by Andrea Grigg
Hi beautiful - Just wanted to tell you one more time how much I love you. I’m going to miss you so much. This one is for you tonight. Love always, Nick.
The words blurred. She wiped her eyes, blew her nose and steeled herself to rejoin the others. If he could put on a performance tonight then so could she.
It was brilliant. Only Lainey knew how much it must be costing him but Nick was a professional and she couldn’t fault him. Several times he put his hand over his heart. She mopped her tears as best she could and prepared herself to face him.
The Mavericks were still in their gear from the last few songs and there were a lot of people crowded into the room, celebrating the end of a successful tour. Lainey had her mask glued on tight and smiled at everyone as she made her way over to Nick.
‘Hi, beautiful.’ He was still sweaty but she didn’t care as he pulled her in for a lingering kiss, eliciting some whistles and comments. So much for keeping his distance.
‘The show must go on, hey?’ She regretted the words as soon as she said them.
Nick gripped her wrist and towed her into the bathroom. Thankfully, it was empty.
‘That concert was the hardest thing I’ve done, next to having to say goodbye to you tomorrow. Don’t put me down.’
She saw the strain on his face and felt awful. ‘I’m really sorry, Nick. It wasn’t easy for me either.’
‘I know. Your eyes are red.’ Nick gave a heavy sigh.’Come here.’ She tried not to give in to more tears as he held her, stroking her hair. ‘I still can’t believe this is happening, Lainey. I don’t really understand why, but I know it’s something you feel strongly about. Even stronger than what you feel for me. I’m at a bit of a loss.’
There was real physical pain in her chest. ‘It’s not that I don’t love you enough, Nick, it’s that I love you too much. I’m being obedient to God’s word; it’s as simple as that. Except it’s not simple at all. It’s as difficult as giving up Liam.’
He squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, shutting his eyes tight for a moment. ‘Okay. I’m sorry.’ When the bathroom door opened he asked, ‘Could you give us a few minutes, Sylvie?’ The girl who’d come in went out again. Lainey recognised her as one of the dancers.
‘Okay,’ Nick repeated, sounding surer this time. ‘Here’s the plan. We’ll go back to the hotel and I’ll meet you in the Sapphire room at the after party. When you get sick of it, you can leave. I’m going to get drunk.’
‘And I’ll provide the medication in the morning.’
His smiled lasted only a second. He cupped her face and put his heart and soul into the kiss which she returned with equal fervour.
They stuck to the plan. It was around midnight when Lainey had had enough. The party was becoming more rowdy by the second and while Nick wasn’t as vocal as some, he’d had quite a few. She went onto the dance floor and grasped his arm.
‘I’m off.’
‘Okay. See ya.’
She didn’t like this version of Nick. He couldn’t focus on her and he was far too happy considering the circumstances.
He aimed a beery kiss at her mouth and then turned back to the dancing.
That was it then. Game over. End of story, end of fairytale.
* * *
Nick dozed for quite awhile before his stomach allowed him to move his head to look at the clock without having an unpleasant reaction. It was after eleven. He sat up, propping himself against the headboard, grateful for the thick curtains keeping out the sunlight. Eventually, he reached for the phone and punched in Lainey’s room number.
‘Hello!’ she shouted and then he realised that she wasn’t shouting at all.
‘Got any painkillers?’
‘You should say good morning first and remember the magic word.’
‘Shut up, Lainey. Just bring them here.’
Silence.
‘Please.’ He slid back down the bed and pulled the sheet over his head. She was going to be mean, he could tell.
When he let her in she shook her head. ‘You’re hungover and you still look good. That’s disgusting.’
His ego got a boost even if his head didn’t. ‘Disgusting is pretty much how I feel.’ He winced at the loudness of his own voice and rubbed his temples. ‘Managed to forget about you for awhile.’
‘You smell like a brewery.’
‘You wouldn’t know what a brewery looks like, let alone smells like.’
‘I do now.’ She handed him the packet of tablets and gave him a push in the direction of the bathroom. ‘Go and have a shower. Shall I order you some breakfast? A big plate of bacon and eggs?’
He almost gagged and she grinned. ‘I’ll make coffee.’
‘Thank you.’
He hoped the tablets would stay down and they did, aided by the soothing warmth of the shower. He stood there for several minutes, letting the spray massage his head. Caffeine would help.
Lainey had it ready and waiting. He sat on the lounge beside her, his feet up on the coffee table, and took a mouthful.
‘Feel any better?’
‘A bit.’ The little men with hammers weren’t quite as forceful. He sank down further and rested his head on the cushions. ‘How are you this morning?’
‘I’m okay. I even slept. I think I was worn out after yesterday.’
She looked better than okay. She had on a pink t-shirt and jeans and her hair was out, rippling down her back. Without thinking, he put out a hand and stroked it but she flinched and moved to the end of the sofa.
‘Don’t touch me, Nick.’
The pain in his head lodged itself in his heart. ‘Your choice, Lainey, not mine. It’s what you want.’
‘It’s not what I want, you know that.’
‘Yeah, well, we don’t always get what we want, do we? And even though we don’t live in a perfect world, I’m still not good enough for you, am I?’ The effort needed to argue was sending the little men back to his skull armed with very large implements.
‘It’s not a matter of being good enough.’
‘What is it then? Explain it to me in English, not Bible speak.’ He didn’t like to feel second rate. He usually got accolades, not rejections.
‘Nick, we’ve been around this mountain. I’m not going into it again.’ Lainey stood up and banged her mug on the table, sending a spear through his head. ‘Keep the painkillers.’
Before she’d taken another step there was a loud knock on the door.
‘Nick! Open up.’
‘I’ll get it. I’m going anyway.’ Lainey opened the door and Mia stormed in, a magazine in her hand, James right behind her.
‘Look at this!’ She jabbed a finger at a page. ‘Look at what your precious girlfriend has done.’ She suddenly noticed Lainey holding the door. ‘Explain yourself!’
‘Pardon me?’
Nick looked at James who raised his eyebrows and shook his head.
‘This!’ Mia spat out the word and shook the magazine. ‘This, you little—’
‘Hey!’ Ignoring his hangover, Nick got up, and closed the door. ‘Calm down, Mia.’
‘Calm down? You’ve got to be joking! How much did you get for this, Lainey? It must have been pretty good.’ Mia shoved the magazine at Lainey.
As she read it, Nick watched horror creep over her face.
‘Mia, I would never do this to you. How could you even think it was me?’
‘Because I have never told anybody about this except you. And you call yourself a Christian. This really takes the cake.’
Nick snatched the magazine out of Lainey’s hand. What he read shocked him too.
It was about James and Mia, how she’d slept with him just after meeting him, becoming pregnant and then having an abortion because she didn’t know who the baby’s father was, James or her previous bo
yfriend. It was nasty and all news to Nick.
‘Oh, don’t act surprised, Nick. I’m sure your lovely girlfriend couldn’t wait to tell you about this juicy piece of gossip.’
‘Of course I didn’t know. Lainey never tells other people’s secrets and she wouldn’t do this to you. You’d better be very careful before you go around making accusations, Mia.’
‘Let me tell you something, Nicholas Cusack. Apart from James and Malcolm, Lainey is the only person I ever told. Go figure. Maybe she’s the one who’s started all this in the first place. It’s only since she’s been around that these articles have appeared.’
‘Stop it.’ James spoke for the first time. ‘I know you’re upset but you’re overstepping the mark. Things aren’t always as they appear.’
Nick acknowledged his words with a brief nod. ‘Get Malcolm. We’ll have a meeting in here in twenty minutes.’ He bundled them out the door, swore, and then looked at Lainey. She was the proverbial deer in the headlights, frozen and wide-eyed.
He took her hands in his. ‘I’m really sorry, but I have to ask. Did you have anything to do with this article?’
‘Absolutely not.’ She yanked her hands away. ‘I wouldn’t do anything like that. You should know better than anyone.’
‘I know. I do.’ He raked his hand through his hair. ‘It looks bad, though. If only you, Malcolm and James knew about this …’ he looked at her sharply. ‘I know what you think about Malcolm, Lainey, but be careful.’
‘Oh, I will.’ Lainey’s voice was icy. ‘You can close ranks and blame me. I won’t be around anyway. You’ve got the perfect reason for a break up, haven’t you Nick? It won’t damage your precious ego and everyone will understand. I’ll be in my room.’
Before he could say anything she was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The next few hours were the most torturous of Nick’s life. They had their meeting and it wasn’t pleasant. Nick managed to hang on to his temper, but only just.
They all agreed it was a shocking article, that it was equally shocking Lainey would do something like this, but there seemed to be no other explanation. Nick was furious. For the first time ever, there was a serious rift between him and the four others. It was especially horrible to have this between him and James and Mia. Supposedly, because of Lainey, Mia’s secret was out.
Nick ached for Lainey. Stony-faced and silent, she went through the mechanics of checking out of the hotel and checking in at the airport. It was bad enough having to deal with the break up of their relationship without all of this. He knew she was innocent but didn’t have a clue as to who else could’ve done it. He’d watched Malcolm very carefully during their meeting, but he’d been as outraged as everyone else. Despite Lainey’s words earlier on, Nick kept his arm around her and glared at anyone who dared to look their way. He ignored Mia and James completely.
As soon as they boarded the plane, Lainey put on the headphones and retreated under an airline blanket. She had the window seat and leaned against it, her face turned away, her body language clear.
Nick half-heartedly watched a movie, feeling sorry for both himself and Lainey. He jumped, when without warning, she snatched off her headphones, staring at them as if they were poisonous. He switched his dial around to find out what had upset her and instantly recognised Phil Collins’ voice.
Their song. Of all the ones to have heard.
He ripped off his own headphones and pulled her to him. She resisted at first then gave in, her shoulders shaking, muffling her sobs against his chest. There was nothing he could say to give comfort – he could only hold her. When she sat up, she was a mess, all blotchy and red-eyed, but he loved her as much as ever.
‘I’m sorry, Nick.’
‘Lainey, please don’t apologise.’ He kept a hand on her knee while she cleaned herself up. ‘Are you going to be alright when you get home? During the week?’
‘Yeah, I will. I’ll go out to Mum’s for a while.’
‘Can I phone you? I’m really worried about you.’
‘No, Nick.’
He was disappointed but she was right; a clean break would be best. ‘If you need me for anything, anything at all, phone me.’
‘Thank you.’ Her eyes were sad and he knew she wouldn’t take him up on it but it made him feel better to make the offer.
‘In a way,’ she said, ‘this is probably all for the best. God knows exactly what’s going on. He’ll look after me. It’s horrible, not what I’d envisaged but I’ve got Him to lean on. It’s you I worry about. You don’t have that.’
How could she think anything about this was for the best?
He was proud of the way she handled herself once they were on the ground. She carried herself with dignity and didn’t shy away from anyone, saying her goodbyes while they waited for their baggage. She even went up to Mia and said a few words and although Mia refused to look at her, Lainey seemed satisfied.
‘What did you say?’ Nick asked.
‘Nothing new. I told her how sorry I was this had happened, reiterated that I had nothing to do with it and hoped one day we could be friends again. I like her, Nick. She’s a bit prickly but underneath she’s intensely loyal and protective of those she loves. That’s why she’s so hurt that someone would betray her trust like that. She’d never do it to anyone else in a million years, any more than I would.’
He put an arm around her and kissed the top of her head. Really, she’d just described herself.
They came through into the arrivals area and had to put up with the usual media attention but before they knew it, they were in the car being driven home by Phil. All too soon, they were outside Lainey’s flat.
Nick opened the car door. Might as well get it over with. ‘I’ll get it, Phil,’ he said. She had only one suitcase and he carried it for her up the pathway.
Lainey found her key, opened her door and switched on the light. Nick was glad no one was home; they would all be at church.
‘You’d better go, Nick. Phil’s waiting.’ Lainey was doing a good job of having it all together. Only her incessant fiddling with the door key gave her away.
He took it out of her hand and put it on the table then held her for one last time, closing his eyes and breathing her in. She was the one who pulled back first.
‘Bye, Nick,’ she said, those blue eyes of hers resolute.
He kissed her on the sensitive spot beside her ear, not daring to kiss her mouth. The jagged intake of breath was nearly his undoing.
Reluctantly, Nick let her go and walked to the door, at war with every step. This was wrong; they belonged together. When he turned for a last look she was standing where he’d left her, hands to her mouth, sad but dry-eyed.
‘Take care, beautiful,’ he said, and closed the door behind him.
He didn’t remember any of the short drive home, his mind occupied with the unbelievable fact he’d lost her for the second time.
Tonight, coming home brought no solace whatsoever. His heart was empty, aching and homeless.
He paused in the act of opening the fridge. Empty, aching, homeless.
The beginnings of a melody flitted around in his head and he smiled. This was how he dealt with things. He armed himself with an apple and a bottle of cold water from the fridge and headed downstairs.
By the time he had switched on the lights in the studio, he’d rearranged some words and come up with more. Restless, aching, burning. Homeless, empty, yearning. It was a good start.
He took his guitar off the stand, fine-tuned it and began playing, looking for the right key. It didn’t take his mind off Lainey altogether but if he could make something good out of this it might dull the ache a little.
It was three in the morning before he finished. He had his song. It would need a few adjustments, but it was good. Very good. Normally he would head over to James’s first thing in
the morning and play it to him but not this time. The dust needed to settle.
For the thousandth time he wondered how Lainey was doing, if she was asleep or like him, staring into the dark, thinking of all the things he hadn’t said. He hadn’t even told her he loved her and that realisation alone kept him awake for a long time.
He finally slept and woke feeling groggy and out of sorts. It got ten times worse when the memory of the previous day hit him. He lay there, alternately angry with Lainey and then himself.
Here he was, a man who was supposed to have everything and he had nothing that mattered. He was completely alone.
* * *
Lainey listened to Nick’s footsteps go down the path and the limo pull away. Perhaps this was how it might feel after a car accident. Once the commotion and noise was over, you’d wonder what had happened and assess how you felt, find out what your injuries were.
She knew all her limbs were intact but her brain wasn’t functioning very well and her insides felt bruised. She stepped around her suitcase and went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. Her mind went blank as to where the mugs were kept and hunted through the cupboards until she found them. How ridiculous was this?
Waiting for the jug to boil, Lainey thrust her hands in her coat pocket and encountered a piece of paper. Before she’d even unfolded it, a lump formed in her throat. It was the note Nick had written before the last concert. She thought she’d packed it away, but obviously not.
She got as far as ‘Hi beautiful’ and then the tears came, big, gut-wrenching sobs that crippled her to the point where she slid down onto the floor, her face in her hands. She didn’t hear the front door open or voices, but she felt arms around her and the comforting warmth of Lara and Kate on either side. When she’d finished, for the moment anyway, she pulled a handful of tissues from the box that had appeared on her lap and blew her nose. Looking at her flatmates, she discovered they were crying too.
‘You two are no help whatsoever.’
Kate just sniffed and hugged her hard.
‘Better out than in, Mum always says.’ Lara reached for a tissue. ‘Do you feel up to talking about it?’