God's Little Freak

by Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn

  “Yes,” his father says quickly and looks at his mother. She’s folding her arms.

  “Er… OK… er, do you think you should see another psychologist?” his father asks.

  “No!” Kevin says loudly. “I thought I made it clear that I think the depression is because I hated myself for being gay. I’ve accepted that now, so for me, I’m done with that. I don’t want to see another psycho again and I don’t want to take those stupid pills anymore. I’m not sick and I’m not a freak!”

  “But there must be something we can do to help?” his father says.

  “Well, you can accept me as I am and just be with it. Brendan had the same problem as I did and I honestly believe that is why he committed suicide. For all these years, I was probably the only one who knew why he killed himself. Being gay was unbearable for him and he was bitterly unhappy. When I saw how much he had hurt everyone by killing himself, I vowed never to do the same.”

  “Yeah… Well… Kevin, I don’t know what to say to you now. It’s a massive surprise you just dumped on us,” his father says.

  His mother gets up and says,” But we still love you and won’t abandon you. You are our son. It’s fine.” She hugs him.

  “Yeah, well that’s true. Look, I’m a bit tired and I want to go to sleep now, so we’ll talk about it tomorrow,” his father says.

  “OK, OK, we’ll talk tomorrow. Sleep well!” Kevin says and hugs both his parents. According to him everything has gone well!

  He feels as if a massive burden has been lifted from him and he goes to his room afterwards to thank God for bringing him this far. Afterwards he goes to the living room and says, “It’s done!” Klara is surprised that their parents took it that well, but relieved that they did.

  The following day is Sunday and the whole family goes to church as usual. Kevin is far more alert than usual. Everything is different. The Holy Communion has a completely different meaning for him. At the end of the service, when the minister gives the blessing of peace, he feels a massive wave of serenity and peace coming over him. He becomes emotional and feels it all over his body. For him, this is a wonderful sign that what he did was true and correct and that he now lives in the Truth. He vows never to lie to anyone about any aspect of himself again.

  His parents are quiet all day. Kevin feels awkward, because his father had said that they would talk again on Sunday. His father should make the next move. It feels as if everyone is avoiding each other, which makes Sunday lunch a bit uncomfortable.

  After lunch, Kevin’s mother says to Klara, “I think we should go shopping today.”

  “Shopping? On a Sunday afternoon? You must be joking!” Kevin says. “Where are we going?” he asks.

  Kevin’s mother wants to reply, but his father interrupts, “You are staying here. We need to talk.”

  Klara’s eyes widen. She hasn’t trusted the peace from the beginning. Kevin nods his head in agreement and says, “OK, OK.”

  After Kevin’s mother and Klara leave, Kevin’s father says that they should go to the living room. He starts by saying, “You know me, Kevin - when there is a problem I confront it head-on. That’s my nature and what you told us yesterday is a problem for me. I have difficulty accepting it.”

  Kevin feels his father’s displeasure and underlying irritation and says, “I understand that it must be a bit difficult for you. I guess it will take time.”

  “I don’t believe in time will tell or time heals anything or some stupid saying like that. Something needs to happen for things to work out or for one to have an understanding. I want to know: did anything happen between you and Brendan? Did he do anything? Because… do you remember one of the psychologists talked about the fact that you may have been molested? Maybe that is what we’re dealing with here,” his father says.

  “That’s not what we’re dealing with here. I was never molested!” Kevin exclaims. Kevin stares into the distance. He doesn’t want his parents to have these kinds of thoughts about Brendan. He feels the need to protect Brendan’s reputation.

  “Something did happen between Brendan and me, OK. He showed me how to wank. I wanted to know because that other stupid Tommy talked about it, so I asked him. I was 12 years old and curious! I wanted to know! I wanted to ask you, but if I had, would you have shown me?” Kevin asks.

  There is complete silence. “Would you have shown me?” Kevin asks again. “Or rather tell me, how did you learn to wank?” Kevin asks.

  “I don’t think that is the problem here,” his father says.

  “I think it is! You think that for some reason it is possible to talk about sexuality without talking about sex and it’s not! It’s like talking about getting drunk without talking about alcohol. It’s not possible,” Kevin says.

  Kevin’s father looks at him in a way he has never seen before. Kevin is briefly quiet and then says, “I can be confrontational too, you know. I got it from someone!”

  “I just don’t understand how this has happened,” his father says.

  “Nor do I,” Kevin replies, “yet I’m dealing with it and I’ve had to since I was twelve. Twelve!” he yells. “There was no one to help me, give me advice or anything. At that age I felt I was going straight to hell. How could I turn to anyone knowing that? And now, here you are confronting me about it… You should give me guidance. The stuff I read where people tried to justify it, tried to find a fault somewhere. Is it the father? Is it the mother? Was there sexual abuse? An absence of God maybe? There are so many excuses for homosexuality but no-one wonders: ‘Hey, maybe that’s just the way it should be? Maybe it’s normal this way!’”

  Kevin’s father scratches his neck. “Well, you are clearly frustrated about this. I have a lot to think about, actually. I tell you what: I’ll think about it a bit more thoroughly and then we have a chat again, OK?

  “OK,” Kevin says.

  His father then says, “But for now, Kevin, I must be honest too. I’m not happy about this. This is not what I wanted for you. Your life will be so much harder because of this choice and…”

  “It’s not a choice! Are you out of your mind? Who would choose something like this? Having the whole world against you… Do you think I want to upset you deliberately? Did Brendan choose to be gay so that he could eventually kill himself for fun? Come on!” Kevin says loudly, waving his arms.

  “OK, OK, calm down for Pete’s sake! I’m not ready yet, OK. I realise this now, but we’ll talk again,” Kevin’s father says and gets up and leaves the room.

  Kevin sits and thinks about the conversation he has just had. He is far more assertive with his father than ever before. He has never seen his father back away from anything so quickly. Just as he doesn’t want to know anything about his parents’ sex life, his parents probably don’t want to know about his. The problem is more the label than anything else. “But what can I do about that?” he says out loud.

  Later that afternoon when his sister and mother return, Klara wants to know what happened. “It was really strange to talk to Dad about this. He backed off quite quickly and we haven’t spoken much since then. I don’t know what to make of it,” Kevin says. “How does Mom feel about it?” he asks.

  “She isn’t happy at all. She wonders what she did wrong. I mean, duh, you have to deal with everything and she wants to make as if she’s the victim here. I was subjected to the third degree because she doesn’t want me to go the same route. Somehow it seems that my life is also under scrutiny,” Klara says. “I almost told her that I haven’t had sex yet with anyone, but it can be arranged!” she says laughing.

  “I wish everyone would stop trying to find fault with themselves or others. There is no blaming for it. If I were writing with my left hand instead of my right hand, would anyone blame themselves for it?” Kevin says.

  As he says this, he thinks about Michael again. He’s sure Michael would be proud of what he did today, if only he could contact him again.

  Talking to God later on, it’s clear that God is very proud of K
evin for finally having the courage to reveal to those he loves most who he is, without any secrets. God tells him to get the play Hamlet by Shakespeare from his parents’ bookshelf and guides him to the following:

  ‘This above all: To thine own self be true,

  And it must follow, as the night the day.

  Thou canst not then be false to any man.

  Farewell! My blessing season this in thee.’

  This was Polonius’ last piece of advice to his son Laertus. Kevin had never read Hamlet, but maybe now he would, but he understands what God means: that he should not live a life of any kind of falsehoods from now on.

  Later that week, he goes to Dr Barnard again. “My mother didn’t want me to come today. I think she blames you for my being gay,” Kevin says after telling him about the events over the weekend.

  “That’s OK. It’s quite a normal reaction,” Dr Barnard says. “She is more than welcome to come and see me as well,” he continues.

  “I don’t think so. She wouldn’t confront you about it. My dad would, but he’s at work all the time. Why can’t they just accept it?”

  “Kevin, how long did it take you to accept your sexuality?” Dr Barnard asks.

  “More than five years,” Kevin replies.

  “This may sound silly, but you have to give your parents the same amount of time. Just as you had difficulty getting to grips with your sexuality, so they will too. Parents have all kinds of hopes and dreams for their children, which you have dashed now, and it will take time for them to come up with new dreams for you,” Dr Barnard says.

  “My father says that he doesn’t believe that time will heal, but that something must happen for healing to occur. I don’t know where I stand with him. He is openly against it and tells me that he cannot accept it, but my mother seems sort of okay with it,” Kevin says.

  “From my experience, the sooner people face it, the sooner it will be resolved, so your father may be on the right track. Give him some time to work through things. Often parents who are in denial of their children’s sexuality take much longer before they ever get to accepting it,” Dr Barnard says.

  They continue talking about all the ways parents can react when Kevin suddenly says, “I want to quit my medication now. I’m not sick and I hate taking this stuff.”

  “OK, we can begin to reduce the dosage first, but you cannot leave it straight away. We’ll halve the dosage for two weeks and then halve it again for another two weeks before quitting. Make sure that you come every week so that we can assess if you have side effects because of quitting the meds. It would help if you exercise a lot during this time,” Dr Barnard says.

  “Sure! I’ll go to the gym because it’s too damn cold to run around now,” Kevin replies.

  Kevin is relieved that finally it is the beginning of the end of his depression.

  Chapter XXV

  Three weeks into the new school term and Kevin is sitting in Mr Stewart’s English class. Everything that has happened this year was basically started by Mr Stewart, so Kevin decides to wait after class to thank him.

  “I just thought I’d let you know that I am off my medication and do not have depression anymore. Thank you very much for your help,” Kevin says, after everyone has left.

  “You’re most welcome! Glad I could help you with that. It’s a terrible state to be in,” Mr Stewart replies.

  “It’s difficult to explain, but when one is depressed, it’s like one doesn’t see clearly and it’s not that obvious what one should do to get out of it. I’ve heard some of my friends say that I should just pull myself together, but that’s such a stupid thing to say if you don’t tell people how they should pull themselves together. I did come along quite a stretch to realise what I needed to do and how to do it and you helped me with the first step. I’m truly grateful,” Kevin says.

  “So, how are things regarding your sexuality?” Mr Stewart asks.

  “I am gay. Wow, it feels strange to actually say it,” Kevin says.

  “It’s OK. Take your time with it,” Mr Stewart says, smiling.

  “I’ve told my parents, brother and sister, but I haven’t done anything more than that yet,” Kevin explains.

  “You’ve told me. There is no reason to rush it either. What is important is that you are at peace with yourself and that you don’t have depression anymore. That was my real concern. The rest is secondary. Honestly, don’t do anything if you’re not ready for it,” Mr Stewart says.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t. I have to go. Good-bye,” Kevin says.

  “Good-bye, Kevin,” Mr Stewart says as he leaves.

  On Saturday his school doesn’t play any rugby matches. He gets up early as usual and is bored, so he goes to the gym. When he gets back, his father says, “Let’s go and have breakfast. Your mother is working and Klara is playing tennis today, so why should we sit around here?”

  It’s more a late breakfast-early lunch when they get to a restaurant. They go to a German restaurant. When the waiter comes, his father says, ”We’ll have Erdinger, Kristall, two please.”

  “But Dad, it’s not even 11 o’clock yet!” Kevin says.

  “Have a beer with me. Live a little! This is one of the few joys I have in Joburg: to go to a German restaurant and have real German beer and food,” his father says.

  “Well, OK, but I don’t really drink anymore after St. Lucia,” Kevin says.

  “It’s not about whether you drink or not, but whether you behave responsibly when you drink. That’s what’s important. Anyway, how do you find Joburg? Do you like it?” his father asks.

  Kevin tells him everything that he likes about Johannesburg and his school. He doesn’t miss Vryheid at all. “And how about you?” he asks his father.

  “I miss Vryheid. My work is fine and I enjoy the challenge. We may even venture into Mozambique soon. We’ll still have to see, but my work is OK. As for the rest, I hate the traffic. I can’t get used to it and it feels as if I’m rushed all the time. I’m not too keen on shopping or anything like that, so those kinds of thrills have no use for me. I miss the simpler life and sense of community, where one person cares about another, like we had in Vryheid. The church and everything here is fine, but in the city we’re not as integrated as in the country. Don’t you think?” his father asks.

  “But that’s exactly what I like about the city. I think the community concept that is talked about in the country is more an excuse to interfere in other people’s lives so that one can go around and gossip about it. I mean, come on, you know how things are!” Kevin says.

  “I’ve never experienced it like that. But I’m glad that you and Klara are happy here. I was concerned about that and Mum didn’t want to move because of it,” his father says.

  “Well, I’m glad we moved. Maybe it has more to do with my own life, but I am more alive here and I don’t feel like an outcast here, which I often did in Vryheid. If I think back, there’s not that much I miss about Vryheid, except maybe being closer to nature and that we could go fishing and all of that, but I’m sure we can do that close to Johannesburg too?” Kevin says.

  “Yeah, maybe. I want to talk about something else too and maybe you are expecting this or maybe not. Er, let me say straight away that this is not easy for me to talk about…” his father says and then drinks some more of his beer.

  “OK,” Kevin says and takes a sip of beer as well.

  “I’ve looked into this gay issue and have done some research of my own and have spoken to a number of people. I find that there are actually two sides to the argument, where before I thought it was outright wrong. Well, actually, if I have to be completely honest, I never thought of it before and I never…”

  “But that’s great, Dad, that’s exactly…” Kevin interrupts him.

  “It would be great if for now you would just listen, OK?” his father says abruptly.

  “Sure, sure, sure,” Kevin says and then drinks some more beer again.

  “I had to look at this, because you’re
my son and you’re gay too. These are two topics that I couldn’t bring together before, because I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to think about homosexuality at all, but now I do. Most people I talked to said it was nothing and that I shouldn’t worry about it too much. But that’s easy to say if it’s someone else’s son! I would probably say the same and think, ‘Thank God it’s not me who has to deal with it.’ I don’t know. One even said that one of the Springbok rugby players, I can’t remember his name now, is gay, but I don’t think that is true, and…”

  “Which one, because there are rumours about…” Kevin interrupts again.

  “Just shut up for a moment! OK?” his father says.

  “Yes, sorry!” Kevin says.

  “I’ve done some research and it appears that there is a lot of evidence that proves that it is genetic. Twins studies show it, where identical twins who have the same DNA, have the same sexual orientation more frequently than when compared to twins who are not identical.15 There’s a lot to say about hormone differences and all of that. Some even suggest that sexuality is already determined in the womb. 16 Some studies are inconclusive, I know, but there is enough smoke for me to suspect a fire, if you understand what I mean. On a strictly Darwinian or evolutionary approach, homosexuality shouldn’t be around.17 And they also found that a kind of monkey, the Japanese macaques or snow monkey, where homosexuality is prevalent so it’s not uncommon in nature either; in fact, homosexual activity in animals has been documented in over 500 species!18 Therefore, it can’t be unnatural. What I’m trying to say, Kevin, is that I’ve tried my best to understand this because I don’t like things to be in limbo. One must get to a conclusion as quickly and efficiently as possible and I am fine with you - being gay and all. I’ve read some blogs on the internet where some guys describe the difficulties of being gay and I don’t want you to feel like that. You must know that I love you and accept you as you are.”