Stages on Life’s Way

by Søren Kierkegaard

  Nebuchadnezzar.

  Sits on his throne. The wise men are summoned to explain how it happened that he became an ox; they could not.

  Thereupon he has an accurate story drawn up depicting himself, and a slave has to be present at all times to represent him as he looked when he was an ox.

  He orders a great festival to be held every year in remembrance of his having been an ox.

  In margin: Was ich erlebte [What I experienced]121 when I was an ox.—Pap. V B 132 n.d., 1844

  Penciled in draft; see 360:10-363:15:

  Eusebius praeparatio evangelica, 9, 41.122

  —Pap. V B 139 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 360:9-363:15:

  [V B 137 231] Nebuchadnezzar’s Last Will and Testament and His End

  [First three verses almost identical with first three in text]

  4. And great was my wisdom and like a dark saying that [V B 137 232] none of the wisest could explain.

  5. That they could not tell me what I had dreamed, and I had them executed.

  6. But the Mighty One, the Lord, is more powerful, and his wisdom is like a dark saying in action—indeed, like the deepest darkness in its inexplicableness. . . .

  [V B 137 233] 16. And my nails grew long like claws, and no one knew what I knew, that I was Nebuchadnezzar.

  17. And the Mighty One, the Lord, has no treasurers and bailiffs, and no slingers and watchmen, and yet he has done it alone. . . .

  20. Behold, this is why I will praise him as the One who is mightier than N. and seek his friendship so that I could learn to do the same.

  22. And I summoned all the wise men so that they could explain to me on pain of loss of my favor how it happened to me.

  23. But they threw themselves on their faces and said: Great Nebuchadnezzar, it is a hallucination, who is capable of doing this.

  24. But now Babel is not the powerful Babel, and my armies do not protect my throne, and it does not help that the night watchmen sit watching when the enemy come.

  In margin: 24. [changed in pencil to: verse 17 add.] And I pondered [V B 137 234] long in my own thoughts and kept my thoughts to myself, for no one could perceive anything but a voice resembling an animal’s. . . .

  27. But I, I Nebuchadnezzar, will not be envious of him, even if I do not believe in him, nor will I give back his silver and gold vessels, but I want this to be preserved. . . .

  29. And the wisest among the people will be led through the streets and be dressed as an animal, and all the people shall shout: The Lord, the Lord, the Lord is the Mighty One. . . . —Pap. V B 137 n.d., 1844

  Addition to Pap. V B 137:

  [6] The Mighty One the Lord

  [8] for this king is not like a border neighbor, a nation with whom one can fight. he has no boundaries.

  It is true that I do not believe in him, but I owe it to him to confess that he is the Mighty One, I Neb.—

  [18] In his hands, a king’s brain is like wax in the melting furnace, and kings’ thoughts like a sewing thread in a child’s hands.

  [10] And although it was prophesied I nevertheless did not believe it. I still do not believe it.

  [27] But I owe it to him to let his power be justly honored.

  [28] Therefore every seventh year a festival shall be held in recollection of and in honor of him who was greater than Nebuchadnezzar.

  [22-23] And I summoned the wise men to see if they could explain to me how this happened. But they answered and said: Great N., it is a hallucination, and I had them executed.

  [20] If I could learn how he conducted himself, I would be just as powerful.

  [25] But I have no joy from my might, of what use are all my spearmen, since I do not know whether I may become a bird that they mistake and shoot, or a tree from whose branches they make arrows.—Pap. V B 140 n.d., 1844

  In margin of draft; see 363:15:

  NB

  June 5

  Midnight

  Nebuchadnezzar

  —Pap. V B 118:1

  In margin of sketch; see 363:17-365:12:

  Midnight

  As a child I believed that the little fishing pond was the great ocean—to be developed—now it is just the same, this little girl is the whole world for me.—Pap. V B 98:13 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 364:29-365:12:

  In this respect, all my suffering is altogether a favor, for even the most gifted mind does not begin to understand himself unless a situation helps him in this way.

  In margin: Even if I never finish there where she is finished. For suppose she became another’s; then I would always still have the possibility of spiritual struggle, the possibility that it would suddenly strike me (through reading a book—through a casual word, which sometimes has the most powerful effect) or by myself I would discover that my depression was not chronic or that a marriage could be built in spite of it—suppose this happened; then I would have the opportunity to perceive the pain purely esthetically.—Pap. V B 118:2 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 365:20-21:

  I am like a human being that could be used in world-historical [V B 118 3 213] crises; I am like a guinea pig that life uses in order to see on me how it looks. Similarly, an artist has a sketch to which [V B 118 214] he now adds a little and from which he now removes a little before and while he works on his work of art; similarly, the chemist drafts a calculation and makes a new calculation before he proceeds to carry it out. And similarly, I am a sketch, a calculation.—Pap. V B 118:3 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 365:36:

  Relative earnestness is really narrow-mindedness.—Pap. V B 118:5 n.d., 1844

  Deleted from sketch; see 368:8-17:

  Midnight.

  I was walking with another person, we met her, I knew he was not acquainted with her, I said: How miserable the girl looks, he answered: No. It made me indescribably happy. By chance, she happened to return the very same way, we met her again, and I said: You are right, she does not look miserable, and he said: That’s just what I said. What luck. This way I obtained an expert appraisal.—Pap. V B 97:43 n.d., 1844

  From sketch; see 369:27-370:38:

  Morning [V B 97 51 180]

  During this whole operation of irony, he secretly ponders whether it could not be done. Then she throws herself away at so low a price, and his misgivings nevertheless were indeed essentially sympathetic. He is thinking this over for his own sake also, how much easier it will make his life.* Then he runs up against the wedding and thereby his own inclosing reserve; [V B 97 51 181] even if he would do everything and she permitted it, he must take an oath. By an oath he binds himself and has only himself to deal with; he could eschew a wedding; a purely romantic connection is an insult. The idea absolutely dishonored.

  In margin: *Also with respect to all those around her, who are entirely to his liking. To have so much at stake on one play.

  A benefaction to her, and I am her benefactor—God spare me that—if she is suffering from stifled sighs, then I am suffering from stifled thoughts—one sobs—the fish gasps.—Pap.V B 97:51 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 369:27-370:4:

  But could I not yield to her for my own sake? If I am allowed to remain the person I am, and she will put up with everything, then I do indeed see what joy it could be for me that there was a person who would care about me fervently as a woman can. And if she now not only puts up with everything but begs me, begs me for it as for a benefaction for which she will thank me all her life, a benefaction for which almost all those (whom, as I expected, I have found to be lovable) around her will come to thank me.

  In margin: when I made myself believe that my break with the idea was commendable, since it was for her sake, and so took her at her word, her impassioned words—Pap. V B 109:1 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 370:20-26:

  When someone who has been changed by evil spirits to the likeness of an animal sees himself, he despairs, and if I were to come to see myself and saw that I had been changed: that I had become a benefacto
r, her benefactor!—Pap. V B 109:2 n.d., 1844

  Deleted from sketch; see 371:10-28:

  Morning.

  A casual remark at a dinner party that becoming engaged makes one thin, but getting married makes one fat. He cites his father, who has been married two times and yet became thin.—Pap. V B 97:49 n.d., 1844

  Deleted from sketch; see 372:28-380:2:

  Midnight. [V B 98:8 182]

  In the Middle Ages a person saved his soul by saying his beads a certain number of times. If I could save my soul that way by repeating the story of my sufferings, I would be saved. —Is it perhaps because my repetition is not praying? But of course one does also have to work.

  In margin: but nevertheless it was also curious. Everything was superbly arranged, the family as I wished it, she also, it [V B 98 8 183]progressed—and then suddenly came my depression—yet now I understand that my depression makes all confidentiality impossible for me.

  A thank-you to God.

  learn to know medical officer D, and the sympathizing families instead of God.

  Penciled in margin: My excuse

  —Pap. V B 98:8 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 373:31-32:

  . . . . . would from her side become a misalliance since I would acquire all the power, she none whatsoever, I would become the depository of the content of her whole soul, she only insofar as it pleases myself.—Pap. V B 119:1 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 374:8-10:

  I can concern myself about a person as perhaps not many are able to do, but I cannot accept the concern of another person who is supposed to be my confidant, for he nevertheless will not become that.—Pap. V B 119:2 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 374:21-375:12:

  Flee from it I cannot; I must bear the thought until I find a [V B 119 3 214] religious reassurance, and only then am I free until something new comes along. For example, once I was seized by the thought that it must be horrifying to be buried alive. Instantly [V B 119 3 215] it became clear to me that this might happen to me, for although I have the most inspired conception that God is love, I also have the conception that in time and temporality one must be prepared to suffer everything and that it is only sensate and physical conceptions of God that believe one is exempted from this.[*] At first I tried to find some means or other of protecting myself. I once jotted them all down, and someone who is not very scheming would surely be astonished at the cunningness of my calculations. But then my depression impounded my cleverness and now I had to think up just as ingenious objections, until it was clear that there was no certainty at all in the whole wide world; even if I had all the cleverness of the world, even if all mankind were to do everything for me, there was no protection against it possibly happening to me. What then? Then I had to see about finding a religious reassurance. So I practice thinking the thought and include my conception of God’s love. Gradually I become intimate with it, intimate with the thought that it might happen to me, but also with the thought that God is still love and that everything will turn out for the good and that one dies only once, even if one is buried alive. Now and then I am visited by the thought. It lasts but a minute, the very same minute I am reoriented in my religious view, and the whole thing does not disturb me at all; but I do nevertheless have the thought.

  With respect to the person who wants something finite, the point is to keep the terrors away; with respect to the religious, the point is to be receptive to the terrors, to open oneself to them—but also to be led to victory through this process of annihilation.

  [*]In margin: A blending of Judaism and Christianity

  —Pap. V B 119:3 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 375:27-30:

  If the task were to conceal one’s depression, then I would be omnibus numeris absolutus et perfectus [absolute and perfect in all details],123 and all, of course, declare the task to be that, and I believed it myself until I realized that the wedding is a divine protest against it.—Pap. V B 119:4 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 381:10-383:34:

  . . . . . sides; even in this moment I am certain that almost anyone I would consult about what a depressed man should do in order not to torture a wife would answer: He should inclose it within himself like a man. To that I would answer: I am just the man for that, and then he would smile suspiciously at me, as if I were a braggart, but he would not understand my doubt, that to be inclosingly reserved is in conflict with the ethical commitment in marriage. This does not mean that a married man is supposed to blab out everything, but it does mean that he must not hide something about which he can say, “I cannot disclose that to her.”—Pap. V B 119:11 n.d., 1844

  Deleted from margin of sketch; see 381:10-383:34:

  Midnight.

  That I have not received her forgiveness—light to be thrown on the impossibility of this.—Pap. V B 98:17 n.d., 1844

  From sketch; see 382:4-6:

  Morning

  She has said that she did perceive that I would be better off being free, but I would never be happy in any case, so I could just as well take her along.—Pap. V B 97:27 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 382:4-6:

  She herself said that I would be much happier without her.—Pap. V B 119:12 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 382:8-15:

  In her opinion, it was a matter of moving me religiously by the authority of duty and of the sacred, to move me sympathetically by her misery. If I had spoken at this point, I would have had to say, “It is my highest wish to remain with you, and I am not exactly tempted to leave you and my pride in the lurch.” She very likely would not have taken time to hear the latter, she would have been jubilant, she would have said . . . —Pap. V B 119:13 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 382:37-38:

  Then she could also have become mine.—Pap. V B 119:14 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 383:3-6:

  This, you see, is why I do not have it. She cannot complain about it, for her demand to me has become infinitely much more than she could make it by herself. An official . . . . . —Pap. V B 119:15 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 383:34:

  I also found a religious point of departure for the whole thing only by virtue of a break by which I became guilty because I saw a divine protest against the whole affair. This is my last resort. On an intermediate level I have to the utmost of my capacities done everything my understanding could teach me to be of service to her. I have made it possible for her to assume that I was a deceiver, a twaddler, an irresponsible person, and all such categories come naturally to her; this is something she can understand.—Pap. V B 119:16 n.d, 1844

  From draft; see 384:3-5:

  I shudder when I think about her suddenly beginning to understand cum emphasi [with emphasis] how I am still clinging to her. What confusion, and what a satire on various ones.—Pap. V B 119:17 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 384:8-9:

  Compared with this, every prosaic dabbling at wanting to revenge oneself, for example by taking another, is only a jest.—Pap. V B 119:18 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 384:19-25:

  This is and continues to be for me my rich consolation, my original faith in the consistency of existence: that it must become clear . . . —Pap. V B 119:19 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 386:6-8:

  What consoles me is that his view is found in her soul, once she is worked upon by other interpreters, whom I shall incite against me in such a way that they help her.—Pap. V B 110:1 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 387:33-388:4:

  . . . . . what this situation means.*

  In margin: *And guess, then, what does it mean? Why is the girl crying? And he who is with her, who is he? And which of them is suffering more? What if he who is with her had no religious premises and after having seen this agony could only find rest in the wildest diversions, even if he became a seducer, he would still only see in the seduced girl the resemblance to her because he loved only her. But since he is not at all the kind of a person to cause such fears, he will surely
cling to her memory, alas, till his last breath. Come then and tell him something, you who have seen the dreadful in life, you who have traveled widely, tell him, you tried and tested sea-hero, that you have lain at sea where the ship would not obey the rudder, where the anchor could not hold it, Good God, he has even seen or thought he saw a confusion in the laws of existence where the state of upheaval would not obey the rudder of an honest will. Tell about a dead calm—he was a poor wretched lover who desperately had every sail out to catch the wind, but there was none—tell about upheavals—he was a poor wretched lover who murdered the one he loved not by accident but in accord with his most honest conviction.—Pap. V B 111 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 388:25-27:

  . . . . . be it forbidden me to become despondent. Moreover, I have no reason yet, and as soon as I have the reason, I know very well that I shall not become despondent. This despondency is a fruit of possibility.—Pap. V B 121 n.d., 1844

  From sketch; see 390:4-9:

  Morning.

  Suppose she suddenly became ill through all this—and I who carry the heavy burden of my dissimulation.—Pap. V B 97:26 n.d., 1844

  Deleted from sketch; see 152:7-9, 383:36, 390:10-391:11:

  Midnight.

  Almost all the reports in the last part will deal on occasion with a reunion in eternity.

  Klopstock124—Meta—must try to find.

  In margin: Recollections of her come on occasion, of her life with him, precisely because he now believes he has to give her up in the infinite sense.—Pap. V B 98:7 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 390:32-33:

  In time I shall be an unhappy lover; more I do not ask. I have never understood that time was any good for anything else but making a person unhappy—and thus happy in a consciousness of eternity.—Pap. V B 122:1 n.d., 1844

  From draft; see 391:10-11:

  . . . . . and basically have always loved her more than myself, in so doing unhappy, so unhappy that everyone would say it was untruth.—Pap. V B 122:2 n.d., 1844

  Deleted from sketch; see 391:30-392:22:

  Midnight.

  I saw her today. She did not see me. She was walking with another girl, cheerful and happy. So perhaps she becomes pale only when she sees me. I am as if sentenced at the king’s pleasure.125 As soon as I see her happy and healthy, my fate is mitigated. If she were to marry, I would be released.