More Than Lies

by N. E. Henderson

How is it even possible? He told all of us, she was gone. But she isn’t. She was here and I saw her with my own eyes, I felt her, and then I let her go.

  My relief is shorted lived. One thing I know, when I kissed her, the alcohol on my own breath wasn’t the only thing I tasted. She’d been drinking tonight, too. I was there, I witnessed it, but I’m also pretty damn sure she drank more since leaving the club a while ago.

  I can’t wrap my head around Jared’s crash. Why would Cole say she was dead if she wasn’t? There wasn’t a scratch on her body. If she had been on that bike when he wrecked, she would have been hurt. She would have been killed.

  She’s not and after I find her I will pray and thank God for her. I have to find her though. She left in her car, she might be alive now, but she could easily wreck and kill herself if she’s drunk.

  If. Really Braden. You tasted her. She tastes the same as you do.

  My gut is in knots.

  I grab my own set of keys and start to head toward the door when it opens and my roommates fly inside. I have to grab the railing at the bottom of the staircase so I don’t lose my balance from them entering the house so quickly.

  “Oh my God, dude. It wasn’t her. Tara. The chick that was killed it wasn’t her.” Mason is talking ninety to nothing.

  “Great. See ya.” My equilibrium returns, but when I go to pass. Matt grabs me by the arm.

  “Great? That’s all you have to say?” I don’t have time to explain to Matt or anyone that I already know Tara is alive and that I need to find her now. I shouldn’t have let her leave.

  Tara’s father walks inside the door when I shrug out of Matt’s hold.

  “Where’s my daughter?” His face mirrors the one I had not long ago. His world ended tonight too, I see. So that’s what it takes to get Jacob Evans’ attention. She had to die for him to show emotion toward daughter. A little too late if you ask me.

  “I’m going to find her.” He’s blocking my path when I come to the door.

  “You knew?” Mason chimes. I nod, but I don’t go into any details.

  “Shawn, the smell of vodka is pouring off you right now. You’re not getting behind the wheel of that truck outside or any other vehicle. I lost one son because of an idiot drunk, I won’t let it happen to someone else’s. Let’s go, you’ll ride and I’ll drive.”

  He doesn’t look like he’s in any shape to drive, but I don’t say that. He has a point that I can’t refute.

  “Fine.” I brush past him heading in the direction of his Mercedes SUV. The door is unlocked, when I pull on the door handle. It opens and I get inside. Jacob joins me after a minute.

  “What happened tonight? Your goddamn roommates won’t say shit.” I turn looking at Tara’s dad. I’m taken aback I guess. I’ve never heard Jacob speak like that. I thought curse words in his mind, were only used by lowly people like me. “Speak, Shawn. I need someone to explain why I had to come identify a body that I was told was my daughters because she was dead.”

  Damn. I’m not over hearing someone tell me Tara was dead, but I really haven’t given much thought to other people feeling similar things that I had before I laid eyes on her again.

  “I messed up, okay? I really don’t need to hear it from you how I’m not good enough for her.” I turn away, looking out the window.

  “No, not okay. I’ve been through hell tonight. The same hell I went through less than six months ago. This has nothing to do with you being good enough or not good enough for my daughter. We can have that discussion later. Now, where do you think she is?”

  “My parents would be my first guess.” He starts the car and pulls out seconds later.

  “It’s a forty-five minute drive. Tell me what happened tonight and by tell, I mean tell me everything, Shawn.” And here I thought only my own father could make me feel like a five year old in trouble.

  I breathe in, pulling one long stream of air into my lungs before forcing it back out. I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t want to admit to him or anyone else what the kind of pain I caused her tonight.

  During the drive, I do what I do best by telling more lies. I don’t tell him jack shit really. Only that we had a fight that caused her to leave. She was seen leaving with Jared, but that’s all I know because I didn’t see her actually leave with him. That part is the truth.

  My finger hesitates over the round button I’ve been staring at for at least four, maybe five minutes. The doorbell. It’s late or extremely early depending on how you look at it. I shouldn’t be here, but I don’t know where else to go. I can’t go to my parents’ house.

  I press the button. It’s either that or go to a hotel. I don’t want to be alone. I shouldn’t have driven from Oxford to Tupelo as it is. I know I’ve been drinking. If I had gotten pulled over. I don’t think I would have been able to pass a Breathalyzer test.

  Truth is, I need Pam. It’s wrong. She’s Shawn’s mother, not mine, but Pam has always been there when I’ve needed a shoulder to cry on, to bandage my cuts, and teach me how to cook. Shawn cut me deep tonight. He stabbed the knife into my chest and ruptured my heart. He didn’t just break my heart, he broke me into so many pieces that it’s likely I’ll never be whole again.

  The light from the foyer comes on. Seconds later I hear the alarm being disabled and the door opens. Bill is in a pair of plaid pajama pants and a navy t-shirt with the Ole Miss logo across the chest.

  “Taralynn, what’s wrong?” His brown eyes scan my face. Bill might as well be an older, uninked version of Shawn. I want to burst into tears at the sight.

  As if he knows I’m about to turn the water works on, Bill reaches for my wrist, takes it with his soft hand and pulls me through the door and into his fatherly arms.

  “Sweetheart?” It’s a question. He’s asking me to explain.

  “Pam?” I request through my cracked vocals.

  “Honey, I’m right here.” I go to move out of Bills hug but I don’t get far. He cups my face and looks into my eyes with concern.

  “I’ll give you over to my wife, but first I need you to answer something for me.” I nod my head in agreement. “Are you physically injured?” I shake my head, telling him no even though I feel as though I am. “My boys?” Again, I shake my head from side to side. Bill comes off tough when it comes to Shane and Shawn, but I know he loves them hard.

  Bill releases my face, but grabs both of my wrists not allowing me to move from in front of him. “Darling, will you go make all of us some coffee?” He doesn’t turn to face Pam when he asks her this. Bill continues looking into my eyes. I feel as though I want to run up to my room and bury my head under the covers. He’s always been able to look at you in a way that tells you, you’re in deep shit. This is a first for me. I’ve seen it with Shawn a lot and on occasion his brother, but never me.

  “Sure, I’ll have it ready in a few minutes.” Pam leaves. I don’t see because I’m still looking up at Bill. My eyes are frozen, locked with his.

  Once Pam’s presence is gone his eyebrows scrunch together.

  “How much have you had to drink tonight? I can smell it on your breath, Taralynn.” He’s mad, like super mad. I can tell just by the look in his eyes. There is concern, but there is also disappointment.

  “I—” Hell, what am I going to say? The truth is probably best in this circumstance. I’ve never felt the need to embellish a lie with Bill or Pam. They’ve already accepted me for me. I don’t have to be someone else or act a certain way when I’m in their house. I can be me. I’m comfortable being me.

  “I’m going to take that as too much to be driving. What in God’s name were you thinking? You know, or you should know, I would get up at any time of the night to come get you should you need it.” Damn, he really is disappointed. This is different from the way I disappoint my parents. This feels worse. So much worse. “Here’s what you’re going to do. Go upstairs, put on something else, pajamas, anything but what you’re wearing now.” Crap, I didn’t think about the short, really short d
ress I wore for Shawn’s birthday. A dress that did not pay off the way I had hoped. “Then I want you to come back down and tell us what’s wrong.”

  “Yes, sir.” My voice is weak. Trust me yours would be too if you were the one standing in front of this man. Bill releases my wrists and I head toward the stairs. I don’t take but a step or two before Bill adds on to his demands.

  “If you ever get behind the wheel of a vehicle after you’ve drank too much alcohol again,” I don’t turn to look at him. I can’t. “You won’t be able to sit for a week.” I nod my head so he knows I heard him. Apparently being an adult is not a factor here.

  I race up the stairs. Once I’m behind the closed door of the guest bedroom that I’ve often wished truly was my own, I pull the dress over my head and toss the material onto the bed. Next I kick out of my heels and walk over to the dresser drawers pulling clothes out. My favorite pajamas are still here. I forgot them when I stayed here during Christmas. I keep my bra and panties on, pulling my purple t-shirts that says, Turtles, across the chest and my matching flannel bottoms that have Donatello’s face all over them. Some girls like Hello Kitty and anything pink. I love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Don’t ask me why. I just do.

  It’s practically summer already even if it’s still May. In Mississippi, summer sometimes starts in spring if you gauge by the temperature outdoors. Bill and Pam keep the air conditioner on in the sixties year round so it’s always cold inside the house.

  Lastly, I slip on a pair of flip-flops and then head out of the bedroom, down the stairs, finding both Bill and Pam sitting in the living room. Looks of concern mar both of their expressions.

  What the heck am I going to tell them? Their son and I broke up so I came to get sympathy from his parents. That sounds pathetic.

  I walk over to the couch and sit next to Pam. Bill’s seated in a recliner a few feet away from us.

  “It’s just how you like it. A little bit of sugar with a whole lot of creamer.” I smile, not full on, but I know she is trying to ease me into telling them what’s going on.

  I pick up the small ceramic cup and bring it up to my lips. I doubt the coffee is too hot. With the amount of cream I like it always makes the coffee warm. I taste a small amount first to ensure. When I know it won’t burn my tongue, I gulp the liquid down almost until it’s empty. I don’t savor the flavor by sipping when it comes to coffee. I drink it like it’s going out of style.

  “Talk to us, Taralynn. What happened tonight that has you upset” Bill sips from his mug, but then places it on the table and forces his attention on me.

  Going with honesty, I tell them a lot of what happened tonight. I leave out Shawn cheating. They don’t need to know those kinds of details. I mainly focus on my heartache and end up letting it slip that I’m in love with their son. They allowing me to talk for a long time, and them just listening is helping. They aren’t offering up suggestions on how to get over him, but talking about it is removing a small amount of weight.

  When I’m done, I’m lying with my head in Pam’s lap and she’s running her hands through my hair. It’s calming, soothing, and I think I could actually fall asleep. I’m tired. Then again it is sometime in the early hours of the morning. I’m used to being asleep at this time.

  “Honey, would you like more coffee?”

  “No, I’m okay.” A lingering question that I sometimes wonder crosses my mind. “Why do you call me, honey? You’ve always done it and you’ve never referred to anyone else as honey.”

  Pam laughs. “Well, I guess you have Shawn to thank for that. The first day he met you, he said your blonde hair reminded him of honeysuckles. After that, every time I saw you, that’s what I thought about.”

  Huh. He’s never told me that. Of course that was years ago, he probably doesn’t remember.

  I’m about to sit up and ask them if I can sleep upstairs tonight when a car’s light flashes through the window in the living room. It catches Bill’s attention too. He stands, and then walks to the door.

  It strikes me strange when he grabs his keys from a table near the door and shoves them into his pocket. Bill opens the door.

  “She’s in there with Pam.” He nods his head behind him then his palm flies up. “You and I are going for a drive.”

  “Not until I see Tara.” Shawn’s voice makes me shoot up from Pam’s lap. I see him standing in the door, but his dad won’t allow him inside. Shawn looks toward me, when our eyes lock, the tears pool into my eyes.

  “Later. First, you and I are going to talk.” Bill pushes Shawn backwards. That’s when I see my dad walk through the door. What’s he doing here? And with Shawn, too. That doesn’t add up.

  “Daddy?” I stand from my seated position on the couch. Looking at my dad. I wait for him to explain why he’s here. Did Bill or Pam call him while I was changing? No way. They wouldn’t. What would be the point?

  When he walks closer, I take in his disheveled suit and worry starts to form in the pit of my stomach. His tie is missing and a few button from his white shirt are unbuttoned. His jacket is a wrinkled mess. Even his hair is all jacked up like he’s been running his hands through it all night. His eyes shock me the most. They’re glossy and blood shot, like…

  “Dad, what’s wrong?” He’s actually been crying and he looks like he might be close to doing it again. This cannot be good.

  When he stops in front of me, he pulls me to his chest where he wraps his arms around me and squeezes so tight it’s tough to inhale or even exhale. I feel his body physically relax after a long minute of him holding onto me.

  “Jacob?” Pam’s voice is also etched with the same concern I’m filled with.

  My dad pulls back, but doesn’t fully release me. His hands go to my face where he cups my cheeks.

  “Tonight, I thought I lost you forever, too.” A tear fall from his eye, but I can’t process what he means. Lost me? Lost me how? Pam beats me to my questions.

  “Jacob, what do mean?”

  He glances in her direction and then his eyes come back to mine. That’s when he lays everything out. Jared crashed his motorcycle and a girl ended up being killed in the crash. Apparently, everyone thought that girl was me until my dad showed up to identify the body that wasn’t me. Jared was badly hurt and was unconscious so he couldn’t tell anyone the identity of the girl.

  Other things from tonight are starting to become clearer. Shawn thought I was dead. That’s why he trashed my room and then when he saw me was so shocked and overwhelmed that he wouldn’t let me go. I almost feel bad for kneeing him in the balls now. Almost. The jackass still severed my heart from my body.

  Jared. Oh, my heart goes out to him. And there a woman died. It could have been me. Jared asked me to stay with him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t use him as a crutch or as anything to ease the heart Shawn smashed. I wanted to be alone so I had Jared take me to Mac’s, then I don’t know where he went.

  “Oh my God, Jacob. I can’t imagine what you went through, tonight. Shawn and the boys either.” Pam’s eyes drop to the ground as if she’s in thought. She’s probably thinking about Shawn.

  He thought I was dead continues to boom inside my head.

  “I’m going to leave you two alone.” Pam goes to leave, but my dad reaches out and stops her when he wraps his hand around her wrist. They look at each other. It’s almost like they are having a silent conversation. It’s weird, then he speaks and confuses me more.

  “I’m going to tell her.” His eyes come back to mine for a brief moment then he turns back to Pam. “Do you have any pictures?” Pam nods and I’m stuck wondering what’s going on.

  “Jacob, I’m not sure tonight is the best time to do that.”

  “Pam, please. I have to get this out. I have to tell her. It’s clawing at me.” He shakes his head. “I should never have kept it from her. And tonight,” He sucks in a large gulp of air. “Tonight I thought I’d never have the chance to tell her about…” He doesn’t finish.

  “I’ll get them
.” She walks off, but before she does the look in her eyes has me worried.

  “Dad?”

  “Sit down, Taralynn.” He lets go of me for the first time since grabbing onto me when he arrived half an hour ago.

  I sit and he sits down next to me on the couch. I’m turned, facing him as he leans all the way against the back of the soft material.

  “I told myself the night you were born that I’d tell you the truth one day. I guess that day is today.”

  “Tell me what?” He’s scaring me. Does he realize how freaked out what he just said has made me? I don’t know what to expect. I feel like he’s about to drop a bomb on me. I don’t know how much more I can handle tonight.

  Pam re-enters the room. She’s holding a picture frame. It’s turned so the only thing I see is the back. She hands it to my dad and then leaves again. When I look back at my dad, he’s staring at the photo inside the frame. There is a look on longing in his eyes that causes my heart to hurt. His eyes are filled with what I think is sadness and pain, but I don’t know why. I don’t know who’s in the photo so I ask.

  “Who’s the picture of?” He doesn’t answer, but he does start to talk.

  “When Katherine and I married, she got pregnant with Trent almost immediately after the wedding. I wasn’t upset about your brother being born, but I would have rather it happened a few years down the road. I’d just started working for a law firm. I wasn’t even partner. I was at the bottom of the bottom and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to afford my now growing family. Katherine was enough work and a drain on my wallet as is, but then you add a baby to the mix. Eventually I let my worries and stress play a factor in distancing myself from Katherine more and more. I worked more. I had to really if I ever want a partnership.” His fingers brush over the frame briefly before he continues on.

  “A few years after Trent’s birth, I had an affair with my secretary and it wasn’t just a one-time thing. It continued for four years and then she called it off when I wouldn’t leave Katherine. It’s not that I loved Katherine anymore, I didn’t. I realized when I started cheating that I had never truly been in love with my wife. But I had a son. I loved my son more than anything and that’s what kept me married to a woman I didn’t want to be with. The woman I had fallen in love with, the woman that should have been my forever didn’t understand that. She begged and that ended up becoming her obsession for a while. Eventually it started fights between us. I couldn’t leave my family and she didn’t understand why I’d stay if I truly loved her like I claimed.” He chokes up on the last part. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around my father cheating on my mother. It not something I’ve ever thought about, but looking back, I’ve never seen them so much as kiss each other.