Sweet Sound of Silence

by Melanie Dawn

  And then it hit me. I didn’t deserve the tiny slice of happiness that Alexis had brought into my life. I didn’t deserve to feel love—to be loved. I didn’t deserve any of it.

  I glanced toward the bottle of pills on my nightstand. It had been almost a week since I’d taken a pill. I had slept so soundly, night after night, especially after Alexis remained in my arms after those long evenings of deeply satisfying sex. Just the thought of those amazing nights turned my stomach now. That relaxed, gratified feeling I’d felt as Alexis drifted off to sleep now felt like cement churning in my gut. There I was enjoying myself to the fullest, while my baby sister lay cold in a grave. Never to feel love. Never to be loved. Not like this.

  I suddenly realized that opening myself up to love had weakened me. By allowing my heart to feel passion, I was also allowing other emotions to seep in. I reached for the pills. Just one, I reminded myself. I just wanted to feel nothing again.

  An hour later sleep still evaded me, so I took another pill. But before I screwed the lid on tight, I shook out another and tossed it back also. All I could think of was the dull ache of regret deep in my chest disappearing for a little while.

  RYDER AND I had spent a lot of time together over the past few weeks, and I knew I was falling for him—hard and fast. Every day we spent together was another day I caught myself spiraling out of control, head over heels for him. As we’d nestle in the grass out on the quad, I’d watch him soak in every detail of me while he sketched me in his notebook. With every stroke and every line, he’d pour his heart out onto the paper, revealing the deepest depths of his soul. It was as if I could see myself through his eyes, peeking into his psyche through his artwork.

  The most moving piece he’d created was the one of his sister, Chloe, with me—two pieces of his heart, joined together on paper. He’d sketched us holding hands and dancing together among the stars. I didn’t notice it right away in the lower corner of the paper, but he pointed out Cygnus, the swan constellation I’d told him about the night of the laser show. I teared up when I saw it, remembering that night and everything it alluded to for our future. He simply cupped my face in his hands and kissed the top of my head, wiping my tears away with his thumbs. Ryder was the perfect blend of strength and creativity, in more ways than one, and I found myself feeling more deeply connected to him with each passing day.

  Gia and Brynlee had grumbled about the fact that I’d spent so much time with Ryder lately. They begged me to spend a little time with them, promising to take me to the party of the century. I’d agreed, reluctantly, and texted Ryder to let him know where I’d be. I guessed it wouldn’t have hurt to spend a little time with the girls.

  I hadn’t seen him all day, but that didn’t mean anything. It was time for midterms. I knew he was probably studying his ass off somewhere. Probably something I should have been doing. But instead, I stood at my closet door trying to decide what to wear.

  “So, what’s up with Ryder? Have you gotten him to speak yet?” Gia asked as she curled her hair.

  “Nah. Not yet,” I said, pulling a long, gray sweater from the top shelf. “Hopefully soon.”

  I’d imagined over and over what he’d sound like. Would his voice be deep? Would he sound raspy? Would it squeak at first, or would he sound hoarse? The more I’d wondered, the more eager I’d become to hear it. At first I’d been content to accept his silence, but as time went on, I felt as though his silence was a wedge between us. I never knew what he was thinking, except through the songs he’d play for me sometimes. I was dying to hear his voice and to know what he was thinking. I just kept hoping he’d feel safe enough with me to say something.

  Brynlee showed up just as we were finishing up getting ready. I had just slipped into a pair of leggings and was applying my mascara as she opened the door.

  “Ladies,” she announced, holding a box of Mike’s Hard Lemonade up in front of her, “a few drinks before we go.” She handed us each a bottle and plopped down on my bed.

  “Thanks,” Gia said then chugged half of it.

  I took a few sips then finished the final touches of my makeup. After applying my lipstick, I found my heeled, ankle boots and slid my feet into them.

  “You girls ready to hit the town? Those Theta boys won’t know what hit ‘em tonight,” Brynlee smirked and fluffed her hair. I wish I had one-fourth of her confidence.

  Brynlee and Lance were in a fight. I knew all about it because Gia had spilled the beans to me that afternoon. Going to the party at the Theta house was Brynlee’s way of getting under Lance’s skin.

  As we walked across campus, I wondered what Ryder was doing. I checked my phone, hoping that maybe he’d responded to my text from earlier. I should’ve known better. He’d never responded to any of my texts.

  We got to the Theta house shortly after midnight. The house was thumping. People were packed inside. We pushed our way through the crowd to the kitchen where the beer kegs were lined up.

  The three of us were quickly handed a drink, and before I knew it, I’d been talked into doing a keg stand. It was the first time I’d ever done a keg stand. I was terrified I’d drown, or the beer would come out of my nose and I’d completely humiliate myself. I was determined not to make a total ass of myself.

  “Chug, chug, chug!” the crowd chanted as they gathered around us.

  Brynlee looked at me and shrugged. “Let’s do this,” she said.

  Before I had a chance to protest, I was being held upside down with the nozzle in my mouth. Beer shot out, down my throat. Without hesitation, I swallowed, fearing an embarrassing catastrophe if I didn’t. Gulp after gulp, I drank the beer as fast as I could while the crowd continued chanting in the background.

  After what felt like an eternity, the guys holding my feet finally lowered them to the ground. I immediately felt woozy. I wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or the sudden rush of blood from my head.

  “Whooo!” Brynlee shouted over the roar of the crowd. She clapped a strong arm around my shoulders, leaning into me. “That was awesome!”

  It was all I could do to hold down the massive amount of liquid I’d just consumed, so all I could do was nod.

  Gia looked concerned. “You all right?” she asked.

  I nodded again, suddenly feeling very tipsy.

  “Let’s go dance!” Brynlee shouted again, grabbing my hand and stumbling toward the door.

  I somehow managed to amble along behind her, watching Brynlee’s hair sway back and forth with every step.

  The minute we entered the living room, I felt the room begin to spin. “I think I’m drunk,” I said as Gia placed one hand on each of my shoulders to steady me.

  “Look at me,” she said.

  I looked at her. Or were there two of her? I wasn’t sure.

  “Yep,” she nodded. “You’re drunk. That was fast.”

  “I’m a lightweight,” I admitted, swaying on my feet.

  The lights, the music, the sweaty people around me, it all felt like a jumbled up mess. I started to dance along to the beat of the music. At least I thought I was. Gia and Brynlee were pointing and laughing at me. I heard them, but I couldn’t hear them. It was the strangest feeling.

  Suddenly I had to pee. “I’m going to find a bathroom,” I told them.

  “You gonna barf?” Brynlee asked.

  I shook my head, but that just made me dizzier.

  “Aw,” she moaned, “don’t break the seal.”

  “Break the seal?” I asked, cocking my head a little.

  Gia patted my shoulder. “If you pee, you lose your buzz,” she explained.

  “But, I gotta go,” I told them both, certain the words came out more like a slur. “I’ll be right back.”

  Brynlee shrugged and kept dancing. Gia pointed me in the right direction. I stumbled my way through the crowd in search of the nearest bathroom.

  I managed to find a hallway, feeling sure I’d find a bathroom at the end of it. And thankfully I did. I staggered into the tiny room, l
ocking the door behind me.

  As I was finishing up and washing my hands, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. “Oh my god, you are so drunk,” I told myself. Just then a giggle escaped my mouth and I clamped a heavy hand over my lips.

  I hurriedly unlocked the door and stumbled out of it.

  “What’s so funny?” a deep voice whispered.

  “Nothing,” I said, trying to adjust my eyes to the sudden darkness. “Who…” My voice trailed as I suddenly realized it was Tim. “How did you…?” My voice wouldn’t cooperate.

  Before I could take another breath, Tim was in my face. “Alexis, Alexis, Alexis,” he sighed. “Just as beautiful as ever. It’s been a while.” He ran a gentle hand up my arm.

  I shrugged him off. “Stop, Tim.”

  He held his hands up in surrender. “Hey, now. I don’t mean anything by it.” His voice was raspy. “Why you gotta be so defensive?”

  “I’m just not interested, okay? Please leave me alone,” I said, feeling uneasy.

  Tim stepped forward, slowly walking me backward until my shoulder blades touched the wall behind me. Leaning toward me, his nose inches from mine. “That wasn’t the impression you gave me at the coffee shop. Such a tease.” He took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of my perfume. He exhaled with a slow, satisfied hum. “Then you had to go and get the campus freak to jump me in the alleyway… tsk, tsk.” He waggled his bony finger in my face.

  My stomach clenched, a heaving sensation that started deep in the pit of it. “Get away from me,” I growled, shoving him backward.

  He was taken off guard and stumbled back a step. I took it as my opportunity to run. I slid out of his grasp, screaming for Brynlee and Gia, as I stumbled down the dark hallway toward the sound of the party.

  Gia saw my panic-stricken face and immediately ran toward me. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Tim,” I heaved the word, trying to regain my balance. “Hallway,” I said, pointing a finger in his direction.

  She knew about my encounter with him before. In fact, she knew all about him from Brynlee. She’d heard the story of how he’d stalked Moss last year when he thought Moss had stolen his girlfriend.

  Grabbing Brynlee, Gia whispered something in her ear. Brynlee had her cell phone out before she’d even finished. “I’m calling the cops,” she said.

  I shook my head adamantly. “You can’t call the cops.”

  “Why the hell not?” she demanded.

  I looked around the room at all the party-goers, many of whom were too young to legally drink. “Because… alcohol. Hello, we’ve all been drinking. The Thetas will lose their charter.”

  Fletcher must have overheard us talking because he butted in. “What’s going on? Everything okay?”

  Just then, I caught a glimpse of Tim as he stepped out into the living room and looked around for me. I shook my head, watching Tim make his way over to us.

  Fletcher followed my line of sight and grimaced. “Jesus, not that dude again,” he groaned. He grabbed Moss, who was standing nearby, by the shoulder. Moss spun around and immediately saw the look of panic in my eyes.

  “What’s up, man?” he asked Fletcher, throwing a side-long glance at me.

  Fletcher flicked his head toward Tim, who glared at us over the heads of dancing party-goers.

  Moss growled, “I’ll take care of this dude, once and for all. You get the girls out of here.”

  “Done,” Fletcher said resolutely and wrapped a protective arm around Gia and me.

  Gia nodded. “Let’s get out of here.” She grabbed Brynlee’s hand, as Fletcher pulled us toward the front door.

  I peeked over my shoulder. Moss was already nose-to-nose with Tim.

  “Don’t worry about him,” Fletcher said, pulling me tighter against him. “He’ll handle it. Tim won’t be bothering you anymore.”

  I nodded, thankful that Fletcher had been there and had stepped in to help.

  Once we were safely outside, he released his protective grip on us. Nodding toward the street, he assured us, “I’ll walk you girls home. Make sure you get there all right.”

  “Thanks, Fletch,” Gia said with a sigh of relief. “We really appreciate it.”

  Tucking his hands in his pockets, Fletcher glanced down at his feet. With a sheepish grin, he replied, “No problem. Glad I could help.”

  Fletcher escorted us all the way back to our dorm. On the way there, we talked about school and all the crazy things we’d seen happen at the parties we’d been to. Gia and Brynlee came up with a list of different girls they could try to hook Fletcher up with. Fletcher even told us some of his best jokes, which helped lighten the mood.

  We were almost back to our building when Fletcher looked at us as if he suddenly realized something. “By the way, where’s Ryder?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying to get in touch with him. He knew I’d be going to the party tonight. I just figured he was studying or something.”

  He nodded. “Probably,” he said, although he didn’t quite seem convinced.

  Brynlee, who was still annoyed by men in general, piped up, “Why have you always tried so hard with Ryder, anyway? I mean, you’d think after a while you would have given up on him or something.”

  Fletcher shrugged. “I knew Ryder before the accident. We went to high school together. A lot of people gave up on him after that day, but he didn’t really deserve that, you know? I guess Ryder just needed someone to care.” He absently kicked a pebble across the sidewalk then glanced back up at us. “That’s what humans are supposed to do, right?”

  Brynlee’s expression immediately softened. Fletcher’s words certainly hit close to home for her. “You know what?” she sighed, staring off into the distance. “You’re exactly right.”

  By then, we’d reached the front door of my dorm. Like a gentleman, Fletcher held the door open for us as we entered the building. “You girls stay safe,” he warned.

  “Thanks again, Fletch,” Gia said with a wave, just as the door clicked closed.

  He smiled through the glass and spun on his heel, disappearing into the darkness. We made our way toward the elevator and headed upstairs to my room. Locking the door behind us, I collapsed on the bed.

  “What is Tim’s deal?” I heaved, staring at the ceiling. “Why won’t he just leave me alone?”

  “People are crazy,” Brynlee said, collapsing onto Gia’s desk chair.

  Glancing at the door to make sure it was locked, I sighed. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “We’ll go to the cops first thing tomorrow… after you’ve had time to sleep it off,” Gia said, her eyes wide with fear. “Maybe you can file a restraining order or something.”

  “I don’t know… maybe. I mean, he’s not actually stalking me. He just gives me the creeps when I see him. He hasn’t assaulted me or anything. They’d probably laugh me right out of the station. I mean, do they arrest people just for being weird?”

  Gia grumbled, “I guess you’re right.”

  Brynlee lay down beside me, curling around me as if to protect me. Or maybe she did it because she was scared, too. Either way, I welcomed her presence.

  I lay awake for hours, fear coursing through my body. What did I ever do to Tim? Why was he so fixated on me? And where the hell was Ryder?

  I finally drifted off to sleep after what seemed like an eternity. It seemed that within minutes the sun sliced through the makeshift curtain Gia had hung over the window.

  I was already awake when Gia sat straight up in bed. “I didn’t sleep a wink.”

  Brynlee groaned, rolling out of my bed and heading for the bathroom. “Me neither.”

  “I’m starving. How does a tall stack of pancakes at Mama D’s sound?” Gia said, slurping her tongue across her lips.

  I hopped out of bed, fumbling through my drawers for a fresh set of clothes. I could barely string any thoughts together. What if we ran into Tim again? Why couldn’t he just take a hint? What if he tried to tal
k to me again? What then? And, another thing, where the hell was Ryder?!

  The last question on my mind was one that was burning a hole through my chest. I needed to see him. I needed to be with him. I needed him to walk beside me, hold my hand, and be there for me. I just… I just needed him.

  “Before we go to Mama D’s, I want to check on Ryder first,” I told the girls as I was brushing my teeth. It came out a little garbled, so I spit and continued, “I haven’t seen him since the day before yesterday. I need to stop by his dorm for a few minutes on our way downtown. You know, to check on him. Maybe he can go with us.”

  Brynlee rolled her eyes. She was still angry at Lance and had written off all men at that point.

  Gia’s knitted eyebrows showed me that she was just as concerned as I was. “Where do you think he’s been?” she asked me.

  “I don’t know… I just assume he’s been studying,” I told her, although I wasn’t so sure. And by the look on his face, Fletcher hadn’t been sure either.

  Before long, we were traipsing across campus toward Ryder’s dorm, hoping and praying the whole way that we wouldn’t bump into Tim.

  I caught the door of Ryder’s building just as a group of students came out. We headed up to Ryder’s floor on the elevator. When I reached his dorm room, I hesitated. My fist paused, inches away from the wooden door. What if he’s busy? What if he’s still asleep? What if—

  Before I knew it, Brynlee banged on the door for me, taking me by surprise.

  “Bryn,” I hissed through clenched teeth. “Not so loud. What if he’s asleep?”

  Just then, the door swung open and a forlorn Ryder stood in the doorway. His shoulders slumped under his wrinkled, unwashed shirt. Dark circles lined his eyes, while his eyelids drooped, heavy with sleepiness.

  “Oh my god. I’m so sorry we woke you up,” I said.

  “Damn, Ryder. You look rough,” Brynlee said simultaneously.

  “Brynlee!” Gia reprimanded her. Looking at Ryder, she said, “Sorry to bother you.” She reached for the doorknob to pull the door closed. But just as she began to shut it, Ryder gripped the edge of it firmly to stop her, a wild look in his eye.