Girl of Mine

by Taylor Dean

  Thunder rumbled above and lightning clapped loudly. The heavens opened and rain poured down from the laden sky. She was soaked through in less than a minute. Jill didn’t care. The rain and her tears mixed and flooded the earth. What grows when tears water the earth? Weeds? Flowers? Perhaps a dandelion—an odd combination of both. Maybe heartfelt tears bestowed the dandelion with the power to grant wishes. Maybe that’s why wishes often have a price. They arrive on the back of another’s heartbreak.

  Troy’s wish certainly had.

  Jill pushed the random thought away. The sounds of the storm hid her loud sobs and she let them pour out of her, releasing her sorrow over Luke’s choice.

  Her feelings warred between anger and understanding. She couldn’t decide which one she wanted to grasp, they both seemed slippery options.

  Hurt overwhelmed her at the thought that Luke could give her away as if she were an object he could lend. It wasn’t exactly like that, but that was how it felt to her.

  Yet, at the same time, she comprehended his dilemma, and even felt for him. As much as she wanted it to be, his choice was not black and white. She could see the agony on his face and hear the anguish in his voice. It was part of what made Luke Luke, the part of him she adored. He felt for others keenly. Jill understood what he’d intended to do. He wanted to do as Troy asked without any consequences. Or at least, he’d assumed there wouldn’t be any consequences.

  He must’ve been shocked when he heard that Jill had agreed to marry Troy.

  On the other hand, if he had been able to coldly tell Troy, “NO,” he wouldn’t be the man she knew him to be. He would’ve been a machine, with no compassion or empathy, a man who only thought of himself and his selfish desires.

  Luke loved deeply and felt deeply, hence the dilemma weighing on him. Because of his past with Troy, he couldn’t just say no and walk away as any normal person would have done. Instead, the desire to please Troy ate him alive.

  Conversely, shouldn’t he have stood up for her and for her desires? Shouldn’t he have protected her from being the prize another man wanted to win? Shouldn’t he have trusted in their love for one another and held fast to their promises to each other? Shouldn’t he have stood up to Troy? Shouldn’t he have protected her from obvious manipulation?

  Yes to all of the above. He should have. Absolutely.

  He should have stood by her side. He should have married her before he left. He should have told Troy to go to hell. Just as he’d said, at the very least, he should have come to her and explained the situation and why he was warring with himself over it. He was right . . . together they could have faced it. Jill would’ve helped him to understand Troy’s underhanded exploitation of their friendship.

  But Troy had risked everything to save Luke’s life. He’d given something to Luke that no man really had the right or authority to give. Powerful stuff. It put Troy in another realm. It put him on a pedestal in Luke’s mind, a pedestal that he could not be knocked down from.

  And because of that, Troy had power over Luke. The kind of power Jill would never fully understand. It was far beyond loyalty or devotion. It was far beyond guilt or remorse. It was ingrained in Luke, a bizarre attachment that reached into his psyche with its black tentacles and held him captive. It nearly left him powerless, no matter how much he tried to fight it and move on.

  Really and truly, Troy was using emotional blackmail in its ugliest form. All things aside, that’s what it came down to.

  He’d done it to her too. And she’d fallen for his manipulation: hook, line, and sinker.

  Jill thought back on that day, the day Troy had asked her to marry him . . .

  30

  Troy and Jill

  April 2003

  One Week Earlier

  “Hi Troy,” Jill said as she opened the door. Her mother was out running a few errands and they had the house to themselves. “Have you heard from Luke?” Jill couldn’t help but ask. In spite of everything, she needed to know he was okay. It was the only reason she’d answered the door. Otherwise she would’ve just ignored it. She didn’t feel like seeing anyone. Especially not Troy. He reminded her so much of Luke. They looked nothing alike and they were total opposites in their behavior. But Troy was close to Luke, therefore she felt close to Luke when she was with Troy.

  Jill quickly put an end to that line of thought. It placed her on dangerous ground.

  “No, I haven’t. I’m sorry.”

  Great. No news. Now she had to socialize. “Have a seat,” she said, pointing towards the living room.

  Troy wore his usual slacks, vest, and blazer with a dress shirt unbuttoned at the neck. A silk scarf hung around his shoulders as always. He looked classy and the outfit suited him, but it was the only thing she’d ever seen him wear, and that’s what made it odd. With his cane and the fact that he was an author, sometimes she pictured him sitting by a fire smoking a pipe while speaking of literary masterpieces. He was much too young to act like an old man.

  Troy settled himself on the couch and balanced his cane next to him. “You look terrible.”

  “Thanks a lot.”

  “That didn’t come out right. You still look as beautiful as ever, but I can see the stress in your eyes. You still miss him, don’t you?”

  “Yes.” Jill didn’t deny it. There was a pain in the vicinity of her chest that had never subsided since Luke had left her.

  “Are you well?” he asked.

  “Physically, yes.” Mentally, no. She was pining for Luke and nothing assuaged the ache.

  “Mentally?”

  “Let’s not go there.”

  “I don’t like seeing you like this, Jill.”

  “I’ll be okay.” Eventually. Everyone said time would dull the pain. She doubted it. “I appreciate your concern.”

  “Sure.” He shrugged.

  Jill wanted to change the subject and not talk about herself anymore. “So how are you, Troy?”

  “Not so well, actually.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What’s wrong?”

  “Actually . . . that brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about.”

  Oh, and she thought he was here to check up on her. Why did she suddenly feel awkward and uncomfortable?

  “There’s no way to soften what I’m about to tell you, so I’m just gonna cut to the chase.”

  Jill felt panic trickle through her body. Luke? Is he okay?

  “I’m dying.”

  “What?” Luke will be so upset. Jill immediately felt guilty for letting that be her first thought.

  “It’s a brain tumor. The doctor gives me about a year to live. It’s inoperable. I’ve already started chemo and it’ll prolong my life for a bit. Other than that, I’m a goner.” His smile was small and weak. His attempt at humor fell flat.

  “Oh Troy, I’m so sorry. There’s nothing they can do for you?”

  “Nope.”

  “There’s always some alternative . . .”

  “I’ve already explored the options. I’m terminal. There’s no going around it.”

  He looked so handsome, so strong, it didn’t seem possible that he was remotely ill. His dark eyes were trained on her and he reminded her of some sort of Spanish prince. “I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting this.”

  “Yeah, me neither.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s not about me.”

  “It’s all right, Jill. I know what you meant.”

  A few tense beats of silence passed and the room suddenly felt hot and stifling. “Thank you for stopping by to tell me. I do appreciate you telling me in person.” Troy looked at her expectantly and Jill was at a loss for words.

  “I thought you should know. I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.”

  “Thank you. Is there anything I can do for you?”

  “No, not really. Unfortunately, there’s nothing anyone can do.”

  Jill felt for him. However, she couldn’t help feeling as though there was something more on his mi
nd. Was he reaching out to her because he needed someone to talk to? Or did he just want comfort?

  The thoughts she’d been holding at bay entered her mind once again. Troy was the closest thing to Luke she had right now. In a weird way, Troy’s presence made her feel connected to Luke. Maybe spending time with Troy would be good for her.

  But . . . he wasn’t Luke and she hated the way her traitorous thoughts were turning on her. Stop it, Jill. He couldn’t replace the huge void in her life. Jill stood. “I’m so sorry, Troy.” As far as hints go, this one wasn’t subtle, but she was ready for this conversation to be over. She couldn’t handle more bad news right now. She was barely handling her own life.

  He stood and she walked him to the door. “Take good care of yourself.” Jill leaned in and hugged him tight. When she let go, he didn’t, and the hug lasted a little longer than she’d intended. “Let me know if you need anything.” Jill backed away and Troy held one of her hands in his.

  “There is one thing,” Troy said, his eyes on hers.

  “Anything.”

  “I don’t want to die alone.”

  “You won’t be alone. I’ll be there whenever you need me.”

  “Promise?”

  “Of course. Give me a call when you have your next chemo session. I’ll go with you.”

  “I’d like that very much.”

  Troy stood there looking at her rather intently and Jill felt ill at ease. It was obvious he had something on his mind.

  “Luke’s an idiot,” he blurted.

  “Don’t say that.”

  “He is. He had you and he left you alone. That makes him categorically stupid in my book.”

  “He didn’t have a choice. His unit was deployed.” Why was she defending Luke? He had left her.

  “He didn’t have to call off your marriage.”

  No, he didn’t. “I don’t want to talk about this right now, Troy.”

  “I’m sorry. Now I’m being the idiot. When you don’t have much time left, you have to say what you want to say. Otherwise you might not have another chance.”

  “Oh, Troy,” she said and threw her arms around him. He was the closest thing to Luke she had and she gave in to the feeling, not wanting to fight it anymore. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine it was him. Luke loved Troy and holding onto something he loved felt so, so good, as if Troy was a part of him. It was all she had and she grasped onto it with tightly gripped fists. She knew she was deluding herself, but she didn’t care. She wanted Luke so much and Troy was the perfect stand-in.

  Troy’s arms wrapped around her so tightly it felt hard to inhale. Yikes. But they were simply two people in pain comforting each other, that’s all.

  “I don’t wanna die,” he said. “I’m not ready.”

  Jill said nothing, just held him close. She couldn’t imagine what kind of angst he must be feeling. Staring death in the face had to be an unsettling experience.

  His hands began to massage her back and then he ran his fingers through her hair. “Jill,” he whispered.

  It was on the tip of her tongue to whisper Luke’s name. She came to her senses just in time, disentangling herself.

  “Luke doesn’t deserve you. He walked away and turned his back on you. I don’t know how he could’ve done that. I would’ve married you before I left. I wouldn’t have let you out of my sight for even a minute during those final days.”

  Oh, how she wished it was Luke uttering those words.

  “Forget him and marry me,” Troy said suddenly.

  Jill coughed, choking on nothing but her own saliva. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me. Marry me. I have one year to be happy. That’s it. Make me the happiest man in the world.”

  What? “Troy . . . are you serious?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “But I’m in love with . . .”

  “I know you’re in love with Luke. I don’t care. I don’t want to die alone. I want someone by my side and I want that someone to be you. Give me one year of your life. It’s all I’m asking for.”

  “Troy, I can’t, I’m not in love with you,” Jill said bluntly.

  “I know that. It doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes, it does matter. You should marry someone who is in love with you.”

  “I don’t have time for that.”

  “What about Joni?”

  “What about her? I’m in love with you, Jillian. Please grant a man his dying wish.”

  Stunned, Jill said nothing.

  “Forget Luke. He’s a fool to have given you up.”

  “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say anything bad about Luke.”

  “Sorry. I hate that he hurt you. I know you’re still recovering. Recover with me. We’ll find happiness together. I’ll make you forget Lucas Graham exists. It’ll be over in a year, give or take, and you can resume your life. And you can move on having given a dying man his last wish.”

  Taken aback, Jill had no idea what to say. What he was suggesting was . . . absurd. Wasn’t it?

  “I . . . couldn’t.”

  “Yes, you can. I’ll purge Luke from your heart.” His hands cupped her cheeks and Jill felt awash with panic at the close proximity. “You won’t even remember his name. I promise you that. I’ll expunge his memory from your mind. It will be my name that passes your lips in moments of passion. It will be me you think of when you want companionship. It will be me you share your deepest, darkest secrets with.”

  “Stop it,” Jill whispered. The intensity of his words scared her. And the thought that his feelings had grown to this extreme and she’d had no clue whatsoever. No, she wanted to scream. No, Troy, no. This is all wrong. I want Luke.

  “I’ll make you happy. I’ll love you and adore you every second of every day. Please give me this one last chance at happiness. It’s all I have left in this life.”

  Many thoughts wandered through Jill’s mind, some of them kind and heroic, and some of them selfish and inconsiderate.

  Most of her thoughts were entirely self-seeking, if she was being totally honest with herself.

  On the other hand, Troy needed her. And this was his dying wish.

  She couldn’t deny him.

  Jill found herself quietly saying yes to Troy’s passionate plea.

  They embraced as Jill wondered what she’d just done.

  Instead of dwelling on unpleasant worries, she let her imagination wander to forbidden territory.

  And she drifted off into a deluded sense of happiness.

  31

  Luke and Jill

  April 2003

  Present Day

  Suddenly, Luke was before her eyes, just as soaked as she was. The rain poured down from a tumultuous sky, matching their raging emotions.

  “Why, Jill? Why did you do it? Why did you say yes?” Luke yelled, sounding earnest over the sound of the pounding rain.

  “You told me to go on with my life, not to wait for you.” Thunder cracked in the distance, following her words like an unintended exclamation point.

  “All I wanted to do was step down and make Troy happy. That’s all. It was one last thing I could do for him. It was in my power to grant his dying wish and I couldn’t ignore him. I never intended for things to go this far. Frankly, I figured he could pursue you until he was blue in the face. I knew you wouldn’t respond to him. I didn’t doubt it for a minute. I knew you loved me.” Droplets of water spilled down his face and Jill wondered if tears were part of the mixture. Clearly, he regretted his actions. Lightning lit up the sky as if in response to his heartfelt admission. “I didn’t think you’d do it, Jill,” he repeated.

  “You didn’t expect the consequences of your actions.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “You were giving me to him. You were handing me to him on a silver platter. How could you do that?” It felt good to scream the words, to let out her sorrow, and she was suddenly thankful for the downpour which allowed her to express her feelings wildly without feeling out of control
.

  Luke wiped the water from his face, his expression raw. “It was your choice, Jill. I didn’t make you say yes to Troy. You did that all on your own. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?” Jill had never heard Luke raise his voice at her. The storm forced him to shout out his feelings, as if he were livid, when she knew he wasn’t.

  Instead she felt surprised at his angst.

  “Am I supposed to feel sorry for you now?” Jill shrieked, moving closer and craning her neck until they were practically nose to nose. Wasn’t she the one who was supposed to be mad?

  The wind blew, the rain pounded around them, yet they were oblivious, caught up in their own storm. Luke ignored the water drizzling down his face as he said, “I’m not asking you to feel anything you don’t want to feel. The power to choose your fate has always been in your hands.”

  “Yeah right, after a little guidance and manipulation from you and Troy.” Jill pushed her wet hair out of her eyes.

  “No one forced you to do anything.” Speaking as loudly as they were, Luke’s words seemed harsh and callous, yet his eyes were soft and tender. His sincerity took her aback.

  “I was lost without you. You had to know how vulnerable I would be, that it would influence my decision.”

  “I was wrong to leave you without an explanation. I know that now.”

  “Yes, you were.”

  “Did you kiss him?” he shouted, his features twisting slightly, revealing his anguish. Jealousy was rearing its ugly head.

  “What did you expect? We became engaged!”

  “That doesn’t answer my question. Did you kiss him? I have to know.”

  Jill realized he really hadn’t expected anything to develop between her and Troy. “No! We never kissed. It wasn’t like that.”

  “Then why did you say yes, Jill? Why?” he repeated. It was driving him crazy, this compulsion to know the answer.

  Jill wasn’t so sure he deserved to know. “None of your business.”