Close to Her Heart

by C. J. Carmichael

  She hadn’t understood that until this moment. Notwithstanding the medical personal continually checking her, how alone she would feel.

  Time passed. Seconds or minutes, she couldn’t tell. Several nurses were hovering, checking vitals, preparing something out of her field of vision. Then Gwen asked her to put her feet into the stirrups.

  “You’re fully dilated Dani. It’s time to push.”

  One of the nurses stayed by her side. Her name was Cindy and she was very kind. She coached her through it, telling her when to breathe, when to push, when to relax.

  There was terrible pain, and a feeling of urgency. The baby was coming but it was pulling her apart. “I can’t!”

  “Yes, you can.” Cindy’s voice was gentle and assured. Like Dani’s mother’s.

  Yes. You. Can. The words ran through Dani’s head, over and over and the cycle of pushing, breathing and relaxing went on and on and on.

  And then it was “One last push, Dani. We see your baby’s head—”

  And whoosh. It was done.

  “You have a beautiful baby girl.”

  Dani didn’t have the strength to lift her head. A girl. She hadn’t admitted it until now, but she’d been hoping for a daughter. “Let me—” She wanted to ask to hold her baby, but her voice gave out.

  Someone new came into the room and introduced themselves. She tried to focus on the name. Dr. Wittingdale?

  “How are you doing?” Gwen came to the side of her bed and gave her shoulder a squeeze. “We just need to deliver the placenta. Try to relax.”

  Dani did. She was so relieved the pain was over. She had a baby. She’d done it. That Dr. Wittingdale—had he said he was a pediatrician? He must be checking her baby. When he was finished, maybe they’d let Dani hold her.

  Time went by. Her brain was too foggy to process how much. She heard murmured voices from one corner. A nurse was washing her up, raising her bed so she was in a semi-seated position. Then Gwen was back, surgical mask removed and smiling softly.

  “There is good news. Your baby’s heart and lungs are fine. She scored a nine on the Apgar test. A healthy, strong little thing. Six pounds, ten ounces.”

  Dani felt another contraction. This one of her heart. She wanted to pray. But she could tell it was too late. She pushed her upper body away from the bed so she could study her doctor’s familiar face. “But?”

  “Well, Dani, I’ve called in Dr. Wittingdale. He’s one of our top pediatricians. And he suspects—well, he’s quite sure—that your daughter has Down Syndrome.”

  Unexpectedly, Dani felt angry. “You can’t know that for sure.”

  Her doctor didn’t seem perturbed by her harsh words. “No. Not until we get the results from the blood test.”

  Dani tried to think of something logical to say. But every thought she had seemed to run up against a brick wall. In the end all she could manage was, “I want to hold her.”

  “Of course.”

  In stepped the nice nurse. Cindy. She had Dani’s baby already bundled into a cotton blanket. “And you can try to nurse her, too, if you can manage. Sometimes babies with Down Syndrome have a little trouble.”

  “That hasn’t been proven, yet.” Dani found herself snapping again.

  But as soon as she saw the little face, the dark, almond-shaped eyes, she knew.

  And in her heart, she admitted it was no less than what she’d expected. It was why she’d avoided the extra tests, because she’d known what they would find and the predicament they would put her in.

  She hadn’t wanted to make that choice, deciding to end the life of her baby.

  But by avoiding the test, she had made a choice. To bring this child into the world.

  And now it would be all up to her, to protect this sweet baby and love her. To make a home for her. To be her family.

  *

  Eliot picked up two orders of Thai salad on his way home from work. Lately, he and Dani had been having most of their evening meals together. Their friendship had continued to grow tighter in the wake of Miriam’s departure from Seattle. Which showed every sign of being permanent. Just that weekend there’d been an open house at her condo unit.

  She was selling.

  He felt guilty, but relieved. It wasn’t often a guy had to kick a naked woman out of his bed. Conversation after-the-fact was bound to be awkward.

  It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Miriam anymore. But she’d crossed too many lines.

  He tapped on Dani’s door, intending to drop off the food, then go home and change before joining her. When she didn’t answer, he modified his plans and went home first. Once he was in casual shorts and T-shirt, he sent her a text message.

  Ten minutes later, he tried her door again.

  By now he wasn’t worried about the Thai food getting cold. She was having the baby. He just knew it. Still, he remained calm enough to phone the clinic and confirm that she’d been admitted. She had. Eight hours ago.

  *

  Cindy, the nice nurse, turned out to be around Dani’s age. She had two children at home, six-year-old twins. “My sister, Mattie, had twins. The first six months were really tough. Mom spent a lot of time helping her. My family lives in Montana,” she added, as if that were important.

  Dani and the baby had been moved to a different room, where a curtain separated them from another new mom and her baby. The father had just left, taking with him a petulant two-year-old who didn’t seem thrilled at the idea of a new sibling.

  “Will your mom be coming to Seattle to help you?” Cindy asked. She was changing Baby Carrigan’s diaper now, following a somewhat successful first feeding.

  “No. My Mom died in a ranching accident many years ago.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Yes. Me, too.”

  “Here’s your baby, all clean and ready to sleep. Do you want me to put her in the bassinette so you can get some rest?”

  “No. I’ll hold her.”

  Cindy withdrew, closing the curtain behind her. Dani gazed down at her daughter’s tiny nose, pursed mouth, and chin no bigger than a button. This was their first moment alone, and Dani was surprised that she didn’t feel afraid. All she felt was a huge amount of tenderness and love.

  Dani was proud of the fact that her baby had latched on and suckled, even if for only five minutes. Lots of babies with Down Syndrome had problems breastfeeding. She hoped it was an omen. That her daughter would be able to thrive in this world, despite her disability.

  But the future was something Dani couldn’t think too much about right now. She’d handle life minute by minute for next few days. At some point, when she didn’t feel so overwhelmed, she’d catch her breath. Maybe then the reality of the situation would finally sink in.

  For half an hour Dani was content to hold her baby and watch her sleep. But then she realized she still hadn’t told anyone, not any of her friends or family, where she was and what had happened. Eliot might even be worried about her, since he usually checked in with her a few times a day.

  But before she spoke to anyone, she supposed the father of her baby ought to be the first to receive the news. Gently Dani settled her baby in the bassinette, then dug her phone out of her purse. Given the nature of their most recent conversation, she felt no qualms at all notifying Adrian of his daughter’s birth by text message.

  For once he responded almost immediately. “Everything okay?”

  It was a complicated question in this situation, but Dani felt justified in responding with a simple, “Yes.”

  “Good. I’ll see you shortly.”

  Now that surprised her even more than the quick answer to her text. Their agreement was still in the hands of their lawyers, but essentially it granted Dani sole custody and laid out Adrian’s financial obligations. Provisions had been made so that with sufficient notice, Adrian could visit the baby if he so wished. But she hadn’t expected he would ‘so wish’ very often.

  Dani had every intention of calling Eliot next. Then Portia and J
enna, and maybe even Miriam, though her friend hadn’t responded to any of her messages since she’d left Seattle.

  But the adrenaline rush she’d felt after the birth had trailed off, and she was suddenly sapped of energy. She’d just close her eyes for a bit. Only for ten minutes or so—

  *

  She must have slept longer than she intended, because the next thing Dani knew she sensed someone else in the room. She opened her eyes to find Adrian peering through the curtain. Based on the way he was dressed, a light gray blazer over dark jeans, with a button-down, blue shirt, she guessed he’d come directly from work.

  “What time is it?” She sat up and tucked her hair behind her ears. She must look like a mess.

  “Seven.”

  “In the evening?”

  He smiled. “You must have had a long day.” He set a small African violet plant on the window sill, then came and kissed her forehead, withdrawing quickly after the fleeting contact.

  He looked as handsome as ever, but somehow whatever qualities had previously drawn her to him had lost their power. Today all she noticed was that he seemed older than she recalled. And however he’d spent the summer, exercise didn’t seem to have been involved.

  “She’s over there.” Dani nodded at the bassinette. “Go ahead and pick her up if you’d like.” She thought about warning him. But her mind was still foggy from sleep and she couldn’t think of what to say anyway. She hadn’t expected him to visit or to show any interest in the baby.

  But he did. Tenderly he lifted the little bundle and brought her up to cradle in his arms. “She sure has a lot of hair.”

  “Yes.” Dark and wavy, like her daddy.

  “She has your nose,” he said. “Oh, she’s waking up now. Look at those eyes—”

  Suddenly, he tensed. He looked from the baby, to Dani, then back at the baby. “Oh my God, Dani. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think—”

  “I know, Adrian. Our baby has Down Syndrome, also known as Trisomy 21.” Unwittingly, she adopted a professorial tone to relay the information, as if by keeping her voice business-like, she could negate all the emotions that came with the information.

  Quickly, as if she were infectious, he placed the baby back in her bassinette. “How did this happen? There are tests. You should have been warned.”

  “They did discover certain abnormalities during my ultrasound. I decided against further testing.” She plucked at the sheet covering her body, her emotions oddly dulled. A defensive mechanism, no doubt.

  “Why the hell would you do that? And why wasn’t I consulted?”

  “Why should I? You never once offered to come to a medical appointment with me. Or called to check how I was doing. Or expressed any interest in the health of the baby.”

  “But I was still the father. I had a right to be included in this decision.”

  “It has nothing to do with you. I’m the one who’s going to raise her.”

  “While I’m stuck footing the bill.”

  “Really? That’s all you care about?” She’d instructed Eliot to ask only for the minimum child support required under the law, even though Eliot had told her he could probably make a case for more.

  “I wouldn’t have minded so much if the kid had a chance at a good life. But this baby is never going to grow up to be a productive member of society. You’re going to be saddled with looking after her all your life. And frankly, I could think of a lot better things to do with my money than—”

  “Enough.” Their argument was interrupted as Eliot stepped into the curtained area. His expression was hard, and his hands were in fists as he squared off against Adrian. “You better leave.”

  “Who the hell are you to tell me to leave?”

  Dani wanted to say that he was her friend. That he was the one person she could count on. The truth was, she couldn’t remember ever being so happy to see anyone as she was to see Eliot right then.

  But Eliot didn’t give her a chance to say anything. Two long steps had him towering over the shorter man. “I’m Dani’s friend and attorney. And I believe the legal agreement between you requires twenty-four hour notice should you want to spend time with your daughter—though based on what I just heard, I’m guessing you won’t be exercising that particular right very often.”

  “You can’t be much of a friend if you weren’t able to talk her out of this madness. Have you seen this baby? Any reasonable woman would have sought proper testing and then terminated the pregnancy once she found out it had Down Syndrome. Out of kindness to the child, if nothing else.”

  Her numbness was wearing off. Dani could feel the weight of her heart growing with each vile word Adrian spoke. Maybe he was right. What chance did their child have in this world, if her own father couldn’t love her?

  “You don’t know Dani at all, do you?” Eliot sounded incredulous. “I’m sure many women would do exactly what you just said. And that would be their right, absolutely. But that’s not Dani’s way.”

  “What do you know about Dani’s way?” Adrian made the words sound like a sneer.

  “She’s got a tender heart. Looks out for the underdog. Hey—she slept with you, right, the poor widowed father left to raise his daughter alone?”

  “You bastard.” Adrian’s sneer turned to a scowl. “You know nothing about me or my relationship with Dani. None of this is any of your business.”

  “Taking care of Dani—her legal interests—is absolutely my business. Now get out before I call security.”

  But he didn’t need to call anyone. A nurse had been alerted by the commotion and was drawing open the curtains and frowning. “What’s going on?”

  Eliot jerked a thumb at Adrian, then pulled out a wad of tissues from the package on the bedside table and dabbed away tears Dani hadn’t realized she’d shed.

  “I want him to go,” Dani said, pointing at Adrian, too.

  “I’ll gladly leave this disaster zone.” Adrian shot her one more disgusted look, then exited.

  The nurse eyed Dani keenly. “Are you okay now, dear?”

  She managed to nod.

  “Hit the button if anyone bothers you again.”

  Once the nurse was gone, Eliot snorted. “What an effing jerk.”

  Dani could have kissed him for saying that. But instead, to her utter dismay, she burst into tears.

  *

  It was a hell of a thing, to realize you were in love with a woman on the day she gave birth to another man’s child. Eliot had wanted to attack Adrian physically when he’d overheard the other man berating Dani about the baby. In his life he’d never hated anyone, not even in heated courtroom battles, but in that instant he’d hated Adrian.

  And a second later, he’d understood why. He’d been kidding himself about the nature of his feelings toward Dani. They went far beyond friendship. He was crazy about her, and he couldn’t even say when it had happened. Only that it had. The Down Syndrome, yes that had come as a shock. But all that mattered to him now was comforting Dani.

  He longed to gather her into his arms. But she’d curled up into a ball on the hospital bed, sobbing like her heart was breaking and undoubtedly it was. Maybe she needed this cry.

  Awkwardly he patted her back, then went to see the baby. Wide, almond-shaped eyes glanced in his direction as he bent over the bassinette. “Hello, sweetie. Quite the crazy world you’ve stepped into today.”

  She blinked, then her eyelids fluttered and she drifted into sleep.

  He touched her cheek, amazed at the softness. Then went back to sit by the side of Dani’s bed. “Hey. It’s going to be okay. Don’t let him get to you.”

  “B-but maybe he’s right.”

  “That asshole? I doubt it.”

  Dani made a choking sound, half laugh, half sob. “I t-thought if it happened, if she was born with Down Syndrome, that we’d be able to handle it. T-that she would still be happy. Have a good life, you know?”

  “And she still can. That professor of yours may be smart about some
things, but he’s no expert on Down Syndrome.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Every child with the syndrome is unique. Just like kids without the syndrome are, too. No way can you predict the future for any child when they’re one day old.” He passed her another wad of tissues.

  “That sounds like something my mother would have said. Thanks Eliot. I-I’m sorry you had to walk into all this drama.”

  He smoothed her hair away from her face, wondering if she had any idea how he felt. He couldn’t imagine his feelings were returned. Not yet, anyway. But maybe one day, he’d have a chance with her. Until then he’d be what she really needed right now. A friend.

  “I’m afraid, Eliot. What if I’m not strong enough to be the mother my baby needs?”

  “You’ll be strong enough,” he promised. And if she wasn’t, he’d be there to help her.

  *

  Eliot didn’t leave the clinic until Dani had calmed down, fed the baby again, then fallen back to sleep. It was dark, almost nine o’clock. As he walked toward his SUV, he glanced at his phone and saw Nick Greenway had called.

  What the hell. He decided to phone him back. “What’s up?”

  “Lizbeth has decided to file for divorce again.”

  “I heard.”

  “Well. Can’t you stop her? You managed to talk her out of it last time.”

  “Maybe that was a mistake on my part.”

  “It wasn’t. She loves me. And I still love her.”

  “Even though she cheated on you?” Eliot had reached his SUV. Instead of getting inside, he leaned against the hood and stared back at the clinic, trying to count the windows and figure out which one belonged to Dani’s room.

  “Yeah. Even though.”

  “Then, what’s the problem?”

  “She wants me to treat that baby like it’s mine. And I can’t.”

  Eliot had no more patience for this. “Look, Nick. Do you love her or not?”

  “I do. I told you. But how can I help raise a child that some other guy fathered?”