Metanoia

by Angela Schiavone

  “Gina, it’s you I love because you really are her,” Leyance coaxed.

  “You don’t know that, not for sure. I can’t complicate my life and yours further.”

  “No, you can be true to yourself. Please…” he began and kissed her cheek. Gina paused, wanting to hold him close, but was unable to. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

  “I can’t now,” she stated coldly, pulling back. Leyance let go of her. After a long pause, he responded.

  “Alright.” With that, he got up and walked out the door, closing it behind him. As soon as the big doors met together, the tears came streaming down Gina’s face. Her eyes never left where he had disappeared.

  So here I am, she thought. Heaven, paradise, utopia – but no longer. I can’t do this. I can’t even sort out my own feelings so how am I suppose to act on those feelings towards Leyance and my people. I’m not their queen! I can’t be, I just can’t…

  Gina knew she would never be the same again as she sat in the dark, tears freely flowing, believing that nothing could become worse. Yet, in a few short hours, she would find herself proven wrong yet again.

  Leyance’s heart sank. The woman he loved could not bring herself to love him and the knife dug deep. There was no way he could sleep, so he meandered through Nythagié. He saw the lit river, the quiet homes here and there tucked into the trees, the manor, Gina’s balcony… It hurt to look there, but he found himself staring there the longest. For a split second, Leyance almost thought he saw her shadow at the window, but he blinked and, yet again, she was simply something out of his reach.

  Traveling further, Leyance’s gaze shifted to the hills, which then went on to grow into mountains. Sitting on one of the hills, he saw the faint outline of a cottage. It was there that he and his fiancé had sat many hours simply to relax and be in the company of the other. It was there that he had asked her to marry him. It was there that she had accepted. It was there that they had spoken promises to only each other and the night.

  A sigh escaped Leyance’s lips, and he turned back to the manor. He walked up the steps and through the halls. Walking past the council room, he saw a familiar figure.

  “Fheyrhil, don’t you ever sleep?” he asked. Fheyrhil smiled.

  “I am unable to for the same reason as you,” he replied.

  “Highly doubt that. You can’t sleep because Gina doesn’t love you?” he joked.

  “Because she will not admit her feelings for you. If she fears that, then she fears all. Gina is breaking slowly,” he stated.

  “I know she is. I feel it too.” He paused, pondering. “Did you know that I just…?”

  “Visited Gina? You know I do.”

  “That is an awesome power to possess, Fheyrhil. The Gift of Knowledge is always good to have.”

  “Yet, it comes with a price. Sometimes knowing only offers more confusion. Gina would understand such a statement.”

  “All too well,” Leyance replied. “What should we do about this?”

  “About her memory or about your relationship?” he asked smiling. Leyance smiled nervously. He didn’t want to admit it, but his key goal was to help Gina remember loving him. Through that he had hoped that she would remember all.

  “It does not work like that,” Fheryhil answered to Leyance’s silent thoughts. “Yet, you will not change approaches.”

  “I can’t. I still feel that she’ll remember through remembering she loved me.”

  “The prophecies above all rule. You cannot change them. You cannot stop Gina from meeting that evil.”

  “But what if remembering through that evil kills her?” Leyance asked fearfully.

  “That could perhaps happen, but I do not believe that will be her fate.” Fheryhil paused. He understood Leyance’s position and felt pity. He also understood Gina’s confusion and how she was at the edge of sanity. He felt it in his connected heart. “Leyance,” he began, “Gina needs rest and relaxation. You want yet another chance to prove your love. These being true, take this: bring Gina to that old cottage you saw tonight. There perhaps she can relax before returning to duties. Yet, I also leave you with this advice. She will not remember the way you wish her to. So, be caring and ask of her feelings, not just telling of your own. This way you will understand her better and will find a better path to her heart.”

  Leyance’s sorrow lifted. Perhaps this was the key.

  “I will do it,” he resolved. “How long do you expect will be needed?”

  “A few days,” came his reply. “You may take her there tomorrow.”

  “It will be done.” He turned to leave, feeling a sense of purpose, his heart being settled, yet he turned again. “Thank you, Fheyrhil.” Then he was gone. Fheyrhil silently watched him go.

  “You are welcome, my boy. You are welcome.”

  Awaking from a restless sleep, Gina felt drained. She dreaded the day ahead which was to be filled with training, long hours, and more time to ponder on her feelings than she wanted to be submitted to. Sighing, she dragged herself out of bed and made her way over to her closet and began to dress.

  Once outside, Gina hurried to the training field. Yet, as she arrived, she realized that no one was there.

  “Gloria?” she called. “Kaleb?” Still no one came. Perhaps they are running late? she thought but highly doubted it. She looked around and noticed something on the ground. A long-stemmed crystal rose with a note. She marveled at the rose and touched it gently with her finger. Upon touching it, she found that, despite its appearance, it was not crystal. It was a real rose. Next, the note was opened.

  Dearest Gina,

  Please forgive me for last night. I shouldn’t have pushed you as I did; I suppose I just do not know how to approach this. One thing I do know is that I should be helping you through this a little better than I have. Fheyrhil and I have seen that this transition is not an easy one for you and understandably so. He has asked that you be taken away from this for a while, so you can relax. I’ll help you in any way I can, for I will accompany you on this small vacation. Please meet me at the base of the main steps at 10:00 with what you wish to bring. Hopefully this will give you a much-needed break. I’ll see you then.

  Forever Yours,

  Leyance

  As Gina lowered the note, her head spun with confusion. She was relieved to be excused from her duties. She had known that sanity was escaping her and that time was needed to mend it. Yet, time was also needed to mend her heart. A few days alone with Leyance might only lead to more heartache and confusion. Gina turned back to the note. I’ll help you in any way I can, for I will accompany you on this small vacation. He would be with her, and there was no way to avoid him. Not anymore. With a sigh, Gina dragged her feet back to the manor and started packing.

  At 9:55, Leyance sat on the steps. He marveled at the beautiful morning that was around him. So much excitement was in his heart this morning, for he knew he would have much wanted time alone with Gina. She, however, was not nearly as excited but rather fearful and worried. Nevertheless, she showed up at the appointed time. Leyance’s eyes lit up when he saw her, and he ran up to meet her.

  “Good morning,” he greeted her.

  “Morning,” she said. God, why do those eyes have to be so captivating? she wondered silently. Quickly, she pulled her gaze away.

  They started their small journey to the cottage. Gina lagged a little behind him, still unwilling to be alone with him. All too soon, they reached the small house. Leyance opened the door and held it for her.

  “After you,” he said, grinning.

  “You first,” she replied, yet seeing his eyes quickly added, “please.” He glanced at her strangely then entered first. She followed. The cottage basically consisted of a large room with a separate bathroom to the side. It seemed to be pretty old. The wood was weathered, and it did not seem to take on a magical appearance like the other houses. A bed sat positioned in a corner, a comfortable lounge chair in another, and a couch on the other side of the room with a coff
ee table in front of it. It actually reminded Gina of the houses back home.

  “Home sweet home,” Leyance shared. “Well, at least for a few days.”

  “Whatever.” She threw her stuff by the bed and laid down on it, letting her legs hang over the side. Leyance watched her. Sighing, he sat down next to her.

  “You don’t want to be here, do you?” He turned to look at her. She met his glance. “I mean you don’t want to be here with me. Well, I can’t blame you. I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.”

  “No you haven’t.”

  “You obviously know how I feel about all of this, but this isn’t about me. It’s about you. How do you feel?” he asked, feeling a little awkward. She sent him a weird glance which made him feel even more uncomfortable. “It’s just that I want you to relax, and you can’t when you are holding all these feelings inside – or so I’ve heard.”

  “You don’t want to hear my problems,” she said. “Besides, when you talk to a guy about a situation, he’s usually not involved in it.”

  “True, but is there anyone else who would be easier to talk to?”

  “Not really.”

  “Well, if you want to talk…If not that’s fine.” With that, he went around to the other side of the bed, sat down on it, and relaxed against the headboard. They rested in silence for awhile. After what seemed like hours, Gina spoke.

  “I feel lost.”

  “How so?”

  “Like I have no clue who I am. Am I Gina Cassidy: a student most of my life who lives in California with friends and a mythology book? Or am I Queen Regina: ruler of Nythagié and fiancé to…” she stopped suddenly. She couldn’t say it. “I’m totally confused. I have no sense of purpose, no sense of identity. I don’t know who I am! It’s worse than amnesia! And you… I know you’re only trying to help, and I can only imagine the pain you’ve gone through. The woman you love is killed…” She shivered at the words. “And then when she actually comes back she can’t remember you. Well, I mean if it was me, which it isn’t but, umm, well you know what I mean.” I’m babbling like an idiot! she thought. She rolled over to face Leyance.

  “Anyway, I’m not making it any easier on you I know. I’m just trying to save you the hurt in the end. Yes, I know that doesn’t make any sense – but I really am. I mean imagine, you, well, umm, fall for me and then your real fiancé returns. Can you just imagine? She’d be heart broken as would you as well as confused and it would be because of me! This is all because of me! Why can’t this be over? There is only one thing that can come out of me being in Nythagié – pain and suffering. It sounds strange even as I say it, but I know it’s true. Look at you. You are in so much pain right now. I see it. I know you want me to love you, but only more pain can come from that. Can you see it? Oh, and the whole thing about being a warrior and leading battles? Yeah, news flash – we couldn’t win with me as a leader! Everyone would be hurt or killed and it would be my fault! What about my friends? I haven’t seen or heard them in forever. They could be sick and I wouldn’t know. I can’t talk to them, they can’t talk to me. What if the Übels come back into my world? I know, it’s impossible but whatever. It isn’t as impossible as it sounds. My world, my home. I need to go back there. Don’t you see? I was never meant to be here. I was meant to be in the safety of my home reading my mythology books and dreaming I was here. Oh, I need to shut up!” She tried to stop it, but the tears started to flow. “Now, I’m complaining and making you feel like I don’t care about you or this land or what are supposed to be my people. I was rude to Fheyrhil and now I’m being rude to you. I’m losing my sanity. I know I’m hurting those around me by my actions and now by my words, but I can’t stop. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Leyance…” She just cried. That’s all she could do. Leyance leaned over and pulled her towards him.

  “Shh. It’s okay, Gina. You aren’t hurting anyone, and, now that you’ve gotten this off your chest, I don’t think you will hurt as much either.” He held her to him as she sobbed into his shoulder. She threw her arms around his neck and held him against her.

  “I’m sorry, Leyance. I’m sorry. I can’t bear to be by myself anymore,” she sobbed, the sound muffled by his shoulder.

  “You don’t have to be. I’m here. I’ll always be right here.” He held her, rubbing her back and fingering her hair. She continued to hold on to him and so they remained until her tear drops dried and she fell asleep in his arms.

  The sound of birds singing softly awoke Gina. Opening her eyes, she suddenly remembered where she was, yet something seemed odd to her. Then, it hit her. Gina had fallen asleep in Leyance’s arms and he, too, had fallen asleep. Slowly, so as not to disturb him, she rolled over to gaze upon him. The eyes that so easily made Gina weak in the knees were closed, but he was still beautiful all the same.

  He is handsome, she thought. I’ll give him that, not to mention caring, intelligent, funny – no, stop, stop! …What’s the use? I can’t help it. She studied his face, his brown loose curls resting on his head and noticed beads of perspiration on his forehead. His lips were moving, as well, as if mouthing a word. Gina realized what he was doing. He was silently calling out for her.

  “Leyance…” she whispered. Worry swept over her. “Leyance!”

  Leyance walked through the streets of Nythagié, Gina’s hand in his. He smiled at her and gently kissed her head. They were together. Finally, they were together. Finally, she loved him, remembered loving him. That’s when the sky blackened. A dark figure stepped into the clearing.

  “Noquef!” Gina exclaimed.

  “I’ve come for you, Darling, I told you I would. Come with me. Marry me. Give yourself up to me,” he demanded. Gina quickly pushed Leyance away harshly. She ran into Noquef’s arms.

  “Noquef, I knew you’d come!” She held him close and kissed him hard. “I love you so much!” she said, speaking in between kisses. Leyance didn’t know what to do.

  “Gina…” he started.

  “Sorry,” Noquef said grinning. “She’s mine. She was always meant to be mine.” Again, he grabbed Gina and kissed her as they started to walk away. Leyance tried to run after her, tried to yell out, but some invisible hand stopped him.

  “Gina!” he said to himself. “Gina!” Her voice now floated back to him.

  “Leave me, Leyance! I never loved you! I love Noquef, not Leyance. Leyance…”

  “Leyance!” Gina yelled. “Come on, Leyance, wake up!” He jolted up, still shaking. He looked surprised at the sight of Gina.

  “Gina! You’re still here.”

  “Of course, I haven’t gone anywhere. That was some nightmare,” she said, drying his forehead with her sleeve. “I thought you might be having an epileptic fit or something. I was kind of worried. Shows how much I know about nightmares, huh?”

  “It was nothing. Just a stupid dream. Nothing to worry about.”

  “What was it about?” she inquired. “I mean do you normally call out for me in your dreams?”

  “You don’t want to hear it.”

  “Sure, I do. Come on, tell me,” Gina pleaded. After awhile, Leyance gave in.

  “You and I were a couple,” he began. Gina jumped slightly at this, but he didn’t notice and continued. “We were walking and – well Noquef came and took you away. It was a dream, it wasn’t real.”

  “Noquef?” Gina asked. What is that?

  “I know, I hate him too,” Leyance responded, misunderstanding her question.

  “Him? Who is this guy?” she questioned, now utterly confused.

  “Oh, right, sorry. He’s an evil man, Gina, that’s all you need to know. He died in a fire about twenty-five years ago. He’s long gone.” He clearly did not want to say more so Gina did not push him. Though he tried to hide it, this dream had obviously disturbed him. She wanted to return the same care and kindness that he had shown her earlier. So, she sat up and wrapped her arms around him. He accepted the embrace. They sat in silence for awhile then slowly broke away. Gina’s eyes were caug
ht by his, but, once again, she pulled away and went over to the window. Leyance slowly followed and came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her stomach and resting his head on her shoulder. Gina’s heart was racing and so many butterflies darted around her stomach that she was sure he’d feel them. She turned to face him.

  “Leyance…” His arms were wrapped around her and hers rested upon his chest. No, she thought, this will only complicate things and I don’t want that, I don’t. But those eyes! Oh, man. I want to – just once, but I know I shouldn’t! But she couldn’t help it. She looked into his eyes, reached up and put her lips to his. Instant relief swept over her as she obeyed her heart’s desire. Yet, at the same time, her stomach gripped with longing. They just held each other and kissed for as long as they could. After a time, they finally broke apart and stared into each other’s eyes.

  “Do you remember anything?” Leyance asked, studying her eyes, searching for a sense of recognition in them.

  “What are you talking about?” Gina asked, taken aback.

  “Well, I always thought that you would remember your past if we finally got back together. Do you remember anything?”

  “What? You only wanted to kiss me to make me remember?” she asked, hurt by his remark. How could he say that? she thought.

  “Yes, I mean, no. I love you but I thought if you finally let yourself love me than you’d remember but…”

  “But the prophecy did not say I’d remember through you! I’ll remember through some evil or something,” she interrupted. “Besides, this doesn’t mean I love you. I still don’t remember anything.”

  Leyance looked injured. “I’m only trying to keep you from getting hurt! Prophecies can be changed.”

  “No, they can’t.”

  “Yes, they can. Do you remember anything? Anything at all?”

  “Yes,” she replied after awhile, looking stern. “I remember why I didn’t want to get involved with you.” With that she pushed past him and went outside. Leyance in return followed her out the door, but went off in the opposite direction. Gina watched him go, then walked over to a rock, and sat down. I told you, she thought. Things don’t change that easily.