by Carmen Faye
“Why would I know where she is?” Conrad asked. “It’s not like you lost her, right?” he asked. His eyes sparkled with humor. He was laughing at me. I didn’t answer him. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Did she go missing?”
He asked it in a way that suggested he knew what the answer would be. I sighed and shook my head.
“She didn’t go missing, she left. But she’s in danger, and I need to know where she is.”
Conrad shrugged and turned around, showing his back to me. It was a broad back, and it was an insult. It showed me that he didn’t see me as a threat. You didn’t turn your back on a threat.
“Why would I know where she is if she left? You were all buddy-buddy with her, not me. Not that I understand what she saw in you.”
I followed him into his apartment as I rolled my eyes. Conrad turned back to me when I shut the door. “You spoke to her a few times, and you’re the only person outside her circles, besides me, that had anything to do with her. I was taking a chance.”
Conrad nodded slowly and smirked at me. I wanted to punch him in the face.
“I’m going,” I said and turned to the door. Not only did Conrad not know where she was, but he was also mocking me. I already had my tail between my legs by asking him for help in the first place. The last thing I needed was to be a made a fool. I opened the door and stomped into the night.
I had no idea where I was going to go now. Leah had vanished into thin air as far as I was concerned, but it was because she was actively trying to get away from me. Someone else, like Butch or the other brothers, perhaps, would have more luck. But she didn’t know to watch out for them. And that was the problem.
Chapter Twenty-eight
I’d booked myself into a motel just outside of town. Technically, I wasn’t even gone yet. I was still in Coquille County. I just needed to get away—to become unreachable. I switched my phone off, and then put it on the charge. My suitcase was in the corner of the room, and my keys were on the bed next to me.
The motel wasn’t exactly the Ritz. The carpet was worn; parts of it disintegrated in places where there’s been a lot of foot traffic over the years. The paint was a dull yellow that might have been brighter when it had first been painted, but that could easily have been ten years ago.
The bed was dusty when I sat on it, and the bathroom grouting between the tiles was brown, not white. It wasn’t the kind of place I would have checked myself in normally, but then I wasn’t in the state of mind I was usually in, and this place was cheap. I didn’t know how long I was going to have to live on my savings. Besides, no one that knew me, or anything about me, would think to look for me here.
I couldn’t be home right now. The place I lived in was nothing like what I grew up in, and that was the reason I’d gotten it. The further I could be away from my past, the better. But my past had caught up with me, and it all felt the same now. The same ghosts hung in the corners of the room and the same nightmares haunted me even when the coast was supposed to be my escape.
I was trying to find a new escape now. I just didn’t know how I was going to do it.
My shoulders sagged like I was carrying a heavy weight even though I was just sitting on the bed. My head hurt; the beginnings of a migraine that I hoped wouldn’t come to fruition. I felt like lying down on the bed, closing my eyes, and sleeping the rest of my life away. I hadn’t felt like this since I’d moved to Oregon. I’d forgotten out much I hated being so lethargic and helpless.
I couldn’t sleep yet. I needed to make my plans. I needed to decide on a destination before I fell over and ignored the world. I needed a reason to get up and go on, and planning my escape would be enough.
I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I just wanted to get as far away from here, and Indiana, as possible. The coast and the countryside were both tainted now. Deep forests and snow were an option. Maybe somewhere like Montana. It wasn’t a bad idea, and it wasn’t too far, either. Or maybe the desert, someplace like Arizona.
I eyed my suitcase again. I would need warmer clothes for Montana. And when I arrived, wherever I was going, I would need a job, too. Just something to tide me over until I could figure out my life. Arizona was looking better. How many hydrologists could there be in the middle of the desert? It might be a place that needed one; I would be the only game in town.
I dropped my head in my hands. Running had seemed like the perfect plan, but it was starting to feel like I’d been stupid. I’d messed up my career and probably ruined my future working in Marine Biology. Word would get around, and who would hire the crazy chick with the weird hang-ups? How was I going to fix that?
I’d wanted to get away from Pax. When he’d told me who he was, and what he did, I’d felt betrayed. It wasn’t that I hadn’t thought it could be possible at one point or another. His clothes, his bike, and the way he was with me—it all felt like he’d done this before. But he’d been so kind and so caring. I’d allowed myself to believe that he’d let his guard down around me and been different because of what he felt for me.
Yet it had all been a con. One that he’d set up himself. He was like that. I should have known from the start, but I’d been stupid enough to trust him. It was one of my weaknesses. I always trusted people and then they ended up being backstabbing assholes who had personal agendas. I didn’t quite know what Pax’s agenda had been, but he must have had one. It had to be something with the body. Someone like him wouldn’t fall or look twice at someone like me. Someone like him would never love someone like me. I’d been a fool to think it could be possible at all. I was the dumb bitch who hadn’t grown up enough to know that fairy tales didn’t exist.
Look at my life; full of dead bodies and asshole bikers. I’d been an idiot thinking that a charming smile and someone who pretended to be interested in who I was would be enough to build a future on.
How do you spell Leah? Oh, I know! L. O. S. E. R.
I fell back on the bed and dust danced around me in the shaft of light that came through the half-drawn curtains. I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, watching the dust particles swirl because of it. The darkness in the room caused by the lack of good lighting mirrored what I felt. I couldn’t move forward, and I hated looked back.
The whole thing made me feel like I wanted to throw up. This was the worst place to be in, and I knew it because I’d been stuck in the same place before. It was what drove me from my home in Indiana. I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting. Waiting for what? I didn’t know.
***
I heard the wind whisper through the leaves. A storm was coming, brewing out of nowhere. The clouds covered the night sky so that there was no moon or starlight to go by. But I didn’t care. I’d arrived home only hours before, and Mom had sent me to find out what was keeping Dad. He should have been home an hour ago, and dinner was getting cold.
Nobody was worried. Shit happened on farms. Machinery broke down or became stuck. It was part of being a farmer. He was probably sitting in the grain truck right now, waiting for someone to come get him because the thing was stuck, or the battery was dead, or the transmission had gone out, or one of a thousand other reasons.
I drove down the road, fighting to keep the truck on the road as it shuddered and jittered. The truck was the beater we used around the farm. Every panel on it was dented, and it hadn’t been washed in years, if ever, but it served us well and never failed to get us where we needed to go.
I turned off the road and into the field where he was supposed to be working. The headlights on the pickup lit up the grain truck, but the combine was nowhere to be seen. Even if he was still working, it should have been lit up like a Christmas tree; it’s work lights shining brightly. I grimaced. Now I knew what had happened. The combine had broken down somewhere out in the field. The hulking piece of machine had reflectors, so once I got close the lights should reflect off it, and I’d be able to see him. I’d driven down the end of the field until I reached the last pass the harvester had made,
then turned and started across the field.
I remembered how my relief had turned to horror after the lights of my truck finally reflected off the hulking green machine. It had stopped on the return pass, and I drove up facing it. As I stepped out of the truck, dread had begun to chill me. Why hadn’t Dad stepped out where I could see him?
“Dad?” No answer except for the sound of the wind rustling through the dried stalks of the soybeans we grew. “Dad?” I’d called again as I approached. “If you jump out and make me piss my pants, I’m going to be mad!”
As I stepped around the header and passed the large driving wheels in front, I’d seen him, and my scream had echoed all around.
Thunder rolled in the distance, drowning out the end of my scream. I’d run to him, but as I grabbed him, he was already cold. I tugged furiously, desperate to get him out of the machine, crying as I pulled as hard as I could, but all I could do was move the body, not free it. My father’s face lolled toward me as I continued my frantic tugging, speaking to God, begging him to make it a dream, but it wasn’t my father’s face. Instead, it was the bloated, dead face of the man I’d found in the tide pool.
I heard laughter behind me. When I spun around, Pax was leaning against the drive tire, a smile on his face.
“How you holding up, angel?” he asked. He flashed that charming smile at me.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I shouted above the brewing storm. Pax wasn’t shouting. He didn’t need to, his voice carried like I was sitting right next to him in the bar.
“Let’s go back to your place, sweetheart, and have a fuck.”
Another clap of thunder made me jump. Pax smiled at me as if I was being endearing.
“We can’t just leave him,” I whimpered as I reached into the silent machine and tried to free his arm. I felt the blood, thick and sticky.
“Why?” Pax frowned as if confused. “He’s not going anywhere. He’ll still be here when we’re done.”
***
I sat up with a gasp, and the silence in the motel room wrapped around me. My ears rang as if I’d been in a nightclub with too loud music. I was breathing hard, and my clothes were drenched with sweat. I shivered and wrapped my arms around me, but the coldness was coming from inside of me.
Shapes danced in the darkness, and I reached over and switched on the lamp next to the bed. The darkness retreated, and I was alone in the seedy little room, feeling scared and ridiculous at the same time. I tried to slow down my breathing and get a hold of myself. It was hard to pull all the pieces together. The dream was so vivid in my mind—that bloated face, my father’s body.
I covered my face with my hands and shuddered, trying my best not to break down and cry. It was just a nightmare. A dream. Nothing real. Everything that had gone wrong in my life had already happened. This was just a flashback. I shuddered again. I hated the nightmares. I hated when my past and my present started mixing until I didn’t know where I was or which part was real.
I flopped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling for a long time, waiting for the panic and fear to dissipate.
Pax had been in my nightmare. He’d been terrible. That hurt almost more than everything else I’d seen. I could hear his laughter again, the uncaring tone in his voice. I took a deep breath and tried to shove the memory away.
Pax was just a selfish idiot. I didn’t care about him. I needed to get away from him because he was bad news. He was bad for me. The attraction I’d felt for him, something that I wouldn’t deny, had only been sexual.
There was no way I could have been falling for a man that had it in him to do the wrong things and admit that it was who he was. My dreams were right about him, and it was time I got on board with it. Pax had only been a stepping-stone for me to move forward. I’d been stupid enough to think he could be more, but I was coming to my senses now.
I just had to keep reminding myself who I was and who he was. That was how it was going to be. I just needed to keep telling myself the facts. I got up and brushed my teeth and got ready for bed.
As the time ticked past and I managed to rationalize everything, my body relaxed, and my mind ticked slower and slower. Sleep finally overcame me again, and this time I let myself go to the darkness, happy to escape this damned world.
Chapter Twenty-nine
There was nothing left for me to do. Conrad didn’t know where she was and he’d been my last hope. Desperation drove a man to do terrible things. I felt like a fool. He already thought I was an idiot and now I’d misplaced my information source and the woman I cared about. And she was in trouble.
I’d failed in every way. Failed my club, failed Leah, failed in being a decent human being. The only option now was to go home. It was past midnight, and wherever she was, she wouldn’t be roaming the streets anymore. She was naïve but not stupid, and I wouldn’t find her no matter how hard I looked. The best thing was to go home and wait for sunrise before I carried on with my search.
I had to be optimistic that I would find her. I didn’t care about a lot of people in my life; the club and all its members were out of loyalty, not sentiment, but Leah… I would never forgive myself if something happened to her.
I rode home and stripped of all my clothes before I got into bed. I closed my eyes and tried to get some rest, but sleep wouldn’t come. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Leah’s tearstained face on the day she’d told me about her father and her past and how she’d ended up here.
Irony was a bitch. I didn’t give a shit about any of the women I’d ever been with. When I’d gotten rid of them, whether it had been the easy way or the hard way, I’d only felt free afterward. Now that I actually cared about Leah, she was the one that had dumped me, and she was the one woman I couldn’t forget about.
I rolled around in my sheets for hours. When I did manage to fall asleep, it was a light sleep, and the smallest sounds woke me—a strong gust of wind, and the sounds of my neighbors making love.
By the time the sun arose, it was a relief to get out of bed. The night felt more like a struggle than a retreat, and I was glad to get up. My head throbbed dully with the ache that lack of sleep brings, my eyes felt gritty, and I was in a bad mood. I got into the shower and got dressed in record time, not bothering to make breakfast before leaving the apartment.
The only consolation I had was the fact that my brothers were also human. They had to sleep too, but they could work in shifts, and I had only determination and desperation to keep me going. I was running out of time, and the urgency fueled me.
I swung a leg over my bike. The air was crisp, and it smelled of the ocean. Instead of reminding me of freedom the way it usually did, it made me think of Leah. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to look at the ocean again and not see it as an extension of her.
The rumble of the V-Twin seemed out of place and too modern for the atmosphere that hung in the air. I rode slowly down the road and tried to organize my thoughts. My mind was still fuzzy from lack of sleep, but I knew I had to do something today if I was going to save Leah.
I just wished I knew what to do.
I pulled out my phone and dialed her number while waiting at a light. I was hoping beyond hope that she would answer. Maybe she’d unblocked my number and switched her phone back on. Maybe it had all just been very short-lived.
The call cut off straight away again. Irritation crept up on me, bringing with it remnants of yesterday’s black mood. I felt on edge; wired for a fight that I wasn’t going to get. Nothing was going to be able to calm me down, not until I found her. Her disappearance and the fact that she was being impossible, was seriously pissing me off.
I had to come up with another plan. I doubted she went very far. Or rather, I hoped she hadn’t gone very far. That, or I hoped she’d gone very far, completely out of state. The only kind of logic I could go by was that perhaps she was muddled enough that she hadn’t made up her mind yet. I couldn’t imagine she would be eager to run home after what she’d told me, and if she had
nowhere to go, maybe she was waiting around here somewhere until a new idea came up.
It was the only thing I had to go by. I didn’t know if it was far-fetched or not. I was going to cling onto that even if it was. If I started right here in town and fanned out to the outskirts and then outside of town, maybe I would catch her before she made up her mind.
That was, of course, if she hadn’t made up her mind already. It was more than possible that she’d decided on a plan of action right away and she was long, long gone.
I rode through town and stopped at all the motels. I charmed the women, threatened the men, and pulled my weapon on a guy. But I found out she wasn’t in any of them. I moved on to a self-service kind of holiday resort that was empty most of the time, and finally, decided to head out of town.
Half an hour out of town the trees thickened and even though I knew the town was just around the last bend if I looked back, it still felt like I was suddenly removed from all civilization.