Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  “Eva,” Ben says, his voice firm, his lips even firmer as they quickly press against mine. “We will find each other, that I promise you. I will never stop looking for you, baby.”

  “You don’t know that, Ben,” I cry, my voice cracking as the reality of this is finally laid out between us. “You don’t even know where to look.”

  Ben stares intently down at me, his beautiful blue eyes piercing right through me as he says, “I know, Eva, but I know we’ll find each other. We have to.”

  And then he’s kissing me with a need that’s almost urgent; as though tonight is the night I’ll disappear again. His hands are all over me, pulling at my clothes as if he’s desperate to get them off. And suddenly, I’m feeling trapped in this dress I’m wearing and I’m tearing at it too, needing it off.

  Our movements are frantic, our hands tearing at each other in urgent desperation. Ben’s fingers finally find and lower my zipper, and then he’s pulling at the straps on my shoulders. My hands are on his shirt, not bothering to undo it as I rip it open, buttons flying everywhere. I go for his belt next, yanking open his jeans and pushing them down his hips. Ben’s already unhooked my bra and is now pushing my knickers off. When they are around my feet, I kick them across the room just as Ben picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist.

  “Ben…please,” I beg him.

  His fingers dig into the skin of my back as he turns and lays me down on the bed. I lie back, hungry for him, watching as he pulls off his briefs before crawling up my body. His mouth is back on mine, pressing hungry, desperate kisses, which I am practically inhaling. I feel like I can’t get enough of him, that I can’t get close enough to him, like I need him in a way I’ve never needed him before.

  Suddenly Ben is kneeling between my legs and picking me up and then I’m straddling his hips, crying out as he lowers me onto him. My arms wrap around his shoulders, and his wrap tightly around my waist, moving me up and down with an urgency that we’ve never had before.

  We are consuming each other and it is hard, intense and filled with a desperate longing. Driven by a primal need to devour each other, have our fill before it’s too late. It’s hot and frantic and my body is screaming out for more even as Ben drives into me over and over again. I come almost straightaway, unable to control it and Ben continues to push into me, never letting up. He’s covered in sweat, our bodies slick against each other and when he finally calls out my name and pushes into me one last time, my head falls back in ecstasy.

  After, I sit exhausted in Ben’s lap, my knees still on either side of his hips. Neither of us has moved and he’s still inside me. I don’t want to let him go and it feels like he’s thinking the same thing, both of our arms still tightly holding on to each other. His chest is heaving against mine, his breaths hard and erratic against my skin.

  “I’m sorry,” I eventually whisper, my mouth at his ear.

  “For what?” Ben asks, his voice muffled by his face buried against my shoulder.

  “For saying that, for thinking we wouldn’t be together or that we wouldn’t find each other again.”

  I feel Ben take a deep breath, his mouth still pressed against the skin of my neck. “It’s my worst fear too, Evie,” he eventually says, without lifting his head. “It’s what scares me the most, baby. That somehow we won’t find each other, or you won’t remember me the next time you disappear.”

  I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks now, but I don’t say anything, just tighten my arms around him.

  “I try not to think about it, but sometimes it just creeps in,” he says, his voice catching on the words. “I worry that something will happen to you and I’ll never even find out. I worry that somehow you’ll get hurt or you won’t be able to find your way back to me. And I don’t know what I’d do if I never got to see you again, never got to hold you, or kiss you, or touch you, or…”

  “Ben…” I whisper, my heart breaking at his confession, at the torment in his voice.

  “I can’t bear the thought of not being with you, Eva,” he says, making my tears fall harder. “I don’t ever want to lose you.”

  “I’ll always find you,” I choke out. “I promise I’ll always find you.” And I know that I will. No matter what it takes, I will find my way back to him.

  Ben’s arms tighten around me as he finally lifts his head to look at me. His eyes are shining in the low light and I watch as he leans in to kiss away the tears that are on my cheeks.

  “I love you, Eva,” he whispers against my lips, his eyes still open and staring into mine.

  I hold his stare, not blinking as I say, “I love you too, Ben, more than anything in the world.”

  28th February 1996

  Nineteen years old

  Ben and I walk up to the front door of his parent’s house, home from the dinner he took me out for to celebrate my birthday. It’s a bittersweet night because tonight is the night I disappear and as much as we both try to pretend that it isn’t going to happen, I know we’re both thinking about it. It’s even worse this time too. Not just because of everything that’s happened between us, but because we still don’t know where Ben’s going. He’s been working at the station in Fleet, but it’s not permanent and when he gets the final notice, he’ll move. And I will have no idea how to find him.

  “What do you want to do for the rest of the night?” Ben asks, putting his key in the front door but not opening it yet.

  I slide my arm around his waist, pulling him against me. “Just spend it with you,” I say quietly.

  Ben kisses the top of my head as he says, “Sounds perfect,” before twisting his key and opening the front door.

  “SURPRISE!”

  The sound of voices all yelling at once and the lights that suddenly turn on, stops us both in our tracks. I glance up at Ben at the same time as he looks down at me, both of us having no clue what’s going on here.

  “Happy birthday, Evie,” Rachel says, walking towards me and pulling me into a hug. “You didn’t think you’d get away with just a romantic dinner with my brother tonight now, did you?”

  I don’t know what to say. Yeah, I’d kind of hoped it would be just Ben and me tonight because right now, a party is the last thing I need. How the fuck am I supposed to be at my surprise party when I’m going to disappear in four hours?

  “Evie?” Rachel asks as she pulls back a little. I watch as she glances at Ben, before turning back to me. I get the feeling she’s maybe thinking the surprise party isn’t such a good idea after all. I know she means well, but she really couldn’t have chosen a worse day to throw this for me.

  Suddenly Ben grabs my hand, squeezing it tight as he says to his sister, “It’s okay, Rach, we just didn’t expect it is all.” He pulls me against him, his sister’s arms falling to her side as she looks from her brother to me.

  “This is okay?” she asks, and her face looks so hopeful, I can’t help but smile at her.

  “Yeah, it is. Thanks, Rach.” I slide my arm around Ben’s waist, pulling him closer. My fingers dig into his hip in silent question of how we’re going to do this, before I smile at all of our friends, still standing in the living room staring at us. “Thank you,” I say. “Thank you for the party.”

  Someone hits play on the stereo and the sound of loud music immediately fills the house. It’s the perfect distraction as everyone goes back to their drinks, forgetting about Ben and me, who are still standing in the entry.

  “What are we going to do?” I ask Ben, pulling him towards the small study that sits off to the right of the front door. “I only have four hours left.”

  “Evie,” Ben murmurs, pulling me into his arms. He presses a kiss to my lips before saying, “I know, babe, I know this is really shit timing.”

  “Did you know anything about this?” I ask him, noticing that Paul and Lily are both here.

  “No,” he says, shaking his head. “Of course I didn’t. I have absolutely no desire to share you with anyone tonight, Evie. And you know, we don’t h
ave to stay, baby. We can just go upstairs and hide in our room, spend the rest of tonight together, just like we planned.”

  I stare up at Ben as he tells me this, knowing it’s exactly what I want to do and it’s exactly what we could do. But I also know it would be incredibly rude and wrong to just disappear like that, ignore all of these people who have shown up to celebrate my birthday. None of the people out there know that we’re running out of time. None of what’s about to happen tonight, what Ben and I have to face, is their fault.

  “We should probably stay for a bit,” I say quietly.

  “We don’t have to, Evie, really,” Ben says, leaning in to kiss me again. “I’ll deal with Rachel if you just want to go upstairs and hide.”

  I shake my head. “No, it’s okay.”

  “You’re sure?” he asks, his arms tightening around my shoulders.

  “Not really,” I tell him, afraid of how we, or Ben anyway, is going to explain what happens at midnight. “But we should,” I say, my arms wrapping around his waist. “Just promise me the last hour together though, okay?”

  “Deal,” he says, leaning in to kiss me again. “No matter what happens tonight, the last hour is just you and me.”

  “Thank you,” I say and we walk out and join the party.

  As soon as we rejoin everyone in the living room, we’re surrounded by our friends. Both Paul and his girlfriend Lily hug me as they wish me a happy birthday. Drinks are pushed into our hands and as Ben leans over and whispers, “The last hour together,” in my ear, I take a deep breath and try to forget about what’s coming tonight and just have a good time.

  And in the end, we do. All of our friends are here, including plenty of Rachel’s. She’s obviously taken advantage of the fact that John and Suzanne are away and thrown the party to end all parties. I don’t mind though, all the people who are here tonight are nice. All of them except for one.

  Katie Price.

  I recognise her from all the times she’s spent at the house, staring at Ben. She’s Rachel’s friend and to say I don’t like her would be an understatement. It’s not the staring at Ben that bothers me so much; it’s the comments she makes at the same time. The ones she says loud enough to ensure I can always hear what she’s saying about my boyfriend. Rachel occasionally tells her off and even though I try my best to ignore her, it all just seems to spur her on even more. Ben doesn’t even notice, barely pays her any attention, but it’s become a game to her. The more we ignore her, the more she tries to make herself be seen and heard, especially by him. And frankly, I’m getting sick of it, especially knowing that soon, I will be gone and I won’t be able to stop her.

  It’s not that I don’t trust Ben, I do, I always have. But I definitely don’t trust her and I’m worried when I disappear, if I disappear for a long time, what might happen. I’m worried that somehow, without me here, she’ll do something that even Ben won’t be able to resist.

  And looking at the way she’s dressed tonight, the way she always seems to dress when she comes over, I know she’ll stop at nothing in her attempts to get him either.

  “She kinda looks like a whore, doesn’t she,” Sarah whispers, wrapping her arm around my waist.

  “Hey, you’re here,” I say, smiling up at her.

  “I am, sorry I’m late,” she says, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “Exactly what is that little tart trying to do?” she asks now, nodding towards Katie who is blatantly staring at Ben as he talks to Paul.

  “Steal my boyfriend,” I say, taking a sip of my beer.

  Sarah laughs. “Right, like that’s ever gonna happen.” I glance at her, see she’s being serious, despite her laughter. “Evie, please. Don’t tell me you feel threatened by that slut,” she says, gesturing towards her with a look of disgust on her face.

  I shrug. “No, it’s just that she’s relentless, that’s all.”

  Sarah pulls me closer. “Yeah but your boy doesn’t even notice her, so you’ve got nothing to worry about.” I rest my head on her shoulder, hoping she’s right. “Come on,” she says pulling me into the kitchen. “Let’s get you another drink.”

  When I glance at my watch next, I’m surprised to see it’s after eleven. I immediately look up, scanning the room for any sign of Ben. I can’t believe I’ve let it get this late, that I let Sarah talk me into doing all those shots.

  I grab Paul, who staggers past me. “Have you see Ben?” I ask, desperate to find him before it’s too late.

  Paul smiles at me. “Evie, Evie, happy birthday little girl,” he slurs, pulling me into a bear hug.

  I can’t help but smile as I hug him quickly. “Paul, seriously,” I say, punching him in the chest. “Have you seen Ben?”

  I pull back and watch as Paul attempts to wink at me. “He’s upstairs,” he whispers, as though this is all some big secret. “His shirt…spilled his driiinkkk…waiting for yooooouuu…” His words are all drawn out as though he’s trying to enunciate them properly. It’s having the opposite effect, but it’s funny.

  I smile as I lean in to kiss his cheek. “Thank you,” I say, knowing Paul is very drunk and probably won’t remember any of this tomorrow.

  A part of me hopes that no one will remember me disappearing either.

  I put my drink down on a side table, smiling to myself as I realise me disappearing tomorrow also means I get out of cleaning the house up. I’m not sure how Ben’s going to explain this one to his sister, although we’ve already pretended we’re heading up to London for a weekend away.

  I head upstairs, my hand griping the bannister as I realise I’m a lot drunker than I thought. When I reach the landing, I can see that Ben’s door is open, hear the, “Shit,” that comes from inside. Smiling, I walk over, wondering if he’s as drunk as I am and having trouble getting undressed.

  But when I reach the doorway and look inside, I’m suddenly completely sober. The shock of what I’m now seeing breaks through the fog of alcohol and my stomach churns at what it is.

  Ben does have his shirt off. He’s standing in the middle of his room, with his back to me and his hands on his belt as he tries to undo it. Katie Price is standing behind him. Her top is also off and I watch as she slides her arms around his waist, her hands brushing over his skin.

  “Hey, baby,” Ben says, his hand sliding over hers as he leans back to kiss her.

  That’s when he sees me.

  We both freeze and as I take in the two of them, both of them touching, I instantly think I’m going to be sick.

  “Evie, fuck,” Ben says, jumping away from her. He looks horrified, but I can’t work out if it’s because of what he’s doing or because he’s been caught. “Baby, please,” he starts to beg, grabbing his shirt and pulling it over his head.

  I turn to Katie and she smirks at me, winks as she reaches over to slide her arm around Ben’s waist. I can feel all of the alcohol trying to exit my body now and I have to take a deep breath, force it to stay put so I can get the hell out of here.

  Ben glances down as he seems to suddenly realise she’s touching him again. He shakes her off, pushing her away from him as he takes two steps towards me. I hold up my hands, not wanting him to come any closer.

  Ben freezes, but it’s the look on his face that almost destroys me.

  “I can’t believe you could do this to me,” I whisper, tears streaming down my face now. “After everything, Ben, how could you?”

  Ben stares back at me, his arms out as though he’s reaching for me. “It’s not what it looked like, Evie,” he says, his words filled with pain. “I didn’t, I thought it was…”

  I shake my head once, stopping him before he says another word. Ben stares back at me, his face covered in anguish, but I can’t believe it, can’t watch it. So I turn and walk quickly away from him, not wanting to let him know how much he’s hurt me.

  “Evie, wait,” Ben says, and I can hear him running after me. “Please, baby, it’s not what you think.”

  “Don’t,” I say, stopping and turning to face
him as I reach the top of the stairs, a sudden fury flowing through my veins, drowning the pain that’s already destroying me.

  “Baby…” he says and it breaks my heart, but I force myself to say the words.

  “Don’t call me that,” I say, my jaw clenched as I desperately try not to completely break down. “Don’t…”

  I can’t hear it. I can’t bear it. I blink once and the image comes back. The two of them, alone in his room, half dressed and her hands all over Ben’s skin. I force my eyes to open because I can’t bear to see it.

  “Evie,” Ben pleads, his face contorted in pain. I know that I’m hurting him, but I don’t care, because he has ruined me. “Please just let me explain,” he begs. “It’s not how it looked.”

  I shake my head, not wanting to hear another word. “It’s too late for that,” I tell him. “I don’t ever want to see you again,” I add on, my heart breaking as I say these words, before I turn and walk away from the man I thought was my entire life.

  “Evie, please!” I hear Ben yell. I can hear his footsteps running after me and I pick up my pace, knowing I stand no chance of outrunning him.

  “Don’t!” I yell out to him, not looking back as I run across the road, cars honking as I narrowly pass in front of them.

  “Evie, fuck, baby please be careful.”

  The care and love I hear in Ben’s voice stops me in my tracks, despite how angry I am. I turn to face him, standing on the other side of the road from me, what seems like a million cars now suddenly separating us.

  “Eva, please,” he says and I watch as his hands push through his hair, holding it off his face as he stands frustrated on the other side of the road. “We don’t have much time, baby, please just let me explain.”

  I glance down at my watch; it’s almost midnight.

  Almost my birthday.

  “It’s too late,” I tell him, even as my heart is shattering inside my chest at the idea of not seeing him again.

  “It’s never too late, Eva, I promise. I’ll wait for you, baby, please, just let me explain.”