Seeing Your Face Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Just like that?” Daett leaped to his feet. “You think you’ll just take over?”

  Alvin swallowed hard. “Is that not better than having someone outside the family running things?”

  Alvin waited for confirmation, but his daett said nothing. And that was answer enough. Nee, they would never see eye-to-eye regarding how to work the farm. Alvin would have to trust that things would change since the committee was keeping an eye on managing the work.

  “I’m sorry.” Alvin took his mamm’s hand. “I really am, Mamm. I tried to reason with him.”

  “Da Hah always makes things turn out for the best.” Mamm’s eyes shone with tears, but joy glowed on her face. “And with my poor health, I’m so glad to have you home again.”

  “I suppose things had to come to this eventually,” Daett muttered. He didn’t move from his rocker or offer any further acceptance of the situation.

  This is gut enough, Alvin thought. His Daett accepted his presence home and hopefully…eventually…things would go better between them.

  Forty-Two

  On Sunday morning Alvin sat on the hard, backless bench as the church service began with the first song. He kept his head down, only looking up often enough to keep track of Bishop Beiler. The bishop didn’t appear very cheerful this morning, but the cause likely didn’t concern him, Alvin figured. He did spot Ida seated among the young women. She looked drawn and pale. The funeral had only been yesterday. That alone was explanation enough for the bishop’s troubled look. No doubt Ida still had a long way to go before she made a full recovery. Yet, she would make it. With Da Hah and the community’s help, they all walked through whatever sorrow life handed them.

  How foolish of him to have run away. He wasn’t surprised that Debbie hadn’t even looked his way this morning. She had every reason to doubt his intentions. He was the one who had bolted when the way became difficult. During his time away it seemed that Debbie had remained steady, making quite an impression on the community—even on Minister Kanagy—with the humility she displayed. Her gracious attitude had apparently won over the people’s hearts.

  “You should never have left,” Mamm told him last night after the talk with Daett.

  Alvin hadn’t said anything but he hung his head in shame. He already knew he’d made a huge mistake. But he would make amends. Surely he would gain credit for that. Crystal had shown him what really was out there in the Englisha world, and now he wanted to return, save the farm, and win Debbie’s heart back. Her affections had been in his hands once. He knew that now, and the knowledge stung. But regrets would only get him so far. It was time to take responsibility and make things right. First with the church, starting this morning in front of the baptismal class.

  Alvin jerked his head up as Bishop Beiler rose to his feet and led the line of ministers upstairs. Alvin waited. Even though he was older than anyone in the baptismal class, it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to go upstairs before they did. And none of them knew he was attending this morning’s session except Deacon Mast. Unless the deacon had told Bishop Beiler, and he’d told Debbie, which wasn’t likely. They would all be startled out of their wits if he rose and led the way upstairs.

  Alvin kept his head low but watched three boys stand up, followed by Debbie. At least Da Hah spared him in one small measure. If there were another woman who would be listening in this first confession this morning that might be almost more than he could bear.

  When Debbie was at the foot of the stairs, Alvin stood and found his way out of the bench row. He stayed an appropriate distance behind Debbie. She caught sight of him halfway up and whirled around with a startled look on her face. Alvin motioned for her to continue. A scene was something neither of them needed this morning.

  Debbie just stared at him. “Why are you following us?” she whispered.

  “Because I’m supposed to,” Alvin whispered back.

  Debbie was puzzled, but thankfully she moved on into the room the boys had disappeared into moments earlier. Alvin breathed a prayer of thanks and followed. The ministers sat on one side of the room, as he’d expected. The three boys sat on the other side, and Debbie had taken the chair beside them. The only empty place was next to Bishop Beiler. Alvin took a deep breath and sat down.

  Bishop Beiler cleared his throat and said, “Let us open with prayer this Sunday morning. Da Hah has allowed a great tragedy to enter our community this week with the passing of our dear brother Melvin Kanagy. My condolences to you, Minister Kanagy for your great loss. My heart weeps for the family and for my daughter, Ida. I never thought to see death call at a more cruel time. Ida is a godly woman, and she will overcome this sorrow with Da Hah’s help. I hope all of you will join us in remembering the Kanagys and Ida in prayer in the months ahead as their hearts heal.”

  Everyone nodded. Bishop Beiler led out, “We give You thanks this morning, oh great and mighty Lord Jesus, even though our hearts sorrow and weep over what death has taken from us. Yet we know that all things are held by Your hands, and nothing is allowed that is not for the best in the end. With that confidence in our hearts we ask for Your blessing this morning. We ask for this class of young people who desire instruction in righteousness, and for Alvin, that he will be restored to You and to Your church. Amen.”

  “Amen,” Minister Kanagy repeated in a loud voice. Deacon Mast echoed him. Minister Graber offered no verbal comment but nodded his agreement.

  Alvin stole a quick look at Debbie. She was looking at the floor.

  “First, let’s take care of Alvin’s matter,” Bishop Beiler said. “Do you have anything to open the meeting with, Deacon Mast?”

  Deacon Mast clasped his hands in front of him as he spoke. “I had a few words with Alvin yesterday at the funeral, and he expressed a willingness to make things right with Da Hah and with the church. I’m sure all of us are sobered by the great loss we suffered with Melvin Kanagy’s passing. The time is short for all of us, and it would be well if we looked into our souls and made sure our hearts are right and humbled before Da Hah.”

  At least Deacon Mast was trying to make the way easy for him. Minister Graber would be supportive, but Minister Kanagy would be another matter, Alvin thought. Unless he missed his guess, Minister Kanagy wouldn’t be satisfied until he’d heard every detail of the worst worldly transgressions Alvin had committed while out in the Englisha world. And Debbie would hear every detail. Likely she would never speak with him again after today. Not after she heard about Crystal. But he wouldn’t lie. That road led to nowhere he wished to go.

  “Thank you for that,” Bishop Beiler replied. “I can say that I’m glad to see Alvin return home. We’ve missed him in the community. I’m sure his help will be greatly appreciated at home on the farm. Perhaps it takes a loss like we had last week to bring us all to our senses and appreciate the things that really matter in life.”

  Alvin opened his mouth to explain, but Bishop Beiler had already moved on. “I think we’ll let our two ministers ask Alvin questions first. Deacon Mast may also speak again, if he wishes.”

  Minster Graber spoke first. “Perhaps Alvin would give us a short account of his time amongst the Englisha. I know we don’t have much time this morning since the baptismal class still must be taught, but it would be in order to start with that.”

  Minister Kanagy nodded.

  Alvin tried to block Minister Kanagy out of his mind as he concentrated on what to say. “I left here through no fault or leading of anyone but my own choice. I moved into an apartment in Philadelphia and obtained a job working at a motel as a maintenance man.” Alvin gave a faint smile. “Seems my time fixing equipment on the farm did me some gut.”

  None of the ministers appeared amused. He wished he hadn’t said it, but the words were out of his mouth. He would be more careful.

  “Did you purchase an automobile?” Minister Graber asked.

  Alvin shook his head. Minister Kanagy almost appeared disappointed, Alvin thought.

  “How did you get a
round the city?” Minister Graber continued.

  “I walked,” Alvin said. “And they have a public bus service that came within blocks of the apartment.”

  Minster Graber appeared to like that comment. “Did you wear Englisha clothing?”

  “Yah,” Alvin admitted.

  “How much of the time?” Minister Kanagy asked.

  “All of the time I was gone.” Alvin hung his head in shame.

  Minister Kanagy dug in. “Did you date any Englisha girls while you lived in Philadelphia, Alvin?”

  Alvin figured he was turning bright red. To make matters worse, Debbie was now staring at him. He forced the words out. “I did, although I’m not sure if they would be called ‘official’ dates.”

  “You spent time with a specific Englisha girl? You spoke of love with her?” Minister Kanagy asked, his shock evident.

  Alvin tried to find his voice but couldn’t. He would lose Debbie for sure now, but there was nothing he could do about that. He wanted to make his life right with the church and with Da Hah.

  “Did you?” Minister Kanagy had grown impatient.

  “Yah,” Alvin said. “We did, and yet we didn’t. We went for walks in the park with her dog, and we went to restaurants a few times. We talked of feelings of attraction, but not of love.”

  “There is more, is there not?” Minister Kanagy had his eyes fixed on Alvin.

  Alvin sat up straight. “We did go to a lounge one night for dinner. Crystal told me about her past and that she was divorced. We both understood that our lives didn’t belong together. That was the night I fully understood I didn’t want to live in the Englisha world. I decided I would come home when I felt the time was right.”

  Minister Kanagy seemed satisfied with what Alvin had admitted. “I regret to hear what you’ve done, Alvin,” he said. “But I’m glad to see you’ve come back.”

  Alvin waited for more, but apparently Minister Kanagy was done.

  “Have you anything to ask further?” Bishop Beiler asked Deacon Mast.

  Alvin didn’t dare glance at Debbie. He didn’t wish to see the anger in her eyes, the betrayal, the hurt. Why had he ever done what he did? No reason made any sense at this moment.

  Apparently Deacon Mast had nothing more to ask because Bishop Beiler spoke again. “Let us pray and consider Alvin’s matter for a few weeks. If any of us have any more questions during that time, Alvin will be available to answer them.” Bishop Beiler paused and looked at Alvin.

  Alvin nodded his agreement.

  The bishop continued. “You may go back to the service, Alvin. If things go as I expect they will, we will hear your confession in front of the whole church next month. It will be a knee confession. Are you willing to do that?”

  Alvin nodded again and got to his feet. In the face of the shame this morning and the pain that throbbed in his heart over his loss of Debbie, a knee confession was a small matter. Alvin slipped out the room door and went downstairs. He found his seat among the congregation and joined in the singing, although he kept his head down. He also seldom looked up during the sermons. He didn’t look up when Bishop Beiler dismissed the service. When the unmarried men filed out, Alvin found his way to the barn and stayed there until the call came for lunch. He swallowed hard but followed the others inside. He was given a small table by the kitchen doorway. He ate alone in silence and shame. It was as difficult as it had been yesterday, but he deserved every minute of this punishment. He’d lost the most wunderbah girl in the world and stepped outside the community. And he had no one to blame but himself.

  When he finished eating, Alvin slipped out through the kitchen before the last prayer was called. He couldn’t stand it any longer. Next Sunday he would do it over again because it had to be done, but this was enough for today. Alvin’s hand was on the washroom doorknob leading outside when a soft voice called his name.

  “Alvin.”

  He whirled around to see Debbie in the doorway on the other side of the little room. A slight smile played on her face.

  “Alvin, I was proud of you this morning up there.” She pointed toward the room where the baptism class had been held.

  “You were? Why?” Alvin felt like he couldn’t breathe. She was such a vision of loveliness, and she was speaking willingly with him!

  “I knew about Crystal,” Debbie told him. “Well, about you being with a girl, anyway. I didn’t know her name. It’s a lovely one though.”

  “You knew? How?” Alvin didn’t dare let go of the doorknob lest Debbie’s face fade from sight. Surely he must be in a dream.

  “I drove to Philadelphia to visit you one Saturday. When I saw you walking with her, I couldn’t stay. I was so upset.” Debbie frowned a bit. “But now you’re here, and you’ve confessed before the ministry. That took a lot of courage.”

  He stepped closer. “I’m so sorry for everything, Debbie. Will you forgive me for leaving? For not talking to you first? Is there hope for us?”

  Her face clouded for a moment. “Perhaps we’d better take this slowly, Alvin. You have a lot of things to take care of, with the bann and the situation with your daett and the farm. And there’s Ida. I want to help her where I can. She needs time to heal from her great loss.”

  Alvin hung his head. “I saw Ida in the service this morning. I can’t imagine the pain she’s experiencing.”

  Debbie’s smile was back. “It was good to look over and see your face again, Alvin. It was good to see you sit on a bench this Sunday morning.”

  “And it was wunderbah to see yours.” He took a long breath.

  Debbie glanced over her shoulder at the sound of someone approaching. “I’d better go, Alvin. You take care now.”

  “Yah!”

  And Debbie was gone.

  Alvin opened the washroom door and stepped outside. Debbie had missed him like he had missed her. Could that be? If so, surely they would find a way to make it work out between them! Yah, his wounds would heal, and so would Debbie’s. After that anything was possible. Anything Da Hah had in mind for them. Alvin knew he would not run away again. Not after being given another chance like this.

  “Heading home?” Emery asked when Alvin got to the barn door.

  “I think so,” Alvin replied, looking at the ground.

  “I can understand that.” Emery nodded. “I hope everything turns out okay.”

  It will! Alvin wanted to shout. Instead he slipped quietly into the barn to get his horse. He paused for a moment in the privacy of the stall. He knelt down. “Thank You, dear Hah,” Alvin whispered as he lifted his face heavenward. “You could have forgotten me, but You offered mercy instead.”

  Around him the barn rustled with its usual noises. Alvin stood and led his horse out to his buggy.

  A few minutes later as he drove past the house, a hand waved from the washroom window and tears stung his eyes. He had seen Debbie’s face again and she still loved him. That was more than any man deserved.

  Discussion Questions

  1. What do you think of Debbie’s desire to join the Beiler family?

  2. Is Alvin Knepp with his hesitant ways a suitable match as a boyfriend for Debbie?

  3. Was Alvin justified in his flight from home?

  4. What would you have advised Lois as she struggles with her longing to join the Englisha world?

  5. What are your feelings about Paul Wagler? Is he too bold? Should Debbie have accepted his attentions?

  6. How would you have advised Ida as she first noticed Melvin Kanagy’s interest in her?

  7. Are the actions of the community towards Alvin too severe? Should he have been placed in the bann? What other course of action would have served the community better?

  8. Should Debbie have gone to Philadelphia in her effort to win Alvin’s return? What is your opinion of Verna’s advice to Debbie?

  9. Was Saloma wise to suggest that Ida spend time with Melvin’s family before the wedding? How did this affect her loss?

  10. Should Alvin have been more open
to Crystal’s world after he discovers she’s divorced and he realized the range of her lifestyle choices?

  11. What do you think lies ahead in Ida’s future?

  12. Will Alvin be able to maintain his newfound strength as he settles back into the community?

  The Beiler Sisters Trilogy

  Watch for book three in Jerry S. Eicher’s

  The Beiler Sisters

  TRILOGY!

  Finding Love at Home

  COMING SEPTEMBER 2014

  About Jerry Eicher

  JERRY EICHER’S bestselling Amish fiction (more than 500,000 in combined sales) includes The Adams County Trilogy, Hannah’s Heart series, The Fields of Home series, Little Valley series, and some standalone novels. He also writes nonfiction, including My Amish Childhood and The Amish Family Cookbook (with his wife, Tina).

  After a traditional Amish childhood, Jerry taught for two terms in Amish and Mennonite schools in Ohio and Illinois. Since then he’s been involved in church renewal, preaching, and teaching Bible studies.

  About the Publisher

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