by Andrea Grigg
There was silence for a bit. When she resumed her story, her voice was husky. ‘Mum and Roger didn’t pressure me at all. They said they would support me however I needed. We were at Marshalls Creek and Janet and Henry offered to have me stay. It took a long time to make up my mind, but I decided to adopt the baby out, right from the start.’
Nick yanked at tufts of grass, surprised at the depth of his resentment. ‘Why didn’t you keep him?’
‘I wanted to, Nick. It wasn’t an easy decision.’ Lainey’s voice dropped to a whisper. ‘He was part of you.’
Sudden tears blurred his vision and he stopped his attack on the plant life. Of course it hadn’t been easy. Not at all.
Leaning back on his hands, he stared out over the water. ‘Go on.’
‘I could’ve put him into a foster home and reviewed the situation later on, but I didn’t. I wanted him to have as stable an upbringing as possible, so I put my trust in the Lord, and made the choice I did. After that, I joined Mum and Roger in Sydney and finished high school.’
Out of the corner of his eye, he watched her choose another leaf to dismantle. ‘There’s another thing. On the birth certificate, I put ‘father unknown’. I hated doing it, Nick, but I did it in case you became famous, and now that you have, I’m glad I did. I was worried about some strange person getting hold of the certificate somehow and coming after you, causing a problem. But I promise that if our son ever comes looking for me, I’ll tell you straight away.’
The tightness in his chest didn’t ease when he rubbed at it. ‘It seems to me you’ve made a lot of decisions I should’ve had a right to share.’
‘Nick, please. I was so young and very scared.’
The leaf was gone. Before she could get another, he captured her hands and held them still. He loved this girl, didn’t he?
Staring at her bowed head, he tried to put himself in her place. He was a songwriter; he had a better than average imagination, but this was taxing its limits.
Then, as he pictured her holding their baby like she had held Shelby, the hard core of anger began to soften. ‘Tell me what he looked like.’
‘He was perfect, just perfect.’ Her tear-filled eyes came up to meet his ‘Oh, Nick. He has your bent finger.’ She pulled her hands away, covered her face, and wept.
Chapter Eighteen
Nick held Lainey while she cried. When she sat back, she saw his cheeks were wet too.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, unsure what to say or do next.
He wiped his face and stood to his feet. ‘Give me ten minutes, Lainey.’ And walked off.
Nick could have as long as he needed. She’d had years and didn’t expect him to process all this in the space of a few minutes. Lainey lay on her back, rested her arm on her forehead, closed her eyes, and remembered.
The moment Liam arrived in a slither and rush … falling in love the moment she breathed in the warm smell of her newborn … the bittersweet discovery of his misshapen pinkie, just like Nick’s …
She remembered the agony when the midwife wheeled her son out of her room, out of her life. And yet, the presence of the Lord had been with her in a special way at that moment. She would never forget that.
It could have been ten minutes or it might have been sixty before she heard Nick’s footsteps. He lay down on his side, propped on his elbow and just looked at her.
‘How are you?’ She didn’t know what else to say.
‘Shell-shocked, amongst other things.’ He leaned over and placed his palm on her stomach, warm through her shirt. ‘I missed seeing him grow.’
‘That’s why I was upset yesterday.’ She put her hand over his. ‘Watching you do that to Sharon made me jealous. I wanted you there every time he moved, every time he kicked. I wanted to share everything with you.’ A tear snaked its way down her temple.
‘I’m so sorry, Lainey, for getting you pregnant, causing you to go through this all on your own.’
‘I wasn’t exactly unwilling, Nick.’
‘I know, but I should have been more responsible.’ He removed his hand and she missed it at once. ‘Tell me everything.’
It would be hard, very hard, but it needed to be done.
Lainey sat up and took a deep breath. ‘It was Christmas night when I told Mum I thought I was pregnant. She was horribly shocked but didn’t get mad, just held me while I cried and cried. The guilt was horrendous. I was terrified of Roger’s reaction; he didn’t speak to me for days, which was better than I deserved. Mum was brilliant with him.
‘It was Henry’s idea I stay. I worked in his hardware store in the mornings and helped Janet in the afternoons. After Mum left, it was hard but Janet was lovely. She introduced me to her friends at church and they took me under their wing. Not once did they judge me or make me feel like a heathen. I did a fabulous job of that all by myself.’
Nick gave a half laugh. ‘I’ll bet you did.’
Lainey smiled weakly then looked over at the water. ‘It didn’t take long to see how tough it is to raise a child. I saw how Janet and Henry worked together and when your letters never came, I figured I’d be on my own. I prayed and prayed and decided to trust the Lord to find our baby two loving parents.’
‘Was your Mum with you when you had him?’
‘Yeah, she was. She came two weeks before I was due, just in case. I called the baby Liam, Nick, after your dad. I needed to give him a name.’
She sneaked a look and wished she hadn’t. His face was wet again.
Lainey drew a shaky breath. ‘The hardest part was saying goodbye. But even in that terrible, terrible moment, God was with me. I remember praying, asking Him how I was supposed to do this. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could understand what I was going through. And then I felt His presence.’
Lainey rubbed at the gooseflesh on her arms. ‘There wasn’t an audible voice, but I still heard the words, ‘I understand. I gave up my Son too.’ I knew then God could be trusted with our son; I could leave him in His hands and he would be taken care of.’
She glanced over again. Nick’s head was bowed.
‘I started writing a journal a week after Liam was born; I poured my heart into it. Whenever I feel the need, I still do it, especially on days like his birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day. I hope and pray he’ll get to read it someday. And there’s something else.’ Several seconds went by. ‘Your mother knows.’
Nick’s head jerked up. ‘How could you tell her and not me?’
‘I didn’t tell her. I wanted you to know before anybody, but she guessed. A few weeks ago, she asked my mother all the right questions and they added up. That’s why I was so nervous about seeing her again. I didn’t just send away our son, I sent away her grandchild too. I needed her forgiveness.’
There was silence, then, ‘You’ve been through so much.’
‘Yes, but God’s been there for me all along, Nick. That’s why I owe Him my life. He’s given mine back so many times over.’
Again, he was silent and she didn’t pursue it.
The sun was setting by the time they arrived home. Nick switched off the ignition and turned to her. He looked utterly spent but his eyes still registered love and warmth.
‘I love you. That hasn’t changed,’ he said.
‘I still say I don’t deserve you.’
‘Yeah, you’re right.’ He smiled at her feeble push. ‘But then, I don’t deserve you. I got you pregnant and apparently forgot all about you.’
‘It doesn’t matter now. I’m so glad you finally know.’
‘It’s going to take a bit of getting used to, the idea of a boy out there somewhere that’s part you and part me.’
Lainey choked back more tears. She still found it hard; she always would.
* * *
Several times a day Lainey would find Nick staring at nothing, deep in thought and
sometimes he would be staring at her.
They still did all the things they had planned, including going to see Against All Odds with Hannah. When his character died, she was glad Nick was there beside his mother, very much alive.
Everywhere they went Nick would get stopped and asked for his autograph or to have a photo taken. He did it without showing any annoyance or impatience. As he said, if it wasn’t for the fans, he wouldn’t be as successful as he was. He owed it to them to be as generous as possible.
Most evenings they ate with Hannah but one night they went out by themselves to a local restaurant. The silences weren’t awkward, but there were several.
After their plates had been cleared, Nick pushed back his chair. ‘I still can’t believe I’m a father.’
‘Sometimes I can’t believe I’ve had a baby either, then I see the stretch marks on my stomach and know it’s true.’
Nick smiled. ‘Right. The swimsuit thing. I can’t believe you’ve never told Lara’
‘I couldn’t, not without you knowing first. Will you tell James?’
‘I think the less people who know the better.’ Nick rubbed a hand over his face. ‘Have you thought about contacting Liam yourself once he’s eighteen? Or do you think we should just wait and see if he wants to find us?’
‘I’m torn. I don’t want to barge in on his life, but at the same time, it’s killing me not knowing anything about him; if he’s alright, happy, healthy, what he looks like.’ She smiled. ‘The first thing I checked when he was born was his nose, to make sure he didn’t have mine. Mum was the one who noticed he had your little finger.’
‘Would you like us to go and visit your parents, let them know you’ve told me?’
‘Yes, please.’ She leaned over and gripped his hand. ‘But Nick, whatever happens we need to do it together. It’s not just up to me anymore. I know that.’
His smile was tired. ‘Thanks. Would you mind if we went home? I can do concert after concert but this week has exhausted me.’
She knew how he felt; she’d had plenty of days the same.
Later the same night, they sat outside on the deck, drinking tea.
‘How do you cope, Lainey? I mean, you see children every day at work that would be Liam’s age. What does it do to you?’
‘It’s not easy. I used to look at every pair of eyes like yours or mine then check their little fingers, but I don’t anymore.’
‘He mightn’t even be in the country.’
‘That’s true. Nick? You may not like what I’m about to say but hear me out. You wanted to know how I cope, so I’d like to tell you.
‘There’s a psalm in the Bible that tells me the Lord knows every little detail about us, that He knew us while we were being formed in our mother’s womb. It says all our days are written in His book before we’ve lived one of them. It helps me to trust Him.’
The lump in her throat thickened.
‘Every time August 10 comes around I struggle. I struggle with the fact that as a mother I should be there to protect my child. Sure, I might have been young but I was his mother and I gave him away.’ Despite her best efforts the tears were there. ‘And every August 10, God forgives me and I remember He loves me no matter what. I know He thinks about me and Liam more than there are grains of sand. Even though we’re not together, His hand will hold and guide us.
‘That’s when I renew my trust in God, and leave it up to Him to work out when we should meet again, because I can’t do it. Me, Lainey Sullivan, the organiser and orchestrator, can’t do it by herself.’ She tried to smile. ‘Bet you never thought you’d hear me say that.’
Nick was stretched out in his chair, head tipped back towards the night. ‘I wish I had the faith that you do, Lainey. I hear everything you say and it breaks my heart.You would be a wonderful mother, I have no doubt of that, and God willing you’ll get to have a chance again. I hope it’s with me.’
Abruptly, he got up and leaned his back against the railing, arms folded. ‘But I have a problem. How can I trust in a God who couldn’t save my father from an accident so he could be there for his six-year-old boy when he needed him?’
It was a fair question and it would have been asked by thousands of others in similar circumstances. She could’ve pointed out it wasn’t God’s fault, there was human error to be taken into account, natural laws in place, but now wasn’t the time. It wasn’t the message he needed to hear. He was hurting.
‘God understands your pain, Nick, He really does. All I can do is pray that one day you’ll come to the realisation of that for yourself.’
It didn’t help. He made a derogatory sound and went inside without even saying goodnight.
* * *
It was hard saying goodbye to Hannah but they planned to visit on the June long weekend. Nick would be back from his tour around Australia and about to start the Asia/New Zealand leg and Lainey would be coming back from a week in Canberra with her students. It would be the calm in the eye of the storm.
They were on a plane back to Sydney when Lainey remembered the other hurdle, the one that had been overshadowed by the importance of telling him her secret.
Where was their relationship actually going? They’d talked about having children, for crying out loud. She glanced at Nick, saw his impossibly handsome face and sighed. Out of all the women he knew, why had he picked her? It humbled her.
Nick caught her look, picked up her hand and kissed it. The familiar currents did their thing and she smiled. Would there always be this chemistry between them, even when they were old? She hoped they would get the opportunity to find out.
What would she do if he asked her to marry him?
Their time on the Coast had been rough, but they’d survived, clinging to each other rather than letting her confession tear them apart. To her way of thinking, Nick had every right to hate her for not doing whatever it took to find him and tell him about their baby. It was a miracle he still loved her, something Lainey didn’t take for granted.
But what was she going to do if he didn’t surrender his life to God soon? How long should she wait?
She remembered the conversation with Lara over breakfast at Coogee and the question she’d asked herself then. Unthinkable as it was, would she be the one to end their relationship? Would she be prepared to sacrifice her heart if the Lord asked her to?
Lainey had a sick feeling she was dodging a bullet. She would dodge it for as long as she could.
* * *
The days sped by. She didn’t get to see much of Nick during the week, but they managed to spend time together on the weekends. He still played tennis with Adam and had the occasional round of golf with him. They got on very well and both Lainey and Lara encouraged them to do things together. Lainey also knew that while James was Nick’s best mate, he was preoccupied with his wife these days. Mia was pregnant.
They were over for dinner when Mia made her announcement. At only eight weeks, she was feeling exhausted and nauseous. She was keeping it quiet for a while yet, but there was no way she wasn’t telling them.
While Lainey hugged Mia, and again during conversations relating to the baby, she and Nick exchanged knowing glances. As they prepared dinner together, the girls had their own chat, and Mia thanked her for praying.
‘I’ve seen the looks between you two,’ Mia said. ‘You haven’t got some baby news too, have you?’
‘Are you kidding?’ Lainey kept chopping carrots. ‘There’s only ever been one immaculate conception and my name’s not Mary.’
‘You still haven’t slept with him? How on earth have you managed that?’
‘No is a choice too, and before you ask, it isn’t easy and can we please change the subject?’
Mia shook her head. ‘You are the real deal, aren’t you? Those running shoes of Nick’s must need replacing.’
Lainey grinned. ‘He bought a
new pair the other day. So did I. Now please can we talk about something else?’
Somehow she and Nick managed to fit in a trip to see Roger and Rose and he apologised to both of them straight away. The handshake between Nick and Roger was much warmer when they said their goodbyes but Lainey didn’t think for a minute Roger condoned their relationship. He was the first person to avoid compromise and in his book they were unequally yoked.
As soon as the thought surfaced, Lainey buried it.
Chapter Nineteen
Naturally, most of the audience filling the Entertainment Centre was female. Only a few brave souls accompanied their ladies and Adam, Brian and Hamish were three of them. It helped when the tickets were free. They were also curious to see Nick ‘working’.
Lainey knew a lot of the songs now. During their time away Nick had played the ones he’d written about her and she’d cried all over his shirt. Now she was about to hear them again, and he was singing them just for her. He’d told her so.
The lights dimmed. The deep and steady hum of a synthesizer could just be heard over screams and whistles and Lainey found herself on her feet, caught up with everyone else. The curtains rose and dry ice billowed, the misty shapes pierced by a myriad of laser beams.
At first she could only hear him. The American talkshow host had likened Nick’s voice to chocolate – delicious and leaving you wanting more. Lainey agreed.
They’d watched the recordings of the shows together with Hannah and they’d been superb. There had been a marked increase in record sales as they’d hoped, and a tour of the States was being organised. For now, the boys were right here.
Through the haze, five figures emerged on a set of illuminated stairs. They looked impressive in their dark suits and white shirts, Nick in the middle. For the next little while she would have to share him with the huge crowd, but elsewhere, he belonged to her. It was a heady thought.