Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  I reach out, almost on autopilot, as I take his hand, his warm grip only strengthening whatever it is that’s going on inside my body. Do I know this guy or something? He doesn’t look familiar, but he’s smiling at me as though I do.

  “Evie,” my brother says. “This is my friend, the one I’ve told you about. This is Bennett,” he says, gesturing to his friend. “And this is my sister, Evie.”

  I smile. “Nice to meet you Bennett,” I say.

  He smiles back at me as he squeezes my hand and says, “Please, call me Ben, and it’s…”

  But I don’t hear another word he says, because right in that very second, with that one single word… Ben…everything comes rushing back.

  Memories of a boy who walked me to school, of a boy who rescued my cat, and of a boy who gave me my first kiss. Memories of a man who became my best friend, a man who wanted me to be his girlfriend, who was my boyfriend. Memories of a man who did so many amazing things to my body, things that no other man had ever done before, has ever done since.

  But with all of that, comes the heartache of a man who betrayed me, who broke my heart and hurt me in ways that I never thought possible.

  But there are recent memories too. Memories of a man who waited for me, who begged me to find him. A man who told me he still loved me and is somewhere now, still waiting for me.

  But it’s not this man who’s standing in front of me.

  This is not the Ben I’ve been looking for.

  This is not my Ben and as I glance down, I suddenly realise how wrong my hand looks in his. I pull back, shoving my hands in my pockets as my brother says, “Evie, you okay, you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

  I look over at him, wishing I could explain it all and that he could somehow understand what he’s done. Half of me wants to kiss him for triggering all of my memories and the other half of me wants to punch him for daring to suggest that I should be with someone other than my Ben.

  “Evie?” he asks again, glancing at his friend, who’s staring at both of us as if he can’t work out what’s going on.

  I stand. “Nick, I’m sorry, I have to go.”

  “What, wait, Evie, what the hell’s going on here?” he asks, standing too.

  I turn to look at Ben, wishing I wasn’t doing this to him, even though I don’t even know the guy. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m really sorry.”

  Ben stares at me, his hand outstretched again as if to stop me, but I hold mine up, stopping everything before I walk around the table to my brother. Nick stares at me, speechless, as I wrap my arms around him, press up on my toes and kiss his cheek. “I wish I could explain it to you,” I tell him. “And maybe one day I will,” I add on, knowing I won’t. There’s a good chance I’ll never see him again after this, not when I find Ben. “But I have to go,” I whisper. “I’ve just remembered something.”

  Remembered everything actually.

  9th March 2000

  Twenty-four years old

  It’s been two days since I got my memories back and for two days I’ve been trying to get in contact with Ben. Last time he said he was in London. This time I’m in London, but I have no idea whether he’s still here and if he is, where he lives. We never got time for the details.

  It’s technically only been nine days since I last saw him, but with everything that’s happened, it feels more like nine hundred. As soon as I got home after I remembered, I tried ringing his station, but whoever answered said he wasn’t there and gave me his mobile number instead. At least I got that because Sarah never had a mobile number to give me. I’ve called her too and she’s happy for me. She knows I’m still in London and that I’ve seen Ben. I’ve alluded to the fact that we talked and I guess she probably assumes we’re back together. I don’t bother telling her anything different because there’s no way she will ever fully understand everything that’s happened over the last ten days. It’s better if she thinks it’s all going well.

  It helps me as I try to convince myself it will.

  But I still can’t get in contact with Ben. I’ve tried calling his mobile number, but it goes straight to voicemail. I started off calling every hour, but that rapidly descended into every thirty minutes, then every ten and finally, almost constantly. I must have left him hundreds of messages, begging him to call me, but he never has.

  I don’t know what could possibly have changed in nine days, but a part of me can’t let go of the idea that it’s something very, very bad.

  Right now, I’m sitting on my bed wrapped in a cardigan as I stare at the phone, willing him to call me back. He doesn’t. The only person who’s been calling me is Nick. I’ve spoken to him a couple of times, tried to explain why I ran off that day. I’m not sure how much he bought that I suddenly remembered I had an appointment, but what else could I say. I wish I could tell him the truth, but deep down, I know I will never explain this to Nick. How can I?

  I could call Ben’s family. I don’t want to, but at this rate, I know I’m going to have to. I’ve been putting it off, stalling in the hopes that Ben will just call me back and I can avoid it. Because I have no idea what the hell I’m going to say to them when I do call. No idea what they’re going to think of me, or worse still, whether they’re going to tell me anything anyway.

  It’s one thing to reach out to Ben after disappearing from his life; he knows the reasons why. But it’s quite another to reach out to his family, to the only real family I’ve ever had, and try to explain to them where I’ve been for the last four years. Try to make sense of all the things that I’ve done to him and the reasons why I never came back.

  “Come on, Ben,” I say to the phone. “Call me back, please.”

  But it doesn’t make any difference and the longer I sit here staring at my phone, the more I know I’m going to have to call them.

  I take a deep breath trying to steady my nerves as my fingers type in their number. I remember it now, the easy familiarity with which the numbers fall from my brain still hard for me to understand. Only two days ago, I didn’t even know these people existed. Now, I can recite their home number, address, birthdays, everything, without even thinking about it. I wish I could understand how to unlock these memories earlier. Wish I could work out how I could stop forgetting them all in the first place.

  I lift the phone to my ear, listen as the call connects and starts to ring. At the same time, my heart starts pounding in my chest and for a second, I wonder if it’s actually going to break through my ribs. The room is completely silent; the only noise is the racing of my heart and the phone in my ear.

  “Hello?”

  I exhale, relief flooding through me as I instantly recognise Rachel’s voice. “Rach, hi, it’s me,” I say, my fingers twisting in the duvet.

  “Who is this?” she asks and I feel my heart sink. She’s forgotten me? Has something gone wrong and she’s forgotten who I am? This has never happened before.

  I take another deep breath, trying to bury my frustrations. “It’s me,” I say into the phone. “Evie.”

  “Evie?” she asks and I can hear the shock in her voice.

  “Yeah,” I say loosening my death grip on the phone before it cracks in half. “I’m trying to get hold of Ben,” I tell her. “His phone keeps going to voicemail and I wonder if you knew why, if something…”

  “You have some nerve calling here after what you did to him,” Rachel says, interrupting me. Her voice is laced with anger and it fills me with dread. Words run through my head, a silent plea for her to listen, to understand. I’m so close to finding Ben, please don’t let something like this stop me.

  Please just understand Rachel, I never meant to hurt him; it’s not what you think.

  But before I can voice any of these things, she continues, “Why don’t you just piss off and leave him alone, give him a chance to get over you.”

  “Rachel, please…” I plead with her, knowing she has every right to be angry with me, especially when I’ve been missing from Ben’s life for so lon
g. “Just tell me where he is, please, just let me know he’s okay.”

  “He’s better off without you,” is all she says, before hanging up on me.

  As the click of her disconnection sounds in my ear, I throw my mobile phone across the room. It doesn’t even hit anything, just lands on the floor with a pathetic bump.

  “Fuck!” I scream to the empty room. Where the hell is Ben, why isn’t he answering his phone? And why won’t his sister tell me anything?

  I stomp towards my phone, picking it up and trying Ben’s number one more time. Straight to voice mail. “Shit,” I say, frustrated. Who the fuck can I call now?

  Suddenly, I have a thought. Paul. I’ll call Paul. He’ll know where Ben is, why he isn’t answering his phone. Swallowing the fear that accompanies that thought, not wanting to face it just yet, I quickly dig out my laptop so I can log on to the telephone directory. I have no idea what Paul’s number is and right now I’m hoping his family still live in Fleet so I can look them up.

  Once I’ve found their name and address, I punch in the numbers and wait for someone to pick up.

  “Hello?” a lady’s voice says. “Tanner residence.”

  I exhale in relief, knowing this must be Paul’s mum. “Mrs Tanner, hi.” I blurt out. “It’s Evie, a friend of Paul’s from ages ago.” I have no idea whether she remembers me, whether she’ll know what happened four years ago, whether she’ll even want to speak to me.

  “Oh, Evie, so lovely to hear from you, it’s been forever,” she says and I silently agree while saying a quiet thank you that maybe this time I’ll have some luck.

  “I know, it has,” I blurt out before rushing on. “Listen, I’m trying to get hold of Paul, but I’m not sure how to reach him,” I continue, knowing I’m being incredibly rude by not asking how she is first. “Do you happen to have a number I can reach him on?”

  “Yes,” she says and I can hear her shuffling around as though she’s looking for something. “How are you, Evie?” she adds on and I have to take a deep breath just to calm down so I don’t snap at her.

  “I’m okay, thanks, Mrs Tanner. How are you?”

  “Oh good, good,” she says and I can hear the smile in her voice.

  Please don’t ask me where I’ve been. Please.

  “Okay, I have the station number,” she says now. “And a mobile somewhere, although I don’t like to call that one too often, too many…”

  “Station number is fine,” I say quickly, cutting her off.

  I grab a pen as she reads out the numbers for Vauxhall Fire Station to me, scribbling the name and number on my forearm. At least Paul’s in London. And if he’s here, then there’s a good chance Ben is still here. It’s only been nine days.

  My heart starts to race now at the possibility that I might see him again, soon. Today maybe.

  “Is there anything else, dear?” she asks now, breaking my train of thought.

  “Um, no, that’s it. Thanks,” I say, desperate to get off the phone so I can call Paul.

  “Okay, well you take care, Evie,” Paul’s mum says to me. “I hope we see you soon.”

  Her words hit me hard in the chest as I realise Ben isn’t the only person who’s life I disappear from. He and Paul were always such good friends, ever since they were kids. And Paul was always so kind to me, never questioning why I always tagged along with them, never teasing me about how much I hung off Ben’s every word. I’d liked it when he’d brought Lily into the group too, our slightly awkward threesome changing into two couples. It was relaxed, fun and we had some great times together. I hope we can have some of those great times together again.

  “Me too, Mrs Tanner,” I say quietly. “And thank you.”

  As soon as I hang up, I jump off the bed and start pacing, overcome by a shot of adrenaline as I rapidly punch in the numbers for Vauxhall Station. As the phone starts to ring, I’m silently begging that Paul answers the phone. I should have gotten his mobile number, just in case. At least I know I can always call his mum back if I need to.

  “Vauxhall Station, Paul Tanner speaking,” comes the voice that is once again so familiar.

  “Oh Paul, thank god,” I say, breathing out a sigh of relief.

  “Evie?” he asks, surprised.

  I smile, grateful he hasn’t just remembered me, but that he’s also recognised me. “Yeah hi, Paul, it’s me. Look I’m trying to get hold of Ben but his phone goes straight to voicemail. I just rang his house but his sister won’t tell me anything, hung on up on me. I don’t know where he is, do you know, is he still at Ealing station?” My words are a rush, spilling from my mouth without me even thinking about what I’m saying, or how rude I sound, or even to give Paul a chance to say anything. I’m so desperate for something, anything, just to know Ben is alright.

  “Evie, where the hell have you been?” Paul asks, but there’s no malice in his voice as he says it.

  I exhale, trying to catch my breath. God I wish we’d told Paul about me, back when we were kids. We came so close, so many times and it would have made all of this so much easier. Just to have someone else know what we went through, know what Ben went through all the times I wasn’t here. All the times I couldn’t remember him.

  Just to have someone know I hadn’t left him now.

  “Paul, I’m sorry, really. I know I’m being rude and I can explain, I promise. But please, just tell me where Ben is, I really need to see him,” I plead.

  I hear Paul take a deep breath and in that second, the feeling of dread that I’ve had ever since I’ve been trying to reach Ben, intensifies. Suddenly, my biggest fear starts to become a reality as it hits me that I was right; something really bad has happened.

  “Evie, listen,” he says. I can hear the sounds of others in the station, laughing and talking in the background as though everything is perfectly normal when I know, deep in my heart, that it isn’t. I try to picture Ben, as though he’s there with them at work, laughing with the boys. As though that will somehow make everything okay. But then Paul continues. “Something’s happened, I…well, hang on, just let me move somewhere quieter.”

  I feel myself sliding down the wall until I hit the floor as I listen to Paul walk, the sounds of the station fading into the background. Shit, it’s happened, it’s really happened. My worst fear has come true and now I’m too late and I’ve lost Ben. And after all this time, after what I did to him. God, I never even got a chance to properly apologise.

  Never got the chance to tell him how very sorry I am.

  “Are you still there?” Paul asks, all of the other noise now gone.

  “Yes,” I whisper, not sure if he even hears me.

  “Okay look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but you should know, he missed you, a hell of a lot, Evie. He always talked about you, hoped you’d come back from wherever you’d gone. He was a miserable bastard for a lot of the time, but he never gave up on you, not once.”

  Why is Paul talking in the past tense?

  I’m not sure I can sit here and listen to this anymore. If I don’t hear it, then it never happened. And if it never happened, then I might still find Ben. I might still be able to find my Ben.

  “It happened only a couple of days ago,” he says, his words barely getting through the loud noise that’s now filling my head. It’s like a rush of wind, a dark storm that is taking place between my ears and drowning out everything else.

  “His station got called to a fire in an abandoned old warehouse. It was pretty bad, already out of control when they arrived. Everything was going fine until he noticed some people in the upstairs window, calling for help. Squatters of course, they were lucky they were even conscious and noticed the fire in the first place.”

  There is a loud hammering in my chest now and it takes me a second to realise it’s my heart. It’s pounding, breaking through my ribs as I try to picture the scene, try not to think about what Paul’s going to tell me next. The memory of a fire from another life, nine years ago, flashes before me an
d I don’t want to think about Ben walking into something like that.

  “Of course Ben was the first to notice them, and so the first to go inside. They were up on the second floor, Evie. The warehouse, it was really old and should have been boarded up.”

  “Just tell me how it happened?” I finally ask, needing to know. Hoping it was quick.

  Paul takes another deep breath. “His team went in with him, followed him up the stairs and towards to the room the squatters were in. But apparently it just gave way beneath him, Evie, one minute he was there and the next he wasn’t.”

  “What?” I ask, tears streaming down my face as I struggle to understand what Paul is telling me.

  “The floor, it just gave way. Probably rotten to begin with and the fire, well the fire certainly didn’t help.”

  My hand goes to my mouth now, trying to silence the sobs that I can no longer control. Ben; my Ben. I can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe I won’t ever see him again. Can’t believe I won’t touch him or kiss him ever again.

  Oh god, please…

  “Evie, are you okay?” Paul finally asks, or maybe repeats, I don’t know. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here crying while he sits on the other end of the phone just waiting. I don’t even know what I’ve been saying to him.

  “Was it quick?” I finally breathe out, hoping that if nothing else, Ben didn’t suffer.

  “Oh Evie, I’m sorry, I thought you knew,” Paul says in a rush. “Ben’s alive, he survived the fall.”

  “He did?” I ask, sitting bolt upright now as I realise that Ben hasn’t been taken away from me.

  “He did,” Paul confirms.

  “So where is he, why can’t I get hold of him?”

  I hear Paul take another deep breath and all of a sudden, a paralysing fear washes over me as I start to realise, this is the bad part of the story. This is what’s going to hurt the most. Everything before this was nothing, and it’s only now, with these next words, that Paul is going to destroy me.

  “He’s in St Thomas,” Paul says now.