by Faye Sonja
"I'm going home," Ava stated firmly, digging her cane into the ground. "You can come with me if you please, or stay here so the rest of the town can gawk at you!"
* * *
Jackson didn't come back to the home till later that night. Once Ava's anger had cooled, she began to worry if he was alright, and when he finally came in the door after sun down, she felt the relief flood her body.
He laid his hat down on the table. "I'm sorry about before, Ava," he said, taking a seat. "There was more going on than I had explained to you."
Ava nodded, willing and grateful to hear an explanation from him. She took a seat across from him. "What was going on then?" she asked gently. When his response wasn't immediate, she pressed a little. "What were you doing in town when you said you were going to the mine?"
"I didn't want to worry you Ava, but I wasn't feeling too well. I'd intended to head straight to the mine, but decided to head into town to see Doc instead."
"Oh no..." Ava said, reaching her hand out instinctively to grab Jackson's hand. "Are you feeling ill still? What are the symptoms?"
He squeezed her hand back and Ava felt warmth in her stomach. "I'm much better now. He gave me some medicine to take and it seems to have done the trick. Honestly, I just didn't want you to worry if it turned to out to be nothing."
"I understand," Ava replied. "But you can share things like this with me. I'm your wife after all, Jackson. I want to know what your troubles are so I can share them." She stopped speaking for a moment, before adding, "You know I don't like it when you keep things from me."
"You have enough to worry yourself with Ava, that's all."
She brought her hand back, breaking the embrace. "I see. You think I can't handle knowing things. You think I am very fragile. Well, I'm not. I think I can handle knowing that my husband is feeling a little under the weather!"
He sighed. "Ava I didn't..."
"So is that the only reason you overreacted so much to seeing me talking with that man? Because you were feeling ill?"
"That's one of the reasons," Jackson uttered quietly.
"One of the reasons? What else are you keeping from me?"
Jackson swallowed before going on to explain. "Horton is the person I borrowed the money from, for your Ma."
Ava pushed her chair back, her mouth dropping open. "Why'd he lend you money for? Jackson, I don't understand."
"Ava, it's a long story. He agreed to give me the loan if I helped to establish him as Marshal for the town."
Ava was horrified. She'd had enough of these sort of political dealings back in Philadelphia. "So that's where you got the money from, then?" Ava said, shaking her head. "Jackson, I can't believe I am hearing this."
"What was I supposed to do, Ava? You were desperate, and I couldn't let you down..."
"You have let me down though! Don't you see that?"
"Ava, I am trying my absolute best to be a good husband to you, despite all the difficulties...," he stopped when he caught the expression on her face.
"All the difficulties?" she asked, her voice shaking. "I see. Being married to me is a huge difficulty. Well, if I am such a burden for you to manage, then maybe I'll just go!"
"Ava I didn't mean it like that. I don't mean to say that you are difficult, just the circumstances we find ourselves in..."
"I know exactly what you mean." She pushed her chair in roughly and took off out of the room, struggling without her cane, but refusing to let that stop her.
"Ava where are you going? We're not done talking."
She stopped and turned back around to him slowly. She felt a stillness enter her and she spoke plainly. "With all that has happened today, Jackson, I feel as though I have come to a decision. You're right. And the women at the church were right. I don't belong here; I don't fit at all. I've been fooling myself all this time that things would work out, and that ours could ever be a true marriage, one where you love me. You look at me, Jackson, and all you see is my limp, and my fragility, and everything I can't do. You said it yourself - the difficulties. Well, this is the final straw for me. If you've obtained money in a less than honest way, I'd be better off going back to Philadelphia and taking care of my Mama in my own way."
After her long speech, she waited, breathless, for a response, assuming that Jackson would tell her she was wrong, that he needed her there in Gold Creek, that she was talking foolishly, that he couldn't bear to see her leave.
Instead, he looked up at her sadly, and nodded.
"Perhaps you're right," he said quietly.
* * *
7
Jackson Takes Ill
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“ With what happened … being jilted at
the aisle. It's hardly a memory she can
ever forget, but now is the time to move on. ”
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It was the longest, darkest night of Ava's life as she stayed up late into the evening packing up her belongings. As she picked up the red dress, the memories from the church came flooded back, hitting her in the stomach. Yes, she was making the right decision. She'd asked for a sign from God to show her whether she belonged in Gold Creek or if she should leave, and she'd received one. There was no point in blaming the women, or holding a grudge against them. Their words had simply confirmed what she'd known for some time: that she was an odd fit in this rough mining town. An impossible fit. Everything here was so foreign to her. From the weather, to the people, to the different manners...No, it was better she return home.
What was left for her in Gold Creek? She shoved the red dress into her bag roughly without even bothering to fold it properly. With her white and blue lace dress, she was a little more careful. The dress brought back memories of the first time she had met Jackson at the station. She almost laughed sweetly to think of how he'd seemed nervous to meet her, and how kind he had been to her that day.
How much hope she had kept hidden. Because, deep down, she had hoped, on that day - the day of their wedding - that Jackson could love her. But that hope had never panned out. Yes, he'd been kind, and taken care of her when he'd had to, but she always felt as though he was at arm's length. The way he looked at her with - she hated to even think the word - pity. He pitted her, and treated her like a fragile flower who was going to snap off her stem if anything touched her.
And when she'd told him she wanted to leave, he'd agreed. Hadn't even tried to convince her to stay. That hurt more than anything.
* * *
It was the middle of the night, with her bags almost packed, that Ava heard the sound of something breaking coming from the kitchen.
"Jackson?" she called out, from the sitting room. When there was no reply, she assumed it must have been an empty jar or a vase toppling over, and decided not to investigate if she didn't have to. Her injury was playing up, so no sense in making unnecessary movements.
With the last of her belongings packed, Ava stood up and blew out the candle, before heading towards the kitchen. She intended to make sure there was no glass laying around on the floor before she left. Despite everything, she wouldn't want Jackson to wake up in the morning before the sun had risen, and to cut his feet in broken glass.
There, in the pale moonlight coming in through the window, she saw him lying on the floor: Jackson, still, as though the life had completely drained from him.
Ava dropped to her knees besides him. In that moment, there was no pain in her leg at all, and she seemed to move easily as she bent over to check his pulse, noticing that there was a broken jug lying next to him on the cold ground. He must have knocked it over as he'd fallen. Must have been trying to get a drink of water before he'd collapsed.
She didn't have very much experience in nursing, but Ava could tell he still had a pulse, was still breathing. She reached a palm against his forehead. He was boiling up, his forehead sweaty. A bad fever had taken hold. Ava looked around despe
rately, trying to figure out how she could get Jackson up off the ground on her own. She managed to get herself up by using the table to hoist her, but she had no idea how she was supposed to lift a 140 pound man in her condition?
She began to breathe heavily, a panic overtaking her. Oh, why had Jackson ever sent for her to be his wife? He was right to be disappointed in what he'd gotten. He deserved a wife who could at least take care of him when he was deadly ill, not some kind of invalid who was useless in an emergency.
Ava clasped her hands in a prayer motion and began to pray. Please God, show me a way to help Jackson. Please forgive me for my intentions to leave him. I promise I will stay, and do my best to be a good wife to him, if you will please spare his life. Please show me the way, God.
* * *
The long night continued, as Ava stayed up till dawn, keeping Jackson's forehead cool with water and towels, until finally Doc was able to arrive just after sun break.
"The poor man...," Doc murmured, helping Ava move him to the bed.
"Thank you," Ava said. "I was no use on my own; I'm afraid."
"Nonsense," Doc whispered, as Jackson lay, dead asleep, beside them. "You've been more than useful, looking after him all night, keeping his fever low. He would be in a far worse state if you hadn't known what to do."
Ava glanced over at Jackson, worried. "Do you know what's wrong with him, Doc?"
Doc scratched his chin. "Hard to say. Could be scarlet fever; I'm afraid."
"Oh gosh," Ava said, bringing her hands up to her face. "He could be out of action for weeks! What about the mine? Who will take care of things down there?"
Doc reached over and gently placed his hand on her shoulder. "Perhaps, that responsibility will lay on your shoulders for a short while child." He smiled at her kindly. "I know you've got it in you."
* * *
Finally, after two weeks had passed, Jackson was able to open his eyes to look at his wife. It was through fresh eyes that he now saw her.
"Ava...," he said, his face lighting up in a weak smile.
"Shh," she said, holding out the spoon of soup for him to sip on. "You need to eat something Jackson. You're practically fading away in this bed."
He groaned. "The mine.."
"Don't worry about all of that. I've taken care of everything," she replied matter of factly. "The mine is running better than it ever has been."
His voice was croaky. "You've taken care of it? But how?"
"See? I'm not as weak as you've thought I was," Ava said, chuckling a little as she continued to spoon the soup into his mouth. "I've been down there every day, overseeing things."
"What about your leg? How have you been managing?" His face was contorted into concern, as he thought about Ava making the three mile journey there and back every day.
"My leg's actually started feeling better," she said, thoughtfully, putting the spoon down as she mulled over the matter. "It's the strangest thing. You know what? I think the warm weather out here has made the world of difference. As long as I don't overstrain myself, the exercise seems to be good for me as well. I'd been so used to being closed off indoors, thinking that's what was best for me. It turns out it was just the opposite."
Jackson reached over and grasped her hand in his. "Ava...I'm just remembering that terrible fight we had before I got ill." He opened his eyes wide and stared at her as though he was seeing her properly for the first time. "You were…you were about to leave, weren't you?" He laid his head back in the pillow and shut his eyes tight, wincing at the memory. "I told you to go...," he murmured, with remorse.
When he opened his eyes again, Ava could see the sorrow and regret swimming in them. "Hush now," she said. "None of that matters."
"Ava, I never really meant for you to leave. I never wanted you to, my love, you need to know that. I was just worried about you here in Gold Creek. Wondering if you could really cope. I didn't want to have a tougher life out here than you needed to. I thought, if being back in Philly was the best thing for you, then I should just let you go. Please know that in my heart, I never wanted you to actually leave me."
She nodded. This was all she wanted to hear. These are the words she'd wanted to hear that night when she'd started packing her bags. They were now empty again, her belongings returned to their rightful positions in their house.
"Ava, there's still something I need to tell you. I've realized that 'being perfect' doesn't mean everything. Things are put into perspective when you become so ill. Look at me lying here, I can't be perfect when I'm sick. No one can be perfect. And nothing can ever be perfect, can it?"
Ava shook her head. "There's no such thing as perfect, my love."
"I still can't believe that you've been taking care of the mine all on your own, Ava." He beamed with pride as he looked at her. "I see now that you are very capable and that I've been treating you like you are too feeble. Now I see your strength, Ava. Laying here now, looking at you, I can see you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."
Now these were the words Ava had longed to hear for so long. She felt as though she might just burst with all the happiness she was feeling.
"Can you forgive me for being so pig-headed? So foolish?" Jackson asked, pleading with her.
"Of course I can, my love. Of course."
After the longest time, Ava was finally starting to feel at home at Gold Creek. Life in Philly now seemed like a distant, cold memory. Looking after Jackson had brought them closer than she'd ever imagined it could. For once in her life, she'd started to feel useful, as if she had a purpose. And sitting there besides her now recovered husband, she thanked God that he was still alive, and that they had this second chance to start over again.
Yes, things were staring to look just about perfect. Ava even let herself hope, for a moment, that there could be such a thing as perfect. What else would you call this wonderful new life she'd found for herself?
* * *
8
A Disaster
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“ With what happened … being jilted at
the aisle. It's hardly a memory she can
ever forget, but now is the time to move on. ”
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start of Winter,
1850.
As the New Year dawned in Gold Creek, Ava was surprised how warm California could be in the Winter. Reaching down to rub her old family injury, she marveled at how well she was thriving in her new environment.
The love had never been stronger between Ava and Jackson, and the unhappy times had faded away with the changing of the year. As far as Ava was concerned, all the old miseries and resentments had faded away. She'd forgiven, and almost forgotten. Her days were spent, happy and jolly, as she alternated between tending to the house, going to Church and socializing, and overseeing the mine. Jackson had made a full recovery, but having run the mine in his absence, she no longer wanted to go back to feeling useless. She enjoyed her time out there, loved the feeling of the sun on her cheeks, and the way the air filled her lungs, refreshing her. Plus, she enjoyed being involved in the running of the business, and the sense of purpose she gained from taking a hands on role.
Still, something troubled her about the way things were being run down at the creek. Something she couldn't quite put her finger on.
* * *
On this particular morning, Jackson offered his arm out for Ava to link hers through. "Let me know if you're not up for the walk," he said.
"To be honest, my leg hasn't been feeling that good the last day or so..." Ava said, her face furrowed. Then, shaking her head, she looked up brightly and linked her arm through Jackson's for support. "But I'm sure it's going to be fine."
"Well, I trust your judgement in that matter," Jackson said, leaning over to give her a kiss on her forehead before she tied her bonnet to her head.
They took off slowly over the land. "You know, I've
been thinking...," Jackson said, "that we should build a new home out here, to be closer to the creek."
"Why was the town built so far away from the creek in the first place?"
"Didn't seem so far at the time," Jackson stated. "But it's better to build the town a little away from the creek, just in case of flooding...or..." he trailed off.
"Or what?" Ava asked. They kept walking for a moment in silence. "Jackson, you're not still worried about the mine collapsing, are you? It's secure now, we saw to that. There's nothing to worry about now."
He remained silent for several paces. "Of course not."
* * *
"That's strange..." Jackson murmured.
"What is?" Ava asked, surveying the site. They were standing above the mine on the grassy plains, looking down into the pit.
"It's empty."
"You didn't give everyone the morning off, and forget about it, did you?" Ava teased. "You have been a little tired lately Jackson."
He shook his head and broke free of her, unlinking his arm from hers. "No, all the men should be down here well before now. They should have started at dawn."
"At DAWN?" Ava repeated, thinking that was very strange indeed. "Since when do you make your workers start at dawn, Jackson?" But he was already walking around the edge of the pit, peering in, trying to see what was going on.
Ava was still flummoxed, trying to figure out why the miners would have been starting so early in the morning. Perhaps they've been pushed so hard they've decided to go on strike, Ava thought to herself. She could hardly have blamed them.