong for that. She know damn well you ’ont give no young boy all that damn money. I would’ve cussed her ass out.”

  “Girl, I don’t even trip off that lady. He was down there giving her the same hard time, so she was happy to get rid of him, along with the money.”

  “Azir will learn about these streets. You think he’d learn after what happened to y’all.”

  “Girl, he walk ’round here all angry and shit. Half the time, I don’t know where the fuck he at. My damn heart be hurting every time the phone rings late at night, scared that I’ll get a call that he locked up or dead.” I cried louder.

  “Sierra . . . I don’t even know what to say. I have brothers, and you know they live in the damn streets, and it’s the same way. My mother be begging them, but you can’t do much, ’cause he grown. You can only hope for the best. Just the other day, Azir was a little baby. Now, he all grown. Girl, I ’ont know—”

  “Mo’, God knows I took one loss; I can’t go on if anything happens to him. He don’t know it, but he’s hurting my heart. I lost his father, and I would rather die first before I lose my one child. But he is hardheaded, Mo
’. He behaving like these streets are safe. I thought he would look at his father’s situation and take heed. It’s like he used that as a motivation for him to get deeper in the streets.”

  “Girl, wipe your tears. God goin’ protect my god-baby. I couldn’t bear if anything happens to him. He goin’ be all right. He still young. He’ll come around soon. Just put him in God’s hands.”

  “Damn, bitch, you went all spiritual and shit,” I busted out laughing. I could always count on Mo’s ass to lighten up a mood.

  “Shit, I wasn’t tryin’a be funny. I’m for real. That’s what all the Christian folks say when shit fucked up. I was just saying the same thing, and hoping it works for us. Shit, I can’t lose my damn god-baby. ”

  “Well, I be praying hard for him. God brought me through two attempts on my life, so I know he can work this out for me.”

  “You ain’t lying. You the only bitch I know that been shot twice and still was able to walk away from it. Bitch, you should’ve got baptized and somewhere wearing a nun dress and praising the Lord.”

  “Girl, I think about that shit all the time. The pain is still there, but I learned to cope. It could be worse.”

  “You ain’t never heard anything about that stupid bitch?”

  “Nope. Her ass supposed to be coming out soon.”

  “Really? I still don’t understand why that ho didn’t get life for what she did to you. I tell you, when motherfuckers got money to get big-ass lawyers, they can beat anything.”

  “Girl, you know they needed her ass to testify against Chuck and Dre.”

  “Oh shit, whatever happened to them?”

  “They got life. They pled out to avoid the death penalty.”

  “That’s fucked up. I tell you what; them niggas are two loyal muthafuckas.”

  “You ain’t lying. Alijah knew it too. He loved them with everything in him. I used to write them, but as time went on, I kind of lost touch with them, and I realized that I needed to work on me.”

  “Yeah, girl, it was terrible, and I could never imagine what you went through, but you’re still here and fighting. You one strong bitch, though. Anyway, how Jeanette doing?”

  “She a’ight. I had to put her in her place the other day about Azir. She goin’ tell me I need to be easy on him. Like, bitch, really? How can she give me any advice on parenting?”

  “Yeah, Jeanette knows she dead wrong, but you know they say addicts get clean and totally forget that they were a piece of shit before. Then they behave holier than thou.”

  “Girl, you know I dug into her ass. Shit, don’t get me wrong. She been clean for a minute, but that don’t mean that I’ve forgotten the first twenty-something years that she smoked that shit. God knows I be trying to forgive her, ’cause she be there and shit. I just don’t like when she put her two cent in about parenting.”

  “I feel you on that. Well, just keep pushing, and trust me, one day when we all old and shit, we goin’ sit back and laugh ’bout most of this shit.”

  “Mo’, man, you right. Enough ’bout me and my fucked-up-ass life. What’s going on with you?”

  “Girl, nothing. Working as usual, shop doing pretty well. Troy supposed to be home next month. So, you know I got to get my shit in order. Get all these other niggas out of the way. You know he ’ont play no games. My ass will be on lock when he gets home.”

  “Uh-huh, I feel you,” I said.

  We ended up talking for a little while longer, then hung up. Mo’ always knew how to make me feel better at times.

  Chapter Nine

  Sierra Rogers

  After calling Dwayne, we started hanging out. We would go out to eat, we went to the movies a few times, and he went to his house. It was hard adjusting being around another man, but as time went by, I started opening up to him. He made it easy on me; he wasn’t pushy. The first time we kissed, I was the one that initiated it. The more time I spent with him, the stronger my feelings for him started getting.

  “So we’ve been hanging around wit’ each other for a while. Where do you plan on taking this?” he shocked me one evening while we were chilling.

  “Huh? I don’t know. I’ve been thinking the same thing, but I didn’t want to come off pushy or thirsty.”

  “Nah, I’m definitely feeling you, and I love spending time with you. I think it’s time we make it into something greater.”

  “Hmm, I love the sound of that.”

  I reached over and started kissing him to seal the deal. It really feels good that a man was feeling the same way I was feeling. After Alijah, I was so scared, but I think Alijah would want me to move on with my life. I mean, it’s damn near twenty years now.

  Dwayne and I became an item. I loved spending quiet moments with him. He was so attentive to me and my needs. It was like a breath of fresh air. I said I wasn’t going to date another street nigga, but Dwayne was different. I ain’t gonna lie, that nigga had me feeling like I was in my teenage years all over again. From the flowers delivered at work, to the late-night fuck sessions, he made it easy for me to fall for him. The crazy part was, I knew I was falling head in, but I didn’t want to stop it. I never thought I could ever feel like this again, but he woke up something inside of me.

  “Somebody around here is glowing,” Jeanette said as I walked in the living room.

  “Lady, what you talkin’ ’bout now?” I gave her a strange look.

  “Mmm-hmmm. I think you’re in love,” she said and turned back to watching the TV.

  “You can tell just by looking at me?”

  “Shoot! Even Ray Charles’s blind ass could see that shit,” she laughed out loud.

  “I ain’t goin’ front; I really like him.” I stooped down beside her on the couch.

  “Hmm, and who is this ‘him’? Whoever he is, he must be special. You been on cloud nine for ’bout a month now.”

  “You’ll meet him soon. Ma, I mean, Jeanette, he’s so different. He makes my heart skip beats, but sometimes when I remember Alijah, I get so depressed.”

  “Sierra, you deserve happiness. Alijah been gone, and one thing I know, he’d want you to move on wit’ yo’ life. I watched you for years beat yourself up. Let it go. You was Alijah’s heartbeat, but he’s gone. Baby girl, allow yourself to start living again, not just existing.”

  By the time she finished speaking, I was bawling my eyes out. I think this was what I needed. I needed to set my soul free of Alijah and my past. I could no longer hold on to a man that was never coming back. What Jeanette said had really touched my soul.

  “Chile, wipe your tears and allow yourself to enjoy this man. I want to meet him so I can thank him for bringing some normalcy back to your life.”

  “You better not embarrass me. You’ll meet him on Sunday. By the way, can you make some chicken alfredo casserole for us?”

  “What you goin’ do about Azir?”

  “What you mean?”

  “You know he has never seen you ’round any man before. You know how boys are with their mother.”

  “I ain’t worried ’bout that. Azir is grown just like I am. I don’t tell him which one of these little bitches to talk to, so ain’t no way in hell he goin’ tell me who to talk to. Plus, I ain’t seen his ass since that day when he stormed out. I tried calling him, but he ignored my calls. I’m not going to stress myself out behind him.”

  “OK,” Jeanette said and rubbed my back again.

  “So, Jeanette, I haven’t seen you with a man since I was a child. You don’t get lonely?”

  “Chile, I had my share of men when I was on crack. At my age right now, I can’t see me dealing with these men and their bullshit.”

  “Jeanette, you got a point right there.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been through hell and back. If it wasn’t for the grace of God, I would’ve been dead. I’ve been raped numerous times, and back in the day, I would’ve sucked and screwed just for a li’l piece of crack. These days, I focus on my recovery and giving my life to God.”

  “Wow! I
never knew all that; I mean the rape. I have to give it to you; you’ve come a long way.” I looked at her.

  “Yeah, it’s not easy, but you and Azir is part of that motivation. I hurt you enough when you were young. I can’t change the past, but I be damned if I won’t make our future better,” she said with tears in her eyes. I didn’t say anything; instead, I got up and walked upstairs.

  I ain’t gon’ front. She was one strong woman. I saw how much she had grown from the time I was young, and she was cracked out. To be honest, she had been my rock throughout the years. With Mo’ all the way in VA, I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Maybe it’s time that I started to show her how grateful I was to have her in my life.

  I got into my bed thinking that I was definitely in a great place in my life right now. I was finally feeling happy again. I didn’t know where Dwayne and I were heading, but I wasn’t in any rush. I was willing to ride the wave out; I wanted to take my time.

  * * *

  Damn! I was running late again. This Atlanta traffic was crucial, especially during rush hour. I had an 8:00 a.m. sew-in to do. I have to do better than this, I thought. Leaving from Dwayne’s house in Buckhead and heading to the east was not good in the morning. I’ve been spending nights at his house on the regular. We talked ’bout moving in together, but I had no idea how that was going to work. We both had our own homes, and neither was trying to give it up. Well, we’ll see how it goes.

  I pulled up in the parking lot, quickly parked, and pranced into the shop.

  “Good morning, chica,” I said to Tanya.

  “Good morning. You late, ain’t you?” she laughed.

  “Whew. That traffic on Twenty East ain’t no joke.”

  “Hmm. You live in the east, so I take it you was at my brother’s house.” She looked at me for confirmation.

  “Hmm . . . My lips are sealed,” I said and walked off.

  “Hello, Miss Rose. Sorry I’m late; I was stuck in traffic.”

  “Good morning, love. I know how it is. You made it safe; that’s all that matters.”

  “C’mon, sit over here. Let me shampoo you.”