by Unknown
“His elves had a good go at murdering me.” If he was so keen to talk, then that seemed like a strange course of action to take – sending his army after me.
“He didn’t know it was you when he sent them out,” said Ed. “I only got here a little while ago to tell him. He tried to communicate with them to call them off, but by then they were…”
“Already drained by the crazy vampire who was also trying to kill me,” I said, nodding. “Well, what – what does he want to talk to me about?”
I couldn’t believe I was even considering this. Ed had betrayed me – betrayed everyone – and turned out to be not only a bank robber but also a murderer and a meanie. (Yeah, I said it.) But here he was, and within a couple of minutes I was considering wandering off into the night with him.
“He wants to see what you can do. He’s old. He knows things.”
I frowned. “You’re being very evasive.”
“It would be best if you heard it from him. He understands that kind of stuff.”
What kind of stuff? Ed clearly didn’t want to elaborate.
“You say he doesn’t want to kill me?”
Ed shook his head. “Nah, you’re too old. He only kills kids.”
“Charming.” I shook my head. “This is a terrible idea.”
“You should hear him out before you kill him. What do you know about him, other that what those two have told you?” he asked, gesturing to the tent. “You can’t trust either of them.”
“Coming from you –”
“So don’t trust anyone. Talk to Krampus and find out for yourself.”
“You just said he kills children.”
“Yeah, well, OK – he’s not a good guy. But he’s got information. Listen to what he has to say and then kill him if you like. Just don’t let the information die with him.” He paused and glanced at the tent. “That’s what The Department wants.”
I bit my lip. That certainly seemed plausible. Why go after Santa now, after all these years? He must have known something they didn’t want to get out. And so soon after the Doomstone went missing… It hardly seemed like a coincidence. “Is Death in on it too?”
Ed shrugged. “I don’t know. Seems likely.”
Great. One of my oldest friends (‘oldest’ in more ways than one) was probably betraying me. I’d thought Death, at least, was reliable.
“We should head off, then,” I said. “Before they come looking.”
Ed grinned. “Follow me.”
Chapter Seven
Ten hours later (at least, that’s what it felt like), we were still trudging through the trees towards Santa’s abode. My feet were sore and I was frozen to the bone.
“Why is his workshop so difficult to get to?” I grumbled. “All this walking is really Kramping my style.”
“Hurry up.”
“I can’t! I’ve got a Kramp in my leg!”
Ed rolled his eyes. “Stop making the same terrible pun. I got it the first time. It’s just not that funny.”
I huffed. “I liked you better when you were pretending to like me so you could use my weird purple beam of doom for your own purposes.”
Ed smiled at me. “Sure you weren’t just blinded by your desire for my own purple beam of doom?”
I made a vomiting noise. “Gross!”
Ed just smirked and kept walking. Well, floating. The stone in my pocket was growing ever warmer as we neared Santa’s residence – at least that meant Ed was leading me in the right direction and not just luring me out somewhere to kill me. Well, maybe he was doing that too, but I didn’t like to dwell on that thought.
“We’re nearly there,” he said. “Get ready.”
“Ready?” I asked, suddenly panicked.
“Just in case. It’ll probably be fine, but I’d keep your weird purple beam erect if you get what I mean.”
“Please stop using that term,” I said as I conjured up small balls (don’t) of energy in either hand, ready to cast at the first sign of trouble.
The trees gave way to a small farmstead, covered in gently falling snow. There was a wooden cottage and picket fences, both of which were covered in multi-coloured Christmas lights. It all looked exactly like how I’d imagine Santa’s Workshop would look – that is, until we drew closer and I noticed the metallic scent in the air. Blood.
The thick crimson liquid pooled on the ground, soaking into the snow, a stark contrast against the white. The source of the blood was a dead reindeer. It had blood smudged across its nose and I wondered idly if that was how ‘Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer’ came about. Krampus was hunched over the body, ripping flesh from the bone with his teeth. I began to gag uncontrollably.
“Argh, dude,” said Ed. “You knew I was bringing you a visitor. You can’t just be snacking on a bleeding reindeer carcass while I’m introducing you to someone. Worst first impression ever.”
Santa lifted his head out of the bowels of the reindeer and slurped up an intestine like it was spaghetti.
“Is this some kind of joke?” he said, licking blood off his fingers.
“This is who I was telling you about,” Ed replied.
“Mmm,” said Krampus. “Seems to me you might have missed something, boy-o. This isn’t – ”
“I know what you’re thinking,” said Ed. “But you should really –”
“I’m not interested,” said Krampus, standing and rounding the carcass. Ed and I both took a step back. So much for Krampus not wanting to hurt me. This guy’s suit was dripping red, like the Santa of nightmares – which is exactly what he was. “Normally I don’t go for people her age, but she does smell deli–”
I threw both balls of energy at him at once, forcing him against the side of his cabin with a thud. He blinked a couple of times before looking at me again, this time shocked. “Oh god,” he whispered, glancing at Ed. “You’re right.”
“About what?” I asked.
“I’d recognise that magic anywhere. Had my arse kicked by it more than once, I can tell you!”
He knew my magic? That must mean that he’d met other people of my kind!
“What am I?” I asked.
For some time, I’d suspected that perhaps I wasn’t human. I couldn’t remember my parents and I didn’t have any relatives that I knew of (and judging by the way people reacted to me, there weren’t many like me around). Finally, there was someone who could tell me.
“The root of all evil,” he replied.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I don’t love money that much.” OK, so I’d hustled those tourists earlier, but…
“Somehow I don’t think he was quoting the Bible,” Ed hissed at me.
“How was I meant to know that?” I hissed back.
“You are evil itself,” said Krampus, eyes widened in wonderment.
Wow. Harsh.
“Um, OK, I think you’re getting me mixed up with Satan, and trust me, she really isn’t all that bad. And also, you can’t call me evil. You’re the one who kills children for fun!”
“Why are you bringing that up? I don’t understand why we’re arguing,” said Santa.
“She loves arguing,” said Ed. “She’ll argue about anything.”
“Seems kind of childish.”
I huffed. “Oh, now you’re calling me a child – what you going to do? Kill me?”
“I don’t just kill them because I feel like it.” Krampus looked almost offended.
I paused. “Then why?”
“To eat,” he said simply. “They’re delicious.”
So Santa Claus ate reindeer and children? Hello, Worst Christmas Ever. Even at the orphanage my Christmases hadn’t been this bleak.
“Moving right along,” I said, not wanting to dwell on that particular topic – the meatiest thing I’d eaten recently was a mushroom. “What can you tell me about myself?”
“Nothing,” said Krampus, standing and putting one hand on each horn. “May the kingdom rise again and Death be vanquished forevermore!”
“Wa
it, the kingdom?”
Krampus didn’t hear me, though. He’d already pulled on his horns and ripped his head clean off.
“No!” I yelled. “Argh, why couldn’t he tell me something useful before he killed himself?”
Ed raised his eybrows at me. “Wow. You’re so emotionally affected by this. I can tell.”
“Oh, I am affected,” I said. “I’m furious.”
“Not quite the emotion most people would experience in this situation, but never mind. Why are you so angry? At least you’ll get your licence now.”
I groaned. “I don’t care about my licence! You said he knew something. He mentioned ‘the kingdom’ – I know that means something!”
“Yeah, I thought he might clarify that a bit further.”
I groaned. “Why won’t anyone tell me anything?”
Ed put his hand on my arm. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way I thought it would. I wasn’t expecting him to – you know…”
“Decapitate himself with his bare hands? No, me neither.” I sighed. “So fucking typical. I hate Christmas.”
“I have something that might cheer you up.”
I looked at him. Was he finally going to tell me something? “Yes?”
“I got you a present,” said Ed.
My eyebrows headed skyward. “You did what, now?”
He smiled slightly. “I’m sorry about, well, everything. I promise we’re on the same side in all this. And that’s why I’m giving you this.”
He reached into his pocket and took out the present. The light from Ed’s ghostly glow glinted off the surface of the object as he handed it to me. I put out my hand slowly, staring at the gift in disbelief.
Sitting in my palm, wrapped up in a tiny gold ribbon tied with a bow, was the Doomstone. The second it touched my skin, it went from being a cool, smooth pebble like any other rock to glowing with a light from within. I could see clouds moving around inside it, hinting at the energy contained inside it.
“But… But…”
“It’s yours. Do with it whatever you wish. I won’t try to take it from you.”
I continued to stare at it. “You went to all that trouble… You killed your friends – you killed yourself – to get it. Why would you…”
“I just wanted to learn about it. Now that my experiments have concluded, I don’t need it anymore.”
I tore my eyes away from the stone’s core and looked at Ed. “It won’t work for you, will it?”
He smiled and shrugged. “OK, you got me. To be fair, though, it doesn’t work for anyone else either.” He paused. “Except you.”
“What am I?” I asked, hoping – for once – to get a straight answer.
“A clairvoyant with basic magical skills. Isn’t that what you tell everyone?”
I rolled my eyes. “I thought you might be able to give me a better answer than that. You seem to know something I don’t.”
“I suspect something you don’t.”
“Fine, tell me what you suspect, then.”
He shook his head. “Not until I’m sure.”
I frowned. “Tell me.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“Because I can’t. I could be wrong, anyway.”
“Well, I’ll deal with the disappointment when we come to it.”
“I can’t tell you. No one can. You have to figure it out for yourself.”
I rolled my eyes. What was up with this hippie new-age ‘find yourself’ bullshit? Ed was the last person I’d expect that from. “What are you talking about? I have to go on some journey of self-discovery first? You want me to grow as a person before you tell me who that person even is?”
“You’re not listening to me,” he said, looking deep into my eyes. His face was very close to mine as he spoke, a fact that I was acutely aware of. “I literally can’t tell you.”
I groaned. “It really annoys me when people misuse ‘literally’.”
“Me too.”
I frowned. “Wait, what? Do you mean –”
“Yes. I know – well, suspect – what you are. So do the others. But we can’t tell you.”
I groaned. “Is there some sort of secrecy spell around this?”
That would be just my luck – I was going to have to figure this out for myself. Secrecy spells physically prevented people from disclosing a fact. What the hell had I done to deserve that level of magical intervention?
Ed shrugged, smiling apologetically. “I –”
“Right, of course, you can’t tell me.” I sighed. “Naturally.”
“You’ll figure it out. The clues are all there, clear as day.”
“Doesn’t help, really. You know first-hand how crap I am at solving mysteries.”
He laughed softly. “You’ll get there. The point is, the stone is no good to me. But don’t tell the others you have it.”
“What? Why?”
“You can’t trust them.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, and I’m supposed to trust you?”
“Hey, I’m giving it to you. You know it’s in good hands. They don’t need to know where it is. I know you think they’re your friends, but they’re lying to you.”
“About what?”
“About everything.”
“Oh, good. That narrows it down. Glad we’ve sorted that out.”
“This isn’t all about licensing you. You know that, right? They’re trying to keep an eye on you.”
I didn’t comment, but I bit the inside of my mouth anxiously. Ed had just put words to what I feared. The Department thought there was something weird about me. That was why Satan and Death were so interested in me. I couldn’t trust Henry, Daisy or Hecate because they were all caught up with The Department, and I couldn’t trust Satan or Death because – well, no one could trust those two. That was just common sense.
So what was the alternative? Trust Ed? Great – trust the guy who’d double-crossed me to get to the Doomstone. He’d made out with me to stop me from figuring out what he was doing. But now he was giving it back to me. What did that mean? Why was he doing this? Who the hell was I meant to trust? It was lucky I was naturally suspicious or else this whole ‘trust no one’ thing might have been weird. As it was, being raised an orphan and all, I had trouble forming attachments to people in the first place. Distrust everyone? No effort required.
“I didn’t get you anything,” I said. “I didn’t realise we were exchanging gifts this year. You know, after you betrayed me and all.”
He laughed softly. “I’m not the one who you should be worried about betraying you. As for the Christmas present, how about you just promise not to tell the others about this?” He gestured towards the Doomstone.
I paused for a moment. “I’ll think about it,” I said finally.
He smiled at me, but stopped when we heard a noise from the forest.
“Oh,” I said. “Guess they finally noticed I was missing.”
“Nessa!” Henry called. I whipped my head around to see Henry and Death running my way.
“Gotta scoot, gorgeous,” said Ed. When I turned back around, he was gone.
“What the hell were you thinking, going after Santa on your own? And with Ed of all people?” Henry asked, his voice hitting an octave so high that he could have been a soprano in the opera. We were back in my cabin, Death having made a portal home after discovering that Krampus was dead, as per my original brief. After dropping us off, he’d gone back to deal with Santa’s soul.
Now Henry was giving me the third degree, and he was not impressed. (I think he was still a little drunk – and also a little annoyed about what had happened earlier.)
“I – I was trying to get the Doomstone back,” I lied. “I thought maybe then everyone wouldn’t be in trouble anymore – you know, Daisy and Hecate, with the inquest and all…”
Henry raised his eyebrows. “Oh.” He frowned but nodded slowly. “OK, I still think it was stupid, but I understand why you did it.�
�� He paused before blurting out: “What happened? Did you get it back?”
My hand in my coat pocket, I ran my fingers over the smooth surface of the stone. It grew warm at my touch.
“The Doomstone… It’s – I – I didn’t get it.”
Even as the words fell from my mouth, I wasn’t quite sure why I was lying. What could anyone else want with the stone, anyway? I reasoned. It’s not like they know how to use it or what it’s for. To be fair, neither do I, but it responds to my touch. That must mean something. I decided to hang onto it for now. I could always hand it in later if I decided that was the right thing to do.
Somehow I doubted that would ever happen.
Chapter Eight
The Festive Quest (Questive? Fest?) was all done and dusted by Christmas, which meant that dinner at Satan’s was back on. This year there was too much food to name, and more guests than I was used to. The whole gang was there – Satan, Death, Henry, Hecate and Daisy. (Well, not the whole gang, exactly. Satan really hated Ed, and everyone else still thought he was evil. Which he totally was. Definitely. Right?)
“I invited our friend Krampus, but I’m afraid he declined,” said Satan. “He’s a bit over the whole Christmas thing, I think.”
I wondered if that was true, or if Satan just didn’t want me to talk to him again. She was obviously trying to keep the same secret as everyone else – the secret that I was apparently at the centre of, but no one seemed inclined to disclose to me. Krampus knew, I was sure of it. Sure, he was a crazy goat man who ate children, but if I could just talk to him one more time I was sure he’d be able to shed some light on whatever it was that everyone wanted to keep in the dark.
I wondered if Satan or Death knew that I had the Doomstone. If so, they didn’t let on.
Everyone was exchanging gifts, just like a normal Christmas where Santa wasn’t evil and Ed wasn’t maybe not evil. It was my turn to give out my gifts. Henry accepted my gift somewhat reluctantly, with a barely audible ‘thank you’. He was still cranky at me. When he unwrapped his gift and saw the baking recipe book I’d given him, he smiled and thanked me again (properly this time). I gave Daisy some agrimony, a herb that was hard to get locally (pilfered from an elf corpse, not that I told her that). For Hecate, I had bought some knitted Christmas socks. She was thrilled and put them on straight away. I handed Satan a small box (red, in case the present, uh, leaked at all). She opened it, obviously curious, and squealed with delight when she saw what was inside.