God's Little Freak

by Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn

  That evening they both stand their ground and tell their parents that someone will have to take them to school. Their mother says that she can do it when she is off, because she works shifts. Their father agrees to take them on the other days, but they will have to leave very early since he is already in traffic for 45 minutes as it is. It drives him insane.

  “My colleague says it will take at least a year to get used to the traffic in Johannesburg,” his mother says. Kevin also thinks that the traffic is horrendous. Johannesburg is great, though, because there is so much more that Vryheid doesn’t have, like movies, markets and adventure golf and shops that are so big you could get lost in them. But you have to drive to all of them and apart from the shopping centre nearby, it usually takes at least half an hour.

  Before school had started their mother took them to the zoo. They went to see a real show on stage by professionals and went tenpin bowling. There is so much more to explore still. There’s the Wanderers Cricket Ground, Ellis Park (although the entire family are all Shark supporters), many theatres, Gold Reef City and a soccer stadium all in the same city! Klara and Kevin like Johannesburg a lot.

  On the first Saturday, their school has its inter-house athletics championships. Kevin does very well and surprises everyone by winning both the 110m and 400m hurdles events. He does well in the sprinting events and manages to be part of the relay team, which is all he wanted. On all other events he is outdone but at least his main events went well.

  The following Tuesday afternoon they have the swimming championships and he drops out completely. There are far too many strong swimmers at his new school. In Vryheid he was still competitive but in Johannesburg he struggles not to be last. Klara does well in swimming though. Normally Kevin would be upset when he doesn’t do well, but since there is so much more to do in Johannesburg, he lets it go. It gives him more time to work at athletics.

  The next day, Kevin’s father has a surprise for the whole family. He has found out about the Johannesburg Philharmonic Orchestra and that they are playing Beethoven’s 5th Symphony at the opening of the first symphonic season. They are all very excited about it. Both Kevin and Klara have never been to a live symphony orchestra before.

  On the way, Kevin thinks about what most people in Vryheid said about Jo’burg: that life in the city is too busy and family members don’t have time for one another because everyone is always rushing around. That certainly isn’t true with his family. They do so much more together than before. They were either at home or at church in Vryheid, but now they are actually going to listen to a live symphony concert! In Vryheid they would never go out on a weekday because of school, but his parents say this is a good enough reason. The only thing that has really changed is that they now have take-aways more often.

  Kevin’s father is a huge Beethoven fan and it has rubbed off on Kevin. In the car his father says, “Beethoven wrote this symphony when he noticed he was going deaf. The first movement is like a knock on the door, but very sudden and dramatic. It symbolizes his fate of going deaf, which is knocking on his door. As with the music, one can hear him moving around with agitation trying to avoid it. The knock becomes even louder and dramatic. One can honestly feel his frustration of such a dreadful fate that he has to face. If one sees what he composed afterwards, it is clear that he answered his fate and accepted it. Most of his music after that is even more moving and impressive.”

  Kevin has heard this particular symphony a lot. It is one of Beethoven’s most famous. However, hearing it live is completely different. The sound is amazing and he likes the sound of the cellos and double basses. The drums add to the dramatization. He stares at the conductor constantly and thinks he is brilliant to keep all these instruments playing together at the same time as they should. For a moment the violins remind him of Michael. He doesn’t spend too much time thinking about him, because there is so much more to take in.

  On the way home, the family can’t stop talking about the symphony. Kevin and Klara want to come every week, but their parents say it’s not possible. If there are some other great works, then they will make the effort.

  The next day at school, Kevin hears parts of the symphony in his head. It doesn’t bother him at all. It’s a pleasant change. The last period of the day is English. He doesn’t find English grammar particularly difficult, since German grammar is much harder. After the class, his teacher, Mr Stewart, asks him to stay behind for a minute. He wants to talk to him for a moment.

  “How do you like the new school? It’s a big change from the country to the city, isn’t it?” Mr Stewart asks when there is no one around.

  “I like Johannesburg a lot! There is so much to do here. The school is much larger than I’m used to, so in the beginning I was worried about how I would do in sport, but it has all turned out fine. The school work is more or less the same, so that’s that,” Kevin replies.

  “Have you made any friends yet?” Mr Stewart asks.

  “Not friends like I had in Vryheid, but I’ve only been here for two weeks. I do get along with everyone. There is something different about people in the city, but I can’t seem to put my finger on it,” Kevin says.

  “It is different. Don’t worry about that. Give yourself some time. Glad to see you are adapting well. Just one more thing: your parents informed the school that you have depression. How’s that working out?” Mr Stewart asks.

  Kevin is surprised at the question and gets a bit uncomfortable, but answers, “I’m on medication so it’s under control, I guess.”

  “Any reason for the depression? Do you have any kind of therapy? From my experience it must come from somewhere,” Mr Stewart asks.

  “I’ve seen several different psychologists over the years, each with their own ideas. I don’t know anymore,” Kevin replies.

  “What do you think? Where does it come from?” Mr Stewart asks again.

  “No particular reason. It just happens. It runs in the family from my father’s and mother’s side. I guess it’s genetic?” Kevin suggests.

  “Mmm, maybe. Kevin, I’m going to go out on a limb here and ask you about your sexuality,” Mr Steward says.

  Kevin hears the da-da-da-daaaa of the beginning of the symphony he heard last night. Can it be his fate? It feels as if someone is choking him. His hands began to sweat and he keeps rubbing them on his thighs. “What about it?” he replies aggressively.

  “Do you think about sex?” Mr Stewart wants to know.

  “No, well, yes. I mean, who doesn’t?” Kevin says.

  “And when you think about it, is it more about boys or girls?” Mr Stewart asks.

  Kevin gets annoyed and says, “What? Are you implying that I’m a fag? You have no right to say that! It’s….”

  Mr Stewart interrupts him, “I didn’t say that, but you did.”

  Kevin realises what he has done. Then comes the outburst, “Who the hell do you think you are? This is insane. You are out of your fucken mind, man!”

  Mr Stewart quickly says, “Kevin, calm down, please!”

  “No, I won’t! And fuck you!” Kevin storms out of the classroom. He is boiling over with anger. No-one has ever confronted him with something like this and he isn’t having it. When he gets to the car his mother asks him: “Why are you late?”

  “Why the hell did you tell the school that I have depression? It’s none of their business,” Kevin yells.

  “I think it is some of their business. They take care of you when we don’t, so they have every right to know. What’s the problem?” his mother asks.

  “Because I don’t need some asshole teacher to give me his 5 cents worth of advice! I don’t want people to know. They think I’m a freak! Just leave me alone!” Kevin yells.

  “Kevin, you should be glad that someone has at least some interest in you. Do you have any idea what crappy teachers I had?” his mother asks.

  “Yeah, yeah, I know your life was so much worse in every possible way. I don’t give a shit. Stop interfering in my life! O
K?” Kevin says.

  “I’m not talking to you now, because you’re full of shit! Calm down and then we can talk reasonably,” his mother says and starts the car. Klara struggles not to begin laughing at the two having a go at each other.

  The rest of the day Kevin is impossible to deal with. At athletics practice that afternoon he does extraordinarily well and he feels much better afterwards. When he gets home, his mother asks him if they can talk about his depression.

  “No, just leave it. Don’t you understand? There is nothing wrong with me! I don’t want to take these stupid pills anymore!” he explodes again.

  “Oh yeah, I can see you’re emotionally stable, that is for sure!” his mother says.

  Kevin ignores her and goes to his room. More drama follows when his father gets home. It’s the same ranting from Kevin all over again. His parents decide to leave him. They don’t understand what the fuss is all about.

  The next day Kevin skips English class and thinks, ”I’m not going to face that prick of a teacher ever again!”

  Chapter XXI

  After a very successful weekend in athletics versus what everyone described as the toughest school to compete against, Kevin goes back to English class. Staying away will only worsen the situation and attract more attention, but he doesn’t pay any attention to the class.

  On Wednesday he has English just before break. Mr Stewart asks him to stay behind again. Kevin is in no mood for another chat, but stays anyway. He stands with arms crossed and an angry face and waits for everyone to leave.

  “We have to clear the air, because we can’t work like this. How do you feel about last week? And try not to shout at me,” Mr Stewart asks him.

  Kevin exhales to try and compose himself, and then says, “Well, I’m pissed off! You have no right to interfere in my life. My parents should never have told the school about my depression, but there you have it. I’m really angry about all of it and I think you should apologize. You have no right to make such assumptions. I’m really furious!” Kevin says.

  “Ok, I get that you’re angry. That’s quite understandable. But I also know only half of you feels this way. What does the other half feel? And be honest now,” Mr Steward asks.

  Kevin is taken aback by the question. He breathes in to answer and then pauses. It’s not what he expected at all. He takes a deep breath, exhales and then says, “Relieved, I guess.”

  Mr Stewart smiles and says, “That’s what I thought. No one is saying anything here. No one is making assumptions. Please understand that. There’s no need for conclusions and labels. Does that make any sense to you?”

  “Yes, it does… kind of. Tell me, how do you know? You are married, right? Is it that obvious? I don’t want anyone to know,” Kevin says.

  “It’s not obvious, don’t worry. I’ve been a teacher for over twenty years, so give me some credit. And I am married and think of my wife quite often. But my older brother is different. I’m here to help. I can see it’s a problem for you and I want to make a suggestion. Are you seeing any psychologist at the moment? Any therapy?” Mr Stewart asks again.

  “No, we haven’t got around to that yet, but my parents will definitely find someone because I lashed out at them quite rudely since last week,” Kevin says.

  “I want to suggest to you to see Dr Barnard. He helped my brother tremendously. He is a pastoral psychologist. He studied both theology and psychology and he is excellent. He is an older gentleman, but I can assure you he is on the ball and well experienced with teenagers. I’ll write you a note with his details. Come and get it later,” Mr Stewart says.

  “OK, thank you, but don’t tell anyone, please,” Kevin reiterates.

  “I won’t. And thank you for reacting the way you did. You are correct, I have no right to interfere and I could have been in big trouble if you made a fuss of it, but I feel obliged to do something. I just want to help and you can come to me anytime you feel like it,” Mr Stewart says.

  “Thanks, I’ll remember it,” Kevin says and leaves. He actually feels relieved about everything. He feels lighter and has some hope again. “Is this what God was talking about in St Lucia? Did he, without thinking about everything into the finest detail, do the right thing?” he wonders.

  That evening he gives his parents the note from Mr Stewart. “You were right. He just wants to help. I’m sorry for over-reacting,” Kevin says.

  Kevin’s father reads the note and appears to be quite impressed with it. “We never thought of a pastoral psychologist. That actually adds a completely new dimension. Can you call him for an appointment tomorrow?” he asks Kevin’s mother.

  “Yes, I’ll do it first thing in the morning,” she replies.

  “OK, I think this will be better than everything else we’ve tried so far,” his father says.

  Friday afternoon, four o’clock. Kevin walks into Dr Barnard’s office. It’s not how any teenager wants to start his weekend, but it has to be like this, because there is no other time for an appointment.

  Dr Barnard is an elderly gentleman with a grey beard. Kevin likes him immediately because he reminds him of his grandfather, Opa Gunter. He has soft eyes with a lot of wrinkles around his eyes. The office is unimpressive compared to some of the offices he has seen the inside of.

  After exchanging a few words so that they get to know one another, Dr Barnard says, “You came here for a reason. It’s not up to me to pull it out of you. If all of your previous therapy attempts failed, it is probably because you did not allow them to talk about what the real problem is. You know what it is, and in a way you probably also know the solution, but there are obstacles to that and that is what I’m here for - to clear the obstacles. I’m not here to judge you or to tell you what you are supposed to do. I will mostly listen to you today, and if you don’t say anything, there’s not much I can do. Do you understand that?”

  “Yes, I do,” Kevin says.

  Dr Barnard continues, “So, I want you to think carefully and then tell me why you are here.”

  Kevin takes a moment. He looks around in the office, then at the floor, then at the ceiling. Then he looks at Dr Barnard again and then at the floor again. Dr Barnard doesn’t say anything.

  Kevin starts, “The thing is…” then he pauses. There’s absolute silence. One can only hear the clock ticking somewhere in the room.

  “Oh, damn it all!” he says. “The thing is: I have an issue with my sexuality. I’m attracted to the wrong gender, like in guys.”

  “OK, when did you notice that? Tell me all about it,” Dr Barnard continues.

  “Well, it started when I was in St Lucia, on holiday with my parents and aunt and uncle. I began to feel all kinds of weird feelings when I looked at my cousin or other guys for that matter. I was confused and didn’t understand what was going on with my body. It was all really weird. In the beginning I was quite curious about it and wanted to explore more,” Kevin tells him.

  He pauses for a moment and wonders if he should tell this old man about wanking, but then thinks that because he didn’t seem to mind anything he heard until now, it probably doesn’t matter. He continues by telling him about wanking and Brendan and everything else.

  Then when he was still wondering about everything, he had heard that it is all wrong and that he would go to hell from Mr Van Kerken and in the media and from the likes of Danie Botha and others. He tells him how he wanted to change and since he was busy with his Confirmation he thought that if he did that diligently, he would change. Kevin explains a lot about his Confirmation and how he interpreted events and teachings that prompted Dr Barnard to say, “My goodness, you certainly learned a lot during your Confirmation! It must have been a huge effort!”

  Kevin smiles and says, ”Well, I did have my hopes pinned on it.” He talks about Michael and how special that was and how he screwed it up. He explains that he thought that if he had a girlfriend, that would change things, but it didn’t.

  He tells Dr Barnard about Brendan who committed suicide and th
at he is sure it had to do with his sexuality. The fact that he was the only one who knew about it is a heavy burden for him. As he says this, he is nearly in tears but manages to hold them back.

  Kevin goes on and on and the more he talks, the better he feels so he continues to ramble on. He talks about what his father said about Beethoven’s Fifth symphony and the knocking of fate on his door. He knows it won’t change. It’s his fate that he doesn’t want. He wants to be like everyone else.

  After that, there’s silence again. Kevin can’t think of anything more to say and the silence makes him feel uncomfortable, so he says, “And there you have it.”

  There is another silence. Kevin doesn’t understand how Dr Barnard can just sit there and listen. He doesn’t take any notes either. It’s wonderful and fresh. He hopes that he doesn’t have to repeat anything again.

  Dr Barnard looks at Kevin, then re-adjusts his position, looks at his bookshelf and strokes his beard. Then he asks, “Since you have taken your Confirmation so seriously, tell me how your relationship with God is during this entire period.”

  Kevin smiles and says, “I always had a wonderful experience with God and Jesus. Since I can remember I had these conversations with God, but around the time all of this happened, and with the depression, it is less. It has become more difficult to hear what God says and sometimes I find it even more difficult to talk to Him, too.”

  “Why is it difficult to talk to Him?” Dr Barnard asks.

  “Because I feel that I’m not good enough in a way to talk to God - that in order to talk to Him I must be without this terrible sin. I honestly felt so dirty and sinful and very alone sometimes,” Kevin replies.

  Dr Barnard continues, “So you feel that your sins are a barrier to God?”

  “Yes, exactly!” Kevin replies.