by Carmen Faye
The irony wasn’t lost on me, either. I used women either for information and fucking or just for fucking. I didn’t want any strings attached. When they got clingy, I got mean until they went away. It was something I’d always done.
Now, for the first time, I met a woman that was more than just that. She was someone I couldn’t afford to fall for, so I’d tried to keep myself distant, but it wasn’t that easy with her. Leah was the kind of person that drew you in no matter who you were and what you did. So, at the end of it, there was something, but less than it could have been because I hadn’t let it happen. A woman had finally tamed the beast.
And then she’d used me and left me the way I’d always left them. She’d done to me what I always did to people. Sure, maybe it wasn’t for personal benefit in the sense of information, but she’d gotten other things from me. And I was angry about it. Not just because of her, but because reality was a cunning bitch and karma had come around and slapped me so hard I wasn’t sure which way was up.
Yeah, I had all of this coming to me.
I pulled to a stop, a wide spot in the road that overlooked the ocean. Did I think I could get away from it forever? Well, truthfully, I did. Turned out I wasn’t always charming enough to get my own way, after all.
I watched the ocean, lost in thought as I smoked a cigarette, trying to think of a way to salvage something, anything, from the mess I’d created. The more I thought about it, the more I realized there was only one way out. I was going to have to go to Leah and force her to tell me what she knew.
I threw the cigarette aside in disgust. I’d become useless and weak. I’d let emotions get in the way of doing what needed to be done. And I was still doing it.
“Fuck,” I snarled. I started the bike, stomped it into gear, and then gunned it back onto the road, revving the engine hard before kicking it into the next gear. I was abusing the machine for no reason other than it made me feel better to take my anger out on something.
It was time to go face the consequences of my actions.
Chapter Twenty-six
When I finally rumbled back into town, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked it like some bitch. I wanted a message or a missed call from her. I was being an idiot, but I couldn’t help it.
When there was nothing on my phone, I got angry again. I liked being angry. It kept all the other emotions at bay, and even though my reasoning was a little unpredictable when I was angry, it was better than wallowing in self-pity.
I rode to the club. I wasn’t welcome there the way I used to be, but it was still home, and I had nowhere else to go. That was what happened when you sacrificed everything for something, whether they returned the favor or not. I never used to wonder about the fairness of it all, but now I did.
Butch was in the clubhouse when I arrived, but there was no one else around.
“So, do you have some good news for me or do you have another pussified excuse?” he asked. I knew what he wanted. Intel. I didn’t have any for him. In fact, I had less now that I had a couple of days earlier.
“Yes.” When in doubt, sound fucking confident.
Butch paused and looked at me, his face expectant. When I didn’t say anything, he raised his eyebrows. “Well? Let’s fucking hear it.”
I cleared my throat. “I got rid of the woman. She had nothing more to offer. I made sure she’s not in the picture anymore.” Butch didn’t have to know that she was the one that had ended it. He didn’t have to know that she’d bruised my ego and that I was in a bad mood because of it. I put on my charming smile, my happy-go-lucky mask, and lied to his face.
“That’s mighty fucking big of you,” Butch said, and I frowned at the sarcasm. We rarely fought things out with tacky verbal hits. Instead, we usually used our fists.
I narrowed my eyes. “What?”
Butch shrugged as the corners of his mouth pointing down. “I got some fucking info from someone else. They weren’t such a pussy and actually knew something.”
I narrowed my eyes even more. As far as I knew I was the only one that knew anything. I was the only one they all trusted not to be a mole.
“Really.” I tried not to sound too panicked.
Butch nodded, his lips twisting into a nasty smile. “She’s been playing you, and you were her little bitch.”
The words felt like they jabbed me in the chest one by one. Breathe. Stay calm. “What’re you talking about?”
Butch’s smile was menacing, like somehow he knew what he was doing and he was enjoying it. Either that, or he was enjoying my fall from glory. “That little cock holster has been withholding information from you.”
I frowned. A lot of things were possible, but that was one thing that wasn’t. “You’re wrong.”
Butch barked a laugh. “I found out the cock smoker was involved in Jonas’s disappearance. Maybe that’s why she’s so tightlipped about it.” He’s smile grew nastier still. “Were her lips tight around your cock? I bet they were. I hear she’s smoking hot.”
My ears started ringing. This couldn’t be happening. I felt like the floor was tilting under my feet, and gravity was working against me. I felt faint. I reached out for one of the high tables nearby and hoped Butch didn’t realize I was losing my shit.
“We’re going after her, and we’ll find out what the fuck happened to Jonas. Maybe some of the brothers will loosen her lips. Maybe her pussy and ass too.”
I swallowed hard and nodded. I wasn’t going to contradict him now. I didn’t believe him, though. Leah was too innocent. She was too sweet. Sure, she was complicated as hell, and she had a lot of hang-ups, but she wasn’t someone who would be involved in a murder. I didn’t know her very well, but I knew enough to know that Butch’s information was wrong.
I had to reach her. I had to find Leah and tell her that she was in danger. I had to accept that it was all my fault, too. There was no way it wasn’t because of me this time. It hadn’t been before, but this time she was in danger directly because of her involvement with me.
“Fine!” I snarled before I turned on my toe and stomped away, mounted up, and got the fuck away from there. I pulled out my phone as soon as I was far enough away from the club to be able to freak out and not crack my reputation. I dialed her number and waited for it to ring. It rang until it rolled over to voicemail. The moment her voice sounded over the speaker to tell me I had to leave a message I hung up and dialed again. I needed to talk to her.
I called two more times, and both times it went directly to voicemail. She’d turned her phone off. I left a message.
Leah! Call me as soon as you get this! You’re in danger! I’m not fucking around, and this isn’t a joke! Call me!
I was aware it sounded pathetic, but I didn’t want to say so much that she panicked and I didn’t want to say so little she didn’t take it seriously. I started my bike again, and it roared into the night, making it to her place in record time.
All the lights in her duplex were off, but her car was there. I walked to the door and hammered on it as I called her name. I needed to talk to her. I would get to her no matter what it took, even if it meant I had to kick in the fucking door.
There was no answer. I gave the door a kick in frustration then stepped to the side to see if the windows were unlocked.
“What are you doing?” I turned to face an exotic beauty. Her face was suspicious, and she had her hand in her handbag like she had mace or a weapon in there. I held up my hands, trying to be non-threatening.
“I’m just looking for Leah. She’s not answering my calls, and it’s important.”
She looked at me for a while before speaking. “You’re that guy she talks about.”
I didn’t know she’d mentioned me. “Are you a friend?” I asked.
She nodded. “Abby. But Leah probably isn’t here. She left earlier.”
“Her car is here. I need to speak to her,” I said as I slowly lowered my hands. She didn’t protest, but she didn’t remove her hand from her purse, eit
her.
“I told you, she’s not here. She rented a car because hers is a piece of shit.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I took her to get the car.”
“I need to speak to her. Have her open the door.”
Abby looked at me as if I were stupid. “What part of ‘she’s not here’ didn’t you understand?”
“You didn’t answer the question. If she’s not here, why are you here?”
“I came to take in her mail, and maybe clean up her place a little bit.”
Dammit. If I hadn’t gone on my run but met up with Butch instead, I would have been able to save her. Now she was gone.
“Where’d she go?”
Abby shook her head. “She wouldn’t tell me. She needed to—”
“Get away. Yeah, she said that. I know,” I finished for her, trying to hurry the conversation along.
Abby nodded slowly. “What’s this about?” she asked.
“Did she tell you anything, anything at all? Anything you can use to find her?”
Abby shook her head. “When Leah needs space she makes sure she gets it. She ignores everyone and everything. She’ll contact you again when she’s ready.”
“I don’t think so,” I said. “She broke it off with me.”
Abby looked surprised. Turned out Leah didn’t tell her everything, after all.
“Why are you here then? Shouldn’t you leave her alone, if that’s what she wants?”
The question was very accusing, and under any other circumstances, I wouldn’t have cared. But this time there was so much more at stake.
“You know what, sister, if I was just a clingy stalker that would be the least of her worries. But it’s not that simple. She got involved with the wrong crowd, and now her life is in danger. So, if you know anything at all and you want to save her life, you need to tell me what you know.”
Abby’s face changed from mild suspicion and irritation to horror.
“Her life is in danger?”
I nodded. “It is. The guys that are after her are serious, and if I don’t find her, and soon, it will be too late.”
Chapter Twenty-seven
Abby didn’t know where Leah was. That was ridiculous. Since when did girls not know where their friends were? Women were a different species, and they gossiped all the time. It was starting to piss me off.
I tried to phone Leah after I left her place. I still couldn’t get through. The first couple of times I’d tried it had just rung and then gone through to voicemail. Now, the line went dead. A connection couldn’t even be made. Which meant she’d blocked me. I could see how it might look bad—all my missed calls—but it had been for her own safety.
Still, if she just would answer the fucking phone she would have known what the hell it was all about, wouldn’t she? She would know that I was just trying to look out for her, which was ironic considering all this shit was because of me in the first place.
I should just leave her alone, as Abby said. The thought crossed my mind. I owed her nothing. I’d wanted information from her, but the whole thing hadn’t been intentional. If the club suspected her of being involved, it wasn’t my problem.
I should have been able to go home and go to bed with a clear conscience. I should just get on my bike and ride home. That was exactly what I was going to do. I wasn’t going to let this bother me because there was no reason it should affect me.
I parked in front of my apartment and sighed. I was just trying to fool myself, and doing a piss-poor job at it. I took a deep breath. There was no way I would be able just to let Leah go and let whatever happen to her happen. I had always been able to shrug people off like that, but not her.
I didn’t know what it was about her either. I didn’t know if it was the fact that she was so damn innocent it almost broke my heart. Or maybe it was her big blue eyes and blond hair with bob that made her look like she couldn’t do anything wrong and she shouldn’t have been let loose in a world such as ours. It could be the fact I felt sorry for her.
Or maybe I’d fallen for her, and even though everything else was just as heartbreaking, I didn’t want something to happen to her because I actually cared about her as a person. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I loved her. That was just too much. People like me didn’t expect love and people like Leah weren’t supposed to love people like me. I wasn’t waiting for a happily ever after, but there was some kind of feeling that haunted me whenever I thought of washing my hands of her. With a snarl, I thumbed the starter button to bring the hog to life again, instead of getting off my bike and going into the apartment.
I was losing time. I had to find her. I didn’t know what they were going to do to her. It was sad to say, but the truth was that even though I called the club members my brothers, I didn’t know for a fact that I could trust them. Not with Leah. And lately, not with my life, either. I was starting to think I’d put my faith in the wrong people.
If they found her before I did, she was going to be in trouble and whatever they were going to do to her wasn’t going to be pretty. She thought she’s had problems now? She didn’t have any idea the problems she was going to inherit if I didn’t find her. She would see and experience things that she wouldn’t be able to deal with.
I had the feeling I’d already made that worse than it needed to be. I was the one that had caused this by not coughing up what I needed to, or writing her off as a dead-end. I’d let my emotions get involved, and I’d kept her around longer than I should have, and now she was in danger.
I was just a fucking asshole.
The only thing that made me feel even the slightest bit better was the fact that if I couldn’t find her, then probably nobody could. There was no one that knew where she was, not even her best friend. It wasn’t much of a consolation, but it was something.
I made my way to the Rat and Parrot. I needed a drink, badly, but I wasn’t planning on touching alcohol tonight. I needed information, and if there was anyone in this town that had seen Leah, it was Conrad.
He wasn’t behind the bar. I sat down at a table and waited. After half an hour he still didn’t show, and I flagged down the woman working the bar.
“What will it be?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I’m looking for Conrad.”
“It’s his off night.”
“Where’s he live?” She looked me up and down and frowned. I knew that face all too well. It was the face that told me I couldn’t be trusted because I looked like a badass biker that was full of shit. And she was right. I was all that, but this was about something important. This time, it wasn’t about my own life or my own agenda. It was about Leah’s.
“I need to find out something from him, or someone we both know could be in real danger.” The sentence was cryptic as hell, and probably made me look like a real idiot, but I was past the point of caring. She still didn’t want to give me his address. I rolled my eyes.
“For fuck’s sake. I’ve known the guy for years. If I were really going to cause that much trouble, I wouldn’t have come here to tell you that I’m looking for him and give you the chance to call the cops on me. I just want to talk, okay? A woman’s in trouble.”
None of my words got through to her until I mentioned that a woman was in trouble. That was something that got to every woman I knew. She took a deep breath, hesitated just a moment longer, and pulled a napkin closer. She scribbled an address on it with a pen and pushed it over the bar toward me. The one corner was wet from alcohol that had been spilled on the bar. The address was more than enough for me to go by.
“Thank you,” I said, and I meant it. She nodded and looked like she regretted it already. I turned around and walked out of the bar.
Conrad’s place was close to Leah’s. It annoyed me even though there was absolutely no reason to be annoyed about it. This wasn’t the largest city in the state, and everyone lived close to someone.
I rang the doorbell and waited. No response. I rang it again and waite
d, shuffling my weight from one foot to the other. I looked up. The night sky was dark, the clouds blocking the stars and a stiff wind blew in from the waterside. This was standard coast weather. It irritated me tonight, too.
I turned away from the door. Where the fuck was he?
The door behind me rattled with a burglar chain being removed, and then it opened.
“Well,” Conrad said when I turned around. “You’re the last person I expected to see on my doorstep.”
I nodded. “You and me both.”
He pulled up an eyebrow. “What do you want?” The question was hostile. I didn’t care.
“Do you know where Leah is?”
Conrad narrowed his eyes, and the confused look made him look that much more like a GQ model. Conrad and I had the same kind of looks, but he used his for good, and I used mine for evil. We used to joke about it before we became enemies of sorts.