Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  But I don’t. Instead, I hang out with Rachel while Ben takes his shower and I try not to think about him in there. We sit on her bed, flicking through Hello! magazines and commenting on all of the latest celebrity fashion and gossip. Despite the interruption, I do really like Ben’s sister and I’m glad that we get on so well.

  Suddenly I hear the bathroom door open and I can’t help myself as I lift my eyes from the page to the open doorway of Rachel’s bedroom. About two seconds later, Ben walks past, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He glances in as he walks by and immediately his eyes lock onto mine. I stare, unable to move, as my boyfriend stops and stares back at me, his bottom lip between his teeth as he watches me blatantly checking him out.

  I’m struggling to stay on the bed, my fingers are desperate to reach out and touch all of that bare skin I’m now seeing. I’ve seen Ben without a shirt on before, plenty of times in the summer when we’ve gone to the local pool, or even when we’ve just sat around in the backyard.

  But all of that was in a different life.

  And all of that was in a life when Ben didn’t look like he does now.

  His skin is still damp from the shower, tiny water droplets sliding over his smooth skin. There’s hair on his chest now, a dark patch that matches the hair on his head, and as my eyes slide lower, I notice a trail of dark hair from his belly button to somewhere below the towel. Just the thought of where that trail goes makes me swallow hard. And as I force my eyes back up to Ben’s face, I catch the way his eyes darken in response, as though he’s read my mind and all of the thoughts now swirling around in there. He’s still staring at me as he cocks his head in the direction of his bedroom. It’s like he’s asking me to follow him in there, as though he doesn’t have any control over what’s happening between us either.

  I’m halfway off the bed, ready to find out what would happen if I did.

  “Oh my god, look at what this cow is wearing,” Rachel suddenly says, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards her.

  I fall back onto the bed, the spell broken. As I glance back at Ben, I see him exhale, a hand reaching up and running through his wet hair, only emphasising all of the muscles in his chest. I’m halfway off the bed again when Rachel squeezes my arm, oblivious to what’s going on between me and her brother.

  “Evie, look, can you believe it?”

  Ben gives me a tight smile, as though he knows we’ve lost this opportunity, before he turns away and disappears into his bedroom. I force myself to focus on whatever it is that Rachel’s trying to show me, knowing my mind is really on the man in the room next door to us.

  But as I nod and hmmm at her, the only thing I’m thinking about is Ben in his room, pulling that towel from his hips.

  And the only thing I’m wishing is how much I was in there watching him do it.

  30th November 1992

  Sixteen years old

  Ben opens the door, a huge smile on his face as he sees me standing on his front step.

  “What are you so excited about?” I ask as he grabs my hand and pulls me inside and into the living room. Ben says nothing as he walks us to the couch, pulls me down beside him and presses his lips against mine.

  “Ben,” I breathe out. “What’s going on?”

  He pulls back, a huge grin on his face as he says, “Nothing, why?”

  I smile back at him, biting my lip as I resist leaning in and pushing him back on to the couch. “Because you’re unusually excited about something,” I say, knowing it’s more than that.

  Ben’s smile gets wider as he whispers, “No one’s home, Evie, we have the house all to ourselves.”

  My stomach flips at Ben’s words, my heart pounding at the way he’s looking at me when he says them. Both of us know exactly what this means because by silent agreement, both of us know exactly what the other one wants.

  “No one?” I ask.

  Ben shakes his head. “No one.”

  “Rachel?” I ask, double-checking. Ben shakes his head again, his eyes sparkling now. “Well,” I say, leaning closer. “In that case, we better make the most of it.”

  And then I press my lips hard against his, forcing his body backwards onto the couch. I fall with him so we end up lying together, my chest against his as Ben deepens the kiss. I feel his hands slide up and under my jumper, his fingers as they brush over the bra strap across my back. Shivers run all the way down my spine as a moan falls from my mouth and is swallowed by Ben. Before I can be embarrassed about it, I hear Ben’s moan in response, as though this not only turns him on, but that he likes knowing it turns me on too.

  “We should go upstairs,” I mumble, my lips parting as Ben’s tongue slides into my mouth.

  “No one’s home,” he says, the hands on my back sliding higher now, pulling the jumper from my body. We break apart as he pulls it over my head and I take a moment just to stare down at him, watch the man who takes my breath away. “You okay?” he asks, as he looks up at me.

  I smile, leaning in to kiss him again. “More than okay, Ben.”

  “Good,” he says before he rolls us over so I’m lying beneath him. I take the opportunity to lift off Ben’s shirt now, my fingers sliding over his warm chest as I pull it from his body. I throw it on to the floor, never taking my eyes off him. Ben props himself up on his elbows, letting me take it all in and as I do, I see my fingers reach out and touch him, explore this grown up body in ways that I never have before.

  “You like?” Ben whispers, his eyes dark as he watches me touch him.

  I bite my bottom lip as I smile. “I love, Ben,” I whisper, lifting my eyes to his now.

  “Me too,” he says before he lowers his head and presses soft kisses to my breasts. My fingers slide into his hair, holding him to me as he kisses a soft trail across the top of my bra. I feel goose bumps break out all over my skin, another moan fall from my lips as Ben’s leg slides between mine, pushing into me. The weight of him, pressing against me, against places that he’s never been before as his lips kiss my bare skin, feels like nothing else in this world. I feel drunk, hungry and hot, all at the same time. I feel like I can’t get close enough to him, like I will never get enough.

  I slide my hands down his back now, my fingers gripping his arse as I pull him even closer to me, pushing my hips off the couch as I try to get us as close as possible. My brain is swimming in my head, all sense of control long gone. I feel like I could do anything right now, anything but stop what’s happening between Ben and me.

  “Fuck, Evie,” Ben murmurs, his lips kissing up my neck and to my mouth again. “You drive me fucking crazy.”

  I smile against his mouth. “But in a good way, right?”

  Ben groans, the leg that rests between mine pushing harder against me as he says, “In a really good way, baby.”

  “Good,” I breathe out as I move my hands from his arse to the front of his jeans. Ben reads my mind, lifting his hips off mine only long enough for me to unbutton and unzip him. I push them over his hips, but they get trapped around his thighs as he collapses against me. I can feel him pushing against me, feel everything this is doing to him and I know that I don’t ever want to let this feeling go.

  “…So, is your brother home?” a strange voice asks.

  Ben and I both freeze, our lips, chests and hips all still pressed against each other as we hear the front door close and Rachel and her friend walk into the house.

  “Fuck,” Ben says, his head falling to my chest. “Fucking shit fuck.”

  My fingers are digging into his hips as I realise just how compromising a position we’re in right now. Both of us are half-dressed, lying on the couch making out like a couple of horny teenagers. Which is exactly what we are.

  Only Ben’s jeans are halfway down his legs, he’s got a hard-on that’s currently pressed against me, and his sister and her friend are now standing in the entry of their house. We are two seconds away from being busted in the worst possible way.

  “We have to get up,” I
whisper to him, pushing his head up off my chest. “Before they catch us.”

  “I think it’s too late for that,” Ben mumbles, lifting his body off mine.

  “Oh there you are,” comes Rachel’s voice, oblivious once more to what she’s interrupted between her brother and me. “Is Evie…oh,” she says as she suddenly realises what she’s just walked in on.

  “Hey, Rach,” Ben says, the frustration in his voice evident as he reaches down and hands me my jumper.

  I quickly slide it over my head before I sit up, smoothing my hair down as I turn to smile at Rachel. But my smile instantly disappears when I notice her friend standing there blatantly staring at my boyfriend. I quickly grab Ben’s jumper from where it landed when I threw it, then stand in front of him as he gets dressed, blocking whoever Rachel’s friend is from looking anymore. I have to stifle a groan as Ben readjusts his jeans, trying to accommodate what was pressed against me only seconds ago. My eyes close as I remember just how amazing that felt.

  “Sorry,” Rach says, her cheeks red as she smiles at both of us. “I didn’t know you were home.”

  “Hmmm,” Ben mumbles as he stands up now, his body behind mine as he pulls me back against him.

  “We’re just gonna watch a movie, you want to join us?” she says, struggling to change the subject to something less embarrassing than the fact she’s just busted her brother and his girlfriend half dressed.

  I swallow as I lean my head back against Ben’s shoulder, looking up at him to see what he thinks. “No thanks,” he says, his fingers tightening on my shoulders.

  “Oh come on,” Rachel’s friend says, stepping closer now. I watch as her eyes roam all over Ben, instantly making my skin crawl. “It’ll be fun and I’ve brought popcorn.”

  I stand straighter in an attempt to block Ben from this girl’s wandering eyes. “No, we’re good, thanks,” I say, turning to slide an arm around Ben’s waist. “Come on, let’s go up to your room.”

  I watch this girl’s face as it falls. Her eyes move to my arm around Ben’s waist and then lower and I instantly want to punch her in the face.

  “Well your loss,” she says, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “I’m Katie by the way.”

  I ignore her last comment as I pull Ben from the living room and we head upstairs to his room. When I hear him laughing beside me, I glance up at him. “What?”

  Ben turns to face me, smiling as he says, “Oh nothing.”

  “What?” I ask again, as we walk into his room and close the door behind us. “Why are you laughing at me?”

  Ben pulls me down onto his bed, smiling as he tucks some of my hair behind my ear. “You are so adorable, Evie Wakefield,” he says, leaning in to kiss me.

  “What, what did I do?” I repeat, gently pushing his chest.

  I watch as Ben falls back onto his bed, his smiling face looking up at me as he says, “You, marking your territory down there.”

  I stare down at him, my fingers trailing over the strip of bare skin between his jumper and jeans. I’d love to peel them off again, continue what we started back down in the living room, but it’s too risky now with Rachel and her friend here. Even though Ben’s parents aren’t home, we both know Rachel has a knack for interrupting us at the worst possible moment. Downstairs was proof enough of that. And it would be just our luck that she would do it again.

  “I was?” I ask, watching his eyes darken as my fingers move over him.

  “You were,” he says, his hand reaching to pull me down to him.

  I land against his chest, my hands trapped between us. “I don’t like the way she was looking at you,” I say, leaning up to kiss his jaw.

  Ben laughs as he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me up his body. “You don’t need to worry about that, Evie,” he says. “Because I’m all yours.”

  And then he kisses me and my heart starts to pound.

  All mine.

  10th December 1992

  Sixteen years old

  “Aren’t you supposed to be studying,” Ben asks, never stopping the sit-ups he’s doing on the floor of his bedroom. I’m sprawled out on his bed supposedly doing some study for my English final tomorrow, but more distracted by what’s going on in front of me.

  I smile at him. “I am studying,” I say, knowing it’s true, even if it’s not exactly the stuff I’m supposed to be studying.

  Ben smiles as he does a couple more sit-ups before collapsing back on the floor, his hands behind his head as he stares up at me. “You sure about that?” he asks.

  I stare at him lying on the floor beside me. I still can’t believe how unbelievably gorgeous he looks in this life. Can’t get over the fact that Ben is all mine.

  “Evie, babe,” Ben says, still smiling. “What are you thinking about?” he asks, a question which seems to come up a lot these days.

  I’m sure the look on my face gives me away, but I tell him anyway. “You.”

  Ben’s smile gets wider. “Oh yeah,” he says, that cheeky grin out in full force. “What about me?”

  I smile as I slide off the bed and onto the floor, crawling towards him. “How good you look,” I whisper, as I lean down to kiss him.

  Ben kisses me back as he says, “Good? Just good?”

  I can’t help but laugh as I slide my hand up and under his sweaty t-shirt. I feel his stomach contract at my touch and it only highlights all the firmness of his muscles, the warm, tight skin that covers them. “Really good?” I suggest.

  Ben laughs now, his eyes still watching me. I’m staring at my hand, watching it as my fingers slowly pull his t-shirt higher. His skin is covered in sweat and I watch my fingers slide over his stomach, tracing the outline of his hips, the trail of hair that leads from his belly button and lower down. I still haven’t found out how far down it goes and right now, that’s the only thing I’m thinking about.

  As my fingers brush along his waistband, Ben groans, and I notice the tightness in the front of his track pants. Unable to resist, I lower my hand, my fingers caressing him on the outside of the fabric. He’s already hard and I can’t help but bite my bottom lip, mesmerised by the fact that I can do this to him.

  “Evie, what are you doing, baby?” Ben whispers, his voice strained as though he’s trying to keep himself under control. What I am doing is a risk, but right now, it’s one I’m willing to take.

  I glance up at his face and see his eyes are closed. With my hand still on his crotch, I lean in and press a kiss to his lips. “I’m studying,” I whisper.

  Ben groans again and my fingers tighten against him, making him groan even louder. It sends a shiver all the way down my spine and when his hand slides around my neck, holding my mouth to his, I can’t help but let out some kind of noise too, my heart pounding in my chest at what’s happening between us.

  “That feels so good, baby,” his whispers, his words a mumble between kisses.

  I smile against his mouth, sliding my tongue against his as I deepen our kiss. At the same time, I move my hand, sliding it under the waistband and against his bare skin. As my fingers grip him, both of us let out a loud moan. He is so hard in my hand, but at the same time, his skin is so soft and warm.

  “What about this?” I ask. I’m not moving, just holding him. Ben is lying so still beneath me as he holds my mouth against his, almost as though he’s afraid to move, afraid to ask for more. But I want more, a lot more. I move my fingers gently up and down the length of him, wanting to know what that does. “Does this feel good?” I whisper.

  “Fuck,” Ben breathes into my mouth.

  I smile, my heart almost beating through my ribcage now. “Is that a yes?” I ask.

  “Yes, definitely yes,” Ben groans, pulling me closer as his other hand slides over my jumper, grabbing my breast. His fingers knead me as though he’s encouraging me to keep going. I have no intention of stopping, my hand still moving up and down inside his pants.

  “Jesus, Evie, that feels so fucking good,” Ben says, his fingers sliding un
der my jumper now and resting over my bra. I want to feel them on my skin, with nothing between us, just like what I’m doing to him. With my free hand, I reach under my top, push Ben’s hand out of the way before pulling down my bra cup. I grab his hand again, pushing it against my bare breast. Ben groans loudly, his hips pushing up off the floor this time. My fingers tighten around him as I feel like my body is going to melt into a pool of liquid right beside him.

  I have no idea how far we’re going with this right now, but I don’t care. The only thing I do know is I really don’t want to stop.

  “Evie, Ben…dinner’s ready,” Rachel says as she pounds on the door to Ben’s room.

  “Fuck,” Ben moans as I snatch my hand away and fall back onto my butt beside him on the floor. He’s still laying there, his eyes closed and a huge situation going on in the front of his pants.

  Rachel knocks again. “You guys, dinner, can you hear me?”

  “Ben,” I hiss, scared his sister is going to come in and bust us…again. Ben groans as he rolls onto his side, curling his body around me. My hand grips his shoulder, shaking him. “Ben, your sister, she’s outside.”

  “I know,” he mumbles into my hip, his arms wrapping around my waist.

  “What if she comes in?” I ask, panic in my voice.

  “We’ll be there in a sec, Rach,” Ben calls out, before his mouth is on my hip, biting in frustration.

  He’s frustrated, but so am I. I don’t know who really started what was about to happen just then. I don’t know which one of us ever starts it anymore. All I know is that both of us want this. Badly.

  The things I was doing to Ben, his reactions and sounds, all of it was such a turn on. I never realised I could do these things to his body, that I could have that much power over him. I wonder if he even realises all of the things he does to mine, whether he knows he isn’t the only one who’s frustrated or wanting more here.

  “We need to go downstairs,” I tell him, my fingers brushing his hair back.