God's Gift of Love

by Sarah Miller

  She bit her lip. Then he wouldn’t want to hear anything of the last two years, most of which had been a pain. When she didn’t get pregnant as soon as Mark wanted her to. When she made friends with Sarah, who Mark didn’t trust. When she would forget things he told her to do. When he found her crying. “Then don’t,” she finally said to Gabe. “Think of me here, because I’m not in pain anymore.”

  She told herself that, and it was almost right. She had a new home, she was with May and closer to the rest of her family. But she still carried around all that Mark had done to her.

  “Not at all?” Gabe asked as though he knew what she was thinking.

  “Not as much. And it’s a different kind of pain, one that’s in the past.”

  “What. . .” He shifted in his seat. “What happened to you, Katie?”

  She shook her head but found she was unable to say anything.

  “I know I’m being bold, and I shouldn’t push things, I know that. But being around you is... and to think that someone might have hurt you... I don’t know what else to do.”

  “You don’t have to do anything, Gabe,” she whispered. Her eyes stung with tears, blurring her vision, and she squeezed the reins, slowing the horse just a little. She looked away to wipe her face.

  “Katie,” he whispered his voice reverent.

  The way he said her name made more tears come, and she wanted to fight them off. She bit down on her lip hard, trying to blink her tears away.

  “I was going to propose to you,” Gabe said, “two years ago. But you were gone so quickly.”

  A small sob escaped her lips. He was right, it had all happened so fast. What if he had proposed before Mark’s parents arranged things with her parents? What if she’d married him instead and the last two years had been with him and his warm, loving family?

  But no, things wouldn’t have been perfect. She would have forgotten important things; she would have displeased him; she would have ruined everything.

  And she would again if she tried to be with him now.

  Or maybe he would be cruel like Mark. Maybe she didn’t know him at all.

  Things were too uncertain, and she couldn’t trust him.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

  “I don’t want anything,” Gabe said, his voice urgent. “I just want you to know how much I cared for you. And seeing you again this week, everything’s come flooding back, stronger. I never thought I could love someone as much as I loved you, Katie, and now that you’re back, I know I couldn’t.”

  “Oh Gabe,” she said, holding back another sob.

  Aunt May’s house was in sight. She just had to get home. She couldn’t let him be hurt. She couldn’t let him hurt her.

  They were quiet as the buggy went the final distance. She steered the horses with shaking hands and they stopped. She got off the buggy quickly, and Gabe leaped off to help her with the horse. As she worked on getting him detached and led him to the barn, her tears subsided and she was able to get a hold of her breath. Gabe helped her, opening the barn door, then the one to the stable. She stroked the horse’s neck. His name was George; and he was a kind, older horse, almost like May in that way.

  Katie pulled her shawl close and left the barn, Gabe behind her. She paused before walking up the steps of the porch. The steps he’d been working on steadily, without relenting.

  “Katie, I’m sorry if I overstepped,” Gabe said. “I just wanted you to know.”

  She hugged herself. “Gabe, you might think you love me, but... no one truly can.”

  Gabe sucked in a small breath as though her words pained him.

  “The good father, yes; family, yes; but not... not a husband, a partner, you see?”

  “Nee,” Gabe whispered, shaking his head. He took a step closer to her, but she backed away.

  “Mark didn’t.” Her voice broke. “And that’s for the best. I’m meant to be alone.”

  “Katie,” he said it like a plea.

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you what you need. I should go.” She turned and walked up the steps.

  He said her name once more. She paused at the door and glanced back at him.

  “What I said earlier about being here for you, about helping with anything you need, I still mean that,” Gabe told her. “I’ll be here.”

  She slowly nodded. “Goodnight, Gabe.”

  She slipped into the dark, warm house and leaned against the door. Tears stung her eyes again, but she forced them back. This time, she was successful.

  Chapter Three: Gabe

  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

  - 1 Peter 1:3

  Katie’s words kept Gabe up more often than not. How could she think she wasn’t worthy of love? What had Mark done to her? The pain in her voice in the buggy, then the certainty later when she told him she couldn’t give him what he needed. It woke him up in the middle of the night, and he thought of her across the village, alone, hurting, believing those lies. When he couldn’t sleep, he’d pray instead, begging the father to open her eyes and help her realize she could be loved. That shewasloved.

  He finished her porch a few days after the dinner. She came out and spoke to him as though nothing had happened between them.

  At the service, she met up with all his family again, and they all enjoyed each other’s presence. She didn’t stay for the singing that night, so neither did he.

  He kept seeing her over the following weeks. She watched the others play volleyball while she sat in the grass, too pregnant to play with them. She visited his brothers’ houses and became friends with their wives. She visited May’s children’s houses. He would be at these visits more often than not. They played many a game of Scrabble, and no matter how she tried, she never had the letters to make 'love' and 'Gabe'. Others would seat them next to each other at the dinner table. They would hint at how everyone was paired up, even Katie and Gabe, even though they weren’t actually courting.

  Seeing her was painful, and it only solidified his resolve to convince her she didn’t need to be alone forever. He didn’t speak of it with her again for some time, but he wanted to. He tried to think of what to say, but he had no idea. So instead, he offered up his actions. Often helping May around the house; he delivered milk personally; he checked on her every few days; he made sure others were being kind to her.

  One evening, he, Katie, and the rest of his family were at Samuel’s. The adults were playing a game in one room, and a few of the children were trying to learn though they were too young to understand. Gabe and Katie were on a team together. She sat on one of the armchairs, Gabe on the ground next to it. He glanced over at her to see her rubbing her arms. “Are you cold?” he asked.

  She looked at him. “Oh, no, I’m fine.” She stopped rubbing her arms but then shivered.

  “I’ll get you a blanket.”

  “Gabe,” she said as he stood up.

  “I’ll be back.” He left the room and went to the children’s bedroom. A wool blanket was on the bed. He picked it up and when he turned, Samuel was in the doorway. “Samuel.”

  His brother smiled at him, nodding to the blanket with a question in his eyes.

  “It’s for Katie.”

  “Ah, of course.” Samuel’s smile faded just a little. “You care for her.”

  “Very much. But she. . .” He shook his head.

  “I know. She might have said something to Rosella, and Rosella told Miriam.”

  Gabe’s mouth went dry. “What did she say?”

  “She said... she knows you love her, but she doesn’t trust herself. She doesn’t know whether to trust you, either.”

  Gabe sighed. “She can.”

  “I know that. Miriam knows that we all know that.” Samuel scratched his beard. “Miriam doesn’t want either of you to get hurt.”

  “I would n
ever hurt her,” Gabe said, his voice fierce.

  “No, of course not. But she thinks you should move on; find someone else to care about.”

  Gabe frowned. He couldn’t imagine that. “What do you think?”

  Samuel put a hand on Gabe’s shoulder, squeezed it, a rare gesture of affection. “Jacob worked fourteen years to have Rachel’s hand in marriage. If you truly believe Gott wants this for you, don’t give up.”

  Gabe smiled. “Denke.”

  The two of them joined the others, and Gabe laid the blanket out on Katie’s lap for her. She smiled at him warmly, a lingering look that he returned. With a warm feeling inside he sat down on the ground next to her armchair, and she touched his shoulder for just a moment before withdrawing her hand. Gabe’s heart soared for the rest of the night.

  * * *

  Gabe pulled his buggy up to May’s house for another milk delivery. It was the first day of December. More than a month had passed since the dinner at Abel and Rosella’s. A thin sprinkling of snow covered the ground, and the cold grass crunched under Gabe’s feet as he approached May’s door with the milk.

  He knocked on the door and waited, but no one answered for some time. He knocked again, then a third time. He looked to the side. May’s buggy was here. A quick walk around the house told him no one was outside tending to the chickens.

  Gabe tested the doorknob. It was unlocked. “Hello?” he called inside. “Aunt May? Katie?”

  No response. He brought the milk in and set it in the kitchen. They must be out. But this time of the day? It was early morning, not even seven yet.

  He was about to leave when he heard a sound from the hallway. A moan, perhaps?

  “Katie?” he called.

  Quickly he stepped into the hallway and passed an open door. The noise drew him on as a deep cold settled in his stomach. Something was wrong. Inside was Katie’s bedroom--and Katie was on the ground, groaning. Gabe rushed to her and dropped to his knees by her side. A thin sheen of sweat covered her face, and her lips were so pale they blended in with her skin. She was fully dressed, but her bonnet only half-covered her hair.

  “Katie!” he said, grasping her hand. Her hand was cold, but when he felt her forehead, it was hot to the touch.

  She touched her pregnant belly. “I... something’s wrong.”

  Blood rushed in Gabe’s ears. “Are you in pain?”

  Katie nodded, squeezing her eyes shut. “Yes. My--oh!” She cried out, squeezing his hand as her free hand went to her belly.

  “It’s going to be okay.” Gabe touched the side of her face. “Where’s May?”

  “Probably still sleeping,” Katie said, panting. “She’s--ah!” She cried out again. “Gabe, something’s wrong.” Her voice broke and tears leaked out of her eyes.

  “Don’t cry,” Gabe said, stroking her forehead. “Everything’s going to be okay. I’m going to go wake up May so I can get the doctor.”

  Katie bit her lip, and her beautiful brown eyes looked into his. “Don’t leave me.”

  His heart seized with pain. “I won’t be gone long, I promise. But the doctor needs to see you. I’ll get May.” He let go of her hand, even though it tore him apart to do so. He ran out of the room to May’s bedroom and pounded on the door. He opened it, calling for May.

  May stirred in bed and when she saw Gabe, she started awake. She wore a nightgown but still, Gabe turned around and spoke to the wall. “Something’s wrong with Katie, she’s in pain, she can’t get up. I have to go get the doctor while you stay with her.”

  When he glanced back, May was up, hobbling past him. She had her bonnet in one hand, but she rushed to Katie’s side. “Oh, my dear,” May said.

  Gabe came into the room and knelt by Katie. “Katie, I can put you on the bed, if. . .”

  Katie nodded, her eyes closed.

  He carefully put his arms under her, one under her knees, and another at her shoulders. His arms strained when he lifted her, but she was still lighter than he’d expected. May pulled the covers back, and Gabe eased Katie down onto the bed. He stroked her forehead once more. “I’ll be right back, I promise.”

  Katie clutched his hand, her eyes meeting his for just a moment before he had to leave her.

  ***

  The doctor lived outside of the village; an Amish turned Englisch they often called on for home visits. Gabe pushed his horse to a reckless speed, and then they raced back to May’s house. The doctor ran inside, carrying his briefcase. A small crowd followed Gabe back once he called to them what was going on. Rosella followed Gabe and the doctor; others stayed back, waiting for news or instructions.

  Katie was still in bed, and May was at her side, coaxing her into drinking some water. A wet washcloth was on Katie’s forehead.

  “Katie?” Dr. Hartford said gently. “Katie, can you hear me?”

  Katie nodded.

  “Where are you hurting?”

  “My stomach.”

  “Are they short, sharp pains, like cramps?”

  “No. Well, maybe, I don’t know. But I’m--” Katie looked at Gabe. “Bleeding.”

  Rosella turned to Gabe. “Perhaps you should wait outside.”

  Gabe wanted to protest, but Rosella put her hand on Gabe’s arm. “I’ll stay and look after her, I’ll let you know what’s wrong.”

  “Katie, I’ll be right outside,” Gabe told her.

  Rosella ushered him to the door.

  “Wait, should I--do you need anything? I’ll get it.”

  Rosella looked back at the doctor. “Just get the others to pray.” She steered him into the hallway and closed the door.

  Gabe’s shoulders drooped, and he let out a slow breath. He closed his eyes. There were a few people by the door, asking for news. Miriam, Sarah, others he didn’t pay much attention to. “We need to pray.”

  * * *

  The next few hours passed by slowly. Rosella requested towels, then water, and then sent Gabe back to the doctor’s office to get a briefcase from his receptionist. When he got back, Rosella said Katie was doing better, but something in the briefcase would help him do tests and narrow down what was going on.

  People gathered to pray, and Gabe prayedharder than he ever had before, partially to himself and partially out loud.Please, God, watch over her, protect her, and heal her. I promise I’ll do the same for her if you give me a chance.

  He wanted to see her again, but they said she needed rest; she wasn’t ready to receive a male visitor. The doctor was doing more tests. He paced around, prayed, did the things May and Katie would have done during the day. Took care of the chickens, made sure the pipes hadn’t frozen, cleaned things up around the kitchen, made everyone lunch.

  It was hours later when the doctor emerged from the room with news. Gabe leaped up from his spot on the couch, and Rosella and May came out of the room, too. Miriam and Sarah were still here. They looked to the doctor for answers.

  “What’s the news?” Gabe asked. “What’s wrong?”

  The doctor wiped his forehead with a rag. “I can only be completely sure if she goes to the hospital for an ultrasound, but I’m eighty percent sure that her placenta has peeled away from the uterine wall. I was able to determine that the separation was mild, so she needs to stay in bed for at least a couple of days. I think it might be better if she stayed at the hospital for close monitoring, but she really doesn’t want to leave.”

  “Will everything be okay if she stays here instead of the hospital?” Gabe asked.

  “Only if we watch her closely,” Dr. Hartford replied. “I need to keep track of the baby’s heart rate and her vitals. She’s not bleeding anymore and the pain is mostly gone, so I think things are steadying out.”

  Gabe felt a slow release as the news settled in. “Can I see her?”

  “It’s fine with me.” The doctor motioned to May.

  “She’s sleeping right now,” May said, “but you can go inside if you’d like.”

  Gabe went into the room. Katie was lying in bed still, c
overed in blankets. She didn’t have her kapp on, and Gabe felt like he shouldn’t be looking at her. Only a husband should see a woman with her hair down. Her long brown hair was braided; the plait lay on her shoulder. She wasn’t as pale as when he found her this morning. He pulled a chair up to the bed and sat. He touched her arm, which was covered by her dress’ sleeve.

  “I’m so glad you’re okay,” he whispered. “I don’t know what I would have done if something happened to you.”

  He stayed there until dinner. He read out loud to her, he prayed with her, all while she was asleep.

  After dinner, which May’s daughter Jane cooked for them all, he came back to the room. An Englisch nurse who worked for Dr. Hartford came to stay the night to keep watch on her. She would check the baby’s heartbeat through Katie’s dress, check Katie’s pulse, take her blood pressure, and ask Gabe how he was doing.

  He fell asleep at her side.

  Chapter Four: Katie

  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

  - Peter 4:8

  When Katie stirred awake, it was dark in her room but for a small lantern on her nightstand. It lit up Gabe, who sat in a chair by her bed, asleep. His head was resting on the wall behind him, and he was awkwardly leaning to the side. It didn’t look the least bit comfortable, but it brought a slow smile onto Katie’s face.

  The clock on her nightstand read almost five. The house wouldn’t be this quiet it if were five pm, so it must have been in the morning. She’d slept so much. Maybe she needed it. As things came back to her, the fall, the bleeding and the pain a hand went to her belly and touched it softly. The doctor had assured her everything was leveling out, but still she felt a touch of fear for what was to come. Quickly she offered a prayer of thanks.

  Letting out a breath she slowly sat up and realized her hair was down. Quickly tucking her braids back into a bun she pulled her kapp on. Then she softly said Gabe’s name.

  He stirred awake, his breathing changing. A groan escaped his throat as he pulled himself upright. Sleepy eyes opened and focused on her, his face brightened, bringing her smile with it.