Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  Rachel doesn’t say anything and we stand here staring at each other. I have no idea what she’s thinking or whether she can ever possibly understand, much less forgive me for it. With Ben it’s always been different because he knows so much more than anyone else does.

  “I wish…” I say, unable to get the words out. “I just wish I could…”

  “You idiot,” she suddenly says, pulling me into her arms. “You are such an idiot.”

  I nearly spill the tea as Rachel hugs me, the magazines all falling to the floor. “I’m so sorry, Rach,” I say, one arm wrapping awkwardly around her waist as my eyes close. “You have no idea how much I wish I could change the last four years.”

  Rachel pulls back, smiling at me as she says, “I know you do, okay. And you should know, I haven’t seen him,” she adds, gesturing to Ben’s room behind her, “this happy since, well, since you were last around.”

  I smile at her, hoping her words are true. “Really?”

  Rach leans in and kisses my cheek before picking up the magazines and tucking them into my arm. “Really, Evie. So make sure you stick around this time, okay? He’s pretty much been unbearable since you left.” The laugh falls from my mouth without me even realising and Rachel smiles. “He was you know. He’s been a right fucking grump actually. None of us wanted to be around him.”

  “God, I’ve missed you, Rach,” I say, pulling her in for another hug.

  “Me too, Evie, me too,” she says. “Now go and see mister cranky pants in there and get him smiling again.”

  We hug once more and then Rachel leaves and I’m taking a deep breath before I plaster a smile on my face and walk into Ben’s room.

  “So I got you tea, magazines and some more CDs,” I say, walking over to the bed. Ben is watching me, a concerned look on his face as I put all of the things I’ve brought him on the table beside the bed. “What?” I ask.

  He gives me a half smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Did you see Rachel just now?”

  “Yeah,” I say, taking a seat beside his bed.

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  Ben exhales. “Did you talk to her?”

  I smile. “We talked.”

  “Really?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I mean she doesn’t know the full story obviously, but I explained things as much as I could.” I don’t elaborate on everything we talked about. The thought of telling Ben that Rachel asked if we were together again makes me nervous. I still don’t exactly know what we are and I have no idea if Ben even wants us to be together right now, despite all the things he’s said to me.

  Ben reaches out and grabs my hand, lifting it to his mouth for a kiss before glancing up at me. “She knows you spend every day here, you know. She asked me if we were really back together,” he says, my fingers still against his lips as he somehow reads my mind. It’s hardly surprising, Ben has always been able to see through me, see exactly what I was thinking or feeling. “She wanted to know if I was taking you back after everything that happened.”

  My heart stops in my chest, as I force myself to hold his stare. I’m sure my hand would be shaking if it wasn’t in his and pressed against his warm, soft lips. “What did you tell her?” I whisper, afraid of his answer. This is the first time we’ve actually said these words out loud.

  Ben lifts his other hand and gestures me closer with his finger. As I lean over, that hand slides onto my cheek, cupping my face and pulling me even closer. “Baby,” he whispers, his eyes holding mine. “I never let you go, okay. You’re the one who ran away from me, but I was always here, just waiting for you to find me again. In my mind, we never broke up in the first place.”

  My eyes close at Ben’s words and I can feel the tears starting to well. He’s right, I did run away. I ran away and I never gave him a chance to explain about that night. I have no idea how he could even think we could still be together though.

  “I…I’m…” I start, not even sure where to begin with my apology.

  But Ben doesn’t give me a chance, the hand on my cheek pulling me even closer. I feel his lips against my ear, hear his whispered words as he says, “Eva, nothing happened with her that night, I promise. What you saw, it was a mistake, a fucked up situation that I only realised was happening after it was too late.”

  I feel Ben’s thumb as it brushes away the tears I know are now falling. I can’t bring myself to open to my eyes because I don’t want to see all of the pain that I know will be reflected in Ben’s. The pain at what happened and the pain at what I did to him for the last four years.

  “I was drunk, baby,” he continues, lifting our joined hands to rest on his chest. His heart beats steadily beneath them and I know he’s telling me the truth. “I spilt my drink all over me. I went upstairs to change my shirt and look for you. When I saw the time, I knew you’d be up soon. The last hour together remember?” he whispers.

  I don’t move, frozen as he tells me all of this. I don’t want to even breathe; I’m so afraid of breaking this moment.

  “Evie?” he says, pulling me down so I’m sitting on his bed now and my head is buried in his shoulder.

  “Yes,” I breathe out, my words lost in the warmth of his skin, which smells so much like home, it hurts. So many memories flash through my brain, memories I found only five days ago, but which feel like they never left me at all. How can this, how can everything about this man, still be so familiar? How is it, I possibly forget him in the first place?

  “I didn’t see her come in, baby, I only felt her hands on me,” he says and I hear his voice catch, as though the idea makes him feel sick. “I thought it was you, I was so fucking stupid, but I was drunk and I knew we had that last hour together and I thought it was you… God, baby, I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry…”

  He trails off and I think we are both crying now. I’m lying on his chest, our hands trapped between us and my face is buried in his shoulder. Ben’s other hand slides into my hair, to the back of my head and he holds me against him, as though he never wants to let me go.

  “I’m so fucking sorry, Evie,” he whispers. “Can you ever forgive me?”

  I lift my head, forcing myself to meet his stare. His eyes are shiny and bluer than I ever remember them being. “Forgive you?” I ask. Ben swallows hard as he nods and I don’t know how he can possibly understand what he’s asking. Or just how wrong he’s got it. I don’t even know how to explain it to him.

  Instead, I crush my mouth against his in a hard kiss that is four years worth of kisses. It all pours out at once, all of the anger and hurt and pain, wrapped up in a kiss that tries desperately to erase it all.

  Ben’s fingers tighten at the back of my head and I still don’t think he understands. “Ben…” I force the word out, needing him to listen. “Ben…”

  He pushes me back, his thumb running across my bottom lip, which feels bruised from our kiss. “Can you ever forgive me?” he whispers again.

  I shake my head, a sob catching in my throat as I say, “I’m wondering if you can ever forgive me?”

  I see the shock on his face, his confusion at my words. “What?”

  “Me, Ben, can you ever forgive me for what I did to you, for staying away for so long?”

  “Baby,” he breathes out, pulling me back towards him. His lips touch mine again, but this time it’s softer, gentler. It’s a kiss that says I’m sorry and I forgive you and please forgive me, all at the same time.

  We eventually pull back, both of us breathless. My face is streaked with tears and although something has lifted, I know it’s going to be a long time before I believe that any of this is okay.

  “You okay?” Ben asks, his thumbs brushing the last of my tears away.

  I shrug. “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Do you believe me?” he asks, uncertainty in his voice. “About what happened that night?”

  I stare down at him, at the blue eyes that look back at me. I know he’s telling me the truth, that that night was just a hug
e misunderstanding, a mistake we have both paid the price for. “I believe you, Ben.”

  “Really?” he asks and I know he needs me to believe him, that for him, the last four years have been just as painful, only for different reasons.

  I smile as I lean in and kiss him again. “Really, I promise.”

  “I’m forgiven?” he whispers at the same time as I whisper, “Am I forgiven?”

  Ben smiles. “Yes.”

  I smile back and touch my lips to his as I breathe out, “Yes.”

  I feel his smile against my mouth now as he kisses me once before saying, “Good, because I’ve never stopped loving you, Evie.”

  And with those words, I finally exhale and let go of all of the hurt and loneliness and pain that I’ve been carrying around for the last four years.

  “I love you too, Ben.”

  5th June 2000

  Twenty-four years old

  “So the good news is, we’ve managed to avoid surgery, Ben,” the doctor says. “The swelling has subsided and the fracture appears to be healing on its own. We’d like to keep you in a brace for a couple more weeks, but I think overall, your prognosis is very good.”

  I’m watching Ben’s face as the doctor tells him all of this. It’s been eleven weeks since we lost each other, ten weeks since his fall and nine weeks since I found him again. By all accounts, his recovery has been nothing short of miraculous. But, we are still a long way off.

  “What about the paralysis?” I ask, turning to face the doctor, my hand squeezing Ben’s as if to reassure him when really, it’s me who needs it. Ben’s attitude to the whole thing has been amazing. It’s like he knows, without a doubt, that not only will he walk again, but he’ll also be going back to work soon too. The last part I’m not so sure about, but I keep that to myself for now, just wanting to get Ben back on his feet first.

  The doctor smiles at both of us. “Ben’s strength and sensation grows everyday. Once we have the brace off, we’ll get him started on some intense rehab, both strengthening exercises and physical movement. I’m confident that by the end of the year, Ben will be up and walking, without assistance.”

  “You are?” I ask, needing to know for sure.

  The doctor’s smile widens now. “Evie, Ben has been very lucky, there’s no doubt. Despite what you think, his injury was relatively minor considering the distance he fell and the time it took to reach him. And while I know his recovery has seemed slow, he’s really making excellent progress. You should be very proud of him.”

  I nod. “I am, Doctor, really.”

  “Good,” the doctor says, signing something off on Ben’s chart. “So, the ortho people will be in sometime soon to get you fitted and once we have that in place, we might think about sending you home.”

  “Thanks, Doc,” Ben finally says, tugging on my hand, to get my attention.

  The doctor leaves and when I turn to Ben, I see he’s smiling up at me. “I told you it would be okay, baby,” he says, tugging harder, so I’m pulled towards him, half lying on the bed.

  “Yeah, you did,” I whisper, kissing him.

  “Ugh, I see you two are back at it again,” Rachel says as she walks into the room.

  I smile as I stand up from the bed, walking around to hug Ben’s sister. She and I are in a lot better place now.

  “Hey, Rachel,” I whisper, kissing her cheek as I pull back.

  She smiles at me as she says, “Hey, Evie. You know I don’t really mind, don’t you?” I nod, smiling at her. “It’s good to see you two back together, and it’s really good to see this one so happy again,” she says, nodding towards her brother. “I’m glad it all worked out.”

  And I know she is. Like Ben, she has forgiven me for what I did, not just to him, but to their whole family.

  “Me too,” I tell her, pulling her towards the chairs beside Ben’s bed.

  “So any decision on when the invalid can go home?”

  Ben laughs as I smack her on the shoulder. “Soon,” he says, smiling at her. “And thank god for that.”

  “What’s going to happen next then?” she asks. “I mean, where are you going to live? Are you going back to work?”

  Ben glances at me and I smile, trying to reassure him that I’m okay with this, that I know he needs to go back, no matter how scared that makes me. Ben isn’t a man who’s built to lie in bed all day or spend it tied behind a desk. He loves his job, it’s all he’s ever wanted to do and I know I can’t be the one to stop him doing it, no matter how much I worry about what might happen next.

  “Evie’s flat,” Ben says, smiling. “And work, yes, eventually. Need to have rehab for a while first, but eventually, yes.”

  “This is good news, right?” Rachel says, smiling at her brother.

  “It is,” I nod. “It’s really good news.”

  “Well,” Ben says, his eyes sparkling with mischief now, “I am gonna miss those sponge baths of yours, baby.”

  “Ben!” I say, smacking his shoulder.

  “What?” he asks, laughing.

  “That’s what you’re thinking about right now?” I say, leaning in and kissing the end of his nose.

  “Baby, I can’t help it,” Ben says, shifting so he’s kissing my mouth now. “We have a lot of time to make up for.”

  I hear Rachel groan and I laugh. But as I lean in to kiss him again, I also can’t help but think about what Ben just said.

  We have a lot of time to make up for.

  He’s right, we do.

  And I’m not going to miss a single second of it.

  12th March 2001

  Twenty-five years old

  “We need to find somewhere else to live,” I say, squeezing between the tiny dining table and the treadmill and weights Ben needs, all of which takes up most of the space in my tiny flat in Brixton. I’ve just come back from taking Ben’s parents to the station. They visit us at least once a week, Suzanne often bringing meals so that I don’t have to worry about cooking after I’ve spent all day at work.

  They’ve been incredibly good to us. Helping get Ben sorted with doctor’s appointments when I can’t get off work, letting him come and live with me rather than go back home to Fleet. They’ve also been good about not asking too many questions about me, or where the hell I’ve been all this time. I have no idea what Ben has said to them, how he’s explained my absence and while I know the questions must be coming, right now I’m grateful for their silence.

  It helps that all of us have been distracted by trying to get Ben back on his feet. He’s been amazing though, following all the doctor’s orders and showing up for his physical therapy every day, doing even more of it when he comes home. I’ve been trying to get him to take it easy, but Ben just smiles at me and says, “Babe, I’m good, really. And besides, I need to get my strength back.” When he says this, he winks at me and I know he’s not just talking about his strength for walking. We haven’t had many opportunities to be together since this all happened. I don’t want to push things when I know he’s in pain from a therapy session or just exhausted from it all. Ben thinks differently of course, but I know it frustrates him, how limited he is with his movement. I keep telling him not to worry about it, that we have plenty of time.

  And we do, we have three more years and really, Ben is making an amazing recovery. I think even the doctors have been surprised at just how fast it’s been. It gives me hope that soon, he won’t need any of this stuff at all, that soon he’ll be back to the Ben I remember.

  Ben walks towards me, using his cane. “Eva,” he says and the tone of his voice stops me in my tracks.

  “What?”

  I watch as Ben takes a deep breath and looks right at me. “There’s someone here to see you.”

  “Who?” I ask, glancing at the couch tucked into the corner of my flat. Shit.

  “Hey, Evie,” Nick says standing and walking towards me. He looks absolutely awful, his face drawn as he leans in and kisses my cheek before pulling me into a tight hug. I glance at Ben
over his shoulder wondering if he understands who this guy is. I’ve told him about my brother and he knows I still see him, but they’ve never actually met yet.

  “I wasn’t expecting you,” I say, stepping back. I look over at Ben, who is standing by the kitchen watching us. “Nick, this is Ben,” I say, gesturing towards him. “Ben, this is my brother, Nick.” I’m sure they’ve already worked all this out before I got home.

  Nick tries to smile as he says, “Yeah, we’ve worked that part out.” Ben smiles sadly back at him and then the two of them turn and face me, frozen to the spot by the front door.

  As I stare back at them, I’m trying to work out how to even begin explaining things. I see Nick about once a week, we apparently had a regular lunch date every Thursday and I’ve kept to that ever since Ben was able to come home from the hospital.

  Even though I’d run off on Nick that day when all my memories came back, I couldn’t just ignore him. My brother and I were, and are, very close. It wasn’t fair of me to shut him out just because he didn’t understand what was going on. I’ve apologised about what happened with his friend that day too. He was pretty good about the whole thing. Turns out, he wasn’t so much pissed at me for running off, but more so for staying away, for not telling him about Ben.

  I tried to explain, as best I could, but of course there’s only so much I can tell him. He eventually found out I was seeing someone and he knows all about Ben now. He’s happy for me, even if he’s never met him until today and doesn’t know the full story.

  “It is nice to finally meet him,” Nick says, still trying for a smile. It doesn’t work, but I get the feeling that whatever is going on with Nick right now, has nothing to do with meeting Ben.

  I glance at Ben again and he gives me a half smile, shifting on his cane as he watches us. It wakes me up and I walk over and pull him towards the couches, sitting on the coffee table in front of both of them.