Close to Her Heart

by C. J. Carmichael

  When she thought about all the things Dawson had done in order to win Sage’s heart—he’d untangled himself from an unhealthy marriage, given up the rodeo, taken community college classes and moved to Marietta—she felt even worse about her relationship with Adrian.

  Despite their six months as lovers, she’d never been invited to his home or introduced to his daughter. At work they had to pretend they were only colleagues. And even when she suggested introducing him to Miriam and Eliot, he’d balked.

  It was like he’d relegated their relationship to a glass bubble that existed within his world but wasn’t really a part of it.

  Only now, she was pregnant. And this baby—if she kept it—was going to cause that glass bubble to break.

  Dani stared morosely out the window, but since it was now dark all she saw was her reflection gazing back at her. She had no answers. So she went to the sofa, drew up a soft blanket, and then turned on the TV.

  An hour later, she was asleep, and didn’t wake up until the next morning. She went about her usual weekend chores, half expecting that Eliot would stick a note under the door, maybe suggest a run or Sunday brunch.

  But she didn’t hear from him or Miriam all weekend.

  On Sunday, Portia arrived at six. Not wanting to hurt her niece’s feelings Dani tried not to let on that she’d totally forgotten about their dinner plans.

  “Hi honey, do you like Vietnamese? I was thinking of ordering in. Where’s Austin?”

  “Sure, Vietnamese is good. And Austin is doing final edits on his paper. But he said to thank you for the invitation.” Portia looked absolutely adorable in worn jeans, a peach sweater and a pair of funky boots which she took off at the door.

  While Dani ordered their meal off the Internet, Portia went to the bank of windows, and sighed. “Mom is always raving about the view at our ranch. But this is so much better.”

  “I guess if you hadn’t grown up around the mountains and Flathead Lake, you might side more with your mother.”

  “Maybe. Poor Mom might not have that view much longer. Dad wants to sell Bishop Stables.”

  Dani had been afraid of something like this. Besides her daughters, Mattie lived for the Tennessee Walking horses she and her husband had been raising and training since they married. How would her older sister cope if Wes went through with the divorce and sold the property?

  “I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

  Portia shrugged. “I don’t think Dad ever really liked the family business. Wren says that’s why he kept at the rodeo for so long.”

  “He’s working at a lumberyard in Billings now, though, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah. And he seems to like it. Oh, I almost forgot. I bought a bottle of wine.” Portia went to the foyer when she’d left a backpack next to her boots. She pulled out a white viognier that she must have noticed Dani serve before. It was one of her favorites.

  “That’s so sweet. But how did you get it?”

  “Austin’s twenty-one. He picked it up for me.”

  Dani had been debating about whether to tell Portia her news. She didn’t want to. She hadn’t even decided if she was keeping the baby. But she had to give her niece an explanation for not opening the wine.

  “I’m going to have to save that bottle. I have some news. It was a surprise to me and it’s probably going to be an even bigger one to you.”

  She could tell by Portia’s face that she didn’t have a clue where this was heading.

  “I’ve been seeing a man for about six months now. You haven’t met him because we work together and we’ve been keeping our relationship quiet.”

  “Is that the surprise?” Portia settled on a stool, next to her aunt. “Is he coming for dinner?”

  “No.” If only. “The surprise is that I’m pregnant. It wasn’t planned and—” She hesitated, not sure how Portia was going to react. “I still haven’t decided if I’m carrying the baby to term.”

  “Oh. Oh.”

  Dani sighed. “I guess I’m a living example of everything your mother warned you against.”

  “Drugs and alcohol were pretty high on her list too.”

  “Well, I don’t use drugs. I’m probably not the best example when it comes to alcohol though, since you know I enjoy my white wine.” Her sister Mattie almost never drank, a decision she’d made after a girl she’d once given riding lessons to, Neve Shephard, got drunk and ended up drowning at a party after her high school graduation. The accident was something Dani remembered well, since Neve had been in her grade. It was the only time Dani had ever been grateful for her nerd status. She hadn’t even been aware of the party, let alone that she hadn’t been included.

  “We learned at school and from Mom that no method of birth control is one-hundred percent reliable.”

  Dani nodded, glad to let her niece assume this was what had happened in her case. “That’s very true. And now I’m going to have to ask a favor of you. Do you think you can keep this a secret between us? I haven’t told any of the family yet. Partly because I’m not sure I can keep the baby.”

  “I won’t tell,” Portia promised. “At least no one in the family. But can I tell Austin?”

  “Why not? He’s going to be able to see for himself that I’m pregnant soon enough.”

  Dani realized she was talking as if she was going to keep the baby. But the news from the ultrasound and the decision her doctor expected her to make in the next day or two, still weighed heavily on her mind. It wasn’t the sort of quandary she wanted to share with her niece. So as usual, she kept her worries to herself as she got out dishes and poured them glasses of sparkling water in preparation for the meal that would be arriving shortly.

  As she moved about her efficient U-shaped kitchen, she could sense Portia watching her. Finally she stopped and lifted her shirt so Portia could see her little belly. “I’m not showing much yet. But soon I’m going to be trending toward blimp status.”

  Portia giggled. “When is it due? I mean—if you decide to keep it?” Her eyes were big and yearning, and Dani could tell that in her mind her niece was already picturing the addition of an adorable little baby to the family.

  But would she be so excited if she knew the baby might have Down Syndrome?

  “Second week in September.”

  “Wow. That’s a long time from now.”

  Dani nodded. In one way it did seem like a long time. But when she considered that almost everything in her life was set to change—it didn’t seem nearly long enough.

  Chapter Two

  May

  Marvelous things started happening in Dani’s body in May. As her baby bump pushed out, she began to feel the fluttering motions of the fetus inside. She pictured her baby floating in the amniotic sac like an astronaut in space. When she was alone, she talked to the baby and sometimes sang songs she remembered her mother singing to Callan when she was born. Suddenly, she felt energetic and was never nauseous. Her buoyant good health seemed to her to be an omen. Nothing was wrong with her baby and she refused to allow negative thoughts to spoil this magical time.

  Because she loved being pregnant. The changes in her body were beautiful to her. She kept to a strict, healthy balanced diet and the nutritious food seemed to be picking up her mood as well. She’d expecting to crave ice cream and pickles, or other inexplicably weird food combinations. Instead, she ate her way through pints of luscious blueberries and cherries, creamy tubs of yogurt and batch after batch of crispy baked kale.

  The word was out at work—though the father hadn’t been named. Dani was sure her colleagues were speculating, but only Jenna had dared to ask.

  “Someone I’ve been seeing for about six months,” Dani had answered. “The baby wasn’t part of our plans, obviously, and we’re still trying to work things out.”

  Jenna, who was older, and had made it clear that neither marriage nor children were in her future, looked puzzled but hadn’t commented further. Dani supposed that she, too, wondered why Dani was going through with this
pregnancy. She was grateful that Jenna hadn’t actually asked the question, because she was tired of trying to explain.

  She still hadn’t called home with her news for the same reason. Her sisters would grill her, and she just wasn’t up to that. Day to day was her new motto.

  On Mother’s Day, Dani and her sisters connected via Skype, all four of them at the same time. They’d started the tradition the year after their mother’s death, back when Mattie was twenty-one, Dani sixteen, Sage twelve and Callan only eight. They’d been at such different stages back then. Mattie had been married and a new mother herself, Dani in High School had been making plans to leave home when suddenly she was in charge of looking after her younger sisters. Sage had still been so young—Callan even younger. They’d had the least time with their mother, but it couldn’t be helped. It was sink or swim for the Carrigan girls, and somehow they’d all managed to swim.

  Dani set her computer on the dining room table, so only her upper shoulders and face were captured by the camera. On her screen she could see Sage was in the backroom kitchen at her chocolate shop, red hair tied back, and an apron covering her long lean torso. Mattie, looking too thin, but lovely in a gray sweater and jeans was on the sofa by the fireplace in her home at Bishop Stables, while petite, but tough, Callan was in her bedroom at the Circle C, sorting laundry into piles on her bed, and wearing a thin tank top and flannel pajama bottoms.

  “How’s the weather in Seattle?” Callan wanted to know. She was always preoccupied with the weather—most ranchers were. “We’ve had a cold, wet spring. Even had snow last week, though most of it has melted now.”

  “It’s beautiful this week,” Dani said, biting back the impulse to invite her sisters for a visit. This was the first year none of them had made it to Seattle in time to see the spring blossoms, and she knew it was because they all had things going on in their own lives that made travel difficult. But she was just as happy.

  A visit from one of her sisters would mean all of the extended family and the town of Marietta finding out she was pregnant—and Dani didn’t want that.

  At least, not yet.

  But she did enjoy connecting with her sisters, even if not all of the news was good. Mattie’s marriage seemed to be truly over. Callan felt their father’s health was getting worse, but he refused to book an appointment with a doctor.

  Only Sage seemed truly happy. Her relationship with Dawson O’Dell was going well and she got along well with his daughter, Savannah. “There’ve been a bunch of weddings happening in Marietta, what with the Big Wedding Giveaway and all,” Sage added.

  “Yes. Callan told me about that.” It seemed one of the Sheenan boys had come up with a PR stunt of paying for one couple’s dream wedding, and half the town had entered into the contest.

  “Well, Dawson and I have decided we’re going to tie the knot too.”

  “You didn’t win the contest, did you?”

  Sage laughed. “No. We’re thinking of having our wedding after homecoming weekend. The town will have settled down by then and we can keep things easy and low-key.”

  “I’m happy for you Sage,” Mattie said. “Do you want a church wedding? And a catered dinner and dance after?”

  “We were thinking of having a smallish affair. At the ranch,” Sage said. “What do you think Callan? Would that be too stressful for Dad? Not that we’d expect him to do any of the work.”

  “It’s a great idea,” Callan said. “I’ll run it by Dad. But since he approves of Dawson it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “When did he start approving of Dawson?” Last Dani had heard, he’d given Dawson a hard time during the fall round-up.

  “On his days off, Dawson often comes out to give us a hand. This spring he’s training a new colt dad thinks has some potential. Dad doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s too old to do that kind of work now. Doesn’t stop him from shouting pointers from the sidelines, of course.”

  Dani could imagine. One of the reasons she’d hated helping with the cattle and horses when she was younger was because of her father’s gruff ways and his quick temper when you did something wrong.

  Which in her case had seemed to be very often.

  “We don’t want to have a big wedding party,” Sage said. “But I do need a maid of honor. You know I love all of you, so I was thinking of just putting your names in a hat and choosing that way? Sound fair?”

  “I appreciate the offer honey, but don’t put my name in,” Mattie said. “I’ve been married, raised two daughters and now I’m getting divorced…I’m so happy for you, really I am. But I don’t feel like standing up for a wedding at this point in my life.”

  “I get it.” Sage tore two pieces off the end of a sheet of blank paper. “So I’ll just put in Dani and Callan’s names.”

  Her baby would be only about a month old by the wedding date. Dani wasn’t even sure she’d be able to attend. “Oh, let Callan be the one. She’s the baby of the family. Plus, you can shop for dresses together.”

  “That’s a good point. Callan, what do you say?”

  “Well, sure. I’d be honored. But—do I really have to wear a dress?”

  *

  Dani lost all track of time at the lab that Monday. She and Jenna were starting a new clinical trial in their quest to determine at what age young children developed a sense of fairness. In this test they would be focusing on whether babies preferred to play with caregivers who distributed toys fairly among a group of children, unfairly in a way that disadvantaged them, or fairly in a way that advantaged them.

  The tests took place in little rooms outfitted with a sofa and three chairs. The three mothers sat behind their babies, with instructions not to interfere unless their child needed comforting. Meanwhile two assistants would offer the babies toys according to a prescribed protocol. From behind one-way glass, Dani and Jenna alternated watching and recording the results at each step of the process.

  The work was meticulous and somewhat tedious, but Dani found it fascinating to see the results. It was especially gratifying when they turned out to be similar to what she and Jenna had predicted.

  At three o’clock, when the experimenting ended for the day—many of the participating families had to pick up their older children from school at this time—Dani rose from the desk and stretched out her arms. She was awfully tight in her back and shoulders. Maybe tonight she should try to catch a yoga class. She should call Miriam and see if she wanted to come, too. Things had been awkward between them since she and Eliot had that fight.

  She still wasn’t speaking with him, though her anger had dissipated somewhat. She was almost ready to forgive him now. But the stubborn ass still hadn’t asked her to.

  “Dani, do you have a minute?” Jenna was at the door, hair pulled back in a tight ponytail and her dark-framed glasses giving her a serious, academic look.

  “Sure.” Dani saved her spreadsheet, then closed down the laptop.

  Jenna waved her into her office, down the hall. For the first thirty minutes they discussed that day’s results and whether any modifications to the test would be needed.

  It was a positive discussion, but at the end of it, Jenna asked if she could stay a few more minutes. “I’m just wondering what sort of commitment you’re going to have to this research after you have the baby?”

  Dani was relieved to finally have the subject raised. She valued her work her very much and it was important that Jenna continued to want to work with her. “I intend to keep working until the second week in August.”

  Jenna nodded, pushing her glasses higher up the bridge of her nose and frowning slightly. “And then?”

  “I’d like to take three months off to adjust to the new routine after the birth. And then I was hoping to gradually ease back into all my responsibilities.”

  “So—part-time at first?”

  “If that’s okay with you.” Jenna’s serious demeanor was making her nervous. Legally she couldn’t be fired because she was having a baby. But she coul
d be reassigned to less compelling work. And that was something that would be extremely disappointing.

  Fortunately, however, that wasn’t what Jenna had in mind.

  “I think we can make this work. As long as I know your eventual plan is to return full time.”

  “Within a year, yes.”

  Jenna nodded. “Good.” Bending her head back over her papers, she made it clear that the conversation was over.

  Dani left the office feeling only a little relieved. Her job here in the lab with Jenna seemed to be secure. But she couldn’t help feeling the senior researcher was disappointed in her decision to have this baby. Jenna was one of those intense, focused people who lived for their work and couldn’t understand why other people didn’t share the same passion and drive. Once Dani had thought she was that sort of person, too.

  But finding out she was pregnant had changed her priorities. She was as surprised as anyone else by how much she wanted this baby. From the moment she’d seen the results of her pregnancy test—at home in the bathroom, worried about her late period—her values and priorities had undergone a massive restructuring.

  And there was no going back to the woman she had once been.

  *

  It took about three weeks for Lizbeth Greenway to convince her husband to come in to see Eliot. Nick finally agreed on the condition that he meet with Eliot alone. On the Wednesday he was due to come in, for the last appointment of the day at five o’clock, Eliot took his assistant Paige aside and explained what he needed.

  “I want this guy feeling comfortable and unthreatened. So set us up in the Sequoia Room, okay?” The Sequoia Room was more like a large living room area than a conference room. They generally used it for relaxed partner meetings and celebrations. Only rarely for the clients.

  “Have a selection of beer there, as well as soft drinks. Maybe even a bowl of potato chips. It’s the end of the day, he may feel like unwinding, which is good. Might help me figure out what’s going on in his head.”