God's Little Freak

by Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn

  “I can imagine you think so. I know I’m just a little nobody here in Africa, but I think you did it wonderfully. You gave the world some guidance and direction so that at least we know in what direction to walk,” Kevin says.

  “I thank you,” Paul says, bows his head and disappears.

  Kevin jumps up and says loudly, “Wow, this is really cool!” As he paces up and down in his room he re-lives the experience. “The great St Paul, the Apostle, commended me on my path of discovery. Is there anything greater than that?!” he wonders.

  Kevin wants to share his experience with someone. He thinks of his family and then his friends, but can’t think of anyone who would appreciate what has just happened. He thinks of the gay scene as he has got to know it. He likes most of it and the people, but there is something that bothers him about the people.

  “God, why is it that there are so many guys - actually the majority of guys in the gay scene who are so damaged or broken?” Kevin asks.

  “What do you mean by damaged or broken?” God asks in return.

  “Well, most of the guys seem to have loads of issues and hang-ups,” Kevin explains.

  “Have you already forgotten how you were? Many things happened to you, which resulted in you not liking yourself, let alone loving yourself. Many guys are still there; even though they have accepted the fact that they are gay, they still don’t love themselves. The two issues are separate. Dealing with the one does not mean you have dealt with the other. If you don’t love yourself, you will not be whole; and you cannot give love if you don’t have love for yourself,” God continues.

  “But that’s not quite what I mean. It’s like there is a constant drive to be better and to impress. One always has to wear the best clothes and feel obliged to criticise others who don’t, which shows a lack of something. I find it difficult to explain this to you,” Kevin says.

  “I understand what you mean, like there is an emptiness of sorts?” God inquires.

  “Yes, an emptiness – and that goes along with a shallowness that drives me insane!” Kevin says.

  “If you understand how life works, there is nothing else you can expect. Man has been created by me with a soul that has an internal longing for me. The Creator and Creation belong together. That’s how the Creation is intended. Therefore every man and woman has a longing for me and to be with me, even though they do not consciously know it and cannot always explain this feeling of longing. For most people this does not cause any problems, because most people live in the hope that they will one day be with me,” God says.

  “Yeah, most people hope to be with you one day instead of being with you now,” Kevin adds.

  “True, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. Most religions who represent me claim that being gay will result in a person not being with me, ever; some even say that my children will burn in hell for that. Therefore gays don’t have this hope, because most of them feel that they are not good enough for me, which is a lie. This lie came about through religion. Religious followers erroneously think they help someone by saying being gay is a sin. What a gay person hears at a young age is that they are not good enough for me because of this sin. No matter what they do, they cannot change to become good enough because I made them different. They are already good enough for me,” God says.

  “I can relate to that”, Kevin says.

  “The feeling of longing – or desire – for me does not go away. It is within man and it becomes stronger and can manifest itself as a feeling to belong, even a craving for something. This craving can drive a person insane, so it is filled with anything: alcohol, drugs, sexual addictions, and serial relationships, overworking themselves in a career, anything to fill this gap –to satisfy this internal craving or hunger. The answer to this craving is to find me, and then they will have peace. But that option has been closed by those who claim to represent me, by religion; hence gays do not even try to find me. I want to be in a relationship with everyone, including gays,” God says.

  “Wow, I never thought about that,” Kevin says.

  “Even that guy years ago in Vryheid, who talked about himself as being gay and once he found Jesus miraculously became straight. Do you remember this?” God wants to know.

  “Oh… Yes, I remember. What a wanker!” Kevin says.

  “Whatever, even that guy was so determined to fill this need of longing that he willed himself straight, not to be true to himself or me, but to belong to the Christian religion and society at large. He still has not found me and still has no peace. It’s all pretend. To find me and have internal peace he needs to live in the truth first so that the Spirit of Truth can reside within him. But he does not have the courage and gets confused by what he really longs for. What he longs for is to be part of certain groups of Christian organisations and churches who demand this of him. I don’t demand this from him,” God says.

  “I know. Some of these churches are highly questionable in what they expect of people. They don’t even try and understand what it is like to be gay,” Kevin says.

  “Yes, and it does not stop there. The same people who promote the lie – that being gay is a sin or gays are not good enough for me – then turn around and point at the gay community where some individuals have real problems and refer to them as godless. Of course they are godless, because that’s what they were taught to believe by religious groups: they cannot be with me. That godless behaviour is the rotten fruit of those who claim to represent me who drove gays away from me because they say it’s a sin. Their lies drove a wedge between me and gays, doing the work of evil: separating the Creation from the Creator. I can assure you, they will face my wrath. They use my name in vain to chase my children away from me!” God says.

  “So, I can help by telling that truth that everyone really belongs with God and it’s not subject to anything. I get that, but this irritating thing of one has to wear a Calvin Klein shirt, and a Dolce and Gabbana belt and a Gucci handbag, what is that shit all about?” Kevin asks.

  “That’s about belonging, which is the same as longing. Everyone who makes a style or class issue to show that one belongs to something has the desire to belong to something special. If you are with me, that alone is very special and you’ll have no desire to belong anywhere else. Mankind’s biggest problem is that most people do not know how special and valuable they are to me. If they did, all of the problems we talked about would fall away and man would be whole again. But that can only be if they are with me again,” God explains.

  “I must admit, I have a feeling of real purpose if I were to go into the field of healing or medicine or psychology. I want to be someone like Dr Barnard, who helps people. But I also want to explore. I think I will go to the information session on Reiki they have Friday evening,” Kevin says.

  “I don’t think you should go,” God replies.

  “Why, what’s wrong with Reiki?” Kevin asks.

  “Nothing, I think it’s wonderful for reasons you’ll find out later. But you’re eighteen years old and on a Friday night you should go out and have fun,” God says.

  “You’d rather me go to a club than learn about healing and helping people?” Kevin asks, surprised.

  “For now, in your case, yes. Go to the club you normally go to and enjoy it!” God says.

  Kevin is so surprised at God’s reasoning, but it isn’t the first time that God appears to have His priorities wrong.

  The following day, he contacts all his friends he knows from the club and no one is going to the club on Friday. Kevin finds it unbelievable that not one of his rather big circle of friends is going. He asks his mother who says, “You’re not getting my car. If it were up to me, you wouldn’t even be going to the club. You’re far too young to hang out in places like that.”

  Kevin does what any other teenager would do: he goes to ask his father. “Could you speak to Mom so that I can borrow her car? I want to go to the club this weekend and none of my friends are going. I feel I have to go. She doesn’t want t
o lend it to me, because she still doesn’t like me being gay. I’m sure that is the case,” Kevin says.

  “Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t, who knows? She doesn’t like you going to a club at your age. That’s the issue. She thinks I’m irresponsible for allowing you to go. We’ve had our arguments, I can tell you that,” his father says.

  “Yeah, OK, but how do I get there?” Kevin asks impatiently.

  “You can take my car,” Kevin’s father replies.

  “Yours? That huge thing? I don’t want to show up in that!” Kevin says.

  “You’ll have to. I’m not going to argue with your mother again about you. Forget it. Take it or leave it. I don’t have another car,” his father says.

  “Sure, I’ll take it. I love driving it, but parking is an issue,” Kevin says.

  “You must turn a bit wider, that’s all. Just don’t scratch it,” his father says.

  And so Kevin is set for Friday. Although he has been there quite a few times, this is the first time he’ll be going because God says so. And it’s the first time he’ll be going alone.

  On Friday, he goes to the gym as usual. During winter it is not so busy and he manages to put in quite a workout. The entire day feels like an eternity.

  Because of that, he goes to the club earlier than usual and finds it quite different before it gets so busy. He gets a Hunter’s and sits at the bar, because there aren’t that many people dancing. He thinks about his life and about the courses to consider. He feels peaceful and happy with himself.

  There are some regulars he knows and he speaks to them about this and that. An hour later, the club begins to fill up. As strange as it may seem, he is not in the mood to dance as he usually does. In the corner there are a few tables and he goes to sit there to check everyone out. When he gets there, though, a few other guys sit down before him, so he changes his mind.

  As he turns around, his eye catches someone towards his left across the room. He has another look and their eyes meet. Immediately, from across the room, there is a spark between them. He begins to breathe more deeply, swallows excessively; his stomach muscles pull together as his whole body begins to shake. His genitals feel more alert, his knees feel weak and he can’t move. All the feelings completely overwhelm him. Kevin finds this guy to be strikingly beautiful.

  He is looking at someone with blond hair, big eyes, clear skin and red lips and well built. “Definitely a show-off wearing a white vest in winter,” Kevin thinks. The guy looks at Kevin and smiles. Kevin smiles back, biting his lower lip and then looking upwards.

  “Do you like him?” God asks.

  “Gee, as if I don’t have enough to deal with… Give me a break!” he tells God. He exhales deeply and continues, “Do I like him? He’s adorable, wow! A gym bunny is not really my type, but I can get used to that!” Kevin replies.

  “Go and say ‘Hi!’” God spurs him on.

  “Are you crazy?! He’s too hot! I’ll probably just stutter and say something stupid,” Kevin replies.

  “Confidence still not as it was when you were in St Lucia that holiday, is it? Confidence is innocence matured. Go on now - life is for living! Make a move, Kevin!” God continues.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Kevin replies.

  “I can assure you, if you walk up to him and say: ‘I like peanut butter,’ he will be dazzled by you. You’ll think of something. Go! ” God says.

  As if there is some invisible power pushing him forward, Kevin begins to move towards this guy. He is totally overwhelmed, feels a bit dizzy and his body feels out of control. Yet he moves forward, staring at this hot blond guy every now and then. “What will I say?” he wonders. “I can’t think straight!”

  Just before he gets to the guy, God says, “Look at the guy next to you with one green and blue shoe.”

  Kevin starts to laugh at the fact that the Creator of Heaven and Earth has the time and the humour to comment about someone’s shoes in a club.

  The guy then asks him, “What’s so funny?”

  “Look,” Kevin says, “at the guy wearing one blue and one green shoe.”

  The guy laughs and says, “I just noticed it myself. Isn’t that totally random? Especially in a gay bar!”

  Kevin feels immediately as if he already knows this guy and says, “Yeah, indeed! I’m Kevin. And you?” he asks as he holds out his hand.

  “I’m David,” he says as they shake hands…

  Bibliography

  Beeld, 29 Nov 2003.

  Beeld, 11 Nov 2003.

  Richard Appignanesi, Introducing Melanie Klein, 2006.

  Bible, Matthew 7:16.

  Luther, M, Sprüche, Aussprüche, Anekdoten, Bucheverlag Der Morgen, Berlin, 1983.

  Bible, John 14:17.

  Hawkins, David, Dr, The highest level of Enlightenment, Nightingale Conant.

  Bible, Romans 9:21.

  Bible, Matthew 18: 6.

  Carl-Maria Kertbeny, paragraph 143 of Prussian Penal Code, 1869.

  In translation of: Von Krafft-Ebing, Richard, Psychopathia Sexualis, 1892.

  Halperin, David, 100 Years of Homosexuality, Routledge, 1990.

  Hawthorne, GF, et al. Dictionary of Paul and his letters, Intervarsity Press, 1993.

  Bible. Matthew 7:15.

  Bailey, JM, & Pillard, RC: A genetic study of the male sexual orientation, Archives of General Psychiatry, 1991.

  Rice, WR, Friberg, U, & Gavrilets, S: Homosexuality as a consequence of Epigenetically canalized sexual development, Quarterly review of Biology, Vol 87, Nr 4, 2012.

  Homosexuality may start in the womb, news.sciencemag.org.

  Bagemihl, B, Biological exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and natural diversity, St Martin’s Press, 1999.

  South African HIV & AIDS statistics, AVERT, 3 March 2012, www.avert.org/south-africa-hiv-aids-statistics.

  Bible, Matthew 17:2-3.

  Bible, John 14:12.