More Than Lies

by N. E. Henderson

  Shawn’s arms tighten around my middle.

  “Do they argue like that often?” He doesn’t sound like himself. His voice is scratchy.

  His words filter back in, too. All of them, especially the ones he said before I fell asleep. He loves me. The sucky thing is, I believe him. It’s sucky because I’m still upset and now I’m mad. His lies ripped me to shreds. How do I forget them? How do I forgive him? I don’t know.

  “No. I’ve never heard them yell like that.” It’s Katherine that’s doing the yelling. I haven’t heard my dad, but from what she’s saying, he’s the one taking the brunt of her wrath. “She’s not my mother.”

  Saying it, out loud, feels freeing. I don’t know why. Shouldn’t I feel a loss? Then again, you have to have something to lose it. I never had her, not really. I just didn’t know that until however many hours ago it was that my dad told me.

  “What do mean?” He turns me so my back is flat on the mattress. He still looks almost as bad as he did when I walked into my bedroom in Oxford.

  “Apparently, I’m the product of an affair my dad had. Only my real mom couldn’t deal with not having him completely so she killed herself and I’ve been made to believe the evil bitch downstairs was my mother this whole time. Makes sense why she hates me so much, huh.”

  “Holy shit, are you serious?”

  “Oh, yeah. That was sprung on me last night on top of everything else that happened.”

  “Why would he choose then to tell you that? Shit, Tara, I’m so sorry.” His head falls against the top of my forehead.

  “I don’t see there being a good time to tell me something like that, Shawn. Waiting…prolonging it would only serve to make me even madder at him than I already am.”

  “I didn’t tell him everything last night so he probably didn’t know how bad last night was for you.”

  “I can’t deal with that right now, Shawn. I need to get down there and see what’s going on.” I toss the covers off my legs and push away from Shawn. There’s something in the back of my head that doesn’t like it when I do that. Deep down, I want to stay in his arms and never leave them. That’s not the real world though and doing so would not fix any of my problems.

  I’m still dressed in my pajamas that I put on when I got to Pam and Bills. This’ll have to do; I don’t have any clothes here.

  Shawn follows me down the stairs. The voices are coming from the kitchen so I head in that direction.

  “You need to back off, Katherine.” My father’s tone is full of venom. “I’ve had a bad night. I thought I lost her.”

  “I wish you would have. Then you’d know what it feels like.”

  “You don’t think I don’t know what it feels like? Trent was my son, too. I lost him the same as you did. I loved our son, too. And last night I thought I lost the only other person in this God awful world that means a damn to me so you need to walk away and leave me alone.”

  “It should have been Taralynn, not Trent. Not my son. He didn’t deserve to die, but that useless garbage taking up other people’s air shouldn’t exist. You should have never brought her into this family.”

  Wow. That stings.

  I stop at the entrance to the kitchen. Shawn grabs me before I realize what’s happening. He pushes forward, entering the kitchen. That’s when I see the look in my dad’s eyes.

  Hatred. It’s directed at his wife. The moment he goes for her is the moment shock takes hold of me. He intends to hurt her. Shawn reaches him before he’s able to lay a hand on her thank God.

  “Jacob, no.” Shawn shoves his shoulder into his chest and locks his arms around him as he pushes forward, forcing my dad’s body backwards. “She isn’t worth it, man.”

  She turns, her face screwed up as she eyes me from head to toe.

  “You ruined my family. You ruined my life. I hope you’re happy.”

  “Do not talk to my daughter like that. Shawn, release me.” He tries to shove him away, but Shawn’s hold tightens. “I’m not going to touch her.”

  With those words, Shawn lets go. My dad straightens his suit. The same one I’m pretty sure he was wearing early this morning before I went to my bedroom.

  “I want a divorce.”

  She turns so quick her hair whips around hitting herself in her face. Then I see her expression harden into the evil she usually holds for only me.

  “You think it’ll be that easy to walk away from me, darling husband? I don’t think so. You want out of this marriage, it’s going to cost you every dime you have.”

  Then she walks away.

  “Daddy, are you okay?” He doesn’t look okay.

  “I’ve been better, sweetheart, come here.” I hesitate for a second. I’m not over what he’s done to me. By keeping the knowledge of my real mother hidden from me, he’s caused more pain and confusion than I know what to do with. He’s lied to me all of my life. He’s made me a lie. It makes me feel like I’ve been nothing more than a lie all these years.

  “I can’t.” I shake my head. I can’t walk into his arms as if this never happened. I can’t say that I’m not mad. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I have too many of them that I can’t decipher between them.

  His eyes close. It pains him that I won’t walk toward him. When he opens his eyes, he nods his understanding then directs his attention toward Shawn. “Take her home, please.”

  “I’d like to, but I don’t exactly have transportation.”

  “Taralynn’s car is parked outside.” I feel him dig into his pocket, and then hear the sound of keys jingling. “Your patents brought it a few hours ago.” My dad looks back at me. “You still look tired, sweetheart. Go home and get some rest.”

  Without saying another word, I turn and follow Shawn outside to my car. When get inside, I buckle and recline the seat. I don’t want to talk. I want sleep. I’ll deal with him later. Much later.

  Not being able to help himself, Shawn slips his hand into mine, entwining our fingers. I look down at them for a second. I can’t deny that his touch feels good. It feels right, but he shut me out so I’ll shut him out too. I pull my hand out of his and close my eyes without looking at him. I want to shut out the rest of the world too.

  The sound of a car door slamming wakes me. When I open my eyes, I see my car is parked in the driveway at Shawn’s house and I’m alone or so I thought. The passenger side door opens, when I turn, Shawn is leaning down and reaching for me. I allow him to pull me out of the car, but once I’m on solid ground, I push him back.

  Looking at him, he looks just as exhausted as I feel, but that’s his problem. If he wants to sleep, he has a bed in the house just like I do. I probably need a shower, but there is no way I can stand long enough to take one. I’ll do good getting up the stairs to my bed.

  “Tara, please let me—”

  “Stop. I got it, Shawn.” I walk past him, but I hear the dramatic sound of him blowing air out of his mouth in frustration.

  We both walk inside; I kick off the flip-flops I took from Pam and Bill’s last night and leave them on the floor. The house is quiet, but then it’s still really early in the morning. Before I make it to the steps in front of me, I look into the living room and see bodies on the couch so I detour and head that way.

  Matt is asleep, reclined in the recliner with a blanket over him. Mason and Samantha are wrapped up in one another on the couch. If I wasn’t so exhausted, I’d raise an eyebrow at this. I suspected they were doing the nasty, but cuddling I would not have figured.

  “Taralynn.” My eyes slide back toward Matt. He throws the blanket off, jumps out of the chair, and within seconds is crushing me to this chest. “Fucking hell. I’ve called your phone all night. Shit.”

  “Matt.”

  “Oh my God. You’re here. You’re actually here.” I look over to see Samantha unwrapping herself from Mason. My eyes move past her eyes to his. I see relief right before he stands and pulls me away from Matt.

  He hugs me for a least a minute without speaking. I can f
eel his heart beating rapidly inside his chest, but eventually it slows to normal and he pulls back from me. Cupping my face, he says, “Do you have any idea how good is it to see this beautiful face?” Mason pulls my forehead to his lips where he places a long soft kiss on me.

  He steps away looking at me, then his facial expression change seconds before his right fist connects with Shawn’s jaw. No one, not even Shawn saw it coming. He goes down, hard to the ground, but lands on his butt and has to throw his hand out to catch himself.

  They look at each other. We all look at each other for a moment.

  Shawn’s eyes flare right before he jumps to his feet. I slip between them, placing my palms on the center of their chests.

  I look at Shawn first.

  “Don’t.”

  Then rotate my face to look at Mason.

  “Feel better?”

  “No. He deserves worse.” Mason’s eyes are locked with Shawn’s, only Mason looks like he wants to murder his best friend. Given what I told him and my friends last night, I have no idea what they know or don’t know. I get the feeling they still think Shawn cheated on me like I told them.

  “Chill for a minute, Mase. Everyone just freakin’ chill out.” I drop my arms but continue standing between them. “I’ve had a long night and frankly I’m not up for recounting what happened or what lies where spewed out of people’s mouths.” I train my eyes on Shawn. “I going to get in bed now. I’ll leave you to fill them in on the truth, okay?” He nods, but I add making myself clear. “Without anyone else getting hit.”

  He huffs, but again nods his head.

  Beast is lying on the end of the couch. I step backward and go around Mason to grab the overly large cat. He’s fluffy and warm. I need fluffy and warm. With him in my hands, I head up to my bedroom.

  When I’m behind closed doors, I dump the cat on my bed and then sit my purse on my dresser that’s when I take in the wreckage from last night. This wasn’t a good idea. Retrieving my cell phone, I scoop the cat back up and leave the mess behind.

  No way can I sleep in that room with shit and glass and everything looking as though my things threw up.

  I walk into Shawn’s clean room. Why couldn’t he destroy his stuff?

  No, his things are neat and clean all because I cleaned his room yesterday morning.

  I sit Beast down on his bed then sit down on the mattress. With my cell phone in my hand, I turn it back on. Once the screen loads, tons of dings and chimes sing out telling me I have text messages and voice messages. I ignore them and locate Jared’s number. He doesn’t answer when I call. I’m not sure if that’s because he doesn’t want to speak to me or because he can’t.

  Next, I call Cole. I need to know Jared is okay.

  He answers on the third ring.

  “Speak to me. I need to hear your voice.”

  “Hey.” Beast crawls onto my lap so I start to stroke his soft fur.

  “I need more than a hey, doll. Shit, I thought you were…”

  “Apparently you and everyone else.”

  “Yeah, because I told them it was you. I feel like shit for that.”

  “It’s okay. I know you wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t believe it, Cole. Don’t beat yourself up over it.” I can hear it in his voice. He’s torn up over it. “How’s Jared?”

  “Alive.” He pauses for a moment. “He’s still unconscious, but that’s because the doctors are keeping him that way until they finish running tests.”

  “Do you know when that will be?” I want to see for myself that he’s okay.

  “No. I’m here now, but when I find out I’ll let you know.” The sound of a door closing causes me to look up to see Shawn standing in his bedroom.

  “Okay. I have to go. Talk to you soon.”

  I hang up the phone and lay it on the bed beside me. Beast then jumps down and walks toward Shawn. He steps over him as he nears the bed where I’m sitting. Shawn’s eyes have this cautioned look about them like he’s expecting me to evaporate. If only I was so lucky.

  He falls to knees and I watch him slowly break down right in front of me.

  “I don’t know what to say, Tara and I don’t know what not to say. I don’t want to push you and push you away, but I don’t want to sit back and give you space and the same thing happen. I love you and I want to fix us.” He stretches his arms out on the mattress, pushing them along my sides as his head falls into my lap.

  I run my hand through his hair. The silky strands are soft as I glide my fingers back and forth. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want him to experience some of the hurt he caused me, but I can also look at him and see he may have experienced something far worse.

  If I’d thought for only a minute that he was gone and I’d never see him again, I can’t begin to imagine the hurt that I would have been feeling. Losing my brother was hard enough. Losing the man I’m in love with, I don’t want to even go there in my head.

  I can’t just forgive him, either, not fully, but I know, I feel it that making him pay by distancing myself will hurt me that same as it’ll hurt him. I don’t want any more pain. I want the pain to start healing. How can I begin that if I keep us in limbo or even worse let him think we’re over?

  “I want that more than you know, but fixing us can’t happen overnight. I have to be able to trust you again. I want to trust you again. How do I know you won’t do it again when you so easily threw us down the drain, Shawn?”

  “I can’t promise that I won’t make mistakes, Tara. I know I will, but there’s no way in hell I’d put us through that again.” My heart believes him, but my head is telling me to take this slow. “Do you still love me?”

  “You aren’t a switch, Shawn. I can’t just turn you off when I want to. Yes, I love you. That’s real and it’s not going away.” I take a big breath. “We can’t fix what was broken, but I’d be willing to take things slow and start over.”

  His shoulders sag in relief.

  “Okay. I can work with that, baby.”

  “Then can we go to sleep, please?”

  “Yeah, I just need to call Natalie and have all my appointments canceled. I couldn’t go in today if I wanted to. I’m in no condition to work.”

  A new year, a new beginning, but when so much has happened, when your life, your heart, and your mind have all been through a blender, how do you mend them? One day at a time that’s how. You wake up each morning and tell yourself, you got this. When you want something, you go for it until you’ve exhausted every possibility of trying to obtain it. If you don’t end up with it, then it wasn’t meant to be yours.

  That’s become my life’s motto.

  Shawn and I have worked hard to get to where we are today. We aren’t perfect, but I don’t expect us to ever meet perfection. Relationships are hard work, but what we have is beautiful. It took him months to earn my trust, but he did. I know he’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop though and that scares me. It’s like he doesn’t trust himself. He’s going to mess up. I’m going to mess up. But if we do this together and we have each other’s back, I know we’ll be fine. He has to believe that somewhere inside himself, first.

  My relationship with my dad has taken a one eighty and for that, I’m happy. I hate that he’s going through a nasty divorce with Katherine, but you wouldn’t know that talking to him. He’s happy now too. He moved out of the house I grew up in. That saddens me a little because I have so many memories of Trent there that I’ll never get to see again. He’s living in a high class apartment in downtown Tupelo, close to his office. He seems to like it. We have lunch once a week.

  Through my dad and Pam, I’m learning a lot about my real mom. I get sad when I think about her though. I hate that she really was so weak that she did that to herself. Pam loved her. Every time she talks about my mom, I can tell it in her voice and I know she misses her. It was strange at first when I realized how much I looked like her. I’ve seen more pictures and I look a lot like her.

  I haven’t forgive
n my dad completely for keeping something that huge from me, but I’m getting there. I know I will forgive and forget. I have to if I want to move past it and I do.

  I continue to worry about Jared. He woke up a few days after his motorcycle accident. Physically, he wasn’t injured too bad and only stayed in the hospital a couple of days after waking. He didn’t attend our college graduation a few weeks later and no one, not even Cole, has seen him in months. I think the fact that the woman involved in the wreck died is hitting him hard. I wish he would talk to someone about it and deal. I’ve tried calling him, but last month his number was disconnected.

  Kylie ended up moving to Orlando much sooner than she originally planned. She submitted a letter to the director of the residency programs there, telling him about her situation and asking to transfer. She was approved and Mason tells me she’s doing okay. I’m not sure if I buy that. Kylie won’t talk to anyone about my brother at all. She’s closed herself off to it and that can’t be good. Not only that, but there is a noticeable change in her. She used to be so outgoing, an extravert, but now she might as well be the opposite.

  Shane did the same thing, but he didn’t transfer to Florida. Instead, he was able to transfer to a hospital in Memphis where he’ll finish out his last year of residency before starting his fellowship in Pediatric Cardiology. He moved to Tennessee within a few weeks of Kylie moving to Florida. All was great until…

  “With that faraway look you have going on I take it Matt finally told you.”

  I look up to see my boyfriend standing by the door to our bedroom staring at me. From the looks of it, I’d say he has just returned from a vigorous workout at the gym. Shawn is sweaty from head down. Deliciously so, and damn if it isn’t making me smile.