Breaking News: An Autozombiography

by N. J. Hallard

  ‘Look, mate,’ the man was gesturing at the bodies littering the ground, black oily pools collecting around them in the torrent. ‘We can both see you’ve had a bit of a day of it. Don’t worry about anything, okay? It’s cool.’

  I nodded, dumbly. The girl remained silent.

  ‘Plus, we’re both well - all things considered. I understand why you wanted to make sure we hadn’t been bitten. But we’re fine. Very much alive – look.’ He started to do a little jig for me, stamping about in the wet mud and waving his arms. I laughed, but it hurt my ribs. The girl had still said nothing, and I could see she was wary of me by the distance she kept. She did, though, shake my hand when I introduced myself.

  ‘I’m Dawn,’ she offered. The chap told me he was David. He had a gaunt face and was a thin streak of a lad, but taller than me. She had frizzy dyed black hair and a fat face. She was quite sweet-looking, under the streaks of white that ran down both their faces, and the black rims around their eyes.

  ‘I saw your white makeup and… I got confused. Sorry I tried to nail you. Sorry I tied you up, too’

  ‘S’okay. It won’t be the first time I’ve been tied to a tree up here. Naked, too, but it’s usually Dawn who does the…’ He stopped, sensing her discomfort as she shuffled her feet and coughed. ‘Look, have you got water?’ he asked. I began to explain that we’d run out, but as the rain was still coming down in stair rods, I giggled and pointed upwards.

  ‘Give me a hand with this.’ I pulled Al’s canvas canopy from the front of his tent, being careful not to rip anything, but not dawdling either in case the rain stopped. David held one end as I sized up the lowest branches of a nearby tree. I tied it off around the trunk then we spread it outwards and lowered it at one end. David grabbed the rope we’d used to fell the zombies on the way up, but I insisted we used a fresh length as we were collecting water to drink.

  ‘Why, what are you thinking?’ David quizzed.

  ‘Well, we can’t be too careful. I don’t know what the threat of contamination is from some guts on a bit of rope, but we should take no chances.’

  We tied the two loose corners to another tree with the new rope and I set up a line of pots and pans underneath the low end of the overhang. The rain was already starting to collect. I held a couple of the cups Lou had brought with us under the trickle and made them drink first – a kind of peace offering I suppose. Dawn shivered, even though I could feel the intense thunder-heat underneath the deceptive cool of the rainstorm. Steam came off our clothes as we sat, and soon Floyd joined us.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ I murmured, ‘I wasn’t imagining it. Hello boy!’

  I got a good solid licking; the warm familiar contact was like a mother’s hug. The fur on his chest was white again, if a little muddy. As he stood proudly facing down the hill his tail wagged frantically. I told David and Dawn how important the dogs had been as early warning systems, and whilst the rain or the change in wind direction seemed to be keeping the zombies away David recounted their story to me.

  They’d been in their bed-sit in the middle of town when their neighbour called round. His elderly mum was sick, and he knew Dawn was training to be a nurse so he asked for their help. She had done as much as she could - mainly trying to make the old dear comfortable - but she’d turned on her son and pulled the flesh from his fingers with her teeth. That’s when they’d first tried to escape; but the stairwell was full of them. When they started to break through the door into their flat they’d barricaded themselves into their bathroom. David had climbed out of the bathroom window three storeys up and jumped onto the flat roof next door, but he’d nearly fallen through the gap and down into the street. Dawn shuddered when he said that bit. She still hadn’t said a thing to me except her name.

  They’d jumped onto a fire escape, but their route to ground level was blocked as more of the zombies caught their scent and gathered below – he used the word ‘zombie’ I was pleased to hear. They’d sat on the roof for hours, listening to the sounds of screaming and ripping, watching the fires taking hold of the town centre. Then the gas tank blew up. It splintered all of the windows around them, covering them with glass. He said they’d been deaf for a full ten minutes, and the heat made every breath feel like fire. They had to move as the heat got more intense, so David bravely jumped the gap back into their little bathroom, soaked some towels and wrapped themselves up before risking the fire escape, clambering down to street level and working their way up through town. Hiding didn’t work – they soon found that their combined scent of coconut oil and joss sticks betrayed their location and proved mouth-watering to the less healthy sections of society. They’d outrun everyone they met, paused for breath when they could, and spent two nights in a fenced-off electricity substation, and one night on top of a bus shelter.

  Dawn had pleaded with David to end their lives together, so they could be in control. But they had no guns, or any sure-fire way of dispatching themselves safely so they had headed to Cissbury Ring, the one place they would feel most at home. They regularly came up here at night he said, to smoke pot, listen to music and fuck. They’d been running for too long. I let them use Al’s tent to catch some sleep as I sat with Floyd, wrapped in bin bags and trying not to fall asleep myself.

  Floyd woke me three times in the night, and I used Vaughan’s discarded axe to defend the camp. These were fresh ones; lively and quick, but I could see the ditch was still filled with bodies. Some were still, bloodied or charred; others clutched and gnawed at the ground, aroused by the smells of human activity above.

  Day came grey and sodden; weak yellow light fighting for space with the rolling pewter clouds. Floyd ate, and I contemplated the stores. I was starving. There was only tinned food really, nothing fresh, and no meat, although I found some rice and pasta and some basics Lou had packed. At least now I had time to make something hot instead of glugging it back straight from the tin. I got the fire going – the pile of wood was still tinder-dry a few layers down - and poured two tins of tomatoes into the pot. I added salt, sugar and couple of handfuls of rice. I’d seen a bay tree up near the camp too, so I stripped off three or four young leaves, pounded them between a couple of flat stones, and threw them in.

  David was out of the tent first, stretching, scratching and sniffing.

  ‘That smells great.’

  ‘I wasn’t sure if you guys were vegetarian, so I left out the pancetta and pan-seared calf’s liver,’ I said.

  He grinned. ‘I’m a vegetarian; Dawn’s not. She likes her cheeseburgers too much.’

  ‘Well, this’ll be another half an hour. Oh, look out.’ I stood.

  A stinker had stumbled onto the Ring and was making for the camp fire. I picked up my club and prodded him hard in the chest until he’d stumbled backwards to the edge of the Ring then swung at his head, cracking it in two and sending him reeling into the ditch.

  ‘Eurgh. You’ve done that before,’ he said. I sensed a morbid fascination in this one.

  ‘David, you’ll have to do it too.’ I said. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t do any of them on your way up.’

  ‘I’m a vegetarian,’ he repeated hesitantly, unsure of his argument.

  ‘You’ll be a dead one unless you’re prepared to stop one of those bad boys. The only way you can do it permanently is to take their heads off, or sever this bit,’ I pointed to the back of my neck.

  ‘You’re basically talking about killing sick people. What if there’s a cure?’ he asked. This was no time for playing Devil’s Advocate, Goth or not.

  ‘There is no cure.’ I said firmly. ‘They’re dead. There is no cure for dead.’ He sat, staring glumly into the fire.

  ‘I thought you’d be into this, all these corpses.’ I said, in an attempt to be light-hearted. It didn’t work.

  ‘Oh, you mean because we’re Goths? Mate, it’s more about getting other people to fucking leave you alone for a bit than it is about dancing round graveyards.’

  ‘But it is about dancing round graveya
rds too, right?’ I was being flippant now. This is where I needed Lou to reign me in, to make me put the feelings of others before my own self-gratifying comedy.

  ‘Did I tell you we saw an old man sitting with someone’s head, chewing on it like it was an apple?’ he asked. ‘I know there’s no cure. You just seem so… used to it. It’s freaky.’

  ‘I’m not used to it. I’m realistic, and I want to protect what’s mine.’ I tried not to think about Lou. I rubbed my naked ring finger. ‘You want to protect Dawn, right?’ I asked him. ‘You don’t want to see her become one of them.’

  ‘I don’t,’ David kicked at the dirt.

  ‘We lost a friend here last night, just before you came. He was called Vaughan.’

  ‘Have you buried him?’ David asked me.

  ‘No, there wasn’t enough left of him.’

  ‘Well, you can still build a cross or a pile of stones or something.’

  ‘Ah, a grave you mean? David, are you feeling like doing another little jig? Sorry, I’m… I use humour to make myself feel better. I don’t always think about other people though. Sorry. Let’s build my mate a grave.’

  All I had left of Vaughan was a long-sleeved T-shirt he’d had tied around his waist when he arrived, and then discarded when we went to B&Q. I picked up my trusty spade. David asked me if Dawn would be okay.

  ‘She’ll be fine. If one of those things gets into the camp my dog will bark like a maniac, or just destroy it straight away. Or do both. He’s a good guard dog at night too. He saved all of us three times last night. Dawn will be okay, anyway most of them seem to have given up for now. We were up here for a few days before you came and we didn’t see a single one of them up here. Then the wind changed.’

  I realised I’d been subconsciously walking towards the trig point pillar. It seemed as good a place as any, so when we got there I started to dig a shallow trench next to it, about four feet long.

  ‘I feel stupid.’ I said.

  ‘If your mate saw to just one of those zombies he deserves a good send-off.’

  I laid Vaughan’s T-shirt out in the upper half of the trench, smoothing out the creases. When I was satisfied, we pulled back the bracken from one of the numerous hollows dotted around the top of the Ring, and started to uncover stones. We prised them up, loose from the sudden drenching, the damp earth eager to give them up like rotten teeth. We laid them out in the trench. David found a couple of branches.

  ‘For the cross,’ he said.

  ‘Vaughan wasn’t religious,’ I said.

  ‘Oh. I didn’t think of that,’ he shrugged. ‘Well, it makes it look like a grave anyway. At least other people will know what it is if it looks the part.’ When we were done, David asked me if I should say something.

  ‘Okay. Er. Vaughan was a good bloke, and a good friend of mine. Of ours. We all loved him, and he went out saving the rest of us, so there you go. Good bloke.’ My throat caught the last few words, and I could feel the lump coming again, so I shut up. I shrugged at David, and we walked off. I had a pang of doubt that I should have waited for the others before doing what we’d just done, but I didn’t even know if they were coming back. When we got back to the camp, Floyd was inspecting Dawn’s skirt. She was sitting by the fire, stirring the pot.

  ‘Hi cuteness!’ David said to her. She wrinkled her nose at him before levelling her eyes towards me coolly.

  ‘Thank you for letting us stay here last night.’ She said to me.

  ‘This is yours as much as it is mine,’ I motioned around me. ‘I was glad to see someone else.’ There was a pause.

  ‘What, after you tried to shoot me? Sorry, I’m being a bitch. If I’m honest I haven’t felt this safe for a good few days. If that’s how you’re going to treat anyone else who finds their way up here, I’ll feel even safer. Anyway, where did your friends go?’

  ‘Oh, fuck knows,’ I said, my voice over-loud. ‘That was my wife, who slapped me. Fuck knows. Brrr.’

  I didn’t want to talk about it, so I suggested we ate what was in the pot - it was gone in minutes. After picking some bay leaf from my teeth, I turned to Dawn.

  ‘There’s a washing-up bowl over there.’

  I didn’t even think about it. Maybe some archetype of what a man expects a woman’s work to be influenced me, possibly, but I was just projecting the arrangement that Lou and I had worked with for nearly a decade onto Dawn – me cook, woman wash up.

  ‘What the fuck are you saying?’ She was indignant, little lights burning in her eyes like embers.

  ‘Oh, no, I’m not suggesting…’

  ‘It’s okay,’ Dave said calmly, ‘I’ll wash up. You do it next time though cuteness, yeah?’

  ‘Don’t use too much water,’ I called after him, before turning to Dawn.

  ‘Look,’ I said, ‘I’ve just buried my mate. My mate’s T-shirt, anyway. I didn’t mean to offend you, but if I’m honest, there’s not going to be much room for getting upset up here. Like earlier, when I tied you both to the tree.’

  ‘And left us for dead,’ she jutted her jaw at me.

  ‘Yeah, well. Level heads, stiff upper lips and that. Best of British. Am I being patronising?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she smiled a small smile. ‘But I get your point though. You won’t get any trouble from me, I have to change shitty old men’s pants and mop up piss every Friday night.’

  ‘Oh, that reminds me,’ I waggled a finger at her and she frowned. ‘I want to go over some stuff with you – medicine and that, you know, from herbs and berries and stuff. It’s in a survival book I brought with me – we brought with us. Well, we nicked a lot of it really, from B&Q, but the book’s mine. Anyway, it’s all down there.’ I stood and stretched, pointing down the track into town. ‘It’s only about a half-mile ramble.’

  ‘What? We’ve only just got here!’ David was in earshot, sluicing the water out of the bowl.

  ‘It’s alright mate, we’ll all go, and play it by ear. I’m not leaving anyone alone up here again.’ I pulled my binoculars from the tent and scanned the length of the track. There were no figures standing or walking along the route, just felled bodies from when we broke through. I spotted the rucksacks, untouched where I’d left them.

  ‘Here,’ I handed Dawn the binoculars. ‘See them? Each one’s chock-full of bits from B&Q. We broke in yesterday, all kinds of stuff’s in there, mainly defensive.’

  When I heard Floyd break into his long baying howl my stomach flipped. When I saw the horse, I thought I was losing it again. But there it was in front of us, complete with all its riding tackle or whatever its called. Dawn let out a gasp and thrust the binoculars back at me.

  ‘Well, she’ll be happy then. She had a horse when she was a kid.’ David looked at me and whispered ‘Bit of a daddy’s girl really.’

  ‘I thought I’d imagined horses last night. Look, there’s another. Floyd hates horses with a passion.’

  For whatever reason - lack of food, lack of human contact – the horses had found us. The bravest one let me rub his nose. There were five of them in total, including a much younger one that nuzzled the side of one of the big ones. It didn’t seem too bothered about the responsibility, and would butt the little one away from time to time. Two of them had saddles and leads, or leashes or whatever. I hated horses as much as Floyd - I’d been forced to go on an adventure holiday in Wales when I was a school kid, and when we went trekking up the Breacon Beacons on one dismal day, I ended up with the biggest pony out of the lot. It kept nipping the arse of the one in front and eventually got bored and galloped up the steep wet scree to the front of the queue. I didn’t have fun.

  I wasn’t too sure about Dawn’s suggestion of using the animals to fetch the backpacks one bit. But after a while, and seeing how confident she was with them, it made sense. She seemed filled with a spark I’d not seen before as she told me how much quicker it would be, and how it meant we’d be above any zombies we came across. It was good timing. Dawn laughed again as she showed me how to get on. The
se were real horses, nothing like the Thelwell mules I’d been on before. David said she had made him ride on a few before.

  ‘Just don’t give him any reason to doubt you,’ she said. ‘Imagine you’re riding Floyd.’ That made sense to me, and I must admit during some of my heavier smoking sessions I’d had full-on daydreams about me and Al, miniaturised to the size of Action Men and scooting about the living room on the backs of our dogs. I showed Floyd no fear, and as a result he thought I was leader of the pack. How little he knew.

  She showed me how to get him going, but it was like showing a driving student the accelerator before the brake. I worked it out myself eventually, after picking up some hair-raising speed.

  ‘He’s probably eager for a canter,’ Dawn said. ‘I wonder whose they are. Were.’

  I showed them both the armoury. Al and Jay had taken their weapons with them, so choice was more limited than I’d have liked. Dawn reluctantly took Vaughan’s axe, claiming she wouldn’t be using it, and David took a fancy to the nail guns.

  ‘I can at least keep my distance with these,’ he said.

  ‘I think I’ll be keeping my distance from you – do you know what you’re doing?’

  ‘X-Box,’ he said simply. I understood, but couldn’t approve. X-Box indeed.

  Dawn was confident enough to take one of the horses without a saddle and, after tethering the others and helping David onto his, she clambered up swiftly, using the mane as a grip. The horse stood still for her, before setting off at a trot on her command. Ours followed hers to the whinnying of those left behind.

  ‘Dawn, do you know where we’re going?’ I yelled.

  ‘Think so,’ she shouted back. Even though she was ahead, I could tell she was smiling. ‘Just keep going down, I’ll shout when we’re there.’

  The horses waded through the corpses at the bottom of the trench and around the brittle remnants of Lou’s gorse-fire protection. We picked our way through the fallen freaks scattered around the top of the path, with Floyd running ahead, and started south towards Worthing. I couldn’t see any stinkers. The town centre was still dotted with fires - many less than before the rain - and the smoke spread out on the wind instead of climbing into the sky. I tried to make out landmarks with my binoculars, but the ride was bumpy. I could smell charred metal and molten plastic above the reek of eggs.