by Faye Sonja
Jackson walked in through the door, his boots, shirt, and even hair thick with dust. Ava rushed over to the door as fast as she could, without her cane, to see what was wrong. "What's happened?" she asked. "You're covered in all manner of dirt and leaves, Jackson."
He shook himself off onto the floor as Ava looked on in dismay at the mess. She almost wanted to scold him to tell him that he could have at least shaken himself off outside, but she restrained herself.
"I don't want to talk about it," he said quietly, pushing past her.
"Jackson! Did something happen at the mine? Did it...was there an accident or something?"
He spun around, his eyes angry. "I've told you a hundred times, Ava! The mine is not going to collapse! That is the end of it, okay?"
"It's not the end of it though, is it?" Ava asked, placing her hands on her hips. She'd been hoping to confront her husband without the need to raise her voice, or have matters degenerate into a fight, but he'd come home in such a rotten mood and that now seemed impossible. If he was going to be short with her, then she had no choice but to be blunt back.
"Where is the money, Jackson?"
"I've told you Ava, it's coming!"
"It's coming?" she asked, aghast. She took a step backwards, and almost tumbled over. Steading herself on the table, she continued on. "This is the last day of the month, Jackson. This is the day I need to send the money back to Mama. She's counting on it. You promised Jackson! You promised!" Hot, large tears spilled down her cheeks in spite of her best efforts to contain them. She couldn't believe what was happening. How could Jackson let her down like this?
Jackson's face softened at the sight of Ava's tears. The anger drained away as he took a step towards her and tried to embrace her. "Ava, please don't cry."
She turned her face away, ashamed of her emotions. "I don't mean to cry. I'm just thinking about Mama, back in Philly, about how she has no one else to rely on...how she's relying on me, and how I'm letting her down." With that, Ava broke down in sobs, unable to hold back any longer.
"Ava..." Jackson took her into his big strong arms and tried to comfort her. "I'm sorry. I will get the money for you tomorrow. I promise."
"How?" Ava asked, still weeping.
"I'll figure out a way," Jackson said. "Shh, please don't worry any longer."
* * *
"Where did you get it from?" Ava demanded to know. "The money, Jackson. It couldn't have just fallen out of the sky!"
"Don't worry about where I got the money from," Jackson said, as though he wanted no further argument on the matter. "Just know that it's all taken care of. The money has been sent home to your Ma."
"You didn't do anything...illegal did you?"
"Of course I didn't! How could you ask such a thing!"
"Because..." Ava said, almost stamping her foot on the ground. "You have your head in the cloud, Jackson; it seems at times! Perhaps you've come up with some sort of short-sighted, silly scheme, or you've done something without thinking things through..."
"Oh, is that what you think of me?"
Ava tried to think of a way to speak delicately on the matter. "Sometimes, Jackson, you just see what is on the surface."
He frowned. "What do you mean by that?"
She glanced down at her left automatically before she could even think, and immediately tried to hide the action. This was the last topic that she wished to get into an argument about.
Ava caught the catch in Jackson's throat as he swallowed before speaking. "You think I am shallow even...when it comes to you?" he asked.
She shook her head lightly, but she looked away before catching his eye. "No - no, I didn't mean."
"Ava, if I've ever reacted...with caution regarding your impediment, it's only because I worry that you are having difficulty here in Gold Creek."
Her eyes snapped up and caught onto his. "Oh, so you do feel pity for me then?"
"Not pity. Just worry."
She felt her cheeks flushing hot as she tried to turn her face so that he couldn't see her. But without her cane in hand she had trouble turning without stumbling. Looking at the floor, she said, "You mean worried about what others are thinking, and saying?"
"I only worry about what they are thinking and saying if it upsets you!"
"Yeah right," Ava snapped back. "You worry that it reflects badly on you to have a crippled wife. You can't be the perfect town leader with me on your arm!"
Now Ava glanced up and noticed that it was time for Jackson's face to flush red. "If that's what you think then I have nothing more to say on the matter." He turned and started to walk towards the door, grabbing his hat off the table as he went.
"Jackson!" Ava called out. "We need to talk about this, not just leave it on such a bad note!"
"We'll talk later," Jackson replied, without looking back, shutting the door roughly behind him.
* * *
Ava sat herself down in the Church pew and leant her head forward to pray.
"God, please put peace in Jackson's heart. And give me the good grace to forgive him for any of his flaws."
As Ava sat in silence, the wood of the pew cool on her forehead, the hot Summer breeze blowing in from the back of the Church, she heard gentle footsteps walking up behind her.
"Jackson?" she asked, looking up quickly behind her.
"Sorry, just me." Clarabelle walked down the aisle, pink long skirt tugging along the floor as she went, strawberry blonde hair tied up modestly under a white bonnet.
"Oh," Ava said, straightening herself up, a bit embarrassed at having been spotted. She wasn't sure what to say to Clarabelle in such a setting.
Clarabelle came and sat beside her on a pew, leafing through a bible in front of her. "You know, you should join me and the other ladies for bible study some time."
Ava glanced over at her unsurely, not entirely trusting the other women. "Okay," she replied, then smiled. "That would be nice."
Clarabelle smiled back at her. "I noticed you've had a bit of a hard time around here since you arrived."
Ava turned her head. "Not too bad," she replied.
"That Jackson of yours is awful nice though, isn't he," Clarabelle continued on, absentmindedly, still leafing through her bible. "I bet he makes things easy on you."
"Yes," Ava replied simply, looking down at her palms. "He does."
* * *
Ava was already nodding off in her chair when Jackson came in.
"Ava?" he asked gently, placing a hand on her shoulder.
She opened her eyes, shaking her head. "Oh, I was falling asleep I think." She looked up at him lazily and smiled. "Are you okay? Where have you been?"
"Just down at the mine."
"At this time?"
"There's a lot to be done. Anyway," he said, taking a seat beside her. "Don't worry about that now. Ava, I'm so sorry about before."
"Shh," she said. "I'm the one who should be sorry. You got the money for us, and I threw it back in your face, accusing you of doing something bad to get it. I shouldn't have spoken like that."
"I should have had the money for you long before today," he replied, with some regret. "Ava, I brought you all the way out here to California, with the promise that you would be provided for, and I should have made sure of that."
"You did make sure of it in the end." Ava reached over and gingerly took Jackson's hand. He looked down at it and nodded. "I accused you of having your head in the clouds, but your ambition and drive is a good thing, really. It makes you work hard, not be lazy. You're even down at the mine after dark!"
He stroked her hand with his own. "You were right though Ava. I need to face up to reality sometimes as well." He lifted his head and gazed into her eyes. "And you're here now, to help me keep my feet on the ground."
* * *
6
An Accident
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“ With wha
t happened … being jilted at
the aisle. It's hardly a memory she can
ever forget, but now is the time to move on. ”
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Late Summer, 1849.
"You're looking bright and cheerful today," Jackson commented, admiring Ava in her new long red dress.
"It's not to ostentatious, is it?" she asked, spinning around.
"Not at all. I think you look lovely."
Ava stared at her husband for a second and smiled. It really did seem like things were turning around for her in Gold Creek. The gold mine was booming, she was making new friends at last, and she and Jackson were getting along better than they ever had. She was even starting to think...No, she had to keep those thoughts at bay. If she dared to let herself think that Jackson might actually fall in love with her...then she'd only wind up getting hurt. They may have been getting along better, but she still caught the look in his eye that he thought she didn't notice. The one that always looked disappointed.
No, Jackson wanted perfection; he'd been quite clear about that. And she wasn't perfect.
Still, she had things to look forward to now. Jackson had provided for her and her ma, leaving Ava's mind at ease, finally. She felt as though she was walking around lighter now, knowing that her ma was taken care of.
"Where are you off to today then?" Jackson asked. "You must have a special reason for dressing up?"
Ava nodded, feeling the butterflies in her stomach. "I'm meeting up with some of the ladies from Church, for bible study. I think we might be becoming friends," she beamed.
"I'm pleased for you," Jackson said, standing up and giving her a peck on the cheek. "Well, I'm needed off down at the mine, so I need to be off."
"Of course," Ava said. "I'll see you back her in time for dinner."
He smiled at her before taking off out the front door. As Ava stood, admiring her new red dress in the mirror, she tried not to read too much into Jackson's actions. When he'd kissed her on the cheek, she still felt...a reservation from him. As though the action was simply him going through the motions, playing the role of the husband, doing what he was supposed to do, but not with any real feeling. Sometimes, she felt as though he couldn't wait to get away from her to get to the gold mine.
She told herself not to worry, that it didn't matter anyway. She hadn't come to Gold Creek for romance. She'd come to take care of her family. Now that she was doing just that, she could relax a little. There was no sense filling her head with ridiculous ideas about her and Jackson. It was what it was. If God had any greater plans for them, then He'd let those plans be known in due course. She needed to stop fussing and fretting.
Smiling at her reflection, she noticed that there was more color in her cheeks than there had ever been before. She barely recognized herself without her trademark ivory complexion. Her skin was still fine and creamy, but there was now a pleasant rosy pink to her cheeks, and she was sure of a sparkle in her eyes that she hadn't seen in a long time.
* * *
As she approached the church doors, she made the decision to leave her cane outside. The women at church had been polite to her and not been nosey about her handicap, but she still didn't want to draw any more attention to it than was necessary.
She lay the delicate object against the white walls of the church and straightened up her dress. She was a little nervous, but looking forward to the occasion to socialize. Although Jackson was trying his best, she did miss the company of other friends, and the loneliness had started to weigh on her. As she was a little early, she wondered if she should wait outside for the other ladies to show. No, she thought. It is better to get myself settled and comfortable before they get here. If they see me struggling, they will only feel pity for me.
It was then that she heard the strains of the women's voices coming from the other side of the church walls. Oh, they are already here, she thought. She wondered if she should take her cane in after all, or if she could manage without it. She didn't wish for the others to see her struggling.
While debating what to do, she heard one of the women, Miss Clarabelle talking loudly. "She just doesn't seem...right for the town somehow, does she? So prim and proper."
The other women murmured in agreement, while Ava's heart began to quick, the blood rising to her face. Surely, they couldn't be talking about her, could they? They'd all made it look like they were her friends, to her face. Surely, they wouldn't be so two-faced as to speak like this behind her back?
"And she just doesn't seem right for Jackson!" Another woman exclaimed.
Ava grabbed her cane, fumbling it in her hands in her hast to get away. Her hand began to shake as she tried to steady herself on the uneven ground. Right then she longed for the carefully paved roads of Philadelphia, not the uneven, unpaved so-called 'roads' of this two-horse town.
Oh, why did I ever come to this place? she thought, her head hot with the embarrassment of what she had overheard. People here have no manners at all! How can they judge me, without even knowing anything about me? “Prim and proper," they said! Well, if I may appear reserved, it is for very good reason! What am I supposed to do? Get down in the dirt and dig with the miners?
She stopped and took a few deep breaths. Her new dress was tighter than she was used to, and the heat was getting to her, along with the flush of hurt she'd felt back at the church. She didn't want to let her hurt and anger take over. Please God, she prayed. Give me the grace to show forgiveness to the women for what they've said about me.
The church door opened, and she turned quickly, wishing to get away. She grabbed her cane, and took off down the lane so fast that she didn't see the man coming towards her in the other direction.
"Why, missy? What's happened?" Horton asked, taking in the sight of Ava's distress.
"Oh, nothing," she said, struggling to gain her composure. She certainly hadn't meant to run right into the man, especially not at such a moment.
"I can tell something is wrong my dear. What is it?" he asked, more kindly this time. "I don't like to see such a pretty thing as you are upset like this."
She glanced up at him. Pretty? No one had ever called her that before. Averting her gaze again, she simply said, "I will be alright, no need to fuss over me."
Horton glanced over her shoulder at the church that stood in the background. "Nothing happened in there, did it? It wasn't those women from the church group, was it? That have got you so upset?"
"Oh no, it's nothing like that." Ava didn't wish to speak badly of anyone else, no matter what they had said about her first. Besides, she still didn't trust this Horton fellow, but it was nice to have someone show some concern for her in this way and to say that she was pretty.
He put a hand out and touched her on the arm. Ava looked down at it in alarm and quickly pulled her arm back. Flustered, she tried to look for a way to escape when, in the distance, she looked up and saw Jackson staring at them.
"Jackson, I thought you were down at the mines today," Ava said, straightening up as her husband approached.
"Get out of here Horton," he said roughly.
"I'm just concerned about your wife," Horton replied, with indignation. "The poor thing is upset."
"I'm okay, really," Ava spoke up, quietly.
"What's wrong Ava?" Jackson said, turning back to her.
"I really don't wish to speak about it. Can we just return home, please?"
Jackson turned back to Horton and commanded him to scram. Horton tried to protest, but Jackson stood up to him and told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to get out of Jackson's sight.
"What was going on between you?" Jackson asked Ava, once Horton had scurried off down the road, round the corner, into the bar.
Ava shook her head in shock. "Why, nothing of course! What are you saying?"
"He looked like he was getting close to you, Ava."
She was horrified. "I accidentally ran into him as I was leaving the church. I wasn't watching where I was going! All he was doing was
asking if I was alright. Which is more than I can say for you right now! Of course you don't care if I am truly okay, you're just worried about how things may look to others!"
He glanced around the town to make sure they weren't making a scene. "Well, this looks incredibly bad to others Ava! Right in the middle of the town like this, talking with Horton, letting him put a hand on your arm."
"Letting? Jackson I can't believe that you would say something like that to me."
Jackson stopped speaking for a moment, needing to stop to draw breath as he was so furious.
"How could you possibly accuse me of something like that?" Ava asked, the tears springing to her eyes.
"I'm not accusing you of anything, I'm just asking, Ava."
"So you don't trust me at all then, is that it?"
"Ava I just want to know what you were doing talking to Horton like that. You don't understand, this is a very small community, and people will talk."
"You think I don't know about gossip, about how scandals can destroy lives?" Ava asked. "I know all too well Jackson. You don't need to lecture me. If you thought even for a second that I would do anything like what you're accusing me of, then you really don't know me at all."
Jackson was silent for a full minute. "To be honest, I don't feel like I know you very well Ava. After all this time, you still haven't allowed yourself to open up to me at all."
She was taken aback even further. "Jackson, I've been as open and honest with you as I've...well, as I've felt able to be, under the circumstances!" She thought about what the women in the church had said about her prim and proper manner. Did even her husband think the same of her? That she was so cold and reserved? She had her reasons for her actions. And if she'd been slow in opening up to Jackson, it was only because he seemed so concerned with perfection, and the way things looked on the outside, that she wasn't sure she trusted that she could be vulnerable with him. If anything, it was he who was reserved with her; holding things back, like the financial situations and lying to her about where he'd been going that day.