by Wendi Felter
“If you insist on t-talking to me, then I won’t be home much,” he said, trying to sound cold.
“You like being home, Damon. You’re not the partying type. You need time alone.”
“Well, I’m not alone much when I’m home, am I?”
She shrugged.
“And since you won’t leave me alone, I may as well stay out.” What could he say to stop her from looking at him with such love on her face? It seared him raw because he felt the same way towards her. How could he chase her away from him? He had to say something brutal.
“Maybe I’ll find a woman to spend t-time with.”
Heaven’s face instantly sobered and she paled. He hated himself.
She recovered quickly and said, in a steady voice, “I thought you didn’t want a relationship. Remember, you don’t deserve to get married and you can’t have kids.”
“I don’t mean marriage – k-kids. Just somebody to hang around with – for sex – no strings attached.” As he flung the hurtful words at her, he stared at her wounded eyes, so stricken, and wanted to crush her to him and tease the top of her head with his lips, and then…
“You would do that while I’m staying here?” Her voice shook. “If you did, that would certainly shatter my image of what I think you are.”
He saw her eyes water, but had to keep his face hard.
“Yes.” He didn’t blink. “I would do it.”
“Why?”
He didn’t answer; couldn’t answer. Obviously he needed to force her away from him. He stared at her, unmoving.
“That would be cruel. You know I love you.”
Tear my heart out of my chest, why don’t you?
But that’s exactly how brutal he needed to be in order to turn her against him. “I t-told you I’m no good. Damon the do-gooder is a charade.”
“I – I don’t believe that.” She lifted her chin higher. “I won’t believe you’ll find another woman while I’m still here either. You don’t have it in you to be that unkind.”
So he’d found the way he could chase her safely from his ugly clutches. He didn’t want to be with another woman. Hell, he wondered if he’d ever want another woman again. But he could pretend. “I tried t-to tell you I’m no good. Hell, I’m evil.”
“No!” She covered her ears.
“I can kill, if necessary.”
“To save lives! Anyone could kill to save a loved one!”
“Maybe I wanted my mother dead.” The words streamed from his mouth almost against his will. He felt desperate to save her from him…he’d say anything to make her stop loving him.
His statement had clearly shocked her. She winced and caught his eyes; her own blue ones clear, beautiful and round. “Did you?”
No, he hadn’t. Even though she’d failed to protect him and his siblings, he’d loved her. Even though she’d made excuses for their father, he’d loved her. Even when she’d promised to leave and take him, Aiden and Kendra to safety, then didn’t fulfill that promise, he’d still loved her. Since he couldn’t answer in the affirmative, he didn’t answer at all. He gazed at Heaven, trembling inside, hoping he looked cold and harsh, feeling anything but.
“I’ve been close to you for two months, Damon, and I saw the wonderful man behind this mask.” Heaven seemed to pull herself together now. “Something about our night together caused that wall to surround you again, but I’m going to get behind it again. I swear I will.” Her conviction rattled him.
“Our night together!” Damon crossed his arms, frantic now. This lovely, sweet, caring woman seemed so determined to believe in him even more than he’d ever believed in himself. “You call that a night together. I call it two kids playing around!”
She flinched. “Well, that’s the most I’ve done – more than I expected myself capable of. Over time…”
“I can’t handle your sexual hang-ups!” He could see the devastation on her face and he just wanted to kneel before her and beg her to understand his cruelty. Of course, he couldn’t let her know how he hated himself just then. “What we did wasn’t enough for me.”
They stared at each other, both breathing hard.
Heaven coughed a few times and Damon felt something pulling at the back of his eyes, but he held himself in check. When Heaven spoke again, she didn’t quite look at him. “That was – well, I can’t believe you’re saying these things. It’s so unlike you.” She lifted her chin. “I trust you and could eventually do anything you wanted, if you’d only have patience with me. I – really felt like I wanted all of you, Damon. It could happen.”
“Maybe I’m not so patient.”
Her eyes flashed. “Must be hard to work so hard at being an asshole!” She finally lost it and burst into tears, shattering him. He almost ran to her, but she started backing away. “No matter what you say, I know you’re trying to hurt me just to drive me away. You are hurting me! Nobody can hurt me like you can. But you’ll never drive me away because you’re just play-acting!” Suddenly, she bent over and held her abdomen.
“Heaven!” Damon ran up to her this time and put his arm around her.
She twisted out of his grasp. “Don’t touch me after what you’ve said; how you’ve behaved!”
“Heaven, please.” He grabbed her wrists, ignoring her attempt to free herself. “You’re carrying twins. Don’t get upset. I’m not worth it! How do you think I’ll feel if you lose those babies because of me?”
She stopped struggling and they locked in a stare. The heat from her gaze caused a shudder in his gut. They were so close he could kiss her parted, pink, delicious lips…
No, he couldn’t do that to her…no more encouragement.
“Take care of yourself and the babies forget about me,” he said, his whole façade threatening to crumble.
Her eyes were so round; so full of feeling. Suddenly she reached up and brushed back the hair that spilled over his ear, causing a shudder to race through his body, heating up the coldness. “You’re so worth it, Damon. The only person who can’t see it is you.”
His cold façade no longer worked, and, when he spoke again, he could tell that he sounded drained. “Go away, Heaven. We’ll exist in the same house until you have to leave, but, we can’t be together.”
“And I’m going to try to change your mind,” she said, almost as a threat.
“You won’t.” He straightened up and reluctantly let go of her, his body crying out for her touch as he withdrew himself.
She said nothing then turned and strode, awkwardly, out of the room.
Letting out a weary sigh, he turned and walked to his chair, plopping down on it, head leaning back against the cushions, eyes shut. He really didn’t know how far he’d be able to go to make Heaven hate him. He hoped she kept her distance and didn’t force his hand.
But he knew she wouldn’t keep her distance from him and it would eat away at him. He wished he could take their relationship to a higher level, and then wait for her divorce to go through, live together for a year or so and maybe marry her one day. Pipedreams.
Twins, he thought to himself. How he wished the twins were his own. Then, again, he couldn’t ever raise children, so that wouldn’t have been good at all.
Damon was sick of himself, his thoughts, his fears, and his self-hatred. All he wanted to do was to fall asleep and stop thinking. He slid further down on the chair, his legs hanging over the end of the ottoman. He folded his hands against the arm of the chair, rested his cheek against his hands and eventually fell into darkness
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Heaven? Don’t you like me anymore?” Kendra’s question caught Heaven off-guard.
Sitting next to Kendra, she looked up from the computer. “Oh, Kendra, of course I do!” She spoke with a lot of emotion. “I’m just so tired all the time.”
“The babies.”
“Yes.” Heaven, now seven and a half months pregnant, felt as large as a house. Her back and feet hurt and sometimes she had cramps and even a little spotting
. Dr. Miller had warned her to go on bed rest. She couldn’t do it. Who would care for Kendra? If she just took it easy, she felt she’d be all right.
Damon, true to his promise, spent little time at home, and, when at home, no time with her. She felt him watching her, but refused to believe he found her attractive anymore. Not in her condition. On the other hand, she found him more wickedly handsome than ever before, if that were possible.
With the cooler September weather, he wore a lot of tight sweaters that hugged his to-die-for body. Other days he’d throw on a tee, but toss a flannel shirt over it, leaving it unbuttoned, tails hanging over his jeans. His hair now fell below his collar and he usually kept a day’s growth of beard on his face, maybe to keep him warm through some of the colder days. And maybe to please a woman.
Heaven suspected he’d found a woman. When they passed near each other, the unpleasant odor of cheap perfume often lingered with his usual scent. She felt lonely and deserted. To be so near the man she loved, with him so distant, destroyed her inside.
The door to Kendra’s room swung open. Heaven jumped to her feet, crying out happily. Aiden! They hugged each other and Heaven kissed him on the cheek. He hadn’t come in from college for a long time, and she welcomed his surprise visit this Friday evening. After making small talk, and admiring Kendra’s new software, Aiden and Heaven decided to take advantage of an Indian summer heat wave and walk around the grounds.
As the two of them talked, in companionable fashion, the topic turned to Kendra.
“It’s no good for her to be in the house all the time, Heaven. Do you agree?”
“She could be doing more. It’s hard to get her away from the computer.”
They walked in silence around the pond. “I’ve been thinking about asking Damon to start a group home for autistic adults. If she lived away from him, she’d have to interact with other residents. Plus I’d make sure field trips and social gatherings took place often.” He went on to eagerly explain the specifics, impressing Heaven with both is zeal to do good and his obviously well thought out planning.
Heaven glanced over at him, feeling like a proud older sister. “I think it’s a great idea. Where would it be?”
Aiden waved towards the expanse of land. “We have room on the property! That way Kendra would be close, but not always sitting in her room on the computer. I’m wondering if you think Damon would support me or throttle me.”
Heaven couldn’t resist a laugh. “You think I know what he’d do? He’s tossed me out of his life. I never see him.”
Aiden frowned. “Yeah, he’s being an ass, but you have a weird understanding of him. What do you think he’d say?”
“He’d be protective of Kendra at first. Then he’d think about it and decide your idea is really very good. I think he’ll be proud of you.”
“Think so?”
“You have to have a dream, Aiden, something that means a lot, something to fight and work for. Without it, life lacks meaning.”
“What do you mean?”
“I had a dream once. I gave it up for love.” Heaven laughed. “Look where it got me. I came here with nothing; your brother gave me a job and a chance to save up money for my future. Once I wanted to be a Special Ed Teacher. Now I don’t know what I want to do.” She watched her stepping feet. “I just know I don’t want to leave. I love it here.”
“Love it?” Aiden knocked her in the arm. “Or love Damon?”
“Both, but I can’t stay. He won’t let me.”
“If I talk him into helping me start a home, you can stay.”
She glanced over at him, puzzled.
“I’d want you to work for me. You could work part-time while you go to school during the day. I’d help you hire a wonderful sitter for the twins while you’re at classes. You could live either with me or somewhere nearby. I’d help you anyway possible, Heaven.”
She felt a rush of warmth towards him. “Damon would kill you. He wants me to leave.”
“No, he doesn’t. Not really.”
“Then he’s sure putting on a good act. I haven’t spent any time with him for weeks.”
They walked in silence again and Heaven kicked a can out of her way.
“I’ll make sure you two spend time together, Heaven. Make my thick-headed brother, who thinks he needs to be alone, see that you’re the best thing he ever had.”
Heaven shook her head. “You don’t know how stubborn Damon is about this.”
Aiden laughed. “I know how stubborn he is about everything, but two can play at this game. I really like you. I don’t want you to go to Canada either.”
“I still have to get away from Gavin, Aiden. I can’t stay.”
“If you live and work right here, on the property, Gavin can’t get you. Damon will find a way to take care of Gavin.”
They halted by the pond and both faced the quiet blue of water. “My brother loves you, no matter how he’s behaving.”
She watched her distorted image in the water. “Aiden, I thought so too, at one time, but now I’m not sure. Look at me.” She brushed her shirt with a hand, as though ridding herself of lint. “I’m so big I can’t see the ground.” She tugged on the material of the oversized tee shirt that accentuated her extended abdomen.
“It’s deeper than physical attraction with you and Damon.”
“Please, Aiden. Let’s not talk about this.” She felt her stomach twisting. “It’s too hard.”
“Sorry.”
She nodded, and then doubled over as she felt a twinge. “Ow, shit!”
Aiden bent over her, a hand gripping her arm. “Are you all right?”
“I’ve been having cramps lately.” As she spoke she felt a twinge in her back. She grit her teeth, then smiled as Aiden’s face radiated alarm. “They aren’t too bad. False labor. Dr. Miller told me to take it easy.” She omitted the part about bed rest.
“Maybe we shouldn’t be walking.”
The pain subsided. “Maybe I should rest.”
They turned and headed towards the house, talking about pregnancy.
“Men should have to go through it. The population would decline.
As they arrived at the house, Damon opened the door, almost crashing into them.
“Oh, hi,” he said, nodding at Aiden and avoiding Heaven. “I didn’t know you were in town, Aiden. I would have made t-time for you, but now I have plans.” He sounded apologetic.
“I think I’ll go inside,” Heaven started pushing past him, her body tingling from head to toe as she accidentally brushed against his hard body.
Aiden grabbed her arm. “Stay,” he said, and pulled her back.
Damon and Heaven found themselves staring at one another. Unused to seeing him so close anymore, he rendered her breathless. He wore his powder blue tee and jeans, and, as usual of late, needed a shave.
Heaven’s trance broke at the sound of Aiden’s voice.
“Where are you going, Damon?”
“Out.”
“Well, take Heaven with you! Do you know how bored Heaven must be? She’s in the house with Kendra most of the time and never goes anywhere. Don’t you think it would be nice if you’d at least take her for a drive? I’ll watch Kendra.”
Heaven watched in shocked silence as Damon’s eyes grew wary.
“I have plans,” Damon finally said in a frosty voice.
“The damn plans can wait,” Aiden said.
“Aiden, really,” Heaven said, hating Damon as much as she loved him just then. “Damon is proving to me that he’s as big an ass as he said he is. Don’t try to make him do something nice.” She started to stomp into the house, but Aiden grabbed her arm again.
“Damon, I don’t want an ass for a brother,” Aiden said. “If you don’t stop the way you’re treating Heaven, who is a dear friend of mine, I’m going to – oh, fuck it! Sorry, Heaven.” He stomped in the grass. “I guess Damon isn’t the man I always thought he was.”
Heaven suddenly realized that Aiden was putting on an a
ct to force Damon to spend time with her.
“I don’t really think I want much to do with you anymore!” Aiden went on as he kept walking away.
Heaven noticed that his steps had grown smaller, but Damon didn’t seem aware of it. He bolted after his brother and grabbed his arm. “What’s with you?” she heard him ask, almost in a whisper. Heaven could barely hear the response.
She saw Damon’s round eyes and Aiden’s stubborn, jutting chin and grinned. Maybe her time with Damon would be forced, and fueled by his desire to please Aiden, but she knew she’d get her time. And she’d need every moment of it. She needed to remind Damon of the connection they shared.
A few minutes passed, when Aiden and Damon headed towards her. Aiden looked as if he were holding in a grin. Damon looked mutinous. As they stopped before her, Aiden winked at her and she caught it out of the corner of her eye.
Damon’s lips were pressed in a straight line. She lifted her head and tilted it.
“Did you force Aiden to blackmail me?” he asked, crossing his arms.
“Blackmail?” She laughed. “No, I didn’t force him to do anything at all.”
“My own thoughts, Bro. If you’re an asshole to my best friend, I won’t have much to do with you anymore.”
“Emotional blackmail,” Damon muttered. Icy eyes found hers. “Under the circumstances, knowing I’m doing this under protest, do you want to take a drive with me? I have to look at some land I may buy, and I have an appointment.” He glowered at her.
She wanted time with him under any circumstance. It was her only hope. “Sounds great,” she said, in a cheerful voice.
Damon shot her a look to kill, and then marched towards the garage. “Meet me at the car then. Are you happy now, Aiden?”
“Your attitude isn’t good,” Aiden said.
“Tough.” He kept moving.
When Damon was out of earshot, Heaven grinned at Aiden. “Thanks.” Then she felt a stab in her abdomen again, and wondered if it wouldn’t be best to stay home and call the doctor.
No, she’d be fine. She couldn’t pass up maybe her last chance to spend time alone with Damon. After slapping Aiden on the arm, she strode towards the garage, trying to shrug off a few minor twinges in her belly.