Losing Me Finding You

by Natalie Ward

  I’m smiling so hard at Ben’s words, at his promises to me, that when he finishes, I don’t even think about it, I just lean in and kiss him.

  “Evie,” the celebrant says. “Do you maybe want to say your vows first?” she asks.

  I pull back, smiling as I bite my bottom lip. Ben laughs, raising his eyebrow as he grins down at me. I know he doesn’t care that we’re not following protocol here. Neither of us does. Today is a day for celebrating who we are, and nothing says Evie and Ben like making the most of every opportunity.

  “Yes,” I say, turning to smile at her.

  “Well,” she says, laughing at us. “Your turn.”

  I turn back to face Ben, squeeze his hands before I start. “Ben, I fell in love with you when I was five years old. You are my best friend, the one person I love most in this world. The one person I never want to lose. No matter what happens, no matter how lost we ever feel, just know, I will always be only yours and we will always find our way back to each other. I promise to love you, to protect you, to always look after you and…” I pause, biting my lip before continuing, “To have lots and lots of sex with you.” Ben’s smile gets wider and I hear all of our guests laughing again. I take a deep breath before finishing, “For the rest of my life. I love you, Ben. Always.”

  When I finish, Ben doesn’t even hesitate before pulling me into his arms and kissing me. It’s only when the celebrant coughs, that we finally realise we still aren’t up to this part yet.

  “Rings,” she stage whispers, making everyone laugh again.

  Ben and I smile as we quickly exchange rings before turning to look at our celebrant. She’s smiling at us as she finally says, “Well, by the power granted to me by the City of London, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Ben,” she says, pausing to wink at both of us. “You may now kiss your wife.”

  “Thank god,” Ben murmurs as he takes a step towards me.

  Smiling, I wrap my arms around his neck. But before I can kiss him, Ben’s arms are around my waist, my feet are off the ground and Ben’s smiling face is looking up at me as he holds me in his arms. “You’re stuck with me now, baby,” he says, his eyes sparkling.

  I smile. “Shut up and kiss me, tough guy,” I whisper, knowing there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

  And as Ben’s lips crash against mine, binding us together, somewhere in the background, I hear the sound of our family and friends, clapping and cheering.

  “To the happy couple,” Paul eventually says, raising his glass as trays of champagne are passed around. “Mr and Mrs Foster.”

  I smile against Ben’s lips, our arms still wrapped around each other as we celebrate finally being married.

  “Wait,” Rachel suddenly says. “You are taking his name right, I mean…well, are you?”

  I smile as I face my new sister. “Yeah, Rach, I am,” I say to her. “That’s one tradition I am sticking with.”

  And I am, because it’s the only one that really matters to me. Not just the part about being married to Ben and him being mine, it’s the tradition that’s finally given me a name, a permanent name that I can always come back to. Now I will finally always be one Evie, the same Evie, every single time.

  “My Evie,” Ben whispers in my ear, reading my mind.

  I turn back to him. “My Ben.”

  “Baby, hold up,” Ben says as I slide the keycard into the door of the hotel room we’re staying in tonight. Ben’s parents have given us a honeymoon in the south of France. A week in a villa all to ourselves and we leave on the Eurostar tomorrow morning.

  I turn to face him, smiling as I ask, “What?”

  Ben smiles at me as he says, “Come on, you think I’m not carrying you across that threshold?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, I’m kinda hoping you are,” I say, pushing up on my toes to kiss him.

  “Come here, Evie Foster,” he says, wrapping his arms around my waist as he picks me up and slings me over his shoulder. “My gorgeous little wife.”

  I laugh as I slap Ben on the arse. “Get me inside, sexy husband, you’re supposed to be ripping this dress off me, remember?”

  I actually hear Ben growl as he pushes the door open, carries me into the room and then kicks the door shut with his foot. He slides me down his body, his arms still around my waist as he holds me against him. “You look so beautiful today, Evie,” he says, suddenly quiet. “So beautiful.”

  I smile up at him, my hand resting against his heart. “Thank you,” I whisper before I push up on my toes and press my lips against his. Ben kisses me softly, slowly, his tongue gently parting my lips. I feel his hands at the small of my back, pulling me against him, pulling me as close to him as possible. My heart is pounding in my chest, just like it always does every time Ben kisses me and I hear the moan that falls between us.

  “Ben,” I breathe. “Get me out of this dress.”

  I feel his smile against my lips before he pulls back. “Oh I will, Evie, don’t you worry about that,” he says, kissing the end of my nose. “But first, I have something for you.”

  “What?” I ask confused. Ben and I agreed no gifts, from our guests, or each other. “I thought we…”

  “I know, baby,” he says, one hand letting go of me as his fingers brush down my cheek. “It’s only something little, don’t worry.”

  I watch as his hand now goes to his jacket pocket, the flash of his new wedding ring making my heart flip, before he pulls out a small box and holds it between us. I glance down at it, my heart pounding as a familiar feeling starts to grow.

  “Ben,” I whisper, amazed that he’s even remembered this.

  “Open it, Evie,” he whispers back.

  I reach for the box, my hands shaking a little even though I know exactly what it’s going to be. But when my fingers pull off the silver ribbon and open the lid and I glance inside, all of a sudden my breath catches and my heart pounds harder than ever.

  “Ben,” I whisper again, looking up at him.

  “Can I put it on you?” he asks and I’m nodding before he’s even finished. Ben takes the box from my hands and I turn, holding my hair so he can fasten the clasp of the necklace. When he has, he spins me around with his hands on my shoulders so that we are once again facing each other. My fingers go to the silver chain, to the tiny silver letters hanging from it. Now, instead of just a solitary ‘e’, hangs an ‘e&b’. Both of our initials, together, and it’s more perfect than I could ever possibly imagine.

  “Do you like it?” he asks, his hands sliding down my arms as he pulls me closer.

  “I love it, Ben. I always wished I still had the other one you gave me,” I breathe out, pressing up to kiss him again. “I can’t believe you remembered this.”

  Ben smiles as he stares down at me, his fingers gently tracing the chain that now hangs around my neck, sending shivers down my spine. “I remember all of us, baby,” he whispers.

  I stare back at him, wishing more than anything that I never forgot us, not even for one second. And as though Ben can read my mind, he distracts me by leaning in and kissing me as he says, “Now, about this dress.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Getting me out of it you mean?” I ask, smiling against his mouth.

  “Oh yeah,” he says, his fingers slowly lowering the zip at my back. “I’m definitely taking it off you now, baby.”

  28th February 2008

  Thirty-one years old

  “I can’t believe I have to fucking work tonight,” Ben says, stomping around the bedroom as he throws clothes into his overnight bag.

  I can’t believe he does either. “I know,” I say, trying not to let him know I’m disappointed too. “I know it’s out of your control.”

  “It’s fucking bullshit is what it is,” Ben says, coming to sit beside me on the bed. “I’m supposed to spend this night with you.”

  I smile at him, leaning in to kiss him as my fingers smooth down the front of his t-shirt, tracing the hard muscle hidden underneath. “I know,” I whisper. “We can tal
k on the phone though,” I suggest.

  Ben’s hand slides into my hair, holding my lips against his. “I don’t want to just talk on the phone with you, baby,” he says. “I want to be with you.”

  I groan at Ben’s words, my fingers lifting his shirt now, desperately. Ben’s hands are on my tank top, yanking it over my head as he pushes me back onto the bed and pulls my underwear off. I slide up the bed, watch as Ben strips off the rest of his clothes and climbs up my body.

  “Maybe you won’t go,” he says quietly before he pushes inside me.

  I groan as my eyes close and I hope that I don’t.

  “You’ll be careful tonight?” I ask, kissing Ben as he stands in the doorway.

  “Always, baby, I promise,” he answers, kissing me back. “Promise me you’ll be careful too.”

  I nod as I take in his words. When he comes home tomorrow morning, I will be gone and he’ll have no idea where I am. Worse though, not only won’t I remember him, I’ll have no idea he even exists.

  “I’ll call you later,” he says, kissing me again and then he’s gone and soon I will be too.

  After Ben leaves, I take a shower and spend an hour or two working on my book. As usual, all I manage to write is random bits and pieces, having no idea where they’ll fit and feeling like I’m getting nowhere with a story I’m not even sure works, despite what Ben thinks.

  The phone rings around nine and I smile, knowing exactly who it’s going to be. “Hello?” I say.

  “Hey, baby,” comes Ben’s warm voice through the phone. “What are you doing?”

  I smile. “Missing you.”

  I hear Ben’s quiet laugh. “Well, how’d you like to come visit me then?”

  “Really?” I ask, jumping off the kitchen bench.

  “Really,” Ben answers. “It’s a quiet night, fuck knows why I’m here in the first place. But seeing as I have to be, why don’t you be here with me?”

  “I’d like that,” I say, smiling as I race into the bedroom to pull on some jeans and shoes.

  “I’ll start walking towards you,” Ben says. “Take your phone, baby.”

  “I will, I’ll see you in a sec,” I say, grabbing my jacket, scarf and beanie before I switch the home phone for my mobile, grab the keys and head out the door.

  Ben’s station is only a five minute walk from our flat and although it’s relatively safe, Ben always walks to the end of the street so he can watch me whenever I come to see him. By the time I round the corner, I see him waiting for me and pick up the pace. He’s standing under the street lamp in his black work pants and jumper, the station logo on his chest and a huge grin on his face as he watches me practically run to him now.

  “Hey, baby,” he says as I throw myself into his arms, my legs wrapping around his waist as my arms wrap around his neck. “Miss me?”

  “Always,” I answer, pressing kisses all over his face.

  Ben’s mouth finds mine and we lose ourselves in each other, kissing passionately as if we’re alone in our bedroom and not in the middle of the street. It’s not until I hear a bunch of whistling and cat-calls that I realise, not only are we in full view of the station, but also all of Ben’s work mates. Groaning, I duck my head into Ben’s neck as he starts laughing and lowers me to the ground.

  “The guys are gonna love that,” he whispers in my ear, grabbing my hand as we turn and walk towards the station. I can barely look at anyone as the guys continue yelling all sorts of comments at us. I’m practically dying of embarrassment, but Ben is just laughing it off. “Don’t worry, babe,” he says as we walk through the huge open door to the garage and head towards the stairs that lead up to the common and sleeping areas. “These clowns are just jealous.”

  I glance up and can see them all laughing and smiling at us as I clutch Ben’s hand, half burying my face in his arm.

  “Hey, Evie,” they all call out to me, laughing and whistling.

  “Hey, guys,” I answer. I’m sure my face is as red as their fire trucks right now.

  Ben takes me into the room they all relax in where several old but comfortable looking couches surround a coffee table, which has the remnants of a card game on it.

  “Want a drink, babe?” Ben asks, opening the fridge that sits in the kitchenette in the corner.

  “Sure,” I answer smiling and taking a seat on the couch as the rest of the guys file in and join me.

  “So, Evie,” Paul asks, a huge grin still on his face. “You wanna play poker with us?”

  I glance over at Ben who shrugs his shoulders as if to say whether we play cards or not is my call. After my very public display of affection when I got here, I feel like the last thing we should be doing is disappearing somewhere together, so I smile at Paul and say, “Sure, deal me in if you’re prepared to lose all your money.”

  “Ohhhh,” comes the cry from the rest of the guys.

  “Look who’s big talking herself now,” a guy called Rob, who only moved here last month, says.

  Paul is laughing as he gathers up the cards and starts to shuffle them. “Yeah, but does she have the goods to back it up?” he asks.

  I’m smiling at all of them, loving that Ben works with such a nice bunch of guys. Having stuck around for eight years this time, I’ve actually had more of a chance to get to know them and it saddens me that come tomorrow, I won’t remember any of them. At least when I find Ben, they’ll all still be here and will remember me.

  “Oh she’s got it alright,” Ben says as he sits beside me and hands me a Coke.

  This only fires the guys up all over again and as I turn to look at Ben, shaking my head at him, he just winks and says, “What?” as though he has no idea what he’s doing.

  I smack him on the leg and Ben starts laughing as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me against him for a deep kiss, which of course only fuels the whole thing even further.

  Eventually I push him away and watch as Paul deals the cards and the guys explain their complicated system of betting, which isn’t like standard poker. I’m not too worried about it, borrowing Ben’s money as I discard two of my cards and throw in some more to up my bet. After a couple of rounds of okay poker, where I don’t lose, but don’t exactly smash them, I finally score myself three of a kind. When the next two dealt to me give me a full house, I’m confident this hand is going to show these boys I’m not just all talk.

  “Come on then, Evie, show us what you’ve got?” Simon, the rookie says suggestively after the bets go around the table a few times, all of us upping it so the pot is looking very healthy.

  “Hey, watch it you,” Ben says, his voice serious even though I know he’s only teasing the kid.

  “Sorry, Sir,” comes Simon’s reply. All of us, Ben included, start laughing.

  I watch as Simon turns as red as I imagine I was when I first walked in here and I smile at him, which only makes him go redder.

  The bets max out and I’m the first to show my cards. “Read them and weep boys,” I say, smiling as I lay down my three kings and two nines.

  “Fuck,” a couple of them say, throwing their cards in, Simon and Ben included.

  I look up at Paul, who’s smiling at me across the table. “Think it’s enough, Evie?” he asks, laying an ace down on the table.

  I smile back at him, raising an eyebrow as I nod. “Yep,”

  “Not bluffing?” he asks.

  I feel Ben lean back on the couch, his fingers sliding across the bare skin between my jumper and jeans. I slide my hand onto his thigh as I keep my eyes on Paul. “You are that’s for sure.”

  Paul’s smile gets bigger as he lays another ace down. “Sure about that?”

  I’m laughing now, having no clue how this is going to go. “Very sure,” I say, not letting him know this.

  I watch as Paul places down his third card, which is another ace and then his fourth card, a queen. Still smiling I look at his face and see the one remaining card resting on his chin as he raises his eyebrows at me. If it’s another quee
n, I’m screwed.

  “Chicken?” I tease.

  Paul starts laughing now as he throws down his final card, a two and I’m laughing and clapping my hands together as I reach over to scoop up all the winnings in the middle. There must be close to five hundred pounds in the centre and I gather it all in a neat pile and move it towards Ben’s depleted stock.

  “All yours,” I tell him, leaning over to kiss him.

  “Oh come on,” come the cries from the guys.

  Ben just laughs as he stands up and shoves the money into his pockets. “Well boys, this has been fun, but it might be time for me to go earn these winnings now,” he says, pulling me off the couch and slinging me over his shoulder. “If you don’t mind,” he adds, slapping me on the arse and causing me to squeal. “We’ll be in the other room. Simon, keep an eye on this lot.”

  “Yes, Sir,” he answers as the other guys start calling out any number of obscene things to us.

  “Oh, looks like Evie’s gonna get a taste of Ben’s hose…Whoo hoo,” someone says, acting as though he’s a teenage boy.

  As Ben turns around, I catch Paul laughing at as. “Just remember, hang something on the door knob so no one accidentally walks in on you,” he says, winking at me.

  “Oh I’m sure there’ll be something hanging on someone’s knob,” someone else calls out and even I start laughing now.

  Ben’s arm tightens around me as he starts walking down the corridor. “Come on, Evie Foster, it’s time for me to earn my keep.”

  I smack him on the butt now, knowing he owes me nothing, but more than happy to accept whatever it is he wants to give me.

  Ben walks us into the communal sleeping room he normally shares with seven other guys when he’s on duty. Tonight though, we are the only two in here. The lights are all off, but the blinds are open and a single shaft of streetlight shines in, casting a beam of light right down the middle of the room.

  “Ben, let me go,” I say, smacking him on the butt again.

  “No way,” he whispers, sliding me off his shoulder and down his body.