"It wouldn't work, Nicholas," she told him.
"Not now, perhaps, but later, when you're over him. I can be very patient, Sophie, if I have to be. And I do want you for my wife."
“I___”
"Don't refuse me now, Sophie. Wait a while, see how you feel then. We'll just be friends for now, nothing more."
As far as she was concerned that's all they had ever been, although she had the feeling she had misjudged him somewhat. Maybe he had always seemed dull and boring to her because he was shy. He certainly wasn't acting boring and dull now.
"I'm really not sure——"
"You wanted me to kiss you once, Sophie," he reminded. "And I was stupid enough not to accept."
She remembered the occasion vividly… and her humiliation. "Luke explained about that,'' she said huskily.
"Yes, he did but at least it proves you aren't immune to me."
All it seemed to prove to her was that she had attempted to hit out at Luke and failed. She could still remember the way he had laughed at her.
She sighed. "It doesn't prove anything, Nicholas. I don't think—"
"I don't want you to think," he cut in. "I'll be calling for you this evening at seven-thirty."
"But—"
"Seven-thirty, Sophie."
Her own misgivings were strongly echoed by her father when she told him she would be dining out that evening. "Is that wise?'' he asked with a frown.
"Wise?" She pretended not to understand him.
"He may expect more from you now than you're prepared to give."
She blushed scarlet. "What do you mean?"
"I think you know, Sophie."
"Oh, but Nicholas wouldn't—I wouldn't let him!" she said indignantly.
"I hate to say this, Sophie, but I feel I have to. You've been married, you've become used to a certain, well, a certain relationship."
She colored anew. "I would hardly call two weeks long enough to get used to that."
"But we all know it was longer than two weeks. You haven't forgotten the reason for the hasty marriage."
Momentarily she had, at least, her father's version of it. "No," she admitted quietly.
"Then you'll understand my fears. I wouldn't want you to rush into another relationship without giving it proper thought."
"You're beginning to make me sound like a wanton woman, daddy," she teased.
"Not at all," he denied hastily. "I just want you to recognize the dangers involved in seeing Nicholas."
"I do, daddy."
"And if you do ever go back to Luke? How do you propose to explain away seeing Nicholas?"
The same way he would explain his other women! "I won't be going back to Luke."
He gave her a sharp Look. "You've definitely made up your mind?"
"Yes."
"Don't you think you should talk to him before you make such a big decision?"
She would like nothing better, but it would hurt too much, "I don't think so, daddy." She looked at her wristwatch. "I must get ready to go out."
He put a restraining hand on her arm. "Don't act top hastily, Sophie," he pleaded. "Give Luke a chance."
"A chance to explain away his other women?" she snapped without thought. "Oh, yes, daddy," she said with a sigh. "There have always been other women."
"I see." He bit his lip, shrugging. "Well, I tried."
"Yes, you did, and I'm grateful to you. Now I must get ready."
Nicholas's mother obviously hadn't yet forgiven her for marrying someone other than her son, although she began to mellow a. little over their coffee in the lounge. Sophie almost heaved a sigh of relief as the conversation began to flow a little easier. Nicholas had smoothed over a lot of his mother's barbed ;comments, but it had been a little wearing on the nerves.
"Your mother is keeping well?" she asked.
"Very well," Sophie confirmed.
"Of course I told Nicholas you weren't just staying at home to look after your mother. Now I've been proved right."
"Yes," Sophie acknowledged tightly, sure there was nothing this woman liked more than to be right.
"Nicholas tells me there could be some difficulty about a divorce."
"Mother—"
"Don't interrupt, Nicholas," his mother snapped. "I suppose an annulment is out of the question?" she addressed Sophie.
After the honeymoon they had spent together! "Definitely," she confirmed, resenting this woman's intrusion into her personal life.
Mrs. Sedgwick-Jones's nose wrinkled with distaste. "I thought so. He didn't look the sort of man not to have taken full advantage of having a wife."
"Look, I really don't—"
"You'll have to divorce him, of course," she continued, as if Sophie hadn't spoken. "I wouldn't want Nicholas to be named in a divorce."
"Now look—"
"Mother—"
"It will all have to be carried out very quietly," she carried on, ignoring their protests. "It wouldn't do to start your married life under a cloud.''
"I really think you're—"
"Mother!" Nicholas cut off Sophie's protest this time. "Don't interfere," he ordered.
She looked as if he had struck her. "Well! I was only trying to give you both a little sound advice." She folded her arms across her immense bosom. "But I realize that to you I must just seem like an interfering old woman."
She had deliberately set out to make Nicholas feel uncomfortable, and she had succeeded. "I didn't mean that, mother, and you know it."
"I'm sure I don't know any such thing. If a mother can't try and help her child, then it's a poor world we live in."
Sophie stood up to leave before the woman broke down and cried just for good measure. "I think you have the wrong impression of Nicholas and myself," she said stiffly. "We aren't getting married, not now or in the future."
"But—"
"And whether or not I divorce my husband is surely up to me and me alone," she continued. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be going. Thank you for dinner."
"Well, you ungrateful girl! I'm sure I was only trying to tell you what was best."
"For whom?" Sophie demanded angrily. "Certainly not for me. You can have no idea as to the state of my marriage, only my husband and I know that. I have no intention of divorcing Luke."
"But Nicholas said—"
Her angry gaze swept over the two of them. "Nicholas seems to have said altogether too much, Mrs. Sedgwick-Jones. I like your son, I like him very much, but I am certainly not going to marry him."
"Well!" And for once the woman seemed at a loss for words.
"Now I really to have to go," Sophie said politely. "Excuse me."
Nicholas caught up with her in the driveway. "Let me drive you home."
She was grateful for the offer, having made her grand exit, and realized she had no way of getting home except to walk there, but she didn't know if she should accept it, Nicholas seemed to have read far too much into her acceptance of his dinner invitation, and she didn't want him to think she was encouraging him if she accepted this offer of a lift.
"Come on, Sophie," he encouraged. "We can talk oh the way."
Perhaps that wouldn't be such a bad idea—at least she could finally try to convince him of her sincerity when she said she couldn't marry him. "Very well," she nodded coolly.
"I know mother was a bit heavy-handed," he began, once they were on their way, "but—"
"Heavy-handed!" Sophie scoffed. "She couldn't have been any more blunt if she had tried."
He grimaced. "Oh, but she could. She doesn't approve of my wanting to marry a divorced woman."
"But that's the whole point, Nicholas." She turned in her seat to look at him. "You aren't going to marry me. You shouldn't have deceived your mother in that way. I consider you wholly to blame for tonight's embarrassment."
"It was wishful thinking, Sophie."
"And that's all it can ever be," she said gently, her anger evaporating. "I did try to explain to you this afternoon, but you wou
ldn't listen."
"I guess I didn't want to. When he told me the two of you were getting married I felt as if the bottom had fallen out of my world. But when I found out you were living apart, I—well, it gave me new hope. I suppose I just hoped too much."
She bit her lip. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"But you're in love with him," he said dejectedly.
"Yes."
"Then why— Sorry, I'm interfering again."
"Why leave him?" she finished with a slight smile. "It's quite simple, Nicholas. He doesn't love me."
"But he married you!"
"Not because he loved me. No, it was a much more basic emotion than that."
"Oh."
She could see she had embarrassed him again! "Sorry, but you did ask." She squeezed his arm. "Thank you for bringing me home. And I hope I haven't made things too difficult for you with your mother."
He shrugged. "No more difficult than usual. She isn't an easy person to live with."
No, she could imagine she wasn't. "Thank you once again."
She made as little noise as possible going to her room, not that she thought she would disturb anyone, but because she wanted to be alone to think.
She had thought of Luke a lot the last five weeks, had thought of nothing else in fact, but she had tried to avoid analyzing her feelings toward him. But talking to Nicholas and his mother she had discovered that she didn't want to be apart from Luke any longer, was prepared to take the little he had to give her. Who knew, her love for him may one day penetrate through his physical desire for her, and he would perhaps feel a small measure of love for her.
But he had told her he wouldn't take her back. And he had meant it. He could even now have someone else living in the apartment with him. There was only one way to find out—go and see for herself.
It wasn't an easy decision to come to, to risk humiliation much worse than anything else she had ever known. But they had never had that talk Luke had suggested they have, never actually sat down and discussed anything. She thought it was time they did so.
She turned from removing her- makeup as there was a gentle knock on her bedroom door. She smiled at Rosemary as she came into the room.
"I thought I heard you come in." Rosemary came to sit on the bed, watching her ministrations. "You're back early."
"I should never have gone." She smoothed her newly cleansed face. "Nicholas's mother instantly started talking about my divorcing Luke and marrying Nicholas. You know how I feel about that."
"Divorcing Luke or marrying Nicholas?"
Sophie blushed. "Marrying Nicholas."
"Does that mean you're no longer sure about this separation from Luke? Your father said—"
"I've changed my mind since I spoke to him;" she cut in hurriedly.
"Since earlier this evening?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. Something you said to your father has been troubling me."
"What's that?"
' 'Well… you told him that Luke has other women.''
"Yes," she agreed stiffly.
"Well " Again Rosemary hesitated. "Do you really believe that?"
"I know it," she mumbled.
"Am I one of these women?"
Sophie was taken aback by the bluntness of the question. She cleared her throat noisily. "I— It—"
Rosemary was very pale. "Oh, God, I am." She shook her head. "All this time you've been thinking that Luke and I Oh, God!" she said again. "No wonder you couldn't bear to stay with him any longer. But it isn't true, Sophie, none of it's true."
Sophie was just as pale by this time. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that there has never been anything between Luke and myself that hasn't found its roots in my imagination. Luke would never involve himself with a married woman, and I would have probably run a mile if he had made any moves in my direction."
"But I— What about all those times you said you were going to meet him?”
"It was never intimately. We always met as a crowd, at a party or half a dozen or so of us going to the theater. I let you think I was meeting him alone because it made me feel young and attractive."
"You aren't exactly old!"
Rosemary sighed. "I know that, I've just felt it at times. You see, I had been a failure to your father—"
"I'm sure he's never thought so. He loves you, he's always loved you."
"But I hadn't given him the son he so badly wanted. You can have no idea how inadequate that made me feel. I resented you because he doted on you. Things became a little easier when you went away to school; there was no constant reminder of my childless state."
"I'm sure it never bothered daddy that much."
"Maybe not, but the seeds of resentment were there, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Then two years ago you left school completely; I couldn't take it and began to spend more and more time in London. There were plenty of men there who would have been only too willing to start an affair, but I chose to go after Luke." She smiled wryly. "The reason I chose him was because I knew I would never get him. But I wasn't prepared for his reaction to you," she added with a shake of her head.
Sophie licked her dry lips, shocked and upset by all that Rosemary was telling her, but realizing that in a way she was to blame. She had often shut her stepmother out of the closeness between her father and herself, had done it without realizing it, never knowing how much Rosemary had been hurt by it. She felt sure her father was just as ignorant of the facts.
"His.. his reaction to me?"
"Mmm," Rosemary smiled. "He seemed to take one took at you and that was that. The elusive Luke Vittorio had fallen in love with you. It seemed the final straw—the two men in my life both seeming to prefer you to me."
"Luke isn't in love with me," Sophie told her quietly.
"Of course he is," Rosemary scoffed. "Oh, I know he's never told you so, but he's told me.''
"W—when?"
"The day I went up to London for my tests. I called around to see you both, but only Luke was at home. We had quite a chat. He knew from the first that my outrageous behavior in chasing him was due to my jealousy of your closeness to your father."
"But that night—that night I followed you to his room?"
"An act of desperation on my part. I knew he had fallen for you, and I didn't like it. I thought that if I—well, never mind what I thought, one look at that painting was enough to tell rite what I wanted to know. I hated the fact that you were going to marry him, hated it and bitchily told you he would always be mine."
"And I believed you," Sophie said dully, so many things explained now. But could it really be true that Luke loved her? It didn't seem possible.
"I can see that now," Rosemary sighed. "I forgot I'd ever said it. You see, Sophie, your marriage to Luke suddenly seemed to give me a happiness I hadn't-felt since. your father and I were first married. Suddenly we were alone and-^well—" she blushed prettily "—I suppose this coming baby shows you that things were right between us again. After all these years——"
"And Luke knew all this, that I was to blame for the strain between you and daddy? "
She nodded. "He's very astute."
She could see it all now, could see the misunderstandings there had fen, the times they had talked at cross-, purposes—Sophie believing Luke to be talking about his affair with Rosemary, and Luke believing her to be talking about the rift she had caused in her parents' marriage, however unwittingly.
"Oh, mommy," her voice broke. "I have to go and see him, have to explain.''
"Explain what? That you love him? You do love him, don't you?"
"Yes," she admitted huskily. "Why did he never tell me how he felt, why let me think he only wanted—"
"Your body," Rosemary finished dryly. "Don't be embarrassed, Sophie. I told you we had quite a chat. He said that love was something you didn't want from him. But that isn't true, is it? These last few weeks you've been pining away for
him. "
"I wanted his love so badly that I had to leave him," she said ruefully. "It was hurting me too much to love him and think he only felt desire in return."
"Then go and see him and tell him so."
"I intend to."
SHE DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELEPHONE the apartment to tell Luke of her visit, wanting to see his reaction to her appearance without him having prior knowledge of her arrival. He could be very adept at hiding his true feelings, she knew that now.
She had risen very early this morning. The train journey from town to London seemed never ending. She was pale and thin, but the purple dress she wore managed to conceal this somewhat. Her tenseness reached breaking point as she altered the apartment building, barely conscious of acknowledging the doorman's polite greeting.
The apartment was in silence, with a completely unlived-in look about it. Dust covered the furniture. A quick look in the kitchen showed her the emptiness of the refrigerator. She slumped down in a chair. Luke wasn't here! It was something that hadn’t occurred to her, even though she knew he often traveled abroad.
What could she do now? She had no idea how long he was to be away. She could always stay here. The apartment looked as if it could do with a good cleaning, and if she were living here when Luke returned he could hardly throw her out.
She heard a crash from the direction of the studio and jumped to her feet. Someone was here. It had to be Luke! The sight that met her eyes when she entered the studio stopped her in her tracks. Far from being away, Luke was lying on the studio couch, a dark growth of beard on his chin.
Standing on easels in front of the couch were the two paintings of her—one of them the nude Rosemary that her father had been so shocked by, the other the portrait painted for her father. Luke had been right, it was the best work he had ever done—and had surely been painted through the eyes of a man in love. Oh, God, she hoped so!
Sophie walked over to stand in front of the couch on shaking legs, feasting her eyes on him. His black hair was -ruffled and untidy, but even so she could see it was much longer than he normally wore it, and he was very pale, deep lines etched beside his nose and mouth, a frown on his face even in sleep.
But what was he doing living among all this debris, the usual tidiness of the apartment completely erased? Well, whatever his reasons, he couldn't continue to live like this. She went into the bathroom, wetting the facecloth and coming back to squeeze the surplus water over his face.
Carole Mortimer - The Flame of Desire Page 16