Love by Proxy

by Diana Palmer

  She went straight to her room after she finished her coffee, and stayed there. Since Worth was home, he could go if his grandmother needed someone, she thought miserably. She stretched out on the coverlet and let the tears come. She cried for the tension of the past week, for a love she’d only discovered as she was losing it. She cried for her own folly and the possibility of consequences that could ruin her entire life. Most of all, she cried because she was hurt. Worth had looked at her as if he hated her.

  That opinion seemed justified in the days that followed. Saturday and Sunday were an ordeal, because Worth was home all day, both days. Trying to keep his grandmother from seeing the tension was as hard as trying to avoid Worth. But Amelia managed it, just. It was for the best, she kept telling herself. Worth didn’t want her anymore. She was nothing more than an embarrassment to him now, a regret that walked and talked, a visible thorn in his conscience.

  When he announced early Monday morning that he was on his way to Colombia at last, Amelia could have cried with mingled regret and relief.

  He said goodbye to his grandmother, and Amelia stayed glued to the chair by the elderly woman’s bed, refusing to budge as he stood there in his neat cream-colored suit and glared down at her.

  “I can be reached at the Sheraton in Bogota, in an emergency,” he told the women. “I’ll always leave word where I’m going to be.”

  Amelia nodded, her voice nonexistent. Please, don’t let me cry, she prayed. Don’t let him see how much he’s hurt me. She clasped her hands on the lap of her green dress to keep them from trembling and giving her away. She forced herself to smile, when she felt like wailing.

  “Have a good trip,” she told him.

  He searched her eyes, and there was something new in his, something quiet and faintly stunned. His bold gaze covered all of her, from toes to hair, and stopped briefly on her mouth.

  “Take care of Grandmother,” he told her. “And yourself,” he added in a different tone.

  “You, too,” she said. She threw him a careless smile. “There are snakes in the jungle, two-legged as well as the usual kind. Watch yourself.”

  “Do look out for drug smugglers, dear,” Jeanette cautioned, and her eyes were watchful. “It goes on everywhere, but especially there. Don’t put yourself at risk.”

  “I wouldn’t dare,” he said, chuckling. He bent and kissed her wrinkled cheek. “Don’t do this again,” he instructed.

  “I wouldn’t dare.” She threw his own words back at him. “Amelia will take good care of me, don’t worry. Call us once a week or so, to let us know how you are.”

  “I will.” His quiet, near-black eyes went to Amelia’s creamy complexion and traced every line of her face. “Walk out with me, Amy.”

  “I’d rather say goodbye here, if you don’t mind,” she said with uncharacteristic hesitation. She smiled wanly.

  “I do mind,” he returned. “Come on.”

  With a helpless look at Jeanette, who was watching the byplay suspiciously, Amelia got up and passed by him into the hall. Worth said something to Jeanette and closed the door.

  Amelia walked beside him to the front porch, pausing on the top step. “Well?” she asked coldly.

  He had his attaché case in one hand. The other tilted her chin up to make her look at him. He seemed bigger than ever this close. She smelled the Oriental cologne he wore and felt his breath on her face. And hated him for the sensations that rippled in the body, in her mind.

  “I can’t leave with you hating me,” he said, choosing his words. “I didn’t mean to blow up at you over the damned car.”

  She kept her voice steady, although it wasn’t easy. “It’s okay. I’ve already forgotten.”

  His thumb smoothed over her chin and reached up to trace her bottom lip. “It wasn’t what you said,” he growled. “I don’t think of you as a one-night stand. I never did. You made it sound cheap, when that’s the last thing it was.”

  She wanted to ask why that bothered him, but she didn’t. She shrugged carelessly. “No harm done. Anyway, it’s all over now.”

  “Is it, really?” He searched her eyes. His kindled, darkened, his breath caught in his chest. “Come here and tell me goodbye properly.”

  He caught her waist and pulled her in to his body. He bent and started to kiss her, but her instincts for survival were sharp. She jerked away from him, frightened of what she might give away if those firm, warm lips came down on her own.

  The look on his face shocked her. She saw surprise and sudden torment mingle in his eyes before he dropped his hand. He stared at her levelly, his eyes accusing, as if she’d hurt him.

  “Don’t,” she whispered huskily, her big eyes wide and quiet.

  “For God’s sake, why not?” he asked shortly.

  “I don’t need pity,” she said miserably. “And you don’t have to feel guilty about what happened, either. We both know that you’ve had all of me you wanted. I’m just another castoff, like the car you got rid of.” Her eyes lifted. “If it weren’t for your grandmother, I imagine you’d have shot me out the door days ago.”

  He stiffened, his eyes grew cold. “You can’t credit me with a single unselfish motive, can you? All right, Amy, you’re entitled to your own opinion, regardless of how far off the mark it is. While I’m gone, you’ll have plenty of time to think about it. Maybe absence will accomplish what I can’t.”

  His eyes searched hers quietly, so intently that she felt her heart leap, and then he turned away. He didn’t say another word. He didn’t look back. He put his attaché case in the car, got in under the steering wheel and drove off. He didn’t even wave. And Amelia stood on the steps and cried as she watched him leave, tears rolling down her cheeks, made silvery in the sunlight.

  “Goodbye, Worth,” she whispered.

  She took her time about going back to Jeanette’s room. But when she walked in, the elderly lady appraised her and smiled slowly.

  “Now,” she murmured. “Come and sit down and tell me why you’re fighting with Worth.”

  Amelia bluffed it out. “He gave me a car. Tried to give me a car,” she corrected.

  Jeanette’s face fell. “Oh. So that was it.”

  “I won’t be treated like a charity case. I like you. I stay here because I care, not because I want to be pampered.”

  “You’re independent and proud, Amy,” Jeanette said gently. “And I adore you, because I’m independent and proud, too. I hate being waited on and looked after.”

  “I don’t mind looking after you,” Amelia said gently, and smiled. “So stop making me feel like a jailer. You just get well, boss lady, and I’ll help you escape from the big dark jailer. Okay?”

  Jeanette laughed delightedly. “Okay!” She yawned and blinked. “I’m so tired. Worth looked worse than I do, you know. Was he very upset?”

  “Terribly,” Amelia replied. She sat down by the bed. “He loves you very much.”

  “Yes, I love him, too. I’m sorry it was so hard on him. I do worry about him, Amy. What is he going to do when I die?” she asked softly. “I can’t live forever. And just lately, I have trouble finding reasons to stay alive myself. There’s nothing to look forward to. He’ll never marry. There’ll never be great-grandchildren.” Her wrinkled face seemed to age with sorrow. “The end of the line. It stops with him. All my dreams, gone.” Her sigh was bitter. “Oh, Amy, he’ll be so alone.”

  Amelia bit her lower lip and looked down. “I know.”

  She felt the old, wrinkled hand sliding into hers. “It hurts me to think of him going on the way he is.” The pale eyes lanced into hers. “Amy, do you ever think of him…as a man?”

  It took all Amelia’s willpower not to let that remark get to her. She faked a smile. “Once in a while,” she confessed with just the right amount of interest. “He’s very attractive.”

  “He watches you, Amy,” she said unexpectedly. “All the time. I hoped you might feel something for him, because I think he feels a great deal for you.”

&nbs
p; Amelia had to fight down a blush. Yes, of course he did, he’d slept with her and he remembered how good it had been, but he wasn’t interested in a lifetime of her. He just felt guilty.

  “Do you think so?” she asked Jeanette, but she couldn’t meet the older woman’s eyes.

  “Worth’s spent most of his life alone,” the older woman told her. She moved her silvery head on the pillow. “Even as a boy. He was never a joiner. Then, he went into the Marines and served in Vietnam. When he came home, he’d changed drastically. He drank for a year, and was frankly in danger of becoming addicted, until I persuaded him to get some counseling. He quit, and he’s never gone back, except for an occasional drink now and then. Then it was women, a different one every night. Until Connie.” She tugged at the sheet. “He’s never had much love. His parents died, and he knew that Jackie was my favorite. It was only after Jackie died that I turned to Worth. He’s so used to secondhand love, Amy. When Connie betrayed him, I suppose it was just the last straw. He’s drawn into himself this past year. He talks about growing old, but always alone. And so much of it is my fault. I’ve had a long time to live with my regrets.”

  “I’m sorry,” Amy said. “For both of you.”

  Jeanette smiled wearily. “I have been tossing you at Worth, I confess it. But you’re such a sweet person, Amy. So giving. Worth needs someone happy and sunny like you, to balance him, to keep him from growing cynical about life. If only he’d notice you.”

  He already had, but Amy wasn’t going into that!

  “Perhaps by the time he comes back from Bogota,” Jeanette murmured thoughtfully, “things will have changed.”

  Those words turned out to be prophetic. Several weeks went by with Amy growing weaker and sicker by the day. By the sixth week, she was losing her breakfast regularly and certain that her worst fears had been realized. A test at a local health clinic gave her the proof. She was pregnant.

  Ten

  Even though she was expecting it, the news knocked Amelia to her knees. She’d been able to keep sharp-eyed Jeanette from seeing her problem, but now what could she do? Worth hadn’t said anything personal to her since he’d left the country. If he had to speak to her on the phone, he was brief to the point of rudeness. Now he seemed to hate her, so how could she tell him that she was pregnant?

  Jeanette needed Amelia, now more than ever. But she’d have to leave eventually, when she began to show. And then what? She couldn’t bear even the thought of having Worth find out. She didn’t want to know how he’d react to being trapped. She already had the feeling that she was an embarrassment to him—a used-up lover who was just in the way.

  She was tormented by her own thoughts. She didn’t know what to do. She loved Worth. Part of her was ecstatic about the baby. But a more sensible part was terrified. She thought about her inability to support a second person, all the pitfalls of single parenthood, her parents’ reaction to her unwed pregnancy. What a mess. And all the fault of misguided compassion.

  The only person she could have talked to was Marla Sayers, but Marla was out of town with Andy, visiting his mother. Amelia had had little contact with her friend since her job with the Carsons began. Marla had been busy when Amelia was free, and vice versa. Now Amelia wished she’d tried harder to maintain that friendship. She needed a friend now. And she remembered then, without wanting to, what Worth had said—that he’d be her best friend. And she started crying.

  Her emotions were balanced on razor edge. She cried at the drop of a hat. She lost her appetite, because she was sick so much. And sometimes she tired so easily that it was really frightening. She felt that she could sleep straight through for days. The physical signs grew as well. Her breasts became swollen. Her waistline began to expand. And all the while she wondered what to do, and knew that things were going to get critical all too soon.

  Worth’s calls had decreased to one a week, and thank God he hadn’t mentioned anything to Jeanette about coming home. But it was Jeanette who brought things to a head.

  As Amelia was reading a letter to her one night, she fixed a level gaze on the young woman and asked point-blank, “Are you pregnant, Amy?”

  The letter fell to the floor and Amelia stammered around for a reply. But what could she say? “Yes,” she said miserably, and stared down at her feet. She was wearing a floppy blouse and an unbuttoned pair of slacks, and she felt as big as a house even though she was barely two and a half months along. Incredible to think Worth had been gone that long.

  “It’s been a long time,” Jeanette said softly, “but I remember so well how it felt when I carried my son. It was my happiest year. But it isn’t yours, is it, dear?”

  Amelia shook her head. “I…don’t know what to do, you see. My parents would be scandalized. They’re churchgoing people. They live in a small community, and they didn’t raise me to be promiscuous.”

  “You don’t seem like a promiscuous girl to me, Amy,” came the quiet reply. “It must have been just before you came to work for me. Do you love the father?”

  Amelia nodded, but she couldn’t lift her eyes.

  “And how does he feel?”

  Her lips twitched. “He doesn’t know,” she said huskily. “He seems to have no use for me now. It was just a one-night thing. I was crazy about him, and he needed me.” Her shoulders lifted and fell. “And then just that quickly, he didn’t want me any more. The classic situation. I suppose I panicked when I turned twenty-eight and I was alone and unmarried. Well, I’m still unmarried,” she added, glancing up ruefully. “But I sure won’t be alone much longer.”

  Jeanette nibbled on her lower lip. “There’s no chance this man might want to marry you and acknowledge the child?”

  “He would probably deny that it was his,” she returned. “He hates me, and that’s no lie. I’m an embarrassment to him now.”

  “He doesn’t sound like much of a prize,” the elderly woman huffed. “You’re better off without him. But, Amy, what are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to get another job,” she said gently. “I’m sorry. But you must see that I can’t stay here now.”

  Jeanette glared at her. “I’m not too old to have a child around.”

  “Of course you aren’t,” Amelia placated, “but Worth wouldn’t like it. You know he wouldn’t. He and I fight all the time lately. He resents the very fact of my presence. He always has.”

  “I know. I kept hoping that things might improve between you, you know,” the older woman confessed. “But I could see the day he left that it had been rough sailing.”

  “It would get worse if he knew I was pregnant,” Amelia continued. She had to keep Jeanette from telling him about the child, but without letting her know why. “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell him. I…want to get away, before he comes back.”

  “Oh, I see,” Jeanette said suddenly, her eyes kind and sad, too, and Amelia’s heart stopped dead. The older woman sighed. “You think that his opinion of you would be even worse if he knew, don’t you? But, my dear, he isn’t such a bear, and he does realize that people are human, that they make mistakes. You might give him a chance….”

  “No,” Amelia said. “I couldn’t bear it if he knew. Please, promise you won’t tell him.”

  “All right. I promise, dear.”

  “I’ll go home, for the time being,” Amelia said, thinking ahead. “I won’t tell my parents yet, but I’ll go home and think it all out. I have to have a little time. And I’m not showing much yet. My parents stay so busy these days that they’ll never notice the changes. And by the time I’m showing, I’ll have a job somewhere away.”

  The older lady looked lost. “I’ll miss you terribly, Amy. Is there any way I can help? Even financially…”

  “No.” Amelia got up, and impulsively bent to hug the old lady, gently, careful of her scar. “I love you, Jeanette Carson,” she said with a wobbly smile. “I’ll never forget you.”

  “Nor I you,” Jeanette whispered.

  Amelia went out wi
thout a backward glance, and by the end of the evening, she’d called her parents, canceled her lease at the Kennedys and booked a flight home the next morning.

  It was hard to leave the house, to leave the memories behind and know that she’d never see Worth again as long as she lived. It tore the heart out of her to go. And saying goodbye to Jeanette was excruciatingly painful. Although there were plenty of servants, and Jeanette had promised to hire a nurse to stay with her at night, Amelia felt guilty about going. But now she had no choice. The worst, or best depending on her point of view, had happened. Now she had to make arrangements. It wouldn’t be so horrible, anyway, she told herself. She only wondered if the child would mind the decisions she was having to make. He or she would grow up without a father, and that was a stigma she’d never expected to give a child of hers. It was ironic, when Worth was just the age to need children, and she was giving him one, that he’d never even know about it. She felt bitter sadness for them both.

  Jack and Peggy Glenn were in their fifties. He was tall and thin and dark-eyed, she was short and blond and blue-eyed. They looked odd together, but there was such love in them for each other. Amelia had always envied them that devotion, and she’d hoped to find it herself. But all the years of searching hadn’t produced it in her own life. She was pregnant, but not out of love. Her condition was due to a man’s grief and lust, nothing more.

  “It’s so good to have you home,” Peggy murmured as they made supper that first night. “We’ve missed you. Are you home for good?”

  “I don’t know,” Amelia admitted. “I’m not sure. I just needed a little time to myself. I’m kind of between jobs.”

  “You haven’t told us much about this last one. Your employer was an elderly woman, wasn’t she?”

  “Yes. A lovely lady. I miss her already.”

  “Then why quit?”

  Amelia searched for words.

  “Leave the girl alone,” Jack said with a mock frown. “She’s home, isn’t she? That’s enough.” He put an arm around her. “Stick with me, kid, I’ll protect you from the Spanish Inquisition over there.”